Why don’t guys ever want to be “just friends”?

[jessicake]

I’ve heard some guys on here talking about how they mostly view women as romantic interests upon meeting, while most girls view guys as friends upon meeting. Why can’t guys just be okay with being friends with a woman, why does there always have to be some romantic interest involved?

Updates

+1 y

So basically guys only view a girl as a “friend” if they find her sexually attractive so that she can be eventually won over

[_Gentleman]

To be clear, there are several ladies I am friends with, and I am fine with being friends with some ladies.

However, if you are asking for the reason why men tend to search for romantic partners much more quickly and often than ladies, then I will answer you that: it's genetics.

Look at animals, for instance. The males seek out the females. It is their role, as it were, to win over a mate. The females, on the other hand, do not have this role. They do not seek out or win over; they see a male who wins them over, and they choose him.

In people it is quite similar, in fact. Men look for and attempt to "win over" ladies, therefore searching through many people as potential partners. However, ladies rarely do the same. They "choose" a man who already wants them (typically, of course).

This doesn't mean that men do not have any female friends. It just means, or seems to me to mean, that men are not looking for friends, they just find them. While ladies do not look for partners, they just find them. If that manages to make itself into sensical writing?

[Kurαȷ]

I can only speak for myself, but the main reasons are that:
1) I'm not looking for more "friends".
Everyone's time is finite, and there is only so much you can do with it.
A partner is one thing, yet another friend is a different matter entirely.

2) I have only bad experience with female friends.

3) Qualities that make a good friend automatically make a female seem attractive to me, and I don't want friends who I'm attracted to.

[wadeabeee]

Wrong. I want to be friends. My hormones will still make me want to fuck you if you offered, but I can control myself! I have women friends, and tbh I think it's harder to be a girls friend because everything a guy does that is nice they can assume we do to get in bed with them. Like bitch... I said you're beautiful because you are and I'm not saying it to be some physco playboy that broke your heart in high school. Legit every pretty girl is fucking suffering from an issue because if some trauma in the past. People can't do things just to do them... No they gotta have a reason.

[ichighost]

Sometimes. Girls I've met at work I've never really looked at like I want to smash. There has been the one or two from work but never pursued in such a manner nor have I still try to win them over after not working with them anymore. Girls from outside different scenario. She has the potential to open up new doors so why not see what those doors go and if she has a boyfriend then you're still the friend until she doesn't have a boyfriend then it leaves the option open to see if you can be more but I've also been in a situation where I've been de friend and there was a boyfriend and we were friends long enough for me to not want to pursue anything further. Not that it was my intention but that I seen it as an eventual option

[Miristheiss]

They can. Usually we are more apt to be just friends if we aren't attracted to you in any way. You can just be a pal. If he attracted to you than he'd probably be less content being a friend. He may make a move and if you reject him he'll not want to hang out with you all the time having feelings but it going no where. He'd be more apt to stop hanging out with you and use that energy to find someone who is interested in him. But he'd still be up for hanging out with the girl who he has no attraction to. She might just be "one of the guys" to him.

[emmily2396]

It was the opposite for me. There was a guy I viewed as a romantic interest and he knew it, yet he wanted to be just friends, but he didn't tell me from the beginning. We used to talk on a daily basis and we really got along. Then i found out the truth and he wouldn't understand why I was mad at him. He totally didn't understand why it's wrong to give someone false hope.
People should always make things clear from the beginning. I also made the mistake of viewing a guy as a friend. I didn't know he had a crush on me until he actually was in love with me... i felt like crap for not realizing it sooner.

[Frankenstein99]

Why can't women be ok with being thought of as unattractive? You don't like that do you? Well when you say i think of you as a friend that's the way it comes off to a guy
Life is one big competition when you're a guy. And women are just anther spoil of war. The joke of it is when it comes to women even when you win a lot of the time you still lose. lol
And before you get mad at me know i said most women, Not all women. I would say 9 out of 10 women aren't worth keeping

[jessicake]

So do you specifically just not value female friendship?

[Frankenstein99]

It's not that i don't value friendship with women. You're asking a guy to turn off their biology. It's akin to asking a women not to be nurturing. Generally speaking that's the way they're wired.
Like i said 9 out of 10 women aren't worth keeping. In other words i kind of put women into 2 categories, one of them with a sub category.
1st category women i have no physical attraction to. These woman i can be friends with because they are essentially dudes in my mind.
2nd category women i am attracted to physically. These women i want to F*** plain and simple Now that's divided into 2 subcategories 1. The ones i just want to F***. 2. the ones i want to F*** but they are such a good person to boot i want to know everything about them (These are the rare 1 in 10 women). These are the women you want long term relationships with these are the women you'd like to marry someday if it all works out.

[jessicake]

So basically you only want friendship with a girl you’ll never see as romantically or sexually desirable? Would you say that probably how most guys think too?

[Frankenstein99]

*** disclaimer on category 1*** One of the best women i ever met i put into the first category. I never found her attractive enough. but i liked her too much to want to just sleep with her. She even asked me out so i know she liked me. years down the road it dawned on me what a catch she was. Now i have to live with regret (she's married to a guy who saw her value). Andi fully admit i clearly didn't deserve her.

[ashleyb93]

there's a huge societal pressure on women to be attractive... there's not a societal pressure on men to not have female friends... and as a future tip women tend to find men who only see them as prizes to be won extremely unattractive so... maybe start there

[Frankenstein99]

@ashleyb93 lol right Ashley because being genuine friends has worked so well in the past (sarcasm if it's not obvious). I know you mean well but i also know you're completely wrong. Maybe some day i'll find a woman before i die (not likely) who likes me for me and genuinely finds the "me" attractive but till then i'll stick with what has been proven to work.

[ashleyb93]

I mean with how you talk it's no surprise you haven't had any luck...

[Frankenstein99]

@ashleyb93 Apparently you don't comprehend. Past tense! I didn't have any luck. I used to be friendly, a genuine guy and then i learned how much women despise that. Now i put on an act and i get them into bed. Is it the way i want to be? No, but it works. Do they really know me? No, but they don't want to either. They just want a guy that makes them fill desired and i provide that fantasy for them. Will me doing this ever result in anything lasting? most likely not. Do i want this? I'll accept it for the time being.
Anytime women decide to change ashley i will change along with it. They don't so i don't nobody is mad here ashley i just think the game is silly is all. And you women need to take responsibility for what you create that's all i'm saying. :)

[ashleyb93]

there's probably a reason you be only been able to attract women who just sleep around instead of a real relationship. Believe me... women dont need to change for you

[Frankenstein99]

@ashleyb93 I know they don't need to change that is my point. This conversation illustrates my point you can't tell women anything. they're much smarter than us. That's why all you need to do is tell them a few things they want to hear and they jump into bed with you. And why is that such a negative connotation anyhow? a woman who jumps into bed? She's just asserting herself as woman is she not? You have a problem with feminism?

[ashleyb93]

God my eyes can't roll back any further. I can't speak for all women but God you're probably one of the most cringe guys I've talked to. Super unattractive.

[Frankenstein99]

@ashleyb93 cringe, roll your eyes it doesn't matter. Your approval is not needed :)

[ashleyb93]

Good cuz you dont have it...

[jessicake]

yeah not gonna lie dude you’re giving me major incell r/niceguy vibes right now. Interesting that you take zero responsibility for how women treat you based on the front you put up. Of course they’re gonna treat a certain way if you act a certain way outright. Law of attraction. But that’s besides the point of my question.

[Sixgun77]

That hit the nail on the head. Being friends only works if the guy is not at all attracted to the girl and has zero romantic or sexual interest in her.

[Frankenstein99]

Jess you really think you should be casting stones? lol You women always make me laugh with your logic or lack thereof it's adorable when you try.

[ashleyb93]

And that's why you're gonna be single forever

[Frankenstein99]

@ashleyb93 two things. 1. Who said I'm single. 2. You're single. But yours is by choice right lmao.

[ashleyb93]

I'm married actually 😉 something you'll never be!

[Frankenstein99]

@ashleyb93 So you change your profile now. So were you lying before or are you lying now? Oh i see because i called you out on your singleness now you're hiding your shame. There's nothing to be ashamed of ashley i'm sure the right guy just hasn't come along and swept you off your feet babygirl. lol

[ashleyb93]

What are you even talking about I haven't even done anything to my profile lol you're just a delusional incel

[Frankenstein99]

@ashleyb93 ashley whatever you ry to project on me doesn't make it a reality. I fully admit that i'm single i never tried to hide that fact but you are now for some reason and it's kind of funny. You can't be that bad.

[ashleyb93]

I'm just curious why you think without a doubt that I'm not married lol I'm an anonymous person on the internet how could you possibly know my relationship status? Are you that desperate you have to convince yourself everyones just as pathetic and unlikable as you are? Lmfao talk about sad

[Edanurus]

There's a difference between being friends with a woman and "let's just be friends". The second one rarely works.

That being said most the friends I'm still in contact with are female. So I dunno. In your teen years I guess the hormones can make you think funny things.

[loveslongnails]

Your experience right now is primarily age based. Most all the guys you meet and know now are single-minded... sex. I say most, not all, and this is based on 1) my own recollections and experiences during that age and 2) the glut of similar talk on here and other sites. Guys will "befriend" you if they are attracted, but you're not, in the hopes you'll change your mind when they see how good a friend they are, too. This will change as you get older... but much older !!! LOL

[AllThatSweetJazz]

Because they're single, why wouldn't they?
They don't have the time, energy or charisma to be friends with everyone.

"Sexually attractive" is not exclusive from "friend," you may feel that way but that's not how it is. I don't see why it's a problem or why seeing everyone as a friend a better thing.

[taleswapper]

No. MEn don't really have a "friend zone", instead, they have a "taboo zone". These are the women who are off-limits for any number of reasons. Someone else's spouse, a sister or other blood relative, a friend's ex, etc. Different men draw those zones in different places.

Any other woman who makes herself sexually available is fair game.

[CT_CD]

Men and women typically do not connect to one another the way same-sex friends do. Men and women are genetically designed to bang each other. Not be friends. Men do not casually make friends with attractive women—they are either forced upon them (family, friend’s girlfriend, etc.), or there is a physical intent. Unless a woman looks like a wildebeest, all of her “guy friends” would probably bang her if given the chance.

[Sixgun77]

Friends of the opposite gender can easily place needles stress on a relationship.
In addition, there's no fun in spending time with someone you're really attracted to who isn't interested in you.
Plus we've already got friends, and we're looking for a girlfriend.

[4pple]

I have plenty of female friends, and can't even imagine having any sexual or romantic interaction with them just because I can only see them as friends. Some people are just too focused on sex that it takes over their life

[w0rldunder]

I have a few female friends, ofcourse I had a small interest in some of them, not in all of them. But with the ones I did have a small interest in, we just set boundaries at the start by clearly stating, only friends nothing more.

[MrBurke]

There's always romantic interest involved because that's natural male and female are the pairing that makes the baby's but I do have women who are just friends either from me putting them in the friend zone me being put in the friend zone or they were already taken

[Cask23]

Lets flip the question. Why do you want to be friends with a bunch of guys if you have no romantic interest in them? Do you like just having a bunch of guys around you to reaffirm your ego or sexual attractiveness?

[jessicake]

I have 2 guy friends, one straight and one gay. Recently I’ve been realizing how much value there is in to not just sticking to my kind and trying to see things from other points of view. Plus some can just be a lot of fun, who wouldn’t want to be friends with a fun person? I’m never going into a relationship asking myself “how can this person validate me?” I just genuinely want to get to know and be friends with another guy on a platonic level because I just generally platonic relationships more.

[4pple]

Probably for the same reason you have friends of the same gender. You get along, have common interests, can enjoy time together and do stuff together, having diffrent genitals shouldn't affect that

[Pamina]

That's not true at all. If that's really your experience so far, it has everything to do with the type of people you hang out with and nothing with them being men.

[ashleyb93]

Every guy friend I've ever had eventually started liking me. In fact I ended up marrying one of them so... I don't know I'm sure it's possible but I would say it's extremely unlikely.

[JSmuve]

I don't have a problem with being friends, though the girl will have to do most of the legwork on getting my number and hanging out because my attention will be more focused on girls that want something more.

[Unit1]

I gladly would if women just would like to. Seems like they don't go past the "acquintenance" level (or however it's spelled) in my real life experiences.

[jessicake]

You are 100% right because on both sides I think feelings are a lot to gamble if you don’t know what you’re getting into.

[Unit1]

Well, i just don't think so. I have the idea, that if women want to get into a relationship, then they'll find a way to do so, friends first or not.

But women as friends is a true rarity for me.

[HungLikeAHorsefly]

Not true! I'm "just friends" with a lesbian and a woman I don't find attractive _at_all_. It works out pretty well.

[ecfresh]

I have lots of female friends, I don't view them as someone to win over later. If a guy has a crush on a girl he doesn't want to be friend-zoned.

[SngBirdy]

I think guys are too attracted to girls to see them as friends.
If im not attracted to a girl, i can very well be her friend no problem

[up_64]

True. The only girls im "friends" which my mind treats as guys. aka no sexual attraction

[Krazzymike321]

I dunno, this is a very odd topic to cover... Because I have a low-key "crush" in all of my female friends... But I'd never act on them, I understand if they are just looking for friends though.

[Christos_bhi]

Believe it or not, most guys have sexually driven minds. So, if a guy if after a girl, in most cases you know what it is.

[ryryryan]

I'm only interested in girlfriends who I might want as lovers. But after getting to kno them the might turn into just a friend, that's cool.

[Lance1965]

You must be meeting the wrong guys. Most people I know are female and there is no sexual tension at all between us.

[nutnbutttuth]

I have many girlfriends. And it's fine. I just dont want to ruin the friendships with sex.

[DanOh2018]

If not romantic interest then definitely sexual tension.

[DanOh2018]

I don't think you arrived at the right conclusion. I think a better way to frame it is that most men don't want to invest time in a woman who isn't a potential partner unless they are really looking for friendship from the get go

[jessicake]

I think the thing I’m having trouble with is how when upon meeting someone of the opposite sex, for guys it tends to be “potential interest” right off the bat and not just “potential friend”

[jessicake]

In addition to the fact that if she is viewed as just a friend, it’s because she’s deemed “one of the guys” Why can’t guys be friends without diminishing her femininity?

[DanOh2018]

I think your just fishing for a reason to be offended. people like to fuck, it's healthy and natural, get over it.

I don't spend a ton of time looking for male friends either, I'd rather just work on fulfilling my needs and doing my day job than making friends with people of either gender.

[jessicake]

As much as I’d like to just “get over it” I genuinely do care and want to know how the male mind thinks because clearly I didn’t understand it as much as I think I did.

[DanOh2018]

I think you should try understanding the female mind first. For example the drive to soak up male attention without investing any real thought or consideration into their feelings.

[DanOh2018]

My point is that both genders have shitty base level behavior. Gotta make an effort to find friends with good self control, and to exercise some yourself. Want quality friends, offers quality friendship. What do you even want from male friends other than unreciprocated attention?

[Darkdayxx]

You can be friend for other reasons. Loving the same stuff, and doing the same stuff.
Having discussions for no reason and then laughing about it.
There is more then the sex. Thing

[Anonymous]

Probably the same reason why most of you don't even like each other...

[Anonymous]

I mean not usually romantic interest, usually a physical interest lmao

[TsubasaCorrupted]

I do. Most of my friends are female, and I don't view them in any sexual or romantic way.

[jirwin7979]

i want friends but iam way to open about the subject of sex and it ruins me

[Anonymous]

I was and am 'just friends' with several girls and adult women.

[Anonymous]

Because you can't go through life saying you have "just friends"

You'll sound stupid

YOU HAVE BOYFRIENDS

[Chaz269]

You're mistaken. Some guys do.

[caodog]

Why don't girls want to be "just friends"?

[NerdInDenial]

Guys have really nothing in common with women.

[ChloeStarfire]

Not all guys are like that

[up_64]

Because there is nothing in it for us.

[realworld2017]

Because we have guy friends or our hands for that.

[BellumEtPacem]

I don't know. I operate the opposite way.

[Piteka5]

Biological factors