One of my best friends died on July 31th
I've never had anyone significant in my life die before. I have no idea what to do or how to grasp this concept. I am alternating between numbness and waves of emotion. Over the last year we have been in the transition of friends leaving to start school. With that and others moving away, he was one of my two "true" friends in the area. I don't think I've ever felt so empty as I do now.
Me and my other friend were the second group of people to arrive to the scene. The whole night seemed like a scene from a movie, it was surreal. I honestly have no idea what to do. I've been giving support to his family and assisting with all arrangements and doing what I can, but there is this knot in my stomach and throat that just won't leave. Everyone keeps telling me that they are here for me and will do anything they can to help, but there's nothing to be done. We were supposed to go on a trip in August.
Everything feels unreal, nothing looks the same, and my whole perception seems skewed. but how am I supposed to just go back to normal. I still have this feeling that he is going to call me Saturday night and we are going to hang out. Seeing everyone's reactions and old friends, I keep wanting to text him about what just happened, who I just saw, the crazy thing that is going on, but I can't. He's gone. Truly gone.
I saw his body and he looked normal, until you notice that his chest isn't going up and down. The smell of a dead body that has been lingering for 9+ hours. The thought of his last moments, knowing that his biggest fear was to die. He was one of the happiest people I've ever met. One of those people that will make your day better just seeing him. He wasn't into drugs or violence or anything bad; he was one of the most cautious people I've ever met. Yet he still dies at the age of 19, leaving me heart broken.
Fuck.
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