When Your First Friend Dies

[BeeNee]

I've been to a lot of funerals: my maternal grandparents, my great uncle, 2 of my great aunts and their husbands, my aunt, and two of my cousins. I even had to go to my great aunt's funeral on my birthday one year, but I'm pretty sure nothing in life can prepare you for your first friend dying or a child dying, and in this case, not only was he my friend, but he was my first ever boyfriend.

It was just a regular old day in the week when John died. My circle of friends, all of us friends since high school were gathered at John's best friends house, who was also my best friends husband. We were laughing it up, binge watching some movies, and just having a good old time, when we got a phone call from John. This lucky dog was going on the island vacation of a life time and we were all incredibly jealous. We gathered around the phone to hear him tell us he was about to board a plane for his destination, and we all wished him well, told him we loved him as was customary to do with our group, and went back to our good times.

A few days later, I was recovering from an ongoing illness when something just didn't feel right. I've never been into hocus pocus premonition type stuff, but it was something in the way the phone was ringing that made me uneasy. When I got a chance to dial the number back, it was my best friend. She sounded aweful, and I heard the words no one wants to hear. John's dead. But John's on vacation...how can he be dead? No, John...he's...he's dead. He was in the pool trying to learn to swim. There were no life guards, and...um...some guests found him there...in the water. There was silence followed by a lot of tears.

John, along with all my circle of friends met each other our freshman year of high school. We just clicked. We were totally different people to look at us, but somehow we worked. John and I ended up dating our senior year of high school, went to prom together, graduated, then dated into college, before breaking up, but remained friends. There was such love and respect for one another in our group. There was rarely if ever any drama, our families all got along and considered us to be one big family. Seven of us ended up going to the same college together, we were in each others weddings, we celebrated first birthday's of kids and first real apartments and houses, we went on vacations together, all of it, and now somehow the sum total of our 18 years of knowing one another was now somehow sitting in front of us in a wooden box. I remember thinking John looked like an extra from "Men in Black," his hair now tucked neatly behind his ears, and still, very still.

Coming in to the funeral, there we all were dressed in our blacks and greys, huddled around in a circle. No one really dared approach our circle initially out of respect. Tons of people were there and knew to let us have these moments to just hug and cry. Now in the moment, my best friend lost it, and John's two best friends looked completely drained of all life. I kept hugging and holding on to my own best friend adn not wanting to let her go. I didn't know if I could make it through. I couldn't bring myself to sit up front near the casket. Other than the one glance at John, I just kept my eyes focused on the glass panel in front of me telling myself to hold it together. Finally the family was brought in. John was his mother's only child. The pain of it all came reigning down on her, and she let out this terrifyingly loud scream. I think it shook everyone in the room to the core, and the entire room erupted in tears. His mother just didn't want them to shut the casket because she knew that would be it. He would officially be gone, and then he was.

As painful and as difficult as the whole process was to say goodbye, the one thing, the absolute one thing that made any of it, any type of bearable was the fact that ever since high school we'd always made it a priority whenever we'd leave for the day, or go on trips, or were just saying goodbye for the night, to hug and say I love you. The guys did it, the girls did it, we all said it and say it all the time, and even on our last phone call with John, we had said it a couple of times. Because of our closeness, we knew how he felt about us, and us him, and that outpouring of love and care really helped his mother get through her darkest days after his death.

This is the first time I've talked about John. I was thinking about him today, and given all these recent incidences of terror and crime in the news both local and foreign, I would urge you to really and truly let the people in your life know how much they mean to you. John died so randomly and without warning or preparation as many people have. One day he was talking to us on the phone, a few days later, no more. Everyone says to say I love you, but you've got to live it and mean it. Even when you fight with a friend or family member, don't walk away and let it fester. Work it out. Remember why you love them. Tell them, you love them. You have a chance now, while they are living to have no regrets.

[Polocrew]

John won't like seeing you sad from up there, he's in better place OP and I kinda exactly know what you going through but don't give up and keep pushing till it's your time and then you can share what he missed on with him up there. My dad was my hero, like biggest thing that kept me going and backed me up on everything, I know for sure I'd have killed myself if it wasn't for my mother just in hope to not get seperated from my dad and I know for sure that if given chance right now to meet him again, I'd kill myself without blinking for that. I loved him more than anything and I know he's is better place right now seeing my from up there and besides my mom that's one of major thing that tkeep me going everyday. Ima do my time here and reunite with him after my time is done because I know he'd be waiting for me in that place and then we'll continue our journey further but till that, I gotta do what he'd have wanted me to and continue my journey here making him proud and happy.

Pain doesn't get any less, You just gotta think of them too. Pretty sure your friend won't like seeing you hurt so just keep killing it here and be in for good time, not for long time.

[BeeNee]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I imagine he is somewhere watching over you as only he can. Every single day I am incredibly thankful for the friends I do have because there was never a moment, even now, that we haven't been there for one another and each others families. All anyone has to do is call and say I'm in it right now, and we're there as soon as we can or we will talk for hours if need be. You just never know how it will affect you, but when you have the love and support of at least one person, it makes it that little bit easier to deal with.

[Polocrew]

I know about that turning call OP and I know what you going through and I know it's hardest thing in world you ever gonna do but know this too, You got tons of people that care about you. Family, friends and him too and your best friend won't like seeing you giving up and that's one of major reason why you gotta push. We are just temporary little small things, When our work here is done. We gonna move in place they are and they'd be waiting for us when we reach there and we gonna continue our journey further. I didn't die before to tell if there really is hell and heaven but I sure as hell know there's better place they in waiting for us. Keep faith, stay strong. he's looking over you

[TheBraveLion]

Honestly this is one of the strongest messages I have ever read bro. I know the feeling, same thing with my grandad and with what you said I completely agree with you! It's always hard but it's important to move on knowing they're safe now and keeping the memories you have for life.

[Imafreespirit]

So sorry for your loss... I can relate somehow, the guy I loved passed away too, we didn't get to be together for a couple of reasons, but there were very strong feelings and I think nothing prepares u for this kind of pain and it gets so confusing and frustrating, but we have to be grateful for all the good moments and try to have a smile on our face when we remember this amazing people that were part of our life. Stay strong :) thanks for sharing your story

[redeyemindtricks]

I had to bury a couple of friends in high school -- which is a couple more than anyone ever should.

The most important thing is to make sure the memory of yr friend lives on -- and not just in the sense of visiting graves, or having memorial services, every now and then.
More importantly, yr friend's memory should live on, in yr mind.
You'll become just that much more aware of the world, and of how all of our lives depend on each other, and of how much we all NEED each other.

I can still remember the first one like it was yesterday, even though it was more than 25 years ago. My brothers carried him across our school's football field in celebration... and, just 6 days later, they carried him across that same field in a wooden box.

6 days.

Ever since then, that thought has haunted me, constantly. Who else, in my life, might have only 6 days left? Who might even be 4 or 5 days into those six?
It really is the kind of awareness you can't get any other way.

Ever since that day, I've started EVERY day by reaching out to at least one person, in my life, and expressing gratitude for what he/she has added to my life.
Sometimes it's just a friend or a client I see every week anyway; other times, it'll be someone I haven't talked to in 10 or 20 years.

Occasionally, I've even written letters to people who've hurt me -- both to express my wishes that they've found a better place in life, and to let them know I've ultimately learned valuable lessons from what they did.
There's something to be gained from everyone, really.

This is also something I'd recommend to anyone who's struggling with finding meaning in life, and/or with depression in general -- regardless of whether they've had to deal with this kind of personal loss.
Very few things in my life have contributed to my own happiness and inner peace as much as something as simple as this -- expressing a little bit of gratitude, every day.

[BeeNee]

Thanks for your story, and I'm sorry for your loss. I'm so glad you wrote this because I really and truly can relate to the after math for you. Literally four years ago, one of my employees came to my desk when I was particularly stressed and exhausted and asked for a brief meeting. I was mentally done for the day, but I asked her to come in, and her next few words completely changed my life. She expressed gratitude for everything I was doing for the staff. She said she knew how stressed out I was, but it was because I was trying to make the place a better place for them and she said thank you. She also said she believed in "giving flowers" to the living as opposed to, placing them on their graves. I was absolutely floored by this. I mean it really shook me that someone not only cared and that staff were actually appreciative of my efforts, but that she would personally come and tell me this.

[BeeNee]

So I went home that day and I began every year writing a hand written letter to 5 people in my life that I felt had made the same impact, my staff member was making on me. The letters were long, expressed all the things they'd done for me, how good a friend or family they'd been to me, how they've helped, inspired, loved, cared, sacrificed for me, what have you. I wrote them, sometimes never expecting to hear back because of time, distance, etc. but the response to the letters often has been the most interesting part. A lot of people I write to were me in that office that day, tired, stressed, unappreciated, they feel unloved and getting the letter helped them see that people do care. I mean you just really never know what people are going through. We just think its us, us, us, all the time, but we forget.

It's everyday though that the gratitude, love, and care must be given 100%. It's unfortunate that sometimes it takes death to make people truly understand, but lessons in life.

[redeyemindtricks]

"It's unfortunate that sometimes it takes death to make people truly understand, but lessons in life."

^^ My first thoughts tend to be along these lines, too -- It's unfortunate.

But, then, I realize that it might not be so unfortunate, because it means that our friend's death -- however senseless, and however incomprehensible -- wasn't totally in vain.

[vonasaurus]

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss, and I can relate to this more than I care to admit.

I was 21 and living 6 hours away from home when Ryan (one of my best friends from high school) passed away. Like you, I had never been a believer in premonitions or any of that stuff up to that point, but I had this unsettling feeling of knowing that something was very wrong. And, when I got the call, I just knew.

Then I was 25, my friend Aaron took his own life. No one had even known that he was suffering, and we were all completely blindsided.

The truth only came out after he died. His wife, who was very insecure, had forbade him to hang out with us, as there were women in the group (myself and one other). Then, she cheated on him and asked for a divorce; he wanted to die as her husband, and that's exactly what he did when he hung himself in their bedroom. Despite many efforts to save his life, he was pronounced brain-dead, and machines were the only thing keeping him alive; he was removed from life support a few days later.

Aaron's funeral was on a grey and drizzly, yet unseasonably warm, December afternoon. Due to the nature of his death, the family had chosen to have him cremated; seeing that small box at the altar, and knowing that my friend was inside it, was very strange and unsettling. His now-widow was there, but none of us would look at her. We hovered near each other instead, all dressed in black or grey, as if for protection. And I knew, in that moment, that I'd never be the same person again.

Saying goodbye is not something that gets easier with time, and I agree with you that it's important to spend time with the people we love while they're alive. Unfortunately, a lot of folks these days are far too busy staring at their phones and are more connected to the Internet than to each other.

Thank you for sharing your story, and for reading mine.

[BeeNee]

Thank you for sharing your own story, and I too, am sorry for both your losses. Loving one another while we're here is definitely one of the biggest lessons I'm glad I knew before hand, and emphasize now every single day with friends and family because like your friend who was hurting inside, you don't know what people are going through sometimes or your blindsided by deaths after emergencies, etc. It sucks either way, but I'm finding that talking about now, is like a slow release of those emotions I've been keeping inside about it all that I need to let go of.

[vonasaurus]

Same here. Although I've found ways of dealing with it over time, I don't think I've ever truly let go. But I'm learning how to do that, slowly but surely.

Thanks again, and be safe.

[TheBraveLion]

I really can relate to this, an amazing friend of mine we were soul mates, did everything together, loved the same music, sports, both very very similar in every way teated each other like brothers. We met on a school ski trip 6 years ago first time I will never firget him ever. He died of meningitis spontaneously one day, i literally couldn't hold it in, i was so upset, even writing this I have tears, but also tears of happiness too, i miss him so much and I know what you're going through! But stay strong make him proud! :)

[TheBraveLion]

And now I join charity fund raisers with his family to earn money to help towards those with meningitis which makes me feel so much better too helping others to avoid the situation me, his friends and family had.

[BeeNee]

Sorry for your loss. It's always this thing where for the most part you can keep it together, but it will be that one thing, or event you always went to, or seeing a movie they loved, that makes you tear up and then you realize, maybe you aren't as together as you thought, or at least that's how I feel. Loss sucks for everyone, and it truly is sometimes taking it moment by moment, but I'm glad you took your grief and did something very positive with it.

[Spiorad_Aisce]

Sorry for your loss - Yeah losing a good friend is up there with losing an immeadiate family moreso if you are closer to your friends than your family - I have lost a few acquaintances but no friends as yet. I did lose my father a year and a half ago so I assume it is something like that.

[WombRaider]

In July I heard, through Fb, that a girl I knew at school had died from cancer.

I had spoken to her a few times at school, but I can't claim to be a friend.

I hated the fact that the people who used to pick on her and bully her wrote long paragraphs on how sorry they are, etc..

[BeeNee]

There is no point telling the dead you're sorry or remorseful, because they left this world thinking otherwise. A lot of suicides happen because people feel alone and unloved in this world. It's sad and it sucks beyond measure. Sorry to hear about your friend. Maybe people closest to her were of comfort.

[WombRaider]

Again, she wasn't a "friend", she was someone I did speak to from time to time... but she was bullied a lot and it made me sick reading all these two-faced pricks at school writing how sorry they are, blablabla...

[NedfromtheNed]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGoCF2v6Aeg

[xXiTacoXx]

I don't really feel anything at the funerals of people who I don't know even if they are family members, but I'd go fucking ballistic if someone that was actually close to me died.

[Pinkbeauty]

I'm sorry for your loss my dad died from a rare cancer and he died from cutaneous lymphoma

[BeeNee]

I'm sorry to hear that.

[Pinkbeauty]

thanks

[jacquesvol]

I can't count the number of friends, family members and acquaintances who died.
It's due to my age.

[BeeNee]

My grandmother, who lived to be 85, was at someone's funeral every other weekend. I kept asking her why she went to so many, and she would just say because you do that for friends and family, you don't let people die alone. I can't argue with that.

[jacquesvol]

I tend to avoid funerals.
I did not go to friends' funerals.
One exception: the 21 yo son of one of my coworkers.