Relationships

More than family

More than family.


I had this friend, let's call her HM, who was my best friend's sister, let's call him SM. I used to see HM occasionally whenever I visited or saw SM since 2004. Since then, I started to see her and interact with her more often, however, still rarely. 7 or 8 years ago she started talking to me on Facebook every once in a while, with matters pertaining to her brother's wellbeing whenever he'd get into trouble or get sick, and I'd always reassure her and try to make her feel better because her brother was a bit distant from his family at the time. Sometimes we'd talk about other things such as our views on life, and she'd try to often grill me about her brother's bad habits and I would play dumb, or be secretive and elusive about it to keep SM's secrets safe from his family and keep him out of trouble with them - he was smoking weed at the time and he rarely saw or talked to his family - But I always reassured HM that I would take care of SM, which I really did. Once he got in trouble when we were traveling (got arrested for speeding), and she knew from him because he had told her about it. She was worried sick, and she kept asking me if SM was okay and begging me to take care of him, which I totally did and was going to do anyway; as he was my best friend at the time. We kept talking over the years on Facebook, and I would occasionally see her with her brother and exchange hellos and nothing more, however, our friendship has started growing significantly after that latest event with her brother.


I always saw her as my friend's sister, like a sibling, and I didn't really know or care how she saw me at the time, as I thought I was in love with someone else, I even made HM help set me up with that crush, let's call her SB, because I only thought of her as a friend, and HM had also agreed to and had helped me a lot. At 2013, since HM had agreed to help me with my crush's situation, our friendship has grown much more, with us exchanging more information about each other, also we started hanging out with each other as she introduced me to her best friends. Later I learned that she was trying to fix me up with one of them, as I had doubted it and asked her about it later, but this was before me asking her to help with the other girl whom I had a crush on, and since then, HM didn't bring it up.


Anyway, our friendship was really solid, and we started growing it that I even stayed at her and her friends' place when we were travelling at the same time, we even shared the same bed once, however, totally platonically where nothing happened at all, we just fell asleep together. I and HM were at a level of friendship where she had replaced her brother as my best friend, I didn't see or hear from her brother as much; as he was away at another country at the time. I had been heartbroken about me failing to get into a relationship with that crush, SB, that HM was helping me with, I would complain to HM about it, and she would always give me advice and try to cheer me up; telling me to forget about SB, and that I deserve someone who will recognize how much of a great person I am. I was devastated at the time, and I tried confronting SB, and telling her of my feelings, but then SB had rejected me in a very bad way; telling me that she doesn't like me back and that she never will. HM had been also involved with someone at the time, as she was getting over her past heartbreaks, and I would often try to ease her pain, by talking to her about it, however, as little as I could in order not to make her feel bad by remembering bad memories.


After I had my heartbroken, and HM had also been struggling with her current relationships as she was not getting appreciated as she should be from those other guys, during a night of exchanging our deepest feelings, thoughts, and fears, I began to feel this strange feeling crawling up my heart, as I had an epiphany as HM was crying from her latest heartbreak and I was comforting her. I realized that I love her, that I should be with her, and that we already had loved each other, unfortunately, however, in a totally platonic way that we had family-zoned each other. I began feeling this extreme regret and shame after realizing it, for not trying to be with this amazing person whom was wronged by others, whom is my best friend and companion. My love for her was real, unlike a crush or a fantasy, I really felt it this time, but unfortunately, she was emotionally unavailable.


My extreme regret and shame had let me want to proclaim my newfound love for her, so I decided to tell her, however, I was extremely fearful of getting rejected in a bad way like before with my previous crush, that I had to ask her brother for advice, and had wrote her a letter, describing what and how I felt about her, and that I wanted her to be happy no matter what, and how sorry I am that didn’t realize that I should have been with her before, that she was my soulmate and the only one for me.


I talked to her brother, SM, and he had told me his honest opinion that it’s bad to have fallen this hard for HM, as she was emotionally unavailable, and it would be best if I forget about it, but he also agreed that he doesn’t feel the same way about people, and that I should tell either tell HM right away or bury those feelings forever, because he cannot keep such a secret from his sister for long. I was so much in need to tell her, as I decided it was the honest and proper thing to do, so I gave him the letter and told him to tell her that I will keep a distance from her as well; as we both agreed that it was the best way to tell her without her freaking out.


HM, has responded after knowing my feelings towards her with the sweetest rejection ever, sending me a lengthy text message, telling me of how much I meant to her, that she never wants to lose me, and that I was probably confused about my feelings for her, that it happens when two people get close to each other, and that she still loves me unconditionally like she always told me, but I will always be her family, nothing more because it would feel to her like incest. I was overcome with thankfulness from her kind message, but also devastation. I replied back to her with a message telling her that I don't want anything from her in return, that I will always love her no matter what, and that I can always at least be her family, and that she is more than family to me now, but I will love her always, regardless of what or whom she chooses, imploring her not to let anyone take her for granted. She then replied that she thinks that I am a great guy who will meet someone whom is perfect for me, that any girl will be lucky to be with someone who's just half the great guy that I am if she could, and that she will understand if I still want to keep a distance for a while if I want, that she will miss me and will be waiting for me to get back, so that everything will be the same as it was before.


I am in love with her with my very soul, as I cannot feel anything now but utter hurt and heartbreak. I am willing to do anything to try and win her as my partner in life, not just a wife. I am ready to marry her this moment, even though I have never said that to her. I am really not confused because I have pondered this for a long time before confessing all of this to her. I really am filled with sorrow and despair. Please help me. I implore you.

More than family
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