The Classic Sibling Duo: Were Our Personalities Really That Different From Each Other Naturally?

[Anonymous]

My brother has always been the polar opposite of me in everything. I've always been the kind and easy one, and he's always been the terror.

The lovely easy me: The really well behaved one who never did anything wrong, and was the envy of the other parents. I was also a fair amount of a pushover, most especially with my family. In public, I was quite shy until I got older, and it took me years to start even speaking in a loud voice, let alone ever yelling anything.

My terrible, terrible, older brother: Arguing with and insulting our parents from day one. He was willing to destroy other people's boundaries at the drop of a hat. A hardcore socialite from birth. Yelling and talking to everyone he would do as often as he breathed (and still does).

That's actually a really common dynamic I see with other families and their kids too; one kid is super social and acts like a monster, and the other sibling is the polar opposite, and usually way more quieter and easier to handle...

Our parents, and other people have always said this was because we all were just different from each other naturally. It was just due to having extremely different personalties.

I don't believe that anymore at all. And I don't think it's a good or healthy thing either.

Especially after reading the new comments on my
MyTake: Why I Should Never Have Listened To Crazy People Or My Parents About Being Rebellious

I don't think my brother and I have extremely different personalities! I've thought about it a lot, and I think the real truth is that our parents forced us to have different traits by how they treated us when we were toddlers.

To make a long story short:

Since my brother was their firstborn, our parents were so excited to finally have a child that they gave him pretty much whatever he wanted, and complimented him nonstop.

My mom told me that by the time he hit toddler age, he was a nightmare. Even past the age of 2-3, my brother acted terribly; he was extremely self-centered, insulted everyone, and he even got kicked out of daycare for destroying things (the provider wanted him gone so badly, she gave our parents a full refund just so they would promise to never come back). To this day, he's one of the most self-centered people I've ever met.

When I was born, my brother was 4 going on 5 years old, so my parents had already dealt with years of his terrible behavior.

So with me, my mom (as she proudly told me years later) decided to treat me the exact opposite of how she treated my older brother; she never gave me anything I wanted, barely responded to me when I tried to ask for things, and ignored me when I cried (she was HUGE fan of the cry it out/timeout thing they had back then)...

So, where's the problem? I was the well-behaved one and this was obviously due to my mom treating me differently. What's so bad about that?

BECAUSE our parents made two people who would self-sabotage themselves!

One with a superiority complex, and one with an inferiority complex.

In other words, the personalities we've had all of our lives, were never our natural ones!

Long story short again:

My brother has had MANY issues with dealing with people. Boundaries and starting many, many, verbal fights just to name a few.

In my case, all the way from Pre-K - the middle of elementary school I was so shy I could hardly make friends, and I had a really hard time standing up for myself.

Our parents always said that I grew out of my shyness....and that my brother was....just himself.

NO: I think the REAL truth, is that our mother and father had a GIGANTIC impact on the both of us, to the point where they really changed our personalities.

We both had so many issues with people! Think about it:

WHY would a natural personality trait cause the person to sabotage themselves or their relationships with other people?!

However, parents giving in to one child for whatever the reason, and then being terrified of making the same mistake again with the other child, and so decide to act extra strict and careful with them, sounds like a really common scenario to me.

For the record, neither of us has ever touched drugs or alchohol. We've never been diagnosed with personality disorders either.

To sum everything up:

My brother was the one who was spoiled. He grew up very quickly to be the kid that never respected other people and didn't care about anyone else's feelings, was a huge socialite, and rarely felt guilty about anything.

I was never spoiled and essentially felt really ignored by our parents. I grew up to be the kid that had a hard time getting people to notice me, wanted to be alone and away from other kids until I hit double digits (I hate being alone now) and felt really guilty for the littlest thing at the drop of a hat.

So, did we both honestly act that way due to natural traits? Or, did we act in the way that we had adapted to?

[Hidden_P]

I'm not sure this fully works. I do understand what you're saying, but I'm not sure it's correct.

Take my family.

Brother 1. The oldest.
Like your brother, he was treated as fragile and precious. Parents did stuff by the book at first. Fed him that crap bottled food, all that jazz. And he was an asshole. Disobedient, etc etc. Like your brother. This brother took ages to walk and talk and was the focus of attention. Until his little brother was born. Nowadays, he's business like and approachable, but can still act like a 2 year old. Ex military and navy.

Brother 2. The comical middle one.
My parents learnt that the food tasted like crap with my oldest brother and instead of any bottled stuff, they blended their own food down into a paste and fed this brother and the rest of us like this. Go to bed with a full, warm meal. Happy, fat baby sleeps through the night. This brother had more sleep. He was quiet and a world of enigneering - taking things apart and putting them together again. This brother took 2 years to talk. He's a big joker and he's very decisive. Ex military and to the point.

Brother 3. The kind hearted middle one.
This brother was disabled. He had a crooked spine, and he had a rare genetic problem with his eyes that meant his pupils didn't stay still, they flickered back and forth. So he couldn't focus on things. He was very intelligent, he taught himself to read from Sesame Street. He was showered with love and affection because of his problems. But he was a kind, sweet natured boy who loved everyone and lit up the room. He was 4 years 10 months old when he died, my mum was 4 months pregnant with me. He would rub my mums tummy and say "I can't wait to meet my little sister".

Brother 4. The autistic middle one.
This one again was given a life of love and affection. Him and his brothers would play fight. This one has autism so his problems were different. He was best friends with brother 3. He's very logical and intelligent but very socially awkward

[Hidden_P]

And then there's me. Sister 1, child 5.
I'm a social butterfly. My brother passed when my mum was pregnant with me so I didn't have the same upbringing. My mother was grieving, she would try and suffocate me and she would lock me in rooms when I cried for my nappy to be changed or if I was hungry. I learnt not to cry. Im independent and people wonder why. I'm a joker like my brother and I'm sensible and down to earth (which none of the others are).

We all had almost the same upbringing. Same parents. But we all have massively different personalities.

So, if it was down to the upbringing, how come we're all different? This is where I think you're thoughts are flawed.

Yes it makes a difference and yes it shouldn't be disregarded. But your true personality shines through. Your parents didn't force to you keep quiet, you grew up happy in your own world and stayed there. In a situation like the one I've described, from your thought patter we should all be very similar. And we're not.

[dwaunm]

When you have sibling dynamics. You have the older brother, by birthright who is the most coveted and protected and protective of their siblings and families, that's how it is. Second born, usually screws up the first opportunities to speak up, when there is a problem with family and authorities, that was and still usually is my problem. But to a certain extent I think. Challenging authority is the reason why, you have less issues with teachers, because although, you can listen to them, tell you what to do and you usually do it, you don't need constant harassment and wild accusations throw your way, also, favoritism shoved in your face, I had a teacher from second to fifth grade, I had a crush on, but she was occasionally fickle and showed a lot of nepotism towards certain other students, but with me, she was more strict and I hated that, but we did have a secret bond, when she would take me home after school, from an after school program, (nothing was going on), she was just a mentor and would look out for me. She just couldn't show it in school, parents do the same, because they can't have an anarchy on their hands, so they have times, where you get their love equally, but respectively. To the fact, missed opportunities, middle children usually stay home until 35, soon this will all change soon and timing will be, better. So, will relationships.

[inamorata]

Sorry, but your assessment as to WHY you and your brother are the way you are can't be more off target.

I am you. I was always obedient, quiet and polite. I was always the shy girl, the gentle defenseless one. I get it all.
But I am also the firstborn. I'm the kid that was most protected, who was always the first to get to do anything expensive, adventurous. Always pampered and put on a pedestal.

The second kid was my first younger brother. He's a stereotypical genius who looks down on all that breathes. Pretty self contained and self isolating, being rather snobby about his choice in friends and choice in behavior. Never let himself be controlled by my mother fully, but actually agreed with them on how he should be.

The third kid is my youngest brother. My parents suffered with his ass since he could stand on 2 feet. He's a socialite. He's wild, aggressive. He is just like the sibling you describe.

And you know what the difference is between me and my brothers? One basic difference I see across the board, not just in my own family?

Gender.

Boys are wild. Stubborn. Like to challenge authority. They are the ones who will do the craziest shit despite what the teacher says the should do. They are the ones who don't seek approval all the time. They need acknowledgement, they need love, but approval, not as much.

With girls, even the "aggressive" ones are more in line. Girls do what they are told to do from the start. They need to be patted on the head much more and to get that, they will try to be as good as possible.

Lastly, I'm not sure, but maybe, had my father engaged more, he would be able to earn their obedience much easier. For some reason, boys with fathers as main disciplinarians seem to be much more disciplined.

PS. I love my brothers and we have a great relationship despite our different personalities. They both love me and protect me (even if it's from angry parents).

[myTake Owner]

I don't entirely agree on the gender part. Boys can be animals, but as I've realized how much of an impact my parents had on me, I think my real personality might be much more wild. I already love Anime (R rated), staying up late, and hate listening to my parents (I don't act like my brother, I just like to be independent). I actually LIKE quite a few aspects of rebelling, the safe ones at least. And I'm not shy anymore.

Also, my father was the main one who disciplined my brother, and he STILL acted more wildly.

Also, in you and your siblings case, it all actually sounds a little like my MyTake: You were super protected = acting shy, your brother is seen as a genius = him acting snobby, and the 3rd is the youngest which could = him needing more attention or not being as responsible for any consequences for acting crazy.

[inamorata]

And I think you're facing some issues in life, an identity crisis and trying to pin all your problems on them. Yes, on the inside all quet people feel like you do. I feel the same.
That doesn't make who we are now go away. And like you I came out of my shell as well.

That father discipline thing is just a common thing I saw. It could be confirmation bias.

I was not "super protected", I was just protected. Indulged and first for everything. But I had a tender personality all my life.
My brother is not seen as a genius, he is one. According to test at least. He had miles of maturity on all his peers at every stage of life.
My last brother actually got the most discipline, attention and effort from our parents. They put very little effort in me, but I WAS pampered. They needed to do very little for the middle one. The only thing he wanted were expensive parts to build machines. Our last brother was not obedient like me, nor self sustaining like the first brother. So you're wrong.

[myTake Owner]

Hmm... I still think that all falls in line with the MyTake though:

See? You only had a little bit of attention from them, despite being pampered which could = making it hard to get other people to notice you, since you weren't used to getting a lot of attention, similar to me.

xD That's what I meant; people treat him like the genius he is which could = being above the other kids, which it means he would act snobby and isolating.

My older brother also had way more discipline from both of our parents, and I think that's what incited him to act even more terribly; he really, really, thrived off of attention from people, negative or positive.

[inamorata]

I did get attention. Plenty. That's what pampering means. I only had to get very little discipline.
I have your personality, but I was not treated like you while raised. I could easily get my parents' attention.

Alright, I mention my first brother to point out my two brothers are different, but equally rebel and pull away from our parents unlike me who always listened.
How he was seen did NOT determine his personality. How he is did. He had 20 IQ points on every kid around. He was not interested in them. That's why he was snobby. Because he had a reason to be.

My second brother is not an attention whore. Maybe yours is I don't know.
But my brother was always wild and rebellious. He never obeyed, he did his own thing as soon as mom looked away.
Also, if our brother got so much attention, why did you claim your parents being hard on you made you quiet, while being lax on him made him wild? Obviously they weren't easy and ignoring with your brother that made him demand attention.

[inamorata]

I really think this is innate. It's not your parents' parenting alone that made you extremely sensitive to every little guilt. If your brother was in your shoes, with his little-boy brain, he wouldn't give a shit.
Your parents shaped you, but they also responded to what you already had in you innately.

And I'm sorry, but little boys tend to not give a shit. It's kinda their signature move.
Who you are is not just what your environment did to you, it's also the hand you were dealt and the choices you made. And us girls tend to end up with this wimpy hand.

[myTake Owner]

Oh! I actually just scanned over your pic; so you're a Daddy's Girl? xD That explains everything then. I think you were shy mostly because you wanted to keep the attention from your dad, and didn't want to displease him by being social with other people.

And maybe because your parents encouraged him to act snobby? Being smart doesn't have to mean not interacting with other kids!

Yes, my brother is an attention whore to the core!

What I meant was that when we were little, they gave him tons of attention that really boosted his ego and made him think he deserved more than everyone else.

In my case, they gave me less attention, which made it hard for me to understand that other people wanted to notice me and give me attention until I hit double digits, so I was shy up until then.

[inamorata]

"Oh! I actually just scanned over your pic; so you're a Daddy's Girl? xD That explains everything then. I think you were shy mostly because you wanted to keep the attention from your dad, and didn't want to displease him by being social with other people."
Please don't try to psychoanalyse me. You can't. -_-
I picked the title because I love my family and I identify with way too many of the titles offered. I thought it sounded cute, that's all.

"And maybe because your parents encouraged him to act snobby? Being smart doesn't have to mean not interacting with other kids!"
My brother was never unpopular, or a loner. He just thought most people are stupid, shared very little common interest and was very choosy over his friends. He played soccer with the kids, they liked his company, but he only ever hung out with select few, seeing most of behavior of many others as idiotic waste of time.
When you see people like that, it's hard to "be one of them". You can be connected, but not belong.

[inamorata]

"What I meant was that when we were little, they gave him tons of attention that really boosted his ego and made him think he deserved more than everyone else.

In my case, they gave me less attention, which made it hard for me to understand that other people wanted to notice me and give me attention until I hit double digits, so I was shy up until then."

Alright.
But he asked for that attention. Innately, from the get go, he demanded it. And he got it.
You didn't.

Maybe that exacerbated his innate attention seeking and your innate shyness, but that doesn't mean those weren't there to begin with. Parents don't just act on their kids, they also react to them.

Until you were ten your parents payed more attention to your bro and that's why you were shy?
I have a cousin with a retarded, epileptic younger brother. He got ALL the attention and she is anything but shy.

I'm sorry, but to me it just sounds you're trying to pin some resentment on your parents. And I don't see it.

[myTake Owner]

Hmm... you tried to say I was having an identity crisis over the Internet, lol, so I agree that you can't analyze people over the Internet. But from what you described, I really think you and your siblings fit the MyTake to a T.

No, our parents conditioned him right from the beginning to expect the attention. They conditioned me to NOT expect it.

No, lol, what I said was that since I wasn't used to receiving much attention, it didn't occur to me until I hit double digits that people WANTED to hear my opinion and give me attention too.

[myTake Owner]

If you think about it, why would it be a natural or healthy to have traits that make it so that kids are not able to interact with other humans properly? Shyness. Isolation. Acting crazy. Those are all dysfunctional in one way or the other, and I believe that's because they stem from LEARNED behavior.

[inamorata]

Why would being unreasonable and illogical be beneficial? Like asociality it reduces chances for survival. So that means someone must have thought stupid people to be stupid?

Maybe, others would be to blame for someone's stupidity for not educating them enough, but there are capacities you are born with. Social intelligence is a part of that.

And I still don't see what your theory even is, let alone how we fit into it.
All I see is you blaming nurture for everything so you can blame your parents for your lack of social skill. =/

[myTake Owner]

That was my point! Kids can learn to have unhealthy traits. by the way, my social skills are fine now :p

[inamorata]

That was not your point. You did not want to hear of nature and claimed it's not who you are. It's what you were made into.

[inamorata]

And it's nice you improved your social skills. ^^

[myTake Owner]

xD thank you, I'm glad they're better too.

[inamorata]

xD You're adorable.

[Anonymous]

What is our natural personalities anyways? And how can parent's give their child a 'natural personality?'

I think what you said is extremely accurate. My brother and I grew up differently as well, even though our parent's treated both of us the same way. Since i was the first child, they were more strict with me. Strict and spoiled, but I didn't want my parent's to spoil me. I'm only 15 right now, but I can remember quite clearly how I hated how my parent's wanted to do things for me. I always wanted to do things myself even though it may end up in a mess. I'm a really shy girl outside of my home tbh.
My brother on the other hand, had me when he was younger. I think I spent more time with him then my parents when he was younger. I always played with him, danced with him, made him laugh, taught him what I learned since he was a young age. The first 8 years of his life were probably the best because I was a child at the time as well (We're four years apart). He is more extroverted than me because of this, and he academically, he also does better than me (for now) thanks to the boost I gave him when he was 3-5.

[TheReturnOfRae]

I'm very talkative. My sister is... Well... Not really quiet, but she "Grrs" a lot haha. We both are goofy, love video games, like to draw, and honor thy mother. She likes her dad. I dont care for mine. she's taller than me. Our skintones differ. Her hair is longer. Her eyes are prettier. I smile more than her. My grades are a bit better. I respect my mom. She has her fits daily. she's more girly. Im more tomboyish. I'm picky but eat some of everything. She only eats like fruit, chocolate, and meat. she's not really a fan of vegetables or noodles or anything. We're 6 years apart. She looks more like our mom. But i have my moms skintone.