Describing this further, did any one of your parents or stepparents yelled at you constantly or made you feel scared, growing up in the household?
I have - a stepdad, a "man" my mom married because he apparently gives good dick. He doesn't know how to treat children right, let alone speak to them. He still doesn't now.
As little as 5-years-old, I am a victim of his verbal abuse. He would yell, call me retarded, forget about me and focus on his own, then, two kids. I'm the oldest out of three of his and my mom's offsprings. He would buy the two toys, and I am over here, still a kid (like 8-years-old kid) and he's telling me that I'm too old for toys. He never buys me anything, but his own kids. Apart from that, he rages and starts talking to me like I'm a teenager. One time, he told me that I can't go to sleep until I find his tools. Since I'm the oldest, I was held responsible for taking his tools. I didn't even know what tools looked like. I was only 6 or 7. Mom came home from work at 11pm, so I thought, since she's now home, It's safe for me to go to sleep. I was wrong. He brought that belt to my butt while I was sleeping, scaring me awake. He told me to find his tools. Mom was the one who put his tools in a safe place, out of reach for children. I had nothing to do with his tools. Never had. They wouldn't have been interesting to me even if I found them, so there would not be a reason for me to play with them.
All of his raging and outbursts made me wary of other men and boys my age. I was scared as shit to even be in a boy's presence at school. Then there was that one cool ass teacher in school who got me out of my comfort zone when I'm around him, though not completely. I would talk to that teacher, but I was still shy around people in general. I've always felt comfortable around other women and girls my age. My auntie is nice to me and even now, lectures me whenever I didn't do what she asked or what she expected me to do. When she lectures, her voice doesn't rise, she will lecture you like she's getting onto you - it's like she's fussing at you, but not yelling or screaming at you. Every lecture has a bold font with medium, almost small letters.
Now, It depends. Whenever when I am around other males, I sometimes try to analyze their vibe and sometimes I won't think nothing of it. The stepdad verbal abuses his own children as well, right when they got into their two-digits, is when both of his children becomes his victims. He called his 13yo daughter a bitch five times right in my mother's presence. He called her all of these slurs. Yes, she does acts like a hoe, but you don't tell a child that, let alone call them a slur. But I do not want to talk about my half-siblings because they already give me a hard time. I've been mistreated by the 13yo every since we were children; I was 12 when she started looking down on me. It gets worse every fucking year. The little 12yo brother as well. He's like a miniature of his dad.
Growing up in a household with that fucked up being has really taken a toll on my self-esteem to the point whenever he starts some shit with me (which is becoming rare), I talk back. I'm not comfortable with myself swearing, but when someone has really ticked me off, that's when it comes out and I mean every word of it. Recently, the bastard said that my 13yo sister gets her mental health from me, she gets her OD from me, she went to a mental facility because I went to some of them. I know all of this is not true, but I was having really disturbing thoughts that day that did not involve suicide. I walked to my aunt's house to get away from him.
I was 16 when I started talking back to him. I was shy saying what I felt, then I turned 17 and didn't care if he harms me when I talk back. And I feel honored that I encouraged my two siblings to talk back to him as well. If he was any other adult, I would tell them to shut up, but this being, is no exception. When I tell you that they talked back to him and said that they wished that he wasn't their father, I mean he literally shut up, put the belt down and sat down. I didn't see his facial reaction, though. But I knew he was saying more fucked up shit in his head. I don't have any respect for him.
Two days ago, he was ranting about how he doesn't have any insurance to get some kind of treatment. I thought that this was his own delusion that he has some illness or that it's true. I gave my mom advice, which she didn't ask for, but I told her that if he can't treat whatever illness he has, and if it's a chronic illness, and is not with Medicaid or Medicare, just not worry about the treatment; if you can't afford the hospital bills and treatment, then don't worry about it.
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