Coping with a Drug Addicted Loved One

[Anonymous]

My brother is a drug addict. It's not a big secret. It's not something he tries to hide or we, as his family, attempt to sweep under the rug. It's something we all acknowledge and each struggle to cope with, in our way

It started when I was just 10 years old. He broke his leg very badly in an accident and became addicted to his painkiller medication. He was already running with a bad crowd, so it spiraled from there.

It started with vicodin and escalated to PCP, heroin and crystal meth. The most devastating effect of his addiction, even beyond the physical dependency on a dangerous, damaging substance, were the changes to his personality.

He went from being a smart, cute, funny kid with a bright future to an underweight, grungy, heavily tattooed wannabe gangster with bad teeth and a dead eyed gaze. That's not how I remember my brother.

For a lot of years I tried to shield myself from it. I would tell myself I didn't have a brother anymore and that he was already gone. I went most of my teenage years without talking to him and regretting it when I did. At 18 I told my then boyfriend (who was himself a recovering addict) that, to me, my brother was already dead..and he told me that was the smart approach.

Fast forward to 2 months ago. My brother is struggling to get clean and an ex girlfriend is coming into town. An ex he used to use with. He asks if he can come stay with us until she clears out. My mom asks if it'd be okay with me and I say "fine". I tell her I won't even bother with him.

But as inevitably happens, my heart always warms a little bit. It's so hard to stay angry at someone you really love, especially if they aren't deliberately trying to hurt you. And especially when everytime you look at them, you see the clean-cut, Christian youth group, soccer player under the strung out junky exterior.

So I talked to him. I thought maybe this time was different. Maybe he could really do it..get clean, get his life together. In that conversation I learned that he had overdosed. Twice. And that he hated being sober and didn't even plan to be long term. And honestly a lot of other horrible things nobody wants to hear come out if their brothers mouth.

Disheartened didn't begin to describe it. I was crushed. And afraid. Not only for him, but myself, as well. I didn't want him there. I didn't know this person, anymore. The one that could talk to me the way he did. We argued horribly later. I told him I wished he would overdose and die and he told me I was a hateful bitch. It was terrible on both our parts.

But the thing is that's what becomes of drug addicts. They empty out their entire personalities. All the bits and pieces you love about them. Gone. Everything becomes about self gratification. Getting high. And if they can't, they hate everyone and everything. Including, and especially, the people who love them the most.

What you learn is that unconditional love enables a drug addict. They will try to use and to break you because all you are to them is a means to an end. That night I left with a friend and when I came back I tried to put my arms around my brother. He wouldn't look at me. I became the 'bad guy'.

Addiction is the most selfish illness on earth. And the only way to gain any kind of peace or sanity with a loved one who doesn't know how to say enough, is to say it yourself. A friend of mine told me to tell him that I want my brother back. And nothing could be more true.

And until you get the person you really love back, you have to let go. Not only for your own sake but for theirs. Being a crutch, whether financially or emotionally, only hurts you both. It keeps them where they're at..trapped in their own inability to stop before their heart stops beating.

Luckily, there are programs. Nar-anon and al-anon are two options. My mother was active in al-anon for a while. It gave her a lot of clarity. The people are incredibly supportive and just knowing that your story isn't unique can help mitigate any shame and confusion you might be feeling.

And whatever may happen, remember that the person you love is and always will be apart of your heart. You may never break through. You may lose them. These are harsh but sober realities. All you can do is be there for when they're ready to change and hope and pray that somehow they rediscover the person they truly are.

If you're reading this and going through something similar, I hope it will give you comfort to know that someone out there knows how you feel.

As for my brother, he has been sober ever since I last saw him. He's escaped the crowd he was in and seems to be doing well. We haven't spoken but I wish him nothing but the best in his recovery and sincerely hope we find our way back to each other when he's ready. Time will tell.

[redeyemindtricks]

I have a VERY addictive personality. Luckily, I was raised by exactly the right kind of father, in exactly the right kind of tough-love household, with shit-tons of constructive things to do.
So... there but for the grace of God go I, as they say.

If I have any insight to offer here, it's 2 things:
1) Yr brother needs a VERY high degree of self-awareness,
2) If there is to be any hope in the long term, he will probably have to become "addicted" to something OTHER than drugs.

#1 is obvious. Yr brother will have to approach EVERYTHING with a great deal of forbearance. He will have to see red flags like a chessmaster -- 5 or 6 moves in advance, so to speak. Other people might be able to resist temptation; he will have to ANTICIPATE temptation, and simply remove himself from the scene altogether and/or craft some sort of bulletproof excuse ahead of time. (If he absolutely CAN'T remove himself from the scene, then he should enlist a trusted -- and TOUGH -- friend who will stay by his side and enforce sobriety on him.)
He will have to have the same self-awareness when it comes to "addiction triggers" that are not necessarily drugs. Including toxic relationships, especially. He will probably have a tendency to get into REALLY BAD relationships that have a very, very addicting physical element at first. He'll have to learn this lesson the hard way, unfortunately.

#2 -- Honestly, most of the things I do with my life could be looked at, from the outside, as "addictions".
I can't just "go to the gym" -- nope, I compete in figure competitions, complete with obsessively meticulous dieting/exercise/supplementation cycles.
I can't just "get some work done" -- nope, I'm either crazy-multitasking for 25 to 35 straight hours at a time (yes, you read that correctly) or I'm doing absolutely nothing productive at all and just chillin' with mah fam.
I've never been drunk or even tipsy in my life, because I know I'd just completely fly off the handle, in every conceivable sense of "the handle".
And let's not even go into the hold that sexuality has had over my life... yeah, no, let's just not go there, other than to say it's a damn good thing I found the man of my filthy wet dreams and actually married him. Otherwise I'd still be chasing that shit.
That's a lot of words, but, you get me. Yr brother will NEVER EVER find "balance" in the way normal people define that word. He'll just have to become addicted to things that actually WON'T destroy him.

[Rawrzz]

You know she's already wrote him off right? She's not looking for solutions. She's just saying to people who have addicts in their life "Ehh, fuck 'em. Maybe they'll work it out, maybe they won't." He's already clean, which is the point where he would need the most support. But she hasn't spoken to him, in that time of need. Like she said. Her brother is already dead to her. This take isn't about helping drug addicts; it's about people who have to deal with addicts. Though she didn't put the timing in there, so maybe I'm wrong. In any case, I can't say I disagree with any of the stuff you've said.

[myTake Owner]

@Rawrzz you missed the point completely. And what you're saying is really unfair to me and inaccurate.

I said when I was a teenager with limited coping skills I would say he was already dead to me. And that was wrong. But that doesn't mean I have to enable him by supporting him no matter what.

Why? Because it doesn't help him. It hurts him. And it hurts me. So what I'm saying yo family od drug addicts is this: let go until they give you something to hold onto again. Prepare for the worst but always hope for the best.

Some people get their loved one back, others don't. It's the sad reality. I can't make him be healthy and I can't make myself unhealthy trying to. As for him being clean... it's a probational situation. If he chose to talk to me I would obviously support his attempt and be optimistic. But he won't. And that's not on me. And after having been down this road many times you learn not to get too excited.

[epiper888]

You have no idea what your talking about, let me tell you some knowledge your Obvisously lacking, you seem like a nice girl, but your just wrong.

"Drug addiction is the most selfish illness" I'm glad you called it an illness because that's what it is, the receptors in his brain are all messed up, his body got used to the drug and when it's gone he feels like absolute crap. He's depressed, he has no motivation. It is defienlty not selfish, most if not all addicts HATE being addicts, it's not something they want, and your actions are not helping.

"Unconditional love enables a drug addict"
Nope. That's completely backwards, when you shun someone out of your family or act like there outcastes what do you expect them to do? When an addict feels hurt he turns to drugs to numb the pain. There was a study done on rats, one rat was alone in a cage, they diluted cocaine in his water to see how often he would use it. He used it VERY often.
Next test was putting a large number of rats into a little cumminuity were they could play around and interact with eachother. Guess how many rats used the cocaine water? If you guessed none your correct. Your putting your brother the cage alone, what do you expect him to do? He needs people helping him through. The last thing you wanna do is treat him like he's scum.

[myTake Owner]

If anyone can speak from a family members perspective on this its me.

Guess what: sometimes life means doing the hard thing. It means going to rehab. It means trying. Not saying you hate being sober and you don't plan to ne long term. That's the selfish part.. not the part where he has a physical dependency.. but the part where he refuses to try to heal.

Also, most family of drug addicts I know would say the same thing. If someone's not trying to get better, supporting them becomes enabling them. Humans aren't rats. That test doesn't prove a fucking. With humans... unconditional love validates and excuses bad behaviour. Do you understand that? It keeps them trapped because there's no loss in staying on drugs.. you're rewarding their lack of willpower. And for your own sake, you can't let yourself go crazy for someone who doesn't want to heal.
Now if someone wants to make a serious effort than absolutely offer positive reinforcement

[epiper888]

Well yes rats aren't humans, there rats. Because of this test, Portugal decided to legalize all drugs, instead of treating drug users with prison time, they made it a public health issue. Drug users would be helped through it and not punished for their actions. drug use throughout the city went down by tenfolds, it goes to show they need a helping hand. Anouther great analogy is this. During a war a few decades back (cannot remeber which one) people were scared the soilders would all become opiate addicts since they were using morphine like crazy. But that didn't happen, when they came home to their welcoming family they had no problem quitting opium. Your family, do what you want.

[BeCreatively]

You are off base. She means it's the most selfish illness (from the prospective of a family member). & there is not a dichotomy of unconditional love & shunning. Enabling is often done as "love". She's making great points. Great take. GO TO AL-ANON!!!

[NearlyNapping]

I just wanted to let you know I read the whole thing, and let you know that somebody out there is listening. (although I think you wrote it for yourself as much as for people to read).

I've seen both sides of this. I just about ruined my life with drugs and a wild lifestyle. I quit more than 35 years ago. Your story had a surprise ending, I didn't expect you to say he stopped. He may or may not stay clean, but for now he is.

I don't know if you have given up and are gone from his life. But if you are still in contact, now is the time for positive feedback. When I quit I got a lot of positive feedback from friends. I don't think they were doing it intentionally, especially since they were still doing drugs themselves. But in normal conversation I'd get a lot of comments about how much I was changing. Like they could see the difference daily, and sometimes from morning to evening. That's how fast I was changing for the first few months after I quit. Although I think it was a good 5-8 years before I finally "came down" completely.

Anyway, that positive feedback encouraged me. I could feel the change myself, but it seems that others saw it even more than I did. I guess it's what they say about hitting the bottom. I won't go into all the detail, but I was in pretty bad shape.

When I did quit, it wasn't even intentional at first. Initially it was only a matter of hours. There had been signs before that - I'd get high and think "Wait a minute, I feel worse now that I'm high than I did before, so why am I getting high?". So one day after several hours of being straight, I realized "You know, I really like this - being straight is such a better high than being high." This new high of being straight lasted the entire evening, then without conscious thought it continued the next day, and the next. I was also getting the positive feedback, which helped give me more motivation.

Positive feedback may help him. But not really a mushy kind of feedback. I think it needs to be more "clinical". Anything more may be too much emotions at this point. Also you do not want to commit yourself emotionally. He may not stay straight. I don't in any way blame my family for giving up on me (both my parents had given up). He won't blame you either. So you still need to keep a little distance for your own survival.

I ran out of room, but I mentioned I've been on both sides. I had an alcoholic girlfriend for many years. Seen the other side too.

[NearlyNapping]

I also want to add this. I don't want to get political. But when the subject of legalizing drugs comes up, stories like this are exactly the reason I say there is no such thing as a victimless crime. Nobody can read this and say you are not a victim. It was well written and touching.

Good luck to you and your brother.

[myTake Owner]

It's really tentativr. He's gotten clean for much longer before. I need to see something long term you know? And I mean I would be open to giving him objective unemotional feedback but I guess he isn't happy with me right now. I said unforgivable things.

Anyway thank you for sharing your story. I'm sirry you had to go through that but I'm glad you came out if it. The person you are clean looks so different to the people who love you than the one you are when you're high. I'm sure they're grateful to habe the real you back <3

[Anonymous]

Drug addiction is a hard thing it isn't easy to get clean and from what I understand you usually have problems before the addiction. I was a user for about half of my life opioids destroyed my life. I was always the "good" kid most of my life never lied never stole did good things for others with no expectations. But on a random summer day I was given a pill and I felt wonderful my self esteem was lifted I was on top of the world, I began to chase this feeling thinking it could solve all my problems. The only way I can describe addiction is the same way a person could describe love for their spouse. It's a sick twisted way of thinking you lie and cheat for it. I thankfully had a lot of people who care about me. They all had tough love they didn't trust me but the forced me into rehab I still maintained their distrust that way I could never take advantage again it has been four years now that i have been sober and it's still hard I still have bad days and all I could think about doing is throwing my new life away. For me what has worked is basically understand that I may screw up but also remembering how awful things were when I used. Everyday I am constantly working on myself to become a better person and basically rejecting almost everything about who I was while using I have had to brainwash myself into becoming clean it's not easy but nothing about being and addict was easy either. From being around drug addicts most of my life I'd say you can't ever trust a word out of an early recovering addict or a user as I've read in a few of the comments they are manipulative and that's why I stay away i know how they think and I almost have a sixth sense for them now if I had a loved one who was an addict I would encourage them to get clean I'd never hand them cash or anything that could be exchanged for drugs but I'd be all about tough love because I don't know why I was so one of the lucky ones who got a second chance at life but from my own experience that's how it was done. I wish you and your brother the best of luck it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with

[Youdoyouboo]

Thank you so much for your post. I'm going through a hard time with my brother currently and it seems like there is no end or cure in sight. I miss the person he used to be and wish he could see the light at the end of the tunnel. He has become a manipulative person and financial sponge to my grandmother who he yells at when he's drunk and scares her. He's 27. She can't afford to pay her bills or buy food anymore and he's forcing her to get credit cards to buy him tattoos. I have had to turn away from it all as it is beyond toxic and I no longer know how to deal. I feel as though he is either blind to what he is doing or knows exactly what he's doing and just doesn't care. I know people can change and all I can do is hope that he can be one of those people some day. He has a lot to work on and I think he knows but the thought of taking the first step whatever that may be is overwhelming and seems impossible to him.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

My brother was on herion, said he never injected, there were no marks or tell tale signs EVER so we believed him (the only thing we did believe). He got on a program and onto methadone. Came off that eventually but seemed to start drinking heavily...
Which led to several attacks of pancreatitis, acute then turned to chronic.
(fast forward about 5 years from the heroin)

And guess what the docs prescribed for pain, oramorph. Now he takes his prescribed dose and says that isn't enough for the pain so gets more "morphine" off his "friends". So basically he quit a strong opiate addiction, self medicating with drink, which then causes an illness so painful he needs... yup, strong opiates...
And this "morphine" from friends, well im kinda inclined to believe its the stronger cousin of that chemical, y'all can guess what I mean and we're back to square one...

[myTake Owner]

Ohh god :/ that's the exhausting part of this. It has this death grip. Heroin always seems to find its way back into the persons life. Its very scary and disheartening sometimes. I'm sorry you have to go through this <3

[Opinion Owner]

I dont live with him and I only see him a few times a year, added to which we only have what he says to go on. All I know is, that the current pain relief of morphine given to him by the doctors is not enough he says, and that he is acquiring more "morphine" elsewhere.
Given that pancreatitis is one of the most painful conditions a person can have, in a way who can blame him for wanting relief...
im just glad he's not living with us or anywhere near me, it was a total nightmare before. Too much to go into but it would all be familiar to you.

[Spiorad_Aisce]

Having an addict in the family is one of those things you have to have experience of before you really think about going in there and offering advice. Anything I say will be moot as you say there are support organisations and I am sure plenty of forums on the net that may not offer you any solutions but may offer paths to follow. Your family is in my thoughts, best of luck and good wishes.

[Rawrzz]

"He went from being a smart, cute, funny kid with a bright future to an underweight, grungy, heavily tattooed wannabe gangster with bad teeth and a dead eyed gaze."

Hey that's me. Mmm. With decent teeth and no tattoos.

[Rawrzz]

@rescuemyheart I did. I misread. I also said I could be wrong tho.

"I hope you overdose and die." Trying to say "He called me the enemy," when you had just told him you hoped he died? You think anyone would not consider you the 'bad guy' after you told them you hoped they died?

Maybe you said what you really felt. Maybe it wasn't just an emotional outburst. Maybe you really wish he was dead, because it would be less painful for you? Are you sure it's that you don't want to enable him and not just that you want to prove that you have no obligation to your brother? Hell. Maybe you blew up because you wanted to emotionally push him into another OD. Subconsciously. Maybe the only reason you talked to him was to solidify his metaphorical death.

Mm. I have a piece of information that could potentially help aid your brother recover--or at least maintain his roller coaster at a stable level for awhile. At min, it could save him some pain. I can give a link. You want it?

[myTake Owner]

What I actually said was that I said something really horrible (tho not nearly as bad as what he had said to me earlier) in a highly emotional state. And I immediately regretted and admit it was terrible. But even tho I could forgive him everything he put me through, he couldn't forgive me that.. because it became an excuse to feel like a victim and not be responsible for his actions. If you knew the horrible things he said to me..

In that moment, I did wish it. Because I was scared of him and what the drugs had done to him. I felt like he was a threat to the safety of anyone he came in contact with and I just wished something terrible.. but as soon as the words left my mouth, the feelings were gone, I realized I didn't want that and I regretted saying it.

Yeah you can give me a link

[Rawrzz]

Or you subconsciously repressed it, because the idea of thinking "I want my brother to die," would morally affect you and damage your psyche or self-perception. But alright. I'll take your word for it.

Okay. Let me follow you for a second. I'm not trying to advertise this. I don't want any teens seeing, on the off chance.

[Rawrzz]

Mmm. Still won't let me message you... -.-;; Well, whatever. Research mitragrayna speciosa. Technically a relative of the coffee plant, but it has a similar effect to opiates. It's shown promise in treating addiction and getting off various drugs from alcohol to meth: and heroin. Has a cross tolerance with opiates. But it is illegal in several countries and several U. S. states, though it's legal in most of the U. S. Just became illegal in UK, though, or soon will be. 0% chance of dangerous OD, has an effect ceiling. I got off a 2 year morphine habit with it. Basically it was a switching of addictions, but no one ever died from mitragrayna and side effects are very minimal.

At min, it can be used as a supplement when out of opiates, to decrease withdrawals. It will ease opiate withdrawals. Effective for PAWS, too. Google Erowid Vaults: Kratom.

Don't buy from smoke shops: bad quality, stains K image. Buy from enthobotanical online vendors. Very cheap in contrast to strt drgs

[Offthelist]

Thank you for posting tht. Really something i needed to read.

[myTake Owner]

I'm really glad it helped you <3

[abundantlyrich]

They have 'stuff' attached to them, trying to draw out their last breath of life

[koksss]

this is a real touching thing , u wrote it as is if u are the person ( addict person ) that is suffering. but i need to re correct some of what u said

[LiveFreeorDieHard]

How does he affordable drugs.

[Anonymous]

oh ye good for him