A thank you to my boyfriend's family

[tallandsweet]

I think I've talked enough about how negatively my family views the fact that I have a boyfriend, so instead of ranting more about that, I want to focus on more positive things, including the fact that my boyfriend's family has been so welcome.

My parents are very hospitable, friendly and open people (to those who they share a religion with), and I definitely didn't expect that from my boyfriend's family, but I was met with more positivity than I could've ever imagined.

My boyfriend was a little ashamed of his family and didn't tell me too much about them, which proved to be a challenge because they're a blended family - which means there are a lot of people that belong to his family.

I always knew that his brother was off and lacked very basic manners, we had always talked about that in detail. The situation between his brother and his family certainly got much, much worse throughout the last month, but they're handling it so well and aren't letting it impact how they treat me and my boyfriend. I only met my boyfriend's brother once and since it was such a negative experience and his behavior has only deteriorated since then, I didn't care to give him a second chance.

From the very beginning of when my boyfriend's family found out about me, they were eager to get to know me, always made sure to ask how I'm doing, what I'm up to and when I'll visit them.

When I first met his family, they were extremely nice and pleasant to be around. They gave us their bedroom so that we'd have a bigger space to sleep in, offered to cook for us, made sure I felt welcome and were really nice overall.

Despite the fact that I'm very complicated and annoying, they've been inviting me to go on holiday with them for more than half a year. My family didn't even want to let my boyfriend sleep in their house, so that made me think.

Both of his parents refer to me as their daughter and say that as long as their son is happy, they are too. I didn't expect that type of friendliness and kindness at all, but his parents have been extremely supportive whenever we asked them for help or mentioned that we're struggling with certain things.

For example, we mentioned that we were having a hard time finding a bed, so they discovered that they had a brand new, never opened bed frame laying around and offered to gift it to us. We haven't fully decided yet as it's a lot bigger than what we were looking for (a bit bigger than queen size), but we're definitely not people who say no to free stuff lol.

His parents also said that they're fine with us getting married, a thought that brings my parents a lot of discomfort. My parents aren't on board with him because they think he's some Turkish macho who will force me to stay at home with the kids.

Due to my autism, which, for me, means that I'm very sensitive to noises and smells, I won't be able to stay at home with kids if we have some. My boyfriend knows about that and we're fine with:

a) having kids but someone other than me staying at home

b) not having kids

c) adopting

d) fostering

I never understood why people break up over not being able to have kids together due to one partner being infertile. If either one of us is infertile, we'd celebrate the fact that I don't have to go through pregnancy to have a kid and offer to take a child in who would benefit from having loving parents, either through fostering or adopting the kid.

We don't have the pressure of "having to" create a grandchild for the family name to carry on (it's complete nonsense anyways and I don't think his family cares about it (mine definitely does), but even if they did, it's already taken care of luckily), so any of the options will work.

I'm terrified of my parents not accepting our kid if we decide to raise it in a non German speaking country, or, God forbid, in Germany. I'd like for us to move to another country entirely to have a complete reset where neither of us knows anyone and we can just start over. I know that his family would be able to stomach it and mine more or less already has, though they're probably expecting me to move back to Austria eventually.

Through all of this, my bofriend's family has been the constant I can count on and that's honestly a relief. They're the people who will support us no matter what and I'm eternally grateful for that.

[45Fstraight]

Thank you for this take! I am reading this from a mother's perspective.

My daughter has a boyfriend who I really like. I love his family too. Sadly, she feels more welcomed at their home than he feels in mine. She's my daughter and I love her, so as much as I like her boyfriend, my love for him is not unconditional like it is for my daughter.

I won't allow him to sleep over either! His parents want to take her on holiday too, but I'm not too crazy about the idea. His mother has already mentioned the word "wedding" to me which also made me cringe (because it seems like a lot of pressure of it's coming from the mother).

Anyhow, what can I do to be more welcoming and show that I DO like him and that I DO want him to be a part of our family?

[tallandsweet]

I'd say that it really depends on how old your daughter is.
I'm 19, my boyfriend is 18, which means that we can drink alcohol and we can drive a car. Under the law, we're considered fully matured adults, so that's how I personally expect to be treated.

I don't tell my parents anything about my boyfriend or his family because all they'd do is make him out to be the bad guy and criticise his family. Definitely DON'T say something bad about his family, but express your concern in a considerate way about his mother talking about getting married already. Write your daughter a note or a letter, but don't talk about it in front of her boyfriend.

I know that my boyfriend wouldn't be allowed to leep over if I was still living with my boyfriend, but honestly, it's a pity because we'd just have to do stuff behind my parent's backs if I still lived with them. Consider changing your mind about it, but only if your daughter is old enough to make good decisions and you trust her boyfriend not to force her to have sex the second they're alone.

Other than that, include him in your family activities: invite him to dinner, take him with you on a walk or hike, make it a point to include him in your daily life.
Create opportunities to get to know him better.
Don't be creepy about it, just slowly include him more and more and he'll appreciate it.

I think that will help him feel more welcome at your home.

Make sure that your daughter sees that you care about both her and her boyfriend's feelings. Address the fact that you want her boyfriend to feel more welcome to show that you care. I hope this helps...

[tallandsweet]

Above all else, in my honest experience, telling your kids that they musn't do something without stating all the reasons why it's not smart, it'll only create a stronger incentive to do it.
For example, I was always told that meeting guys online was bad because it's dangerous, but I was never presented with options (i. e. meeting guys in real life).

This was mainly my parent's fault because in their religion, you should only date to marry and you should only marry someone within their religion. They said themselves that there's no guy within a 200 miles radius suitable for me, so I started to look elsewhere.

I always knew that it was dangerous, and to be honest, I definitely made mistakes online. I found a really lovely guy, but still, it could've ended very differently too.

What I'm trying to say is this: if you don't explicitly tell your daughter why you don't want her boyfriend to sleep over, she'll want to do it even more. Be open and honest about your reasons. If she's above the age of consent where you live, tell her that the fact that she may have sex freaks you out because to you, she's still a little kid and you don't want her to make the same mistakes women before her have made. Then go into those mistakes and explain how she can avoid them.

[tallandsweet]

If she's below the age of consent, explain to her that no man should ever force himself onto her, especially if it isn't legal. Tell her that lawmakers have kids' best interests at heart when they decide on the legal age of consent and that having sex before being emotionally mature enough to stomach the experience may be traumatizing.
Consider explaining to her that no matter how mature she may feel now, you felt extremely mature at her age too (if that's the case), but that, looking back, you know you weren't.

Also, I simply cannot stress this enough - make sure to provide access to contraception for her. Get her condoms, that's the bare minimum. So many kids know way too little about contraception and how you can actually conceive, and I'm saying this as a European who had excellent sex education at school and at home.

[tallandsweet]

The reason I mentioned the whole contraception topic is that if she goes on holiday with his family, she's fairly likely to have sex with him there.
If this is what you're worried about, supply condoms, educate her about safe sex and about the fact that guys my age draw 99% of their knowledge of sex from porn. I think it's worth mentioning, as some friends of mine have stated that their boyfriends were incredibly rough the first time, so asking him to slow down is a good idea.

Leaving this issue aside, ask yourself why you don't want her to go on holiday with his family.
In our case, we went on a "practice holiday" on our own before even thinking about joining his family on holiday.
I think that it would be a good move to say that you would prefer it if her boyfriend joined your family on family vacation this year and that if this goes well, she'll be able to join his family on their vacation next time.
That's a reasonable suggestion and you have control over the situation.

If this is not possible and you're really against the idea of her going on holiday with his family, tell her she can't go (but provide solid reasons) and give her a counter offer, something small to show that you don't hate him or his family.

[tallandsweet]

I'm really sorry for making this so long, but I feel like it really boils down to how old your daughter is.

I don't tell my family anything anymore because I know they'd react horribly to it. My boyfriend's dad is quite religious, his mom isn't as religious as him but still holds some traditions and values high.
Still, us kissing in front of them and sleeping over together (i. e. in the same room) has never been a problem for them.
I personally think this is due to the fact that they know that my boyfriend is a very responsible and reserved person. The fact that he introduced me to his family means that he likes me a lot (they understood this), so they respect him enough to make his own choices in our relationship and hardly ever interfere.

I have to say that my parents were right for not trusting me, but at the same time, if they had given me more freedom, I wouldn't have resorted to going behind their back.

[45Fstraight]

Thank you for the great reply! My daughter and her boyfriend are both 18 and both come from similar backgrounds. Boys' parents are usually a lot more relaxed than girls' parents. It seems unfair (I know because I was also a young girl with traditional parents). But the reality is that if there was a breakup, boys leave with a sense of pride and girls are left with shame or at the very least knowing they have something they shouldn't talk about.

I will try to find more family activities to invite him to. He comes for dinner, but he only eats 2 foods and it always winds up awkward for the rest of my family (you can imagine a boy at the family table with an empty plate refusing everything that is passed to him).

I'm definitely going to reread your replies and try your suggestions. I love my daughter and I really believe she has a good guy with a great family. Thank you for your help! ❤

[tallandsweet]

You're totally right, if they break up (which they're very likely to), the guy usually walks away with his head high and the girl is ashamed for some strange reason.
I think it's justified to be more protective of girls, but I really appreciate that my boyfriend's parents (mainly his mom) raised him to respect women - I feel as though if all men were raised to just do that, there wouldn't be the need to be more protective of girls.

I absolutely hate eating foods that neither me nor my family have prepared, and for the first two months, I didn't eat anything my boyfriend's parents had prepared. We'd always order takeaway or I'd make something for myself. I have a background with eating disorders, I just know that it's too difficult for me to eat in front of people I barely know.
It's awkward.
I know it's hard to accept, I know that his mom is pretty offended at my sheer inability to at least try what she cooked, but just don't force it and make him the food he likes. Going that extra mile will pay off with your relationship with your daughter for sure.

[tallandsweet]

My boyfriend is really picky too and it somewhat hurts me when I see him eat almost anything his mom prepares but refuses to eat what I cook for us.
We've made a list of food we like and food we don't like, from that, we make a grocery list, go shopping together and cook foods we both like or we just cook 2 different things.

Maybe get her boyfriend to tell you in writing what foods he doesn't like, that could help...
Picky teenage boys definitely aren't rare to find...

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Thank you for this write up! Im glad I am not the only one experiencing/thinking this! I have cut my parents out many times and always seem to do be better I dont have autism but I have seizures also triggered by lights and sounds but always feel guilty and let them back in again. My boyfriend family sounds the same as yours.. I was loved right off the bat... my presences meant something... I didn't have to earn their love.. I am thankful I have his mom I can depend on she's what I think a mom should be like.. his dad lives 5 hours away and with restrictions we haven't seen him and Jane in awhile.. he's carefree joking happy all very down to earth.. such a pleasure to be apart of such a great family.. on my Christmas gift his mom wrote love mom... I was trying to not cry tears of joy!! My parents emailed my man and I $100 each and said Merry Christmas... being apart of his family is the best thing that has ever happened to me besides our animals! I am thankful someone else can relate cause I have felt absolutely horrible about loving his parents especially his mom more than mine! there's also no yelling at his place at all, no one telling me what to do or what I should do or say... I can just be its such a gift!

[tallandsweet]

I have to say that it's such a blessing when you find a second home, a place you can actually call home.
While I do have my issues with his family, they have been supportive and have tried their best to show unconditional love to me.

Through this experience, I realized that this is exactly how I will treat my kids' partners, regardless of how I feel about them (unless there are actual issues with their personality, red flags etc), because supporting your kid's partner is about loving your kid. It's as simple as that.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Thats exactly right! Couldnt have said it better myself!!

[monkeynutts]

It’s good to have family around you that support you and care. Sometimes it’s inconsistency or hypocrisy of our on blood relatives that demonstrates family can be your local retail store manager, or someone who you meet threw a sporting or any other kind of recreational event, not all religions people are judgmental, many churches are very welcoming.

[tallandsweet]

Exactly, blood relatives don't have to be your family!

[boombastik]

Believe it or not this is what normal parents do. Hard to wrap my head around the fact that your parents are religious. Sounds like they should study God's laws. You shouldn't impose your will on another human being.

[tallandsweet]

Couldn't agree more.

[boombastik]

I guess we don't realize how good we have it sometimes. That's a great profile pic by the way lol

[tallandsweet]

Thanks! It encourages me to smile more haha :D

[NoLookingAtSoleil]

As long as you won't get dumped later (esp after you have a child)

Some families sabotage their own children, some the children of others, and some just don't.

(I don't have a her, nor a her with a decent family, so can't say I am grateful myself - but I have seen/met people who are)

[exitseven]

You have a very mature outlook on life. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you.

[moviedude714]

I have autism as well, how did you and him first meet?

[Avicenna]

We're happy for you. Thanks for the update.

[Massageman]

Sounds like a good match on many counts.

[Sketti2021]

Nice 👏👏👏