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I know this will be more helpful to me than anyone else, and also since this is anonymous and the person I'm writing about doesn't know about my account nor that this site even exists, then its not going to get to back to him. However I just needed to write something about it, and maybe it could help as doubtful as I am.
I wanted to say thanks, that even though I only knew you for two weeks maybe two and a half, it's the closest thing I've had to a relationship. If I'm honest even saying that I knew we were both broken I mean the age gap is something; fourteen years older is a lot and probably the oldest I've been with. It freaked me out a few times when I realised you were seven years younger than my dad, then you had to go and say I was only four years older than your son. Then continue on to say that twenty was your dating age limit.
I mean I've been twenty one for nine months now and the biggest life lesson was a seriously bad mistake after being a mixture of depressed, lonely and having very negative friends who nitpick every single thing I do or have done. I was very gullible for a time and even starting smoking pot when I've never cared for it, never gave a damn about anyone else I have several friends who were smokers, but I've never been interested in trying myself. I felt so detached from everyone and after having a bad summer with a different housemate (short story things escalated from pranks to getting seriously pissed off, to him kicking my door in on purpose - handle didn't lock and was held while door was being kicked). I started to feel like something was wrong with me after that and subconsciously decided to stick with the "best friends" I had. So I started smoking quite often in the first few months, September -February then I slowly had less it was fun due to how I felt I never got that bubbly happy feeling, sometimes I was more relaxed but after awhile I was incredibly suspicious of my two friends. I constantly put it down to the negative side effects - paranoia.
Before that I went to Amsterdam for a three nights/four days around Oct, and I wasn't too interested in going but got persuaded and went. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have one it put me in serious money problems, where I had to go for any job that would take me. The second being I have a fear of push-bikes its not so bad in the cities of England there's always bike lanes and you see the occasional few out and most importantly I listen to music to distract myself. But I went there and saw a bike park where not ten or twenty are locked up but several hundreds maybe even a thousand or so and all of them on the bike lanes went super fast even when there were no lanes. It was after an incident where two bikes passed me either side, after struggling with the bikes for the last two days or so, that set off a massive panic attack; still I followed the group at the back after it kept my head down dispite feeling like shit and wanting to run away to hold my knees and cry, I didn't want to ruin the night.
It was the first time we visited the red light district, something that was so illegal back home and was crazy seeing it so open. After about ten minutes s or so of barely keeping it together and I've always hated crowds and having my own space, someone else noticed that I wasn't with them or at least talking to any of them. And I could tell that they were annoyed. After coming home the two who I thought was closest to me basically said why did I do it for attention and how could I have been so selfish. I cut myself a bit with my nails as the day after the panic attack from the bikes, they kept going on and on about riding the twin bikes around the town, I clearly stated I didn't want to do it and then got told to stop being a baby and to stop making it all about me. There's only a handful of things that I'm afraid of and that's bikes, wasps and probably, getting close to people. I mean one of the girls is afraid of the dark and wouldn't go out by herself at night and the other any sort of bug, pretty much most animals any speedy thing (fair ground rides or cars) and I was the wuss. It showed me just how little they cared about me, since I showed way more sympathy and sincerity for anything they were scared about.
After awhile we planned another holiday, this was going to be the last one with them I knew it, although they kept mentioning future holidays I either nodded or said yeah that sounds nice. I never really been on holiday before went to Butlins for a week and camping a couple of times but in my twenty years that was it, other than those two it's been day trips to places, couldn't ever afford more than that. So Amsterdam was a city holiday, everyone was ranting and raving about it while I was like meh I spent four hundred and fifty pounds in four days; nice place and other than weed being legal and the OMG they have prostitutes lining up on the streets it, wasn't really that different from being back home. So I got persuaded that it would be really different if I went for a summer holiday at a beach, so ended up going to Cyprus for just under two weeks, in the end had the thought of well there was some nice memories went paragliding and probably have never felt so relaxed, but by that point it was more due to me no longer giving a crap about the many whispers they shared that mentioned me more than once and rarely in positive light.
The only other thing that needs to be known was what the serious mistake was, and is my biggest regret. First time was I was getting really depressed and really needed the money, so at one point was doing fifty to sixty hour weeks and studied part time at university as well as smoking most nights. I found a remedy as time went on I was overweight at five foot nine and fourteen stone eight pounds, my constant working and eating less junk and probably less food period, along with the flight ticket booked I was determined to have a half decent bikini body and wanted to feel as beautiful and sexy as I felt dressed up drunk and a bit of makeup. In around four months I lost three stone and a few pounds though I averaged out to eleven stone six pounds. I started feeling happier as I felt... Well... Sexier as embarrassing as that is. With the heatwave and new body confidence I brought some shorts and some mid-drift tops, I died my hair to many bright colours, and boom I was actually getting catcalls as I walked down the street.
Guys were walking up to me and complimented me and I'm like wow they think I'm hot and then... They think I'm hot (and started thinking they'd only like me for my body, after all the talk from my two friends they made me feel like I had nothing to offer in a friendship, let alone anything a guy would like except sexual appeal). And still I welcomed it all with open arms which was my downfall. I've never cared so much for a loving partner to share sex with, to make love with, and was happy with the occasional one night stands which started out as figuring out my sexuality, without getting too close to anyone and let off steam and desire. Since the first of January, I've more than doubled my number due to replacing loneliness in the rush/desire in a guy, went from four to twelve the span of seven months. I know now I was unintentionally finding comfort in sex and the arms of the guys who hugged me and the few who did I never fell asleep with, just listened to their heartbeat and waiting for them to move before I had to pretend to wake up.
I'd mistaken the confident and perhaps vanity for happiness and slowly working on making friends with the guys at work. Till one night an innocent idea led to a whole chain of events doubling my number from six to twelve in the space of two months. It was nearly the end of a shift, and the guys was doing lines of Coke and offered me some. In the end I got persuaded and said what the hell, why not and then we all had a few drinks. Got a taxi over to one of the guys place, he has a son (three - rating of attractiveness and also the oldest) and we did a few more lines and stuff. Did normal things chatted, karaoke etc and as the night went on my mind was half clouded with lust only one of the guys of the three I originally thought was really hot (one), but as the night went on the other two became more, I dunno interesting and nice. It was the end of the bag and one said to lick his finger and that was as suggestive as it sounds, and I knew it got to him as well (second guy). It wasn't till the next morning when I felt weird though as it was half six in the morning and I still felt hot as ever and then I started imagining all kind of things with the married one(three) it was weird I've never thought of him like that in anyway before, and secondly I've never felt so lustful for someone before, and third which should have been warning bells was that it was wrong, which made it so much more sweeter.
It was in an alleyway I got kissed, fingered and fucked probably didn't last more than quarter of an hour, and I never hated myself like I did after that. I felt cheap, I've always used a bed even if it started somewhere else, and never exposed myself in public before and I broke my rule of no married guys, and I knew about it beforehand. Three days later and no one knew, I ended up getting seriously drunk to try and rid myself from it all, ended up getting with someone from work who I found out a day later was the fiance to my manager. That weekend it got out and both the women knew, I was getting harassed and honestly thought someone from work was going to pay for me to be jumped on the way from home, after all if you know drug dealers you'd know people who do violence, and I'd potentially ruined two marriages singlehandedly. I almost committed suicide after that, before trying to put myself back together and my friends were no help either. A week after that event I went on a blind date night, met a couple of nice blokes and had sex with one but ended up letting myself be touched by three. By which point I was in a what's the point, I've gone down one of the worst routes of life I can, before violence and murder. Nothing I can do is worse than that so I just did whatever I could.
It wasn't however, till I met you Martin that I felt somewhat normal again, and we really were a pair lol. I had put in a leave note a week after them finding out or when shit hit the fan. And it was two weeks after that I met you, three weeks after the big regret. Sounds bad but your the first guy to have not wanted or expected sex straight away, it took to our third meeting before that happened and quite frankly one of the best I ever had, never before has a guy excited me and made sure I'd gotten off before caring about himself. I've been believing all I had was my body for ages, so when I invited you in on the second night and you said no but when teased me a bit and definitely wasn't a rejection, more of a not now, I was seriously confused, especially since we got each other off without sex the night before. There was a few firsts, one being outside in public, two it was more than one night, three I actually let you in a little and it wasn't so bad. I really liked you, I knew it wouldn't last and I knew I'd probably never love you. So when you said you were going to have to slowly stop seeing me as you were falling for me, I honestly didn't really freak out I was more just confused what was so special about me. I get it I was hot, l liked action films and was good in bed, small parts of our past was similar we both had childhood abuse we've had to overcome. Though yours was a lot worse than mine and that I've pretty much dealt with everything from then, it was nice to just have people who understand.
Also being with you I could be myself, if I had a dopy moment, a childish moment, talkative, quiet, it didn't matter, whereas with the two girls we always had to be doing something. A lot of time in content with just being in people's company even if we're not talking or interacting in any way, this was considered strange with them. I felt more relaxed with you after two days then I did with them after three years of knowing them, despite knowing if I got in a fight with either of them I had a decent chance of winning, with you I didn't doubt I'd lose. In the end that just made me feel more safe, loved your arms and ass by the way ;). I'll be talking to you with all your attention whereas I haven't gotten that for awhile and we'd make jokes and it felt alright. Every time we planned something I felt excited and couldn't wait to see you again even if at times I felt uncomfortable due to you recounting your past and parts of me felt sorry for you, even after your tale of being in prison for fourteen years and noticing that your tats were all done in prison and how that effected your life. I just didn't know what to say after the second time of doing those drugs when you broke down and said you only attracted broken girls or girls who'll use him, I really felt for you because I knew I haven't been completely all there for the past year its just been made worse the last few months. I also know stuff like that was said by manipulators and didn't know what to believe, then you said you'd have to go to jail again and to contact you with your details.
If I'm honest it would do more harm than good especially since a few days later I tested myself and found out I was pregnant, and by my managers fiance no less, it just wouldn't have been fair on you to write to you. We both needed different people in our lives, and to be better extention of ourselves with whatever life throws at us. You have taught me so much a relationship isn't always about sex, I was so used to being used as I use them that it was strange at first what was going on. Or when we spent hours just chatting, or even that you was working at the arcade I went to, to spend my Saturday. I think it shocked you that because I found you attractive you wouldn't find me attractive, and it amused you when I blushed and looked away more in disbelief than anything. I've been called ugly for the past six odd years, as well as bullied growing up. I'd deemed you muscular but not bulky with tattoos and rough sorta look, tho didn't know about the tats since you were wearing a long sleeve shirt when we met. I especially liked your shyness at some things, it was cute. But I'm going to stand up for myself, stop letting myself be a welcome mat and take pride in myself. The next time I'm interested in a guy I'm going to pursue him, instead of thinking I'm not good enough to get and keep him and list hundreds of reasons why he'd never go for a girl like me. Though the baby and my number will probably make anyone not want to be with me by default.
I've decided to keep it although at first that wasn't the plan and I did numerous things over the holiday to rid myself of it and when I went to the clinic to get the abortion I just couldn't bare to kill it. I told my parents and family and now living back home, transferred university for my final year and looking at getting a flat for me and my baby girl. The dad doesn't know and I'm going to keep it that way no need to open that can of worms. I'm still scared of the reactions I'm going to get but I feel a lot happier being at home with no expectations of drinking or doing drugs. Especially since some of the best nights I've had out I've been stone cold sober, when they said that was stupid and why the hell would anyone want to go clubbing sober. Trying to talk to people and make friends is hard especially when everyone has all made groups but I'm trying none the less and I'm a lot more relaxed and happier person since the move with a lot less stress.
I know this is a long one and more of a life story than anything else, but we all make mistakes what matters is only making them once and what we do once they have passed. I'm going to live my life as a single mother proudly. And hoped you liked the quotes that I can relate to 100%, especially the mental abuse all those points were to the T with my "friends" of 3 years housemates for two, I just can't get over how I didn't realise that four step thing was used all the time. I mean I always had suspicions about things being weird or not right, but then we would make up and be fine again.
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