Mean Mothers... What to do About Them?

[JustAnotherGirlie]

Motherhood has a certain image in American media. We picture mothers to be selfless, kind, thoughtful women that cater to their children hand and foot. Mothers are the people we think of when we are sick or hurt, when we want love we look to them.

But everyone doesn’t have that experience.

It’s difficult to criticize or even explain a childhood with a bad or “Mean Mother” because who will believe you? Mothers are expected to be natural nurturers. The thought of a cruel or abusive mother makes us uncomfortable.

Who do you tell? Who can you talk to? Who will BELIEVE your mother was evil or unkind?

I would.

My story

My so called Mean Mother wasn’t as bad as others. Did she hit me? Only if it was a spanking. Did she emotionally abuse me? Not necessarily. So what was the problem?

Bridgett (my mother) wasn’t emotionally available. She was a victim of emotional abuse and manipulation for many years by my father. And I think, to cope, she would let out her anger on the kids.

I have 2 younger brothers and all of us agree our mother is truly off her rockers. She is loud, cruel, and has serious anger problems. Her anger is explosive and unceasing. One wrong move (honestly you could breathe wrong) and she will yell and yell and yell. It’s almost like bullying - you can’t run away, you can’t fight back, all you can do is wait until the onslaught of hurtful words is over.

It happens everyday. And she can be set off by the slightest thing, it doesn’t have to be serious. I’ve spent so much time trying to avoid making her angry (and unintentionally doing so) that leaving for college was a breath of fresh air.

The rampages she would go on aren’t the full picture either. She’s also incredibly unresponsive. I can talk to her and she will barely acknowledge my existence. Any time I try to connect, she rebuffs my attempts. She deliberately ignores me and continues whatever task she was doing. It’s intentional and hurtful.

Its its been years of her ignoring me. Years of her invalidating my feelings. So much so that I have emotional problems as an adult. At times, my anger goes to far and I verbally lash out at others. Just like her. At times I’m hyper critical, cruel and mean, just like her.

I don’t want to be like her. I want to be loving and kind. I want to be thoughtful and considerate of others. I want to be emotionally available to my kids. I don’t want them to fear me like my brothers fear her.

Does anyone else have a Mean Mother? Or maybe an abusive one? My mother went through her own abuse and to a degree, became almost emotionally abusive. But some people have it much worse.

We need to break the cycle of abusive mothers. And we need to make it okay to talk about mothers who treat us horribly.

[WhistleForTheChoir]

I don't know if I can relate exactly, but my mother definitely wasn't available. I remember in my childhood she had a temper, and would often say things like "man up", "stop being a cry-baby/know-it-all", etc. She made it clear it wasn't okay to share my feelings. But she was bipolar, and after a particularly bad manic episode during which she neglected me to a criminal degree, she was put in a mental hospital and I was bounced around between other care-takers. She wrote me letters on pages ripped out of the composite notebooks she was given, and often these letters were filled with delusion, paranoia and bad advice.

When released she would remain in half-way homes before inevitably being sent back again. She would call me sometimes several times a day, sometimes at school and give me the same advice I remember getting from her as a child, i. e. "Don't show your feelings," "Be a 'real' man". She ended up killing herself when I was still young.

Even though she was not well, the influence of her is still very much a reality for me. She was very dead-set on making me a "real" man, but I think it had the opposite effect. I've grown into a very emotionally fragile, easily hurt person with no confidence in themselves. I tell myself that she was sick, and not to take what she said to heart, but the things we witness in childhood aren't quite as simple as that. It's strange. I don't miss my mother, nor do I wish for her back. I was always afraid of her, and even now that she's been dead for over a decade I still resent her. Maybe sometimes I wish I had a different mother, then my life would've turned out differently, but never do I desire HER. I try to tell myself it wasn't her fault, but that's a cold comfort.

[JustAnotherGirlie]

Emotional neglect is another form of abuse - it’s just as bad. Sometimes people will make you feel bad for not missing your mother but I totally get why some people wouldn’t.

And I totally feel you on the mental illness stuff, because it can mess with your head. My father has really bad depression, along with addictions that he couldn’t hide from his family. His life just got worse and worse and it reflected on how he treated us kids. Eventually he got emotionally abusive and started threatening to kill us. At that point, my mother promptly divorced him. I’m thankful though, because plenty of women are emotionally abused and killed when they try to leave. It’s very dangerous. At any rate, the fallout from his mental illness never went away. He still hasn’t gotten the help he needs.

God forgives but I don’t

[bubble_tea]

I don't know what to say.. except I hope you can find inner peace someday, where you look back and feel nothing anymore.

[BeeNee]

I definitely applaud you for talking about it. I have a friend who came to school once with a broken arm. He was sort of illusive as to how it happened, but it turned out after a lot of questioning that he had an abusive mother (his father was not in the picture). She had gotten angry at him and broken it and he refused to call the police or anybody because he had 3 other siblings and the thought of splitting them up or living with his relatives who were even worse, was too much to bear.

I ended up meeting her twice, and she was very civil and polite, but every single one of his siblings had way too many horror stories for me to believe that was who she was. It still disturbs me to this day because my parents were and are those nurturers.

It's incredibly difficult when the fantasy picture of what a family should be like or a mother should be like, isn't the case. As you say, you can't really talk about it because people either don't get it, or they think you're lying, or like my friend's mom, they see only one side of her and think that's who she is. I think you should put distance between you and really honestly, seek out some counseling to help yourself break the cycle. You know it's not okay to act as your mother does, but you still have much more of a chance at a young age to turn it around before you start hurting others to the point of no return.

[JustAnotherGirlie]

That’s what I’m relying on. Time is on my side for now

[SaskiaBlueRaySoul]

hi, we are souls of our existence and like you said people out there may of had it worse, however, it is an individual existence that has affected you, i and every person. sometimes you may act in ways that you feel reflect how your mother was and you dont want to be her. these times teach us that being a parent when you are tired and stressed out and at the end of your mental tether you may act, do and say things to your children or partner that you hate and they reflect the worst memories you have regarding your own mother or both parents. these times we have to accept help us to heal and the good side is by us recognising these moments is us progressing moving forward trying our best not being as hurtful as own parental experiences were at the same time it teaches us the other side partly a vision of understanding of perhaps the levels of stress and strains they were under at the time of our childhood. the difference for me is I've tried to be much more open and honest with my children compared to my up bringing and explain myself and my troubles. also if i kick off and make a mistake when it calms down i will go and talk and say sorry my mother NEVER did that... my mother at quite an age now can still be SO mean i have learned to distance myself from her because its actually the only way, she is too old now to change and im sick of putting up with her down... the fact you are so aware of the damage she has done is a great thing. just dont be too hard on yourself because as a mum you will say and do things that after you feel bad about, some are just and some are just real life reactions which you can respond to after, youve got it all in hand girl xx

[JustAnotherGirlie]

I 100% agree. I fully intend on apologizing to my kids when i mess up. I want to teach them personal space and boundaries - I as a parent don’t need to infringe upon them in order to be a disciplinarian. I don’t want that for them.

A big part of my problem with my mother (I didn’t mention this in the mytake) is that our family’s personal struggles became my own. I am stretched thin for money, I have no car, horrible credit (she tried to get a car with me as a co-signer). It’s just god awful and I always felt like if I had a normal family, I wouldn’t struggle so hard for scraps.

Hell. I work 2x as hard as others bc I know no one will help me. No one will give me money for a car so I can go to internships and get jobs. No one will help me pay off my student loans or credit card debt. No one is coming to help me so I have to help myself.

I think that’s what makes me so cold to her. My life is fucked up bc of her and my father.

[NatashaJ]

I agree I don't hate my mom but I do want space from her for a few years I have resentment towards her especially how she lets my oldest sister be a twat waffle for many years and when I gave her a taste of her bullshit (talking mad shit about people constantly) and I got shit for it. Even thou she never mention to my sister how calling someone else kid a retard is not ok and denying it constantly is not ok either. I am just tired how my two other sisters (I forgot the middle sister not the oldest) and my mom a little bit nitpick everything about me. From my hair, clothes, my mistakes in the past (funny how that has to be brought up constantly but none of them ever bring up their mistakes in the past either). I am realize my mom brought this toxic bullshit into the house the minute she didn't stop their bullshit. I don't understand some people why they think its ok to constantly hound on one family member and they don't get why maybe just maybe that family member is tired or doesn't like or want to be around them for that reason.

[NatashaJ]

forgive*

[NatashaJ]

I realize how control I was in life while my other two sisters got away for some much shit and I feel constantly trap when I was younger. I mean talking about not being able to dye my hair, do my makeup etc and because I don't go and be disobedient so my sisters will hound on me for that for being the "perfect child" when I never felt I was or try to be but they give shit for that and I know my oldest sister jealous of that. Like no matter what I do it has to be "talk about" which is why I am very closet with my mom I don't tell her a lot for a reason. And maybe I forgive her one day but I don't know.

[JustAnotherGirlie]

Well one thing I know is that we have to deal with our problems. I’m trying to find a therapist for the new year to work on my issues with a professional.

I’ve encountered so much stress and anxiety from my family (other stuff too but mainly family) that it started to affect my physical health. Take the time you need to deal with this because it’s very hurtful. But I just want you to cope and move on, otherwise holding onto it for too long can have serious effects on your long term happiness and mental health. Take it from someone whose been there

[NatashaJ]

Oh I know! I been happier since grade 11 and got more happier when I left high school and now that I official kick my sister out of my life and my mom was not negative to me at all when I told her exactly why I am done with my sister I feel happier.

[art84]

My brother's ex girlfriend was similar to that degree, she wasn't abusive per say but she had an anger issue where she got mad for anything and would just go into these angry outburst when she never go her way. She has always in a mad mood and never wanted to be bothered which sorta seemed weird. Like way have children if you don't even want to care for them and be around them? Should have stayed single and just lived your life however you wanted to and never got knocked up. My nephews even saw how their mom was around my brother and it's an image that they will never forget. I kinda see it as being Two Faced, being one way for a little bit and then turning into a different person. She seemed to only care about herself and no one else and just wanted alone time. It even hurt as her children as she was never there emotionally for them or had that bond with them when they were growing up. They are a bit older and I hope that they can forgive their mom for her mistakes and not hate for what she did to them growing up.

[JustAnotherGirlie]

This kind of behavior can have bad effects on kids for sure. For me, It created a specific type of attachment disorder that prevents me from having meaningful relationships. I’m fearful-avoidant because of it.

[silverqueen]

Yes, I have a mean mother... but it’s hard to call her that sometimes, because it’s like two people living in one.

One day, she’s caring and understanding. The next day, she becomes a monster that gets mad at everything.

So what IS my mother? I just call her unstable, not necessarily mean altogether. But it is still as bad or worse. It shouldn’t be this way though it is.

But you know what I’m thankful for? My father. He is mother and father in one. He is the nurturer, the supportive, the provider and protector. I know a lot of people have two abusive parents, and my situation isn’t as bad as theirs, which is why I’m thankful for having a father that fulfills both roles.

This is why I look up to him, and only him. It’s difficult to accept, once you found out, that your mother isn’t the “ideal” mother you once thought she was. In my, and your, case however, that’s exactly what happened.

How to cope? There are many different ways we can begin our healing process. I found, at a very early age, that accepting myself for who I am (including my mistakes, flaws, etc.) is the most important thing I can do in my life. This is the FOUNDATION of a stable person, which is what I want to be, unlike my mom.

Love yourself. Many people say “Yes you’re right” but they then continue to be unnecessarily critical toward themselves. This shouldn’t be happening! Don’t depend on others to be an independent and likeable person. You’re YOU- and no one else.

[karahiri]

she sounds a bit like my mom. it's hard to be critical of her because there are so many things she did right. and i feel for her because she suffered so much because of my father and his family. she wasn't born this way. i don't think she's perfect, and she probably was never that warm, but i think her experience as a wife really... hurt her.

my mom did hit us with these wooden rods she bought from home depot, the kind you tie to the plants to keep them growing straight. in my culture, it isn't uncommon to get hit, so i didn't think of it as "wrong" at the time, but it definitely made me really angry whenever it happened. anyway, she's an ambitious woman who has very high expectations of us. and failing to meet those expectations meant a withdrawal of her love and affection. she's incredibly stubborn and verbally abusive. i honestly didn't even think of it as a big deal until i recently told my best friend some of the things she's said to me and my friend was in complete disbelief. she's called me a whore, told me i deserve cancer, told me to get murdered, wished for me to get hit by a car, etc. and she loves the silent treatment. the longest that went on for was about three months when i was 18. it only stopped because i wanted the silence to be over on my birthday. and now, basically 10 years later, we're back to the silent treatment.

i too don't want to be like her. but i already am. i have high expectations like she does. i express my displeasure when people fail to meet my expectations of them. i'm distant. i stop communicating sometimes. i don't ask for help. i expect people to come to me, out of pride. i never go to them. i'm quite disillusioned when it comes to relationships, fidelity, trust, love, family. frankly, i don't know if talking about it will do anything. it won't change what happened, it won't transform me into a softer person. it's already done. i sometimes think the only way to end the cycle is to not have children at all.

[Anonymous]

I feel you. my mother was very similar. I try to stay out of her way but it doesn't matter because she will find ways to be mad at me and make me feel like shit. If she sees my face and is in the mood she will tell me that my face acne looks so bad that I look like a meth addict. She also goes out of her way to make fun of my weight. I could actually breathe wrong and she asks whats wrong with me and I wouldn't be aware that my breathing angered her. Her favorite things to say to me if she's angry is that I am the biggest that she has ever known/on the face of the planet or "are you really that dense?". I was diagnosed with APD and she knows it and still gets pissed off if I have trouble following directions that was only verbal. She even belted me for academic things such as working too slow on my math homework or forgetting an assignment on my desk. As well as hitting me with a hanger when I was like ten minutes late out the door to a boy scout meeting one night. I am in college now and I think that the only reason she pays for it is to take it away at any sign of slacking off. I have had a couple bad semesters because I was really stressed out and I am surprised she hasn't taken me off yet and forced me to live at home. I have heard many colorful words from her about my grades every semester and I really cannot take it anymore. She has ruined my ability to make friends with ease (I am thankful that I have a girlfriend who loves me though) so I live in an apartment alone and it makes me stress out even more. I completely understand your situation and stay strong.

[themetalhead]

my mom was never like that but my great grandma was. I never met her, thank goodness, but out of all the kids she had, she hated my grandma. she was very abusive verbally and physically, only to her. no one truly knows why. when my grandma moved out of the home when she became an adult she would try to talk to her on the phone but my great grandma never spoke. I've been told that even though I'm only 17 I'm very nurturing and loving like a mother, and I hope to be my best like that once I'm a mom later in life.

[MrMysteryMan]

Why not look at the problem that caused you both to hurt and make it a point to not do it yourself? Like do something that will help you catch your emotional breakdowns or lack of empathy or feeling. Like you know it hurts and you know you hurt others, so why don't you change? Seems kind of lazy to me. I used to do drugs and it wasn't until I stepped back and looked at how my friends acted around them that I noticed that it was what I looked like and how it was affecting my life. So I decided not to do it anymore and got away from those friends and just got out of that environment. I've been drug free for 10+ years and I don't look back and I'll never get in that environment again. So what is stopping you from doing the same? Just make it a point NOT to give into those negative desires/feelings and just NOT do it? Not saying it's easy, because it wasn't for me, but it is doable since I did it. So...

[bubble_tea]

I think angry outbursts are emotional abuse when it happens so frequently. My mother is probably bi-polar and I told myself in my teenage years that I would never have kids, because like you I didn't want to become a monster.

[NatashaJ]

I know I have some anger issues due to my upbringing and my sisters constantly talking about me and making fun of me and then people around me why wonder I am angry person. But I got better over the last few years just some things that trigger my anger like shit talking or rude behaviour.

[JustAnotherGirlie]

@NatashaJ @bubble_tea Everything you guys said.

I have learned that feeling overwhelming emotion is a trigger for me. I’m usually pretty harmless and rational but in moments of intensity (only when I feel attacked or extreme emotion) I can be really mean and lash out at others. I don’t want to be emotionally abusive to my kids or cut them out of my life. A lot of us could end up being avoidant towards our kids, creating a fearful-avoidant attachment with our children.

Currently learning to be more loving and vulnerable, mainly because it’s better for my emotional and mental health. Kinda feels like stepping out into the sun after being inside all day. Blinding at first but very warm

[bubble_tea]

@NatashaJ @JustAnotherGirlie Yeah, I've changed over the years too. I'm at the point now, where I'm positive that I won't become my mother, because I realized I don't tell everyone "I am who I am. I can't change my shitty behavior. You have to accept it and love me anyway." No, I am willing to change for the better.

[Wickenden]

My moms very similar to this. I get yelled at when I try to do nice things too. She made me feel bad about being a guy too and I'm still dealing with that. I just try to get away as much as possible

[Anonymous]

NPD mom perhaps?

My mom is an NPD mean mom. Weve started healing little by little as she's coming to terms, but its hard if they areny willing.

She is still very inconsiderate and emotionaly withdrawn.

I was never precious to her and a burden to her already miserable life according to her.

It took aggressive breast cancer survival for her to start waking up and realizing the kind of mom she has bern, but its a very tender wound.

[GracefulCharm]

I didn't discover who I was until I moved out away from my mother. She was definitely abusive and hindered my development as a person.

[XsomebodyelseX]

My mom used to be that way. She has come really far and we are best friends now.

[passinby]

tie those damn tubes now because no kid deserves those ashls

[Numbers-of-EBOLI]

There's also mean women who decide to abort from becoming mothers. Those women are mean too.

[jacquesvol]

Just wait till you're rid of them

[makuks]

mean mothers should get raped

[Anonymous]

Many people DEFINITELY should NOT be parents!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't put up with that shit!

[Anonymous]

I love my mom