Why did my sister stop being my friend?

[Anonymous]

When I was entering high school, I cam out to my younger sister as a lesbian. She was my best friend, & this was a secret that I felt I could only trust her (& my closest friend from school) with. Months later, I came out to my parents. My dad did not like the news, but remained kind to me. My mom did not like the news & became downright abusive. She printed articles saying that being gay is shameful, acted out sex scenes asking “is this what you really want?”, screamed at me constantly, vowed to take away the $ set aside for my college, etc. On top of this she asked my sister, my best friend, to completely stop talking to me. What hurt the most was that my sister did this without hesitation. My mom became very close with my sister, and increasingly mean to me. Eventually I realized that I liked men too, & my mom paid for my college. Things got better, but when I came home from college during breaks my mom was awful again. Just a very abusive home to come home to. My sister told me that mom only was like this when I was home. My sister became mean to me too (snippy remarks, always critical). I notice that whenever I accomplish something my sister either tries to tare me down or emphasize to my mom how she’s better. When my sister accomplishes anything I feel that I cheer her on.

For my student teaching year, I was offered positions in my home town (meaning living from home), or hours away from home (meaning getting an apartment). I explained to my mom that I didn’t want to live from home so badly that I would pay for the apartment. I said that living at home is hard because we don’t get along, that she is the one who makes it hard because I always wanted my mom to love me. My mom said I had to live from home no exceptions. Now I’m finding out that my sister told my mom not to allow me to live at home because I said “mean things” to my mom about not wanting to live at home. Why does my sister hate me now?

[BlueScorpio]

Sounds like they are not happy about you coming out. A lot parents still don't handle that type of news very well cause their hoping their kids grow up, marry the opposite sex, have children etc. So it sounds like you're mom is having a very hard time dealing with that, same with your dad but he's just not as vocal. It could be because of your mother and she's rubbing off on her and she doesn't want your mom to jump on her if she sees she supports that sort of thing. The best thing to do is, either try to talk to your mom privately about everything and if you can't work it out, then you might have to just accept that they don't accept it and possible distance yourself as much as you can to avoid altercations with your mom or sister.

[KitKnickKat]

That’s horrible. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You had mentioned that your sister is younger than you, how much younger? Sometimes depending on the age, older people can have an influence on them. Your mom doesn’t sound quite pleasant, maybe she promised your sister something she couldn’t refuse which resulted her to take her side. I’m not saying it’s right, but it could be a possibility.

[Asker]

Thank you for your feedback! My sister is 3 years younger than me. Another thing I didn’t mention in my post is that I later dated a Black man, which my mom (who is white) did not like. The Trayvon Martin case divided me and my mom very much because I felt Trayvon was innocent and my mom very much did not think this way

[Asker]

Growing up, my sister had predominantly white friends whereas I had a slightly more diverse friend group. My mom seemed to like her friends but dislike mine.

[Wobbleshope]

wow this is sad... did you calmly try talking to your mom or sister? you shouldn't be treated like that because of how you are.
Things will get better eventually, trust me.

[Asker]

I’ve tried in the past but it only results in them gaslighting me. For example, when I told my mom I really did not feel comfortable living with her again. I essentially said that we have very different personalities and it would truly be extremely hard on me to be in an environment like that with her (in a less well-worded way bc I was so so upset). She then turns this around to say that I was mean to her. I was not mean to her - I was explaining that she was so mean to me that I didn’t want to live with her!

[Wobbleshope]

yeah I see what you mean.. but you'll get through this, don't worry.

[Asker]

Thank you :)

[boredguy01]

They're clearly homophobic. Also, you're a grown woman so you should move out and stop putting up with their bullshit

[Asker]

The weird thing though is that now (years later) my suster is clearly pro lgbtq+ and pro Black lives matter because she posts about this on her social media stories. This confuses me because this contradicts her previous actions and she hasn’t really addressed (at least with me) this change. Also when I first came out to my sister she was very supportive, but then she completely cut off contact with me when my mom told her to.

[boredguy01]

She's probably just posting those things for attention like most people in her generation.

[boredguy01]

Actions speak much louder than words and her actions showed she isn't tolerant or supportive of you since you came out