Boyfriend pulling away, how can I be here for him?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months and recently in this past month he has been pulling away from me majorly. He has going through a lot mentally and I asked him about it and he told me that he has been pulling away from everyone in his life, not just me, because he doesn’t feel like he can be close to anyone in this moment. In his past he lost both his sister and a girl that he says he was in love with, both of which were separate occasions but they had passed away in sudden and tragic ways. He tells me that because of these loses he sometimes feels it’s hard for him to be close to me and completely vulnerable because he’s worried that I will end up dying as well. There are times like in the beginning of our relationship where he would be super close to me and clingy but there are also times where he will pull away from me drastically. This month has been especially hard for us because it is the anniversary of his sisters death and he is struggling a lot with it and distancing himself from me completely. I try to be here for him as best as I can but he doesn’t seem to want to talk to me and seems very unresponsive when I try to text him but he also tells me that he does want to talk to me and he gets upset when we are distant from another. I’ve asked him if he wanted me to back away and for us to take a break so that he can deal with his emotions without having the obligations of a relationship but he told me he doesn’t want to do that and that he needs me in his life.

My question is, how can I be here for him when he pulls away from me so much? Should I just allow him to pull away from me and give him space even though he says he doesn’t want me to do that and have him come to me when he is ready, or should I keep attempting to talk to him even though he doesn’t seem responsive when I do? I myself have suggested us taking a break but he said he doesn’t want to do that and he feels it would put him in a worse spot mentally.

[Zeppelinrocks]

Give him space to grow, friend. His sister AND someone he loved? That HAS to take its toll- I can see why he would feel what he feels. Because he has those very valid reasons, I’m quite certain that this has absolutely nothing to do with you or your connection. Please don’t disappear, though. He does care about you in his own way, and I think he doesn’t want to hurt you or rely on you too much. I would hit him up a few times a week. Say something like, “Hey, just checking in! A gentle reminder that you are a strong and amazing person, and that I’m always here for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to be supportive.” And don’t take it personally if he takes a while to respond, doesn’t respond at all, or doesn’t want to hang out. People in mental crises want to maintain their connections but don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be around people much, and it is up to the genuine friends around them to support them and be there anyway.

[devilish-cutie]

Try to be understanding as you were so far. Try to see what he seems to want in certain moment but also think of what you think would be best for him. I would also communicate your own needs in that relationship. Sure he is having major problems but he shall know you have problems and needs too. I would try to get him to work trough his issues and be open w me but very carefully without forcing. However i would also leave him be at times if i see he needs time alone. Anyways go by ear, ypur gut too. Good luck!