Do girls ever realize how much guys HATE the friend zone?

[Anonymous]

Many girls really want to avoid conflict a place guys that like them into the friend zone. This is perfectly fine if the guy isn't attracted to you. I got a close female friend that we are 100% platonic. We have shared beds before and even changed/showered next to each other. But we have zero interest in doing anything physical.

Then there are other girls who I have been attracted to but they are not interested in me. However since I'm a guy and not the greatest at picking up all the subtle rejection signals I am often lead on by their "niceness" thinking they do like me. One of the specifically told me "I like you" several times even after she got a boyfriend. I was really confused/frustrated about what she meant by that.

Why are girls thinking they are doing nice guys a favor by putting them in the friend zone? You are not helping them out, in fact quite the opposite. You are torturing them if you are leading them on. ESPECIALLY if you are an ex.

I don't expect to bang every girl I meet. But I notice a lot of girls will fake interest in a guy only cause 1) they are afraid they will get angry or 2) they want the attention or 3) they are using him to try to make some other guy they really like jealous 4) they want logical advice from a man 5) the most HEINOUS yet common reason: they are looking for freebie meals/dates...etc.

I have been in the reverse situation in a handful of times. I've met girls that I liked but felt no physical attraction to. In fact I tried dating 2 girls in the past because of their personalities. However I was politely honest that I wasn't interested in them physically. I stopped contacting them cause I felt like they deserve a guy who REALLY is attracted to them. I don't keep them around for my ego. I don't keep them around to complain about other girls (VERY RUDE if she likes me). I sure as hell don't take advantage of them financially. But girls love to have guy friends to complain to about guy problems. Again this perfectly fine, but if YOU KNOW he likes then shut it and move on. Straight nice guys lose out BIG TIME on this one every time.

[hisangel]

I think you are misunderstanding the friend zone to women.

I'm sure there are women that are selfish and want to torment men for their egos (like there are men that drag a girl a long who cares for him) but to a woman, the friend zone isn't a punishment. It's saying that she cares about you even if it's not in a romantic way.

Women are relationship creatures. We love talking and sharing with our friends. When a friend asks us out, we want the relationship to remain the same if we say no. We don't want to lose our best friend over it. From a woman's perspective, when a guy asks you out and you say no to him and you never see him again, it actually hurts you. It tells you that there was nothing good enough in you that he wanted as a friend, he just wanted the physical part. I have lost several guy friends who asked me out and I said no and it broke my heart when they never talked to me again. Granted I was young, but at the time I didn't understand "I will always be there for you" meant "I would love to always be there for you if this turns romantic but if this goes to crap, you will never see me again." So I opened up to those guys thinking they would always be there. It shattered me when they left. As I've gotten older I understand why. I couldn't do that either. But my desire to keep them as friends wasn't cause I was tossing them a bone. It was cause I still cared for them. I can't help who I love and don't but I still wanted them in my life.

I know guys hate hearing this but if a woman is remotely attractive she has probably had a fair amount of guys hit on her in her life. And most of them walk away after they do that. But when the best friend hits on you, as a woman, you don't expect him to walk away. Guys at bars leave when you turn them down, not your friend. Your friend is supposed to be there through thick and thin. So, I it is heartbreaking when you lose a friend over this.

Women want men to be friends not just lovers. So sometimes that gets all messed up and most of them really aren't trying to hurt the guy. We are just trying to keep something that is dear to us.

[elven_majik]

I have to definitely agree with what you wrote here.

[Asker]

That is one of the most well thought out, insightful answers I could have gotten from a woman. I hope their are more girls like you in the world.

If a guy is rejected by a woman he really likes (and knows well) he feels his first impulse is this was a personal failure. It is saying "you are not good enough to be my lover" and "I don't find you manly enough". Remember men are expected to be confident. Rejection leads to success. In case you haven't figured I was recently dumped and the

[Asker]

Girl tried to "keep me as a friend". She even texted me saying she missed talking to me. I just sent a :) in return, and nothing else. I was always good to this girl. I cared for her. I thought she was going to be an exception to the rule and would romantically appreciate the true me (who is a good guy) However I've left with the pieces thinking I made a huge mistake. We broke up twice. The 1st time she left me saying she was "insulted" and I was only after sex. I will admit I was

[Asker]

In the beginning, but later into the dating I started liking her more. During our first off phase she fell in love with someone else and that guy broke her heart. She automatically friend zoned me and felt comfortable talking about her feelings TOWARDS him. I wanted to vomit at the time. I take that as a huge disrespect because we never agreed to be just friends. But we started dating again. This time I was myself, a good guy (I hate the name "nice guy" btw). Didn't push sex, I was waiting

[Asker]

To do it when she was ready. Well lo and behold that didn't work out either. She jumped in a another relationship. I'm sitting her wondering "what went wrong?". I know I need to move on. Part of me wants to be friends with this girl, but another part of me feels disrespected and becoming a "friend" will only lower my self esteem further....especially if she is rude enough to bring up her boyfriend in conversations.

[hisangel]

"one of the most well thought out, insightful answers I could have gotten from a woman."

Thanks.

"I hope their are more girls like you in the world."

Me too or I'd start to feel like a freak! :P

About your girlfriend, I think you clearly mean a lot to her but I don't think she knows what she wants where it is safe enough for you to stay around her. Some women are so from moment to moment. And they never learn to control that kind of thing so they hurt the people around them.

[hisangel]

If she is doing that king of stuff to you, I imagine she does it to friends and family too. I don't think you should worry about what went wrong because I believe some women don't even know what they want. They don't want a guy to use them for sex but they don't want a guy to be just a "good guy". They want something in between but they don't know what that is. And they don't know how to tell a guy to get there. But they blame him if he isn't there.

[hisangel]

I understanding keeping a guy in the friend zone but I think once you have any romantic attachment to him he isn't in the friend zone anymore he is in a whole different place which he deserves a lot more respect. You don't tell him about other guys, you don't talk bad about him to others, and you treat him in a way where there is a respectful distance but you are there for him if he needs you. Anything more than that is crossing a line I believe.

[Asker]

Well I have been in the no contact phase for a while now. She's still with this other guy and definitely seems more into him. I'm trying to get over this, but this is really bothering me alot. I have only spoken to a handful of people about what I'm feeling. I don't have the luxury to announce my heartbreak publicly.

I wrote a letter that listed all my frustrations. I haven't given it to her but I'm contemplating if I should. Sure it will let her know she still has control. But it would

[Asker]

But realize the biggest thing is I have been "downgraded" to the friend zone. I did NOT start out as friends. That is why I am so upset. At least the 2nd time around she asked to be friends instead of assuming it after the first time we broke up.

The 2 biggest things that made me angry is: her talking about her ex boyfriend in detail and the fact we never went all the way (we fooled around) despite her telling me she was looking forward to it. I didn't want to get laid for the sake of my own

[Asker]

Satisfaction. I wanted to know if she accepted and respected me enough to do this. She doesn't.

[Asker]

My own satisfaction. I wanted to know she accepted and respected me after the effort I put into her. Of course I can't force her to have sex, I get that. But that was the ultimate rejection is she gave up for other guys, but not me. That's what I want to yell at her about. It won't change her mind but it would make me feel better.

[hisangel]

I think you should only send the letter if it will help you heal, not just make you feel better. "Feel better" just means we thought up a plan that we THINK will make us feel good & it never considers the fall out. "Heal" is doing something that we have to where the consequences have been thought out & we know they won't cause us more pain.

The problem with "feel better" is that we think it up in a controlled environment. Meaning in our heads we get to tell the person they are awful to us

[hisangel]

& they feel like crap just as much as we do In real life, there are things that happen that we don't think through. Like can she use this against you later to manipulate your emotions? Will she use it to make fun of you, like show it to the guy she is with? If it hurts her enough, can she use it as a tool to manipulate the other guy into hurting you?

A letter like that will only work if she is a kindhearted woman who wants to grow & change as a person. If she does, then that letter will

[hisangel]

Surely hurt her & make her see what she did to you. If she isn't, I think the letter will cause you more pain.

I know you didn't ask for my advice but I liked that you sent her a :) & left it at that.

[Asker]

I'm going to send you a link to the letter directly.

[JayRay]

Let me tell you a story.
I met this girl named Julia at a local park, I instantly was struck by how beautiful she was.
I met her later in middle school, she didn't remember me but remembered her. It took me till sophomore year to ask her out, she wanted me to tell her why i liked her and after an hour long conversation where i basically flattered her and she listened she told me she was in a relationship, which was a lie. She proceeded to have relationships with EVERY guy and some of the girls in our group of friends, both purely sexual and otherwise. Everyone liked to joke that I was the one they'd settle for after they've gone wild. It was the most destructive thing anyone ever said to me. It's not about hurting the girl nowadays when I dissappear after a rejection, its about preserving myself, because my "friends" sure as hell didn't care how I felt. So go ahead and call me a jerk when i leave because I've already been called far worse, "my stable marrying guy"

[Topia]

Yes I agree. If she isn't treating you right, as in, she knows how you feel and wasn't thoughful enough to realize your pain, you should a) tell her how you feel or b) just drop it all together.

The only thing that ever improves a relationship is communication and if it doesn't work it's not worth keeping. Since you're such a good person, I'm sure you'll find somebody who will appreciate you and find you attractive romantically. Otherwise, maybe you'll find somebody that'll eventually fall for you. relationships are very complicated.

I fell for this guy in grade 12 and it had been years since I fell for anybody. My new best friend was really close to this guy for the majority of high school and eventually they had a thing with each other. I ended up feeling jealous but we all still remained friends in the end and are close to each other still, three years after high school. All 3 of us are single but love each other as friends.

[Asker]

I wrote a letter that poured out all my frustrations about her and why she had done. I didn't send it to her, but it was relieving to do this. I posted another question on this site asking if I should send it to her or not. 3 out of 4 women said yes.

The prob is the letter will show how much I think about her and how much power she has. On one end I would be relieved to that she completely knew who I felt but on the other it would likely destroy anything that would happen in the future.

[Asker]

I have been in the no contact phase for 2 weeks. I text her to wish her happy bday and sent a funny onion video about a sexy firemen as bday gift to her fb email (although I defriended her). She wanted me to come see her with some friends and I declined (before that I haven't spoken for 2 weeks).

The thing is I got a funny feeling we are going to cross paths a 3rd time. I'm not going to repeat what happened earlier. In fact I would like to turn the tables. Dysfunctional huh?

[Topia]

Yes, dysfunctional to say the least. Either make it work or don't bother. If you just give mixed messages it'll build more resentment on both ends. If you really want her, give her the letter and tell her why you've been so hot and cold. Or, just start talking again and go with the flow. Everybody handles things differently.

[dwiller943]

Then why do guys go after girls that would obviously reject them?

[avksxx]

If you get friend zoned and you feel like you're being treated like a door mat, get up off the ground and stop letting her step on you. No one can enslave you without your consent.