If you struggle with this, you're not alone. These are symptoms of fear of abandonment. I am aware of where my fear of abandonment stems from, but I won't get into that now. For now I just wanted to share what it's like for me and how I'm coping. I encourage and prefer gentle and compassionate responses, especially from those who can relate.
I usually get triggered when I don't hear back from someone in a timely manner or at all from and it happens repetitively. For instance, someone who used to reply to me in minutes to hours now replies a day or two later, or completely stops. Especially the "friends" who say, "I will never ignore you," and they do exactly that. Another one is "Call me whenever you need to talk. I'll call you back as soon as I get time" and they never do. When someone really wants to connect, they will make the time.
While I give people the benefit of the doubt, I still assume the worst. For instance I tell myself they could actually be busy working, they forgot, they are going through something personal and want space, or maybe the friendship has run it's course and it's evolving. However, it grows into negative assumptions like wondering if I've unintentionally said or did something so horrible that they are now ghosting me, they care less about the friendship, they prefer other friends, etc.
How I Cope
This is what works for me right now. I tend to get really down and depressed about this stuff, but I'm learning to bounce out of it faster and be more proactive. Please take my advice with a grain of salt. Some of this advice also works for people who are trying to move on after a break-up or irrequited love.
Delete their Contact Info
I believe the above thoughts so much that I go as far as deleting their contact info so that I won't give into the temptation of contacting them first. Sounds crazy? I know! They don't know I deleted them. This is my way of protecting myself from getting ignored again, which would cause me to entertain negative thoughts even more. This also helps me give them space without being too invasive or repeatedly asking them if I did anything wrong since that can get annoying to some. Plus, why put in anymore energy into contacting them when they aren't? It doesn't mean they are my enemy, although it does help me weed out who is really a close friend and who is more of an acquaintance. If they were to contact me again, I'd be polite, but I would keep them at arms length because I'm afraid they will ignore me again. Can anyone else relate to that?
In-Person Socializing More than Digital
Since my triggers often come from messaging & social media, I am slowly transitioning into socializing more in person than digitally, especially with people who live close. I also have FB, Twitter, and Instagram deactivated for now. Honestly I never want to go back on there. If you are also someone who deactivated social media, please share in the comments.
Communicate
I value connections that are built on honesty and respect. I am getting into the habit of asking people if they would like to connect or if they need space at the moment. I like this because builds respect and it keeps those negative thoughts of mine tamed. I also ask them to let me know immediately if I do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable in any way so I can correct it immediately. I like for people to feel comfortable around me. However, this might be an area where I need to lower my expectations. Confrontation can be awkward and the confronter may not want to come off controlling or mean. The confronted may feel like they have to walk on eggshells around the confronter. Well...even if it's awkward I'd rather know if I am annoying them because that annoyance can build overtime and ultimately turn into the infamous ghosting.
Check Myself Before I Wreck Myself
These triggering experiences have also pushed me to become more self-aware. What type of energy am I giving off when socializing? Peaceful and fun vibes or anxious and depressing? Am I relying too much on digital conversations or am I spending quality time with them in person? Am I depending on them too much for emotional support? How much is too much? Do I need to lower my expectations?
Keep Doing What I Love, Keep Meeting People, and Keep Experiencing Life
I am outgoing introvert and love to go out dancing, traveling, exercising, listening to and mixing music, attending music festivals, watching movies, shows, and YT videos, and more. I allow myself have good, bad, crazy, and mediocre experiences. I also allow myself to meet new people and just talk about different things. This sort of distracts me from entertaining those negative thoughts related to fear of abandonment.
Talk Kinder to Myself Outloud and/or In My Head
Even if it's only 2% more, it's better than nothing. It gets easier overtime. It's like building a muscle. I can not get away from myself so might as well try to be my own best friend. Some moments are easier than others.
Find a Healthy Way to Express How I'm Feeling
That could be writing like I did in this MyTake, recording a video blog, utilize my creativity i.e., express it in a dance, poetry, photograph, drawing, a short movie, etc
Help People
Whether that's simply being a compassionate listener, giving advice on sites like GaG especially if it's a situation I've been in, donating to the homeless, etc, helping people makes me feel better about myself and takes the focus away from the spiraling thoughts.
Talk to Someone I Trust
I choose people who listen with compassion, enjoy helping me, and want to see me doing well. I let them know in advance when I just want to be heard and whether or not I want advice. Some people may feel have the perfect solution and start sharing unsolicited advice. Even though they have good intentions, I may feel like they aren't really listening to me. They are welcome to ask me if I'd like to hear their advice before sharing it. I also rotate where and who I talk to so I am not overwhelming one person.
Lighten Up, Find the Humor in It, Laugh It Off
It may is not be as serious as I think. However, there have been cases where I was actually right. Regardless, sometimes I just have to find the humor in the situation and go watch a bunch of prank videos.
So I hope someone can relate to something I said here and take something from the advice I gave here, even if it's just one line. Growing mental strength takes a lot of patience and effort and I'm glad I haven't given up.
#fearofabandoment #ghosting #loneliness #ignoring
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