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No Matter How Hard I Try, I Will Never Be Good Enough.

No Matter How Hard I Try, I Will Never Be Good Enough.

I have never been quite good enough; not for my friends, not for my family, not for society. I have never been as brilliant, or as tall, or as handsome as my brothers. I have never been as pretty, or stylish, or outgoing as my friends, or as intelligent and hardworking as my parents. I am just not good at anything.

When I was younger, the only thing that I wanted, was to be better than my older brother. He was my role model, and I just wanted to prove to my parents that I was worthy of being their child, that I deserved their attention, but I was never better than my brother, no matter how hard I tried.
For as long as I can remember, I have copied my older brother in every aspect possible. I used to have the same style glasses as him, I dressed the same, and I took up his hobbies. In 6th grade Science Class, my brother built a record-breaking mousetrap car. It moved faster and farther than anyone else's car had, and I just knew that I was going to beat him this time. 3 years passed, and I entered 6th grade. I used his basic design and managed to build a car that went farther than his, but my father had helped me build the car, and it didn't feel like I had done anything. 8th grade, my brother built a bridge out of notecards that again, blew the competition away. I copied his design again, and beat him, but copying his design didn't give the same gratification. I joined the same Math Olympiad team that he had been on, and only placed 16th, while he had placed 4th. I noticed he had more friends than me, and as more popular, but no matter how hard I tried, I was still the ugly little awkward girl that no one wanted to talk to. High school came, and I copied my brother's class schedule exactly, including a class called European History. My brother had flown through this class with a solid 103 percent, but I was struggling along, studying night after night for hours just to get a 91. One day while I was studying, my father walked past and said proudly, "Joe studies way less than I ever did," then with a disappointed sigh, "You study more." I felt so very, very stupid in that moment, even though that was the only class I had ever needed to study for. That was also the first time my parents told me they thought my brother was smarter than me.

My siblings have always been better than me. My older brother Joe is smart, funny, athletic, and has a successful career. He and my Dad are really close and share a lot of common interests like airplanes, cars, and engineering projects. No matter how I tried to fit in with them, I just never had a great interest in flying or driving and was never able to bond well with my father. My younger brother Will is a B student in high school, but he is popular and funny and was quite the Momma's boy when he was younger. He has an especially close relationship with my Mom and a fine relationship with my Dad, while I have no family member I'm really close with. I tried to bond with my aunts and uncle, but they just seemed to have better people to talk with, and grew distant from my immediate family.

My appearance is another weak point for me. I have a wide nose, small chin, small eyes, and huge ears. My legs are thin, but still disproportionately large compared to my upper body, which looks like a 12 year old's. I often find strangers looking up at my face, then glancing away quickly in embarrassment as they see I am looking at them. My parents are both average looking and my brothers are tall and handsome, so how exactly did I end up like this ugly little dwarf?

I don't think I will ever be better than my brothers. No matter how well I do, how many friends I have, how I dress, I will never be good enough.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Bye.

No Matter How Hard I Try, I Will Never Be Good Enough.
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