Inevitably in most long term friendships, there will come a point where your friend will find that they are in such a place where they feel as though they are going through hell. It could be the death of a beloved family member or pet, financial struggles, health problems, issues with their family or other friends, mental and/or physical abuse, addiction, depression, you name it. As friends, you're used to operating in a certain way where the two of you really get and understand one another and that's usually during more happy times, but when your friend or yourself is not able to operate in that mode, what can you do to help them?
1. Pay Attention
Some friends will try and deny that there is an issue with their friend who's mood and outlook in life seem to have changed or simply assume it is something that will pass easily with a few outings here and there to cheer them up, but if this isn't working, pay attention. If your friend is struggling hard, you ignoring it and them, can exacerbate the problem because some cries for help, are silent ones.
2. Listen
I mean really listen. Once you've established this is probably something more then a little passing blues over their issue, really take time to let them open up and listen to what they have to say instead of just automatically spouting things you think are helpful like motivational quotes. It can be soul crushing to have to keep something in and just you being there and giving them a safe space to talk about their issues without you just spouting off advice, can help immensely. And don't stop at one conversation. It may take several and over a long period for them to work through what they need to work through, but knowing they can count on you to be able to let them vent, cry, scream, and explain what they've been dealing with is invaluable.
3. Try Not To Judge
If a friend is coming to you and telling you their truth, try your hardest to reserve your judgment of them and what they are going through. Odds are, they have already been beating themselves up about it and aren't looking for someone else to then come down on them even more for it. If what they are going through is something you'd never have done or you think it's wrong, that's okay to have those thoughts, but the more important thing is they are probably realizing the same things which is why they are coming to you in the first place.
4. Don't Avoid Them
It can be tempting when a friend is in the struggle to avoid them because you feel as though it's a total mood killer to be around them, but imagine yourself going through what they are going through and how hard it may be for you. If all your friends just started to avoid you when you needed them most, how would that make you feel. Suck it up and be the friend you're supposed to be for them.
5. Avoid Being Dismissive
"Are you still crying over your dog? He was 'just a dog.'" "The break up was months ago, let it go already. He wasn't that great." "You're not depressed, you're just being dramatic." "If it were me, I wouldn't do that." Grief and things like mental health issues are not something that have a set time table to deal with. They may take months or even lifetimes of struggle with some days being better than others. Don't think because you went through something similar or "if it were you," you'd do something different because each person is different and handles things differently. You should never assign a way that someone else 'should' be able to work through something by the book or by what you personally think you would do. Also be very careful with trying to diagnose from the hip, whether someone has a medical or mental issue if you are not yourself their doctor. You looking at someone and saying they do or don't have something, is not a diagnosis and is not based on the medical facts.
6. It's Not About You
Often times someone going through a rough time may act in a way that isn't normal to them. They may exhibit anger, sadness, be all over the place, ignore your calls and texts, etc. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. When one is in deep, they are trapped in their heads and often times, normal behaviors are thrown to the wind, but if that happens to you and they lash out at you, take a deep breath and go for a walk or put their behaviors into the light of, "I know you're dealing with a lot and you don't mean what you've said, but know that I'm still here for you." If you can't take their behaviors anymore, it's okay to take a break, or call up another friend to help you with them, but if you start internalizing it and getting mad about it, it's not going to be helpful for you or them.
7. Ask Direct
Instead of being broad and saying "I'm here for you," try direct asking what they need. Let them give you a list of things "they just can't" right now so you can provide help for them in a meaningful and actually helpful way.
8. Do Just One Thing
If you have a friend who seems broken, doing anything can seem like a complete burden or exhausting to them. Help them take it one step at a time. If all they can do today is wash their hair, even if you have to help them, or go for a walk around the block, that's their one thing. Tomorrow, you do another one thing and maybe the next day it's two or three until they can get back to themselves, but be patient as much as you can. They are not operating at full capacity and you not rushing them or forcing them to do more than they can handle at that point, can also help them feel not so overwhelmed or like they have to be fixed tomorrow, because it is a process.
9. Give encouragement
Celebrate the small things and milestones even if your friend cannot see it. Maybe they made it through the day without mentioning their ex, or they managed to go outside for 10 minutes, or they were able to open up a bit more to you today. Let them know how good they are doing and celebrate the accomplishments they have made. They may not be aware of how well they are doing, but a little reminder can be a good boost for them, just don't put pressure on them to do more and more or assume they are ready to be healed like tomorrow.
10. Know When To Get Professional Help
If ever your friend starts in on suicidal thoughts or you fear they may be on that road, or they are dealing with things like addiction and abuse which are probably well above your pay grade as a friend, DO help them get professional help or call 9-1-1 (or other emergency help line). A lot of people fear a friend may hate them for calling 9-1-1 or getting someone else to help, but would you rather your friend be a little upset at you temporarily or the alternative which is much much worse. You're human and you don't have all the answers, and it's okay if you don't, but help them find someone who can help them where you cannot.
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