My boyfriends sister is clingy, it's gotten worse during covid. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are in a relationship of 6 years. We are currently living with his parents and his sister. His sister started becoming close to me during the third year of our relationship and I always encouraged her to come to us if she needed advice. A year an a half ago (during the beginning of covid), she started to come down and share meals with us. Eventually things got weird... she would always want to go anywhere we went, be upset if we got food/went on a date without her, she wouldn't go anywhere unless we went with her, cut off all her friends, gets upset or lonely when we see our friends, goes through our mail and our phones, stay in our room from 8pm till 1 am. When we told her we wanted space and distanced ourselves, she got a dog. And then told us the dog likes our room, so then the same pattern has started again. Our relationship has strained because of this, we aren't intimate anymore because (how can I, when his sister is laying on our bed). We don't even talk much anymore because his sister repeats everything we say to his other siblings. I don't know what to do? I've voiced this to him so many times. He said it's because she thinks we are bestfriends. She won't even leave the room when I change my clothes 😭😭😭 I don't even talk to her when she's laying on our bed anymore and she still just lays there 😔 I don't know what to do, even when we don't open the door she stands outside calling our names until we do.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

You need to explain to her the effects of her behavior and how it's straining your relationship. But it sounds to me like you don't hate her or anything, you just need her to respect your personal space and your boyfriend's. Tbh it might be better coming from him, coz brothers can be more brutally honest with their siblings. Maybe there's a diplomatic and non-aggressive way to frame the conversation though, since she sounds quite fragile and looks up to you both a lot (perhaps to an unhealthy degree, but still...). Maybe frame it like "we both care for you a lot, and it's because we care that we have to address this behavior, because the last thing either of us want is to start resenting you because we can't get personal space anymore. We can still be close and all, but boundaries are important not just for us, but for you as well, because as a young woman it's important for you to know you can carve out a time and place in the world that's truly just your own. If you want any help from us to get you started on some positive changes like reconnecting with old friends, we'd be happy to help how we can. But we need some sort of assurance that you'll respect our privacy and our personal time going forwards, because if not then I can't see how we can move forwards the way things are going currently."

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Also, she's probably got some deep insecurities going on, so coming at this from the approach of "how can the three of us work this out as a team so we all benefit?" is probably a better tactic than "I'm sick of you, you're so annoying, just leave us alone!"

[Asker]

Hello Tom! Thank you taking the time to analyze the situation and putting together something I can say to her to set boundaries. You're 100 percent right, she's fragile and insecure. And also spoiled and inconsiderate growing up to be the only girl (and the youngest) between 3 brothers. On top of that, my boyfriend is her favorite brother. We used to be close, but now the further I walk away from her the more she pushes herself on me. I've hinted to my boyfriend he needs to be the one to tell his sister about boundaries and privacy (which is hard cause I don't believe a man should have to choose between sister or girlfriend). And he's mentioned that his sister has always been like this and she won't change. I've moved into a spare room to get some space and clear my head.

The way you worded it... if she keeps pushing it. I will definitely have to say it as you did. Cause you're right, I don't hate her but this is... too much.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my situation! Stay safe 😷

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Anytime :) hope it all works out

[Asker]

He said he's going to talk to her... I'm really anxious she'll throw a tantrum

[Lone_wolf122]

Lol she's like a puppy... Practically there's only two options... Confront her to stop or move out... It's up to you to decide which is easier... But you might wanna do it fast cuz it started to affect your relationship

[Asker]

Sigh a puppy would be nice, but I feel like she's our kid now. Or that my boyfriend and I are dating her too which sounds messed up. I don't know how to tell her without her throwing a tantrum 😩 she's going to be so pissed or buy another dog.

[Lone_wolf122]

Yeah I get what you're feeling... You're already too nice and considerate.. But deep down you know it must stop one way or another

[Asker]

It has to, I've tolerated it for a year and a half. I didn't want to put my boyfriend in a situation where it's between myself or his sister but I've hinted it that he needs to talk to her. He told me that his sister will not change and she's always been like this... just selfish and spoiled. So at this point moving out is my best option like you said. Thank you for taking the time to reply! 🥲

[Siren777]

How old is she? Does he not have any other sisters she can bond with? She seems codependent. This isn't healthy behaviour this will have an effect on all her relationships too. She probably only trusts you. She is fond of you and may not have been taught about personal space. It would be best if he explained to her as he is her brother. This can cause problems in your relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't speak to her then you will have to do it. If all else fails move out. You are not her babysitter nor is she your responsibility.

[Asker]

Hello Siren 👋! His sister and I are both 25. You're right, she's extremely codependent. We went to see our friends recently (social distanced of course) and when we came home, she was already in our bed and in a baby voice "where were you guys? I missed you soo much 🥺". It seems the more I push her away the more she forces herself onto me.

I've already moved into the spare room in the house since I posted this. The thing is we are looking to buy a house together, his sister has been saying she would move in with us if we move away (without asking us). So I had my boyfriend tall to her, I talked to her and for some reason she still thinks she's moving in with us.

by the way thanks for taking the time to reply to this 😭😔 makes me feel a bit better to know I'm not crazy that this isn't healthy or normal.

[Siren777]

Wth... she is 25? I thought she is way younger. You going have to be take the diplomatic approach and confront her whether she becomes bratty or not. It is not your problem. She needs to grow up. You need to put your foot down. She either is jealous of the time her brother spends with you or she has a crush on you. So the only way to be closer is to react this way. You need to do something about it and fast. I don't think you have set firm boundaries enough. Even if that means locking your room door - (extreme I know but why is she sleeping like your baby in your bed wtf) and let get upset and throw her toys out the cot but speak your mind. This isn't healthy or normal. Don't let it turn into an obsession.

[Asker]

He said he's going to talk to her. I'm scared to hurt her feelings but she doesn't care about mine.

[Avicenna]

You and him need to talk to her and set boundaries