Creative Writing Opening Passage: Second Attempt?

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I got an expert response on my first attempt was juvenile, filled with useless adjectives, and so forth. My previous attempt for those who didn't follow:

Snarf's ears perked up as the hulking figure kicked open the door and dropped a mud pile on the floor. "Zombies!" The humanoids shouted and grabbed their boom-booms. Snarf scratched his ear with his foot and ran to sniff the new mud on the floor. It was poop, all right! Poop poop poop. Snarf's tail wagged vigorously and he spun around and began to levitate.

So I'm going to try to do something new now. Lemme go:

Cyber-murder! Dead virtual bodies everywhere. I need to solve this cyber-crime soon. Tick-tock! Time is crime. The mortician pulled open the slab. I remember seeing dead bodies. Dead, dead bodies. Blue, green, purple. I began to spin around and levitate.

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25 d

s/on/that/

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25 d

Have I improved over the original?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Well, we’ve gone from descriptors to pure experimentation. I’m still not completely sure of what story you’re trying to tell here. Maybe if I was able to read more than the first page I’d be able to get a better idea of whether or not I would want to keep reading it. I can see your improvement though


The first paragraph is your hook, the thing that pulls in a reader and makes them ask “what’s happening?” Which is why starting a book in media res can be so useful. Not at the beginning of the character’s story but somewhere in the middle, with some exposition to explain what brought them to that point.


If you’re diverging from zombie sci-fi into more virtual reality, you might benefit from a book called “Bleeding Sun” that explores the concept of VR in a very unique and oddly spiritual way.

[IslaTheWitch]

I'm not sure what you try to achieve... people have different preferences... there is no better or worse as long as language is correct and acceptable. Each version will have own fans...

I personally liked more the first version, but it's my PERSONAL opinion.

You have to find YOUR style and enjoy it...

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

My style doesn't seem to make any sense. It's always like, "Blagtar! Konad! Big five! Letus-netus-drinkabar. No women? No women! Drop the far-tag and venture beyond the klis-narp! Perilous venture they say. Women are worth it."

[IslaTheWitch]

Writing is mostly experimenting... it takes some time to find a compromise between what you want and what the readers need to get your idea...

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

That's like intimate human relationships! I think I got it. The arm muscles of Konad gleaned with muscular highlights [*]. He was a muscular man, athletically built, and he also loved to write poetry. His powerful arms grasped her like a machine strangling a Chihuahua. "Konad enter you?" he asked so gentlemanly and courteously that Katrina had to readjust her panties. Konad may not have been the smartest, but his humble attempts showed Katrina that he wished to be the man she always wanted.

[IslaTheWitch]

lmao

I like this!!

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

That's just what naturally flows out of me when I'm compromising a lot. It's like, you know, like it's a cloud that just gets bigger.

[IslaTheWitch]

I think it was @AmandaYVR who told me to try write the same part with more and less descriptions and see what looks better

It's a lot of work :D but I learned a lot doing it

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I love Amanda so much (in a platonic way). She suggested me this song and I never got over it. It's just so pretty to me in terms of the lyrics and presentation:
https://youtu.be/_DzehbfdPdo
I'm actually kind of in love with the main singer now but just from that one video I don't like the other ones. But this is a very lovable slice to me.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

[...] just from that one video[.] I don't like the other ones.

I meant to put a period there so much but something went wrong. We just try to do our best and the leave the rest. All things sort of fall down and mess up until they can't mess up again.

[IslaTheWitch]

oh... I know this song... one of those I return to often...

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I got a soft spot for very vulnerable-looking women singing about urban life and ultimately love, I think.

[AmandaYVR]

Try this one, N. It might be up your alley.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCNG-IGppWQ

[AmandaYVR]

And this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgJCWiiHZFY

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@AmandaYVR Red Night rocks!

[strateguy632]

first only two adjectives. not too many nor extra.

second is missing who? is that the dog doing? second is too vague.

[ChefPapiChulo]

You doing alright?

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I'm relapsing hard on the drinking side. Help meeeee! 😅

[ChefPapiChulo]

You hve to think like a Samurai. Focus on listening to the air.

[Dongie]

Fur sur man. Seriously yes.

[Dongie]

I wanted to be a writer since age 14. I finished one in 1997 but no publisher was interested. It got lost when I moved in 2017. I thought it was good but I'm sure it was full of misspellings and bad grammer. I just realized today your handle is not guys ask girls 123