My mom started dating my father's cousin. My father died 3 years ago this month. I don't even know how to handle this?

[smalls1995]

I feel that this is completely disrespectful to my father. Every time I think of my father I just think of him with his hurt expression. It sounds silly, but really, his cousin? And starting a relationship the month he died? I'm disgusted. Not only that, he has kids too and his wife died last year. She knows that none of her kids support this relationship. This past year she's been so selfish and she hasn't cared about what other people are feeling. I totally understand that she needs to be loved and happy as well, but I feel like she is going about it the wrong way. I would feel weird about it, but I would totally understand if she wanted to date people. I just feel like someone that is blood-related to me is so wrong. Not only that, him and my father were not on speaking terms before he died. They were close growing up, and then they had a falling out. He wouldn't tell my mother why they decided to stop talking. It just all sounds so sketchy to me. I know I sound selfish, but this is something I will never be okay with. I just don't know what to do.

[Red_Arrow]

As one who has lost a spouse to death, let me tell you a little. First, their is a period of grieving that varies in length for people. During that time their is no interest in dating or getting close to someone. After that length of time. you start to feel the emptiness of your situation and you need the comfort of someone who likes you. Your mom went three years "alone". Don't try to torture her by wanting her to stay alone.

Second, relatives that are not blood related, even distant ones, are often better candidates for dating and any further commitments. They are known to the family and are already related to the family other than the surviving spouse. And it is easier to relax with someone you already have known for years.

And another thin is that some religions expect a family member to step up and marry the widow. Not saying that has any bearing on your case, just that i is not considered unusual.

Relax. give her her happiness.

[kheserthorpe]

She's not blood related to him. If he has some similarities to your father, its probably not that shocking she'd find him attractive. And they're both widowers. And they know each other... this isn't that shocking. I'm sorry its awkward for you, but your mother can't be a perpetual mourning widow. You do sound selfish, though I'm sympathetic. In a sense you can always sort of leave that empty place for your dad, while you go on, date, try to build your own family. Your mother can't leave that vacant spot without flat out being alone. Don't expect her to.

Wish for them both to be happy. Sounds like they deserve some in their lives.

[InquisitiveMale]

I agree.

[rthomas43]

It could just be that I'm too young to understand the emotions they're experiencing and the pain they've been going through, but I just can't seem to find this situation okay.

[smalls1995]

Like I said, if she dated someone else that wasn't related to my father, I would understand. This is different. Him and my father don't have many similarities. I get that you think I'm selfish and that I should probably stay out of it, but this involves two of my family members and if I feel like this dishonors my father, I'm going to have a problem with it. There's no way around it. Plus I feel that it's extremely weird that he started to talking to us and visiting only after my father died. I hadn't met him before that.

[smalls1995]

Also, she liked him before his wife died.

[kheserthorpe]

I didn't comment, but the only thing i wonder about is why he and your father weren't talking. Given they weren't, its not odd he started visiting only after.

I don't think in general a cousin dating the widow is disrespectful. if i died, seriously, i'd rather my wife date some of my cousins than some random douchebag. Most of them are good men.

The falling out with your dad is odd. So why not ask him outright?

[kheserthorpe]

Course she did, but she probably didn't think anything about it (I'm guessing). But then he became a widow too, and they understand how each other feels better than almost anyone else...

[smalls1995]

Well, I don't think my mom would choose a random douchebag. Don't get me wrong, I really do want her to be happy. There's so many different factors on why I feel this is wrong. First, the whole cousin aspect. Secondly, the issues with him and my father. Third, their personalities. This guy is a really religious catholic. My mother is Jewish. Not only that, in this time of her life I know she just wants to have fun. She even said that. When she was with my dad I feel like she felt tied down and he was really dependent on her. I feel like she's just starting something else that's just going to make her feel tied down again and the reason she is going to him is because she doesn't know anything else. I understand the whole widow aspect, but there's so many other factors that I think will ultimately leave her unhappy.

[pipsani]

Please don't ask me about this -- I'm just keeping it short in detail because I don't want to talk about it completely, because it's triggering to my past. My father was killed when I was 12 -- right in front of my brother and me -- and only six weeks later my mother started dating the criminal that killed him, via prison letters and prison visits.

[SillyQuirks]

Do you believe in heaven and that that is where your father is?

[SillyQuirks]

... I am not being insensitive in this question. I am serious. With thoughtful reasoning.

[Anonymous]

If I died I would want my wife to be happy. If that meant marrying on of my relatives then she should do that. I don't see it as disrespectful at all. Even if I didn't like that relative.

The cousin most likely has a lot in common with your father. Which may have even been the reason why they didn't get along. Your mother isn't being selfish, who she dates is her business. It doesn't matter if you are ever going to be okay with it or not. Stop being selfish and standing in her way as she tries to find some happiness.

[InquisitiveMale]

Why are you not okay with this? Your mother has been alone for three years now and is raising kids on her own. She's found someone who likely mirrors many of her of her late husbands tenancies, someone who also has kids, and one of a very small pool of individuals who can sympathize with having lost a spouse and a parent to their children.

I think you're being inconsiderate and selfish. This is a perfect match on paper.

[smalls1995]

She's not raising any kids. We are all out of the house. When I lived with her I had my own job and she didn't need to go out of her way to raise me. I was pretty self sufficient. I get that you may think I'm selfish, but please look at it in my perspective. I'm not trying to be selfish. I'm thinking of my father. I'm thinking about how he would feel in this situation. The fact that they were not on speaking terms is also a factor.

[InquisitiveMale]

At the risk of sounding insensitive, I won't try to appear otherwise.

Your father isn't here to feel anything. All that remains is you, your mother, and your siblings.

You need to think of the living.

[heavensgift2girls]

He is right. You can't disrespect the dead.

[Anonymous]

That's pretty weird to be honest. Dating her deceased husband's cousin that he didn't even like? It's weird from his end too. Dating your dead cousin's widow? I wouldn't date any friend's or relative's ex, whether the friend/relative was dead or not.

There are billions of men and women in the world and they had to choose each other? That's messed up.

[jointhepatriarchy]

This is a complicated situation. One hand hand, I see why you would find it disturbing. You being related to him by blood isn't much of an issue since your mother isn't related to him. But the fact that him and your father were not on speaking terms makes it kind of taboo. On the other hand, if he recently lost his wife, maybe he's the only person who could truly relate to what your mother is going through. They're going to do what they want though, so you might as well learn to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

You think maybe your mom and uncle had an affair or something. He knew about it or he knew your uncle liked your mom and that brought them apart?

Now with your dad out of the picture he has no one to stop him. Plus your mom no longer has any obligation eg. your dad in the way to do what she wants/wanted.

That's my theory now... but I agree with you. That is a tough pill to swallow and go through.

[Joedog]

Life goes on and every person deserves some happiness! If they are happy, we should be happy for them! It is their lives and let them make the most of it!

[rthomas43]

The month that it happened is irrelevant. The fact that she's dating your dad's cousin is FUCKED.

[kheserthorpe]

I dont' find it remotely surprising.

[kheserthorpe]

It probably seemed fucked to me the first time i saw something similar. But it happens more often than just 'random'. I'm guessing you don't find it that odd she's dating after a few years... the cousin just... its not that strange. When I said 'similar' i don't just mean looks, though there's a hint of that, but values, intelligence, interests, whatever. People don't often date their exes family because it would be awkward, but widows? It happens. They stay involved with them, and... there is attraction... and there's not really any good reason not to move ahead with it.

[NovemberJoseph]

I find that really disrespectful. I wouldn't even talk to my mom anymore if she did that. I don't know what else to say.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to stop being such a thot. It's extremely disrespectful to your late father. Out of all the men in the world she gives it to his relatives.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your mom about how you feel?

[smalls1995]

We all have. She won't listen to me.

[Qwazihomo]

Thats fucked up