Creative Writing: Opening Passage?

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I've been trying to learn more about creative writing as well as reading more English fiction these days -- mostly commercial fiction but I've been trying to get my foot wet with literary fiction as well.

So one of the things I'm learning is that an opening passage to anything, ranging from a novel to a short story, needs to be captivating. And so I attempted this little passage this morning:

Snarf's ears perked up as the hulking figure kicked open the door and dropped a mud pile on the floor. "Zombies!" The humanoids shouted and grabbed their boom-booms.

Snarf scratched his ear with his foot and ran to sniff the new mud on the floor. It was poop, all right! Poop poop poop. It's like humanoid peanut butter. Snarf's tag wagged vigorously and he spun around and began to levitate.

What do you guys think about it? I'm down for brutal critiques including word choice, sentence structure, use of adjectives, adverbs, etc.

Updates

14 d

I meant to write "tail" instead of "tag" but somehow I kept re-reading "tag" as "tail" until I put it on GoG.

Updates

14 d

It's basically a story about a cyborg dog who actually isn't a cyborg, but that's a twist left for the ending -- even though there will be clues left behind everywhere that he isn't a cyborg despite his ability to levitate into the clouds when he spins when he's excited chasing his tail and his 24/7 wi-fi internet access.

[FunkyMonkee]

It sounds similar to a few other stories of that ilk that I've read and even the short movie that I was in.
Back in the mid `90's, I was able to get hold of Jon Goodman (Dickie Goodman's son). Dickie was mostly famous for making break-in records.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/8OF0QA1ZaNk

He made at least 80 of them from July `56 up to his suicide in late `89.
I collect break-ins and, now, have the largest collection of them in the world. So, I found a way to contact Jon to ask if he had copies of any of his dad's records. He only had 3 or 4. He mentioned that he was just about to start writing a book about his dad's life and was going to start with his birth but, I suggested to him that he start at the end (at least in this case) to give the reader a quick synopsis of who they were about to read about and they'd get interested to find out how he ended up the way he did. So, that's what Jon did.
Seeing as how you're going the sci-fi route, I would suggest you read a lot of Chris Miller short stories. Most of them can be found in issues of National Lampoon magazine. One of them became a movie called, "Animal House". Two other movies he wrote were, "Club Paradise:" and "Multiplicity". I never read written versions of those last two but, the movies didn't do them any justice.
About 15 years ago, he wrote an entire book called, "The Real Animal House". The movie was based on his days in Dartmouth in the early `60's so, this book tells the real story of what went on and it includes a few of the other stories he wrote in the magazines! Stories like, "Dr. Rock & Roll Meets The Amboy Dukes", "The Night Of The Seven Fires" (a scene they wanted to put into the movie but were warned against because of the content) and, "Pinto's First Lay".
One of the things I love about his writing is how he's VERY descriptive without being very descriptive! Some writers might introduce a room or a character into a story and tell you everything about them right off the bat. Chris gradually works those details INTO the story line, as you need to know them!
I don't know how many stories he wrote (at least 30 or 40) but, I collected them all (via Xeroxed copies) and bound them together in notebooks and filled 4 books. Quite a few of them are "sci-fi" in nature. "Another Cock Tale", for instance. About 10 years ago, I finally found him online and wrote to him and asked if there were any others he'd written that I didn't know about. He sent me a copy of his first story from Screw magazine. There was also one (that I know of) from an issue of Oui magazine back in the late `70's or early `80's. I found that one on my own.
It's partly because of Chris's stories that I was spurred on to write one of my own. I got quite a bit of it written in just one sitting but, life got in the way and, since then, I've only been able to add one or two short bits to it since then. I've let a few people read it and they thought it was incredible! One girl, who WAS a writer, said she's never gonna write again because she could never come up with anything as good as that! Lol.
I know of at least two sets of DVD-ROMs that include every issue of National Lampoon so, if you can find one of those (e-Bay, Etsy), get one of those sets and have fun reading almost all of Chris's stories. Sadly, neither set includes all the special issues they put out with brand new material.
Oh! And, if you get a set, you'll find Chris in many of the FotoFunnies, a comic strip style picture series that he invented. He's usually in bed with some naked woman with huge tits. One of those women is in several movies and t. v. shows. The only one I know for sure is, "Spring Break". She plays the part of the singer in the band, Hot Date. In reality, she's NOT the singer in that band, they just let her pretend to be for those scenes in the movie. I think the guitarist is the real singer in the band.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

>> Chris gradually works those details INTO the story line, as you need to know them!

I really like this way! I think some authors have even adopted the term, "incidental/accidental world-building", these days. It's the way I think is the most natural way to comprehend the world is to immerse ourselves in it.

[FunkyMonkee]

Maybe this is a poor example but, like in the story, "Pinto's First Lay" (I'm pretty sure it's that one) when he first introduces us to Pinto (which was his real nickname in school), he never explains WHY he's named Pinto until you're well into the story and he's about to fuck his girlfriend and she sees that his dick has large pink and black spots on it, like a pinto horse and she asks him why it's like that. So, rather that Chris telling us from the beginning of the story, or even in his own words, he lets Pinto's tell us as the info is needed. Apparently, Chris went for a swim in a beach and didn't know there was asphalt or some kind of oil on the beach or in the water and, when he went in, the chemicals spotted his dick like that.

[RavVid]

Not that I know much but I am trying to learn also. I think the temptation is to use a lot of adjectives and details and it doesn't necessarily help. Obviously there is an intrusion - there seems to be zombies and humanoids in this story. I don't think grabbing boom booms helps because in this passage nothing is done with them. Nor does scratching an ear with a foot. nor sniffing peanut butter.

Like it seems fear of the intrusion should the dominant theme and the response to it. But much of it seems diversionary. If snarf's response is to levitate to safety than a lot of it is at least extraneous. I read tag as tail initially and was forming a quadruped image of Snarf but the realizing it was a tag wagging but I don't why. Altogether too busy.

Don't take it harshly, I have yet to get good enough to do what you have just done. I am trying to write sex scenes well and I am yet to write something I am satisfied with.

[IslaTheWitch]

to be honest most of writers have their own style... of course there some rules... but I read great books with and without opening passage. I personally put ministory as such or describe one of the characters...

Lamanna stared at the crystal for a long time. It was beautiful, transparent, and filled with blue light. She felt how its energy resonated with her power.

"Where did you find it?" she asked without even looking at the knight. Her eyes never left the crystal, not even for a moment.

"In Yestra's mines." Cassius replied after a long moment. He had known Lamanna for a while and knew that expecting her to address him properly was doomed to failure.

"What do you plan to do with it?"

Cassius knew she was looking at him now. He smiled wryly.

"I'll sell it."

Lamanna was silent for a long moment.

"How much?" she asked succinctly.

Cassius looked at her in surprise. Her green eyes, fixed on the crystal, glowed warmly.

"You resonate!!! Ah!" The sudden realization shocked him.

"How much, Cassius?" Lamanna's voice was cold and distant.

Cassius looked at her and assessed what he could gain, but most importantly, how much he could lose.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I always wondered why we don't use this double-spacing for paragraphs as opposed to the conventional indents! I find it so much easier to read. I love whitespace. Maybe publishers hate it since it means more costs they have to absorb in printing paper. I love your economical distribution of dialogue tags.

[IslaTheWitch]

being economical is my curse... because I see everything in my head I rarely put enough descriptions to make reader see the same :D something I'm working hard on :D

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I mean it’s definitely a “hook” of sorts but it gets a little too crazy a little too quickly. It’s not unusual when you’re trying to tell a story from a non-human perspective but I think maybe it would help to have a hint more exposition, maybe describing his role in whatever group of humans he’s in before the zombies attack? Most dogs act as alerts or guard animals, maybe you could start with a description of his patrol instead of throwing the reader into the fire without time to cook in the frying pan with a zombie attack and a sudden description of poop.

[Sevenpointfive]

snarf as a name is very specific. it's the thundercats pet animal. most comic readers or people from the 80's would know this. so, that directly brings them back to that character. so, instead of a cyborg, we're imagining snarf in a jail cell of some sort waiting for his other cat people to save him.

i would reconsider the name unless it stands for something (*S. N. A. R. F style)

[OfDeath]

No, the opening line can’t be that captivating. It can overwhelm the reader and cause them to lose interest. You have to start with something very simple like: “It was a day at the end of June”.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Is that sarcasm or serious? I'm too illiterate to tell! There are some fantasy books I enjoyed that as a child that actually opened the way you suggested, as well as endless fairy tales opening with the cliche, "Once upon a time [...]" So I think you're being sarcastic but I hope you will forgive me for having some doubt.

[OfDeath]

No, I was taking the piss lol. That’s the worst way to begin. What you had in mind is actually what creative writing professors teach.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Oh phew! Cheers! 🤝🙏

[Anonymous]

It awful. The first word that comes to mind is juvenile, the second is simple. Just throwing a bunch of adjectives and less common verbs does make it good writing. There is no depth and although you have painstakingly overused adjectives, you were still not very descriptive of what the reader should be visualizing.

[TheSpaceGnome]

It needs more talking cheese wedges and crayon sorcery.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

How would a cheese wedge talk? I keep imagining a very deep voice but it might depend on the type of cheese.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Tiz a mystery itiz

[msc545]

That is really pretty good.