Would you be upset if your friends didn’t put in the same effort you do, into the friendship?

[Anonymous]

I’ve always been the friend that gets extremely thoughtful gifts. Remembering things they like and don’t. My best friend and I gave each other our gifts today and we opened them during a picnic that I set up for us like I always do.
I always buy our dinners, buy us a drink or ice cream when our in town or I’ll get her a hair tie if she doesn’t have one. I always give her dinner when she comes to my work and so on.
For Christmas we both wrote out lists of things we want and don’t want. The list wasn’t crazy long nor was the things in it expensive. I got her everything except one thing in her list and she only got me one thing on my list.
I felt like crying because no one ever actually puts thought into my gifts and it’s always a last minute thing my fiends rush to get.
Another friend bought me a lama mug and Starbucks coffee- I DONT LIKE lama’s and I hate Starbucks coffee.
I want to message my friends and tell them that I don’t feel they put in effort and tell them how I feel. How I’m the one that puts in the effort snd they just take what I give but never think of doing something nice and thoughtful for me. I don’t want to use them but it’s hurtful when you do these nice things for your friends but they either forget your birthday or gifts or they just buy your crap...
what do I do

[Quidthonian]

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through.
It looks to me like she is your "friend" (note the quotes) for your money. I don't think it is a genuine two-way relationship. I will not sugar coat it: dump her, have a cry. I am almost certain that she will be "fine" with it.
I have been in a similar situation myself. About 15 years ago, I had a friend from university. He used to come for a few hours (on company time: he was a field technician for a telephone company) for an extended visit.
My sixth sense told me that he had criminal intentions. I don't know how much of that is true, as I haven't spoken to him in over a decade. I got out unhurt.
Your case might not be as bad as that. However, I still feel she is toxic and is just using you. In your life, there is one importaint person: you. Take care of yourself first.

Good luck, and I hope you can find support in people you trust.

[djmzes]

Simple

[Anonymous]

There is literally only one thing my besty and I learned from our Comm Theory class in college, and that was that a friendship cannot survive without reciprocity. If there is much more give or much more take coming from one side or the other in a friendship or a relationship, eventually it gets old and a friendship can quickly sour. I read your other comments and I get that you are frustrated because you made the lists and all, and promises were made, and she makes X dollars, but you shouldn't put so much stock in gifts because a good friendship, a real genuine one with someone should be backed up in how they treat you, and not just what they can give you. If you are so inclined, you should give gifts because you absolutely want to and feel that in your heart, and not because you're depending on getting stuff back in return.

Second point, I feel I can relate to you in the sense that I give a lot of myself and my time to my friends. I plan surprise parties, I surprise them at work with lunch, I'm the first to drive over with a get well soon basket I've made myself when they're sick. I do those things out of pure love, but if my efforts aren't matched by my friends, and they rarely are, that is NOT their fault because they've done nothing wrong. Just because you do all those things doesn't mean they have to or should because as you are aware, , that may not be their love language and having that expectation of the world around you will always end in you feeling disappointed. It is however important that they are a friend to you in every sense of the word, when it really counts in life, when you truly need them.

So what about your current relationship with your friend? This isn't the first time I gather, and you're feeling a total lack of reciprocity....so what is your heart telling you? Is she still your friend if she doesn't buy you gifts because she's a real genuine caring person who cares for you otherwise, or do you genuinely find time and time again that all she does is take advantage of your kind heart and isn't there for you in life in the good or bad times. If it's the former, really let it go because a gift can't give you a hug, or listen to you rant on a bad day over text, but a friend can. If it's the latter, know that you are an adult who can walk away from that friendship if you choose and find someone else who treats you like the friend you deserve, and who would respect the wish list, and who would do things in your mind in a much more reciprocal way, but if it's the latter and you choose to continue going on like this, secretly mad and frustrated all the time every time you do something nice, that's on you because no one is forcing you to do those things.

[btbc92]

Yes! Friendship is a relationship too! It takes two to tango. That's why any guy who just wants to hop into dating without a friendship is just rushing into something they know nothing about. If you can't put much effort into a friendship, how the heck will you handle dating? Even with female friends or same-sex friends in general. The rule still applies. However, I think what you have going on is your being a bit unrealistic. You have a friend who was willing to buy you one thing. You may be able to financially afford it. She may not. It hurts that I can't afford to buy or give everything that my friends want or need. But I do NOT expect my friends to do the same for me. I get embarrassed or even hurt because others give whether I asked or felt deserving. I only expect or expected that of my parents. NOT friends. But friends that love you, they provide. You both love each other! Love is way more important than physical gifts. A handmade card is better than a gift card. Stop using physical and material things to get LOVE. It will not make you happy. Giving and overall gifting may be your love language. Maybe. But there are other ways you can utilize that gift. Cherish your friends with love.

[btbc92]

At the same time, you are being SELFISH. And not showing humbleness and gratitude. I overall dislike and hate coffee. Period. Doesn't matter where it's from or how well brewed. I cannot stand coffee. It makes me sick. All you have to do is just thank the person who gifted you that but tell them you don't like coffee. Maybe tea if that is what you like. And hey, Personally I am not a fan of the llama stuff either. Lately, it's a major trend for some reason. But look, a mug is a mug. You can decorate it, do something. But talk to your friends, and let them know how you feel. But don't HURT them over something as innocent as that. If you know you dislike those things, communicate that and hear them out too. You may be giving them what they hate or dislike. Then what? Are you going to lose your friendship over that? Something petty?

[Asker]

I don’t think I’m being selfish. My friend make nearly triple what I do, got 0 bills because she lives with family and she’s not struggling. I was hurt because she specifically said to me “let’s make a list of things we’ll get for each other so that we don’t forget.” I was also promised something from her which she never even got. Giving gifts or anything materialistic isn’t my love language at all but when I’m the only one putting in effort then I get hurt.
Like this morning for our picnic we were going to meet at a bakery that we love to go to. She listed all these things she wanted there. This morning I went and got my things before we met up because I got there early. When we met up she asked if we were going to the bakery and I said sure. We get there and she starts telling me all the things she likes and wants. Our turn to buy things and I said I already bought my things earlier but that I’d wait for her. She then said “oh no I won’t get anything then. I didn’t bring my wallet with me” ... not once did I offer to buy her anything from the bakery but she just assumes I will.
And no I never ever buy my friends things they don’t like. I never have, ever and I’m being honest when I say that. My friend opened all her gifts today and LOVED them. She’s always gushed to me how she loves my gifts.
I’m not saying I want to hurt them when mentioning it to them but making them aware, letting them know how I feel

[Asker]

So I’m bugged that we made this list that she said we were to buy from. On that list was once thing we were definitely going to buy without a doubt and then that list was other things we would get.
I don’t like when people say one thing and do another. I’ve always been that friend that buys things her friends actually really like, will use and is meaningful. It’s not hard and I’m not asking anyone to spend heaps of money on me either.

[Asker]

I just feel like I’m being used for the things I get and do for my friends. They’re happy to get things from me but when it comes to me getting gifts it’s like they get these things that aren’t things I like whatsoever. Look I’m a basic girl, everyone and I mean everyone, even ransoms who follow me on Instagram or chefs that work in the kitchens know that I love cats, stationary, I read a lot of books about historical events as I love history. My boss got me a stack of books that were second hand and they were historical books for my birthday, told me he spent $5 for them all and I was extremely happy with them. My boss who I only see for an hour a week picked up on how much I talk about history and thought I’d love those books💀 my boss that I hardly see got me a better gift, a more thoughtful gift that any of my friends. A girl that I work with for only 4 hours a week knows me through and though but she went out of her way to find and buy snacks that come from my home country but my friends can’t even buy me something, even if it’s cheap, that I truly like or would use. Instead all the gifts I get I usually give to someone else or throw away or donate and that’s sucks for me.

[btbc92]

You lack self-awareness Asker and it's making you miserable. Because you wouldn't be in that mess if that was the case. One, your people-pleasing, and others will walk over you when you do that and over extend. Number 2, if you feel abused, then why are you, friends, with such people? If this is a constant issue, your friends with the wrong kind of people.

[btbc92]

Look. When I mean selfish. I mean that again, your using gifts and your time, etc to overextend in places that neither of these 'friends' of yours is willing or going to provide you. Because this sounds like to me you always had not so great friends and you settle for less than what you deserve. Or at least your attracting such people. They don't sound like friends. They sound like acquaintances you only hang out with. True friendship is not like that. You are being selfish. Because you're needy for love your being neglected from. They can't give that to you. Because they don't have that to give. And they won't listen to you because all you do is give even when they don't show their deserving of it, and where did they think about you? Have they at least think about you? If they did, then you need to talk to them and remind them of that. If not, then ask yourself what are you even doing?

[Fuego_exe]

Nah, everyone has their level of effort they're comfortable with. Just let them.

But if they don't put in any effort you're not friends.

[Iron_Man]

They can’t they don’t have my money