My boyfriend broke up with me saying "it's just not working anymore and I feel pressured". Now mixed feelings.

[draconia11]

Hey, I am having a major problem here. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months. We met at college, and a lot of our relationship was spent apart as we live in different states.

We were going out for a while, and things seemed to be going good, when suddenly things that he said just weren't clear to me anymore. He started pulling away from me over the summer, and didn't seem happy when we talked. I am generally shy and he is too, but he never wants to communicate and I do. I really love him still, even though I tried to say that we could just be friends.

I think I may have pushed him away more because I am clingy when he started pulling away. it made me bitter and I said some things I shouldn't have. I explained to him why this was happening and apologized though. We made up, and I drove 7 hours a few days later to meet at his house over the summer.

Things seemed to be good while I was there. We laughed and had a good time together. There was one point where he started to cry and say that he felt like I want enjoying being there. I clearly was, and told him this...I am still wondering what this meant or why he would think this.

So, we broke up over the phone about 5 days after I got back home, and of course this made me emotional and confused. He broke up with me, and I didn't know why because I was really trying and thought I was succeeding at improving my emotional behavior.

So, about a few weeks went by where I tried to be friends, and he said we should, but conversations always went back to relationship stuff in one way or another, and he pulled away.

But, later on, we began talking again and it seemed to be going really good (this was all over IM by the way because he doesn't like to call which was a problem before). We were talking like friends and having a good time. but suddenly one day he said we should start doing stuff, but not be in a relationship..

This at first made me really mad, and I later asked a lot of questions about why he would suggest this. He says e doesn't love me anymore and just wants to be friends, but why would he want to continue doing stuff with me (and not even sex!) This confuses me a lot. he says he has mixed feelings when I asked him how he would feel about just getting back together. I don't know why he wouldn't because basically what we would be doing was the same thing as what he was suggesting, but he didn't want to call it a relationship, and wanted to call it "casual." Most of the time I would say he just wants sexual pleasure from me, but I don't think that is the case. He says he isn't ready for a relationship with me again, but won't tell me if it is never possible. He doesn't seem to like commitment is my opinion, and doesn't like when I ask him how he feels even though we are supposed to be friends...

We hung out last night and cuddled. He slept over, but only sleeping. I now really regret agreeing to this because it just felt weird when he left in the morning. What should I do?

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+1 y

I really want to know what is going on, but he just won't open up to me. I don't know whether or not he is really confused, or if he is just trying to avoid me...hopefully time will tell.

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Oh, and a while ago, when we were first broken up, he said something about "his love not being good enough". I don't know what he meant by this. Maybe he felt like he didn't have the same feelings I do?

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it's totally over now. I tried to talk to him and be friends, and we agreed on it, but he just agreed with everything I said regardless what it was. I don't think he even cares to be friends really. So when he got mad at something I said that wasn't...

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+1 y

...even about him, that was enough. He is just not compatible with me at all. The relationship started in the wrong way, and now it is ending that I don't even want to be friends. All he did was make me miserable. I told him to leave me alone and I will.

[parisa]

i understand everything you've just said. it's easy for people to say dump him, let go, he'd oesn't deserve you, he's immature etc but was it a good relationship? do you honestly believe that you could have a good relationship again? is he worth it? has he agreed to not see other people? do you trust him? if yes then I'll tell you what you have to do. you have to pull away. you have to give him space and time. I don't mean pretend you don't care about him etc but show him that if he wants casual you'll give him casual and that's mean he's not your priority anymore. never make someone a priority when they're only making you an option. I was in your position before but the difference was we were in a long term relationship, very serious, he gave up everything and I didn't treat him as good as I should have. I hurt him so I stuck to my guns. kept my self respect and did everything I've wanted to but couldn't when I had a boyfriend. I don't mean getting with other guys or flirting etcif you are serious about building a relationship you can't fall into that, he will lose respect for you and not trust you. if he starts seeing other girls then you have to seriously let go. I would once tell him how much you care about ihm, how much you love him etc and that's it. after that he's gotta come to you. let him text first, tell you he misses you, don't initiate anything like that. don't be cold or bitchy, just be warm and yourself. you have let him know how much you care about him and he can't expect you to keep showing it to him day in day out, you're not together remember. once you start living your own life you really will start to care less about the situation, you won't care less about him but you'll start caring more about yourself. once you become a positive busy person who has value for herself he'll decide either he has enough value for you to be with you properly or decide he doesn't want you at all. don't give him an ultimatum. YOU decide what's best for you. it may take months and months for you to realise where you're going and you have to decide whether it's worth it. I am in a much better place and if I try to break it off now or get angry he's the one who doesn't want to let go. you have stop taking it personally and start being the best you can be. not for HIS sake but for your own. once you realise how happy you can be with or without him the situation will be much easier to handle. if you are determined this is what you want be warned, it will be a long journey, difficult and at times you will want to give up.

[draconia11]

Wow. Thanks for the reply. it sounds like you know how I feel, and I am glad you understand. I am not sure what he wants or if he even feels anything for me. it is so hard to just leave him alone because we live in the same dorm and see each other almost every day. I just want to know what he is thinking, but at the same time I agree with you that I should just leave him alone and start doing something for myself....I am just worried he won't come back anyways, and I really do love him.

[parisa]

From experience I've learnt there's nothing you can do to make someone come back to you if they don't want to. the only thing you can do is try to find happiness in your life aside from him. once you find that, everything else is so much easier. when your happy from the inside you'll think clearer and won't be frightened to make a decision about him. cutting him off when you don't understand why you should won't make you happy, just everyone else on the outside.

[Linsey]

I think this is what I need to do in my situation...pull away. I've been seeing this guy for a few months now (atleast I think we are seeing eachother) I don't know what he thinks of anything (me, us etc) When we're together we act like were actually together, we kiss when we see each other when we say goodbye and everything. It's when I leave that makes it complicated for me. He rarely texts me, really only when he wants to hang out. It doesn't make me feel very good, so I don't know what I shud do

[Linsey]

And even before we started hanging out he would text me all the time, I guess trying to actually "catch" me. Now that he's got me maybe he doesn't feel the need to keep in contact with me all the time. But I feel like he should, I want to feel like I'm worth something to him.

[draconia11]

Linsey I agree with you. My ex used to always want to talk. He would IM all the time (doesnt have texting). Then suddenly once he lost interest he didn't want to talk, and I did. I think its why he broke up with me =[

[parisa]

I think the most important point of pulling away is to do it for yourself. if your doing it to get him back then your always waiting for him and become so disappointed when he pushes you and become so elated when he pulls you back. but if you train yourself into a state of looking out for yourself you make more rational decisions and his actions will have little affect on you.

[Anonymous]

my situation is..when my boyfriend started to fall afor his ex again our relationship got quiet..there are times when I just know he was with her.. gut feelings...more deleted txtes and calls all of that sorts...he slowed down sex and all but is very very caring and loving to me...cheating is only good at first dates but not for long when you are in a committed relationship they'l get tired the excitement goes away..he was soo pressured...he can't sleep,guilts and seeing me so good to him ,faithful and all made him so mesirable for what he has been doing..now because I understand people has baggae,i let go quietly,i do a lot of stuff to make myself busy,make songs learn guitar more go out physical trainings run and bike and all socialize and strated to handle it well now I even wrote him a very very touchy card..i said I love you and you have me..if you fall babe I'm just here to catch you...now I'm leaving soon and won't be back for a year..we will get married and ill see how it goes with her and him if they click I will totally let go that's what I said to him..he is mesirable right now he has been crying for years when she left him,i don't want him crying because I do..i said if you guys don't work always remeber I am a call away from you.. we are going to get married because I love him and he loves me for me but he cares for this girl..he can barely get over her yet but I know soon..things with her and him slowed down for sure he got tired and he spent times more with me than her,tetx once calls fewer...i love him dearly and he wanted us to get married..i let go my burden but not my love for him...im just feeling so good right now..i love him unconditional because most defenitely he would miss me for me...if you put security on yourself you will face your problems way better..love yourself and they will love you for that..

[courtrep1231]

You are worth so much more then someone playin mind games with you. I am going through the same thing and I think it's better if we just fall back. Us as girls, are very emotional and clingy and when a guy isn't we ten to think something is wrong with us. You should really look for someone else. I know it's hard but just sitting here online wasting our energy isnot worth it and we know that but yet we still try and make things work. I think it's so much to deal with mentally when someone wants to be with you, then says they want to be friends. The truth is, they don't know what they want and we do. So what we have to do is be strong and patient until we find someone who wants the same things as us which is hard to find. But we shouldn't linger on in a relationship when we are nervous of what the other person wants and what's gonna come about it. All in all, since I am going through the same thing, I think we should try and be like them, honestly. Maybe once he sees a change in your behavior he will try and change. that's the only way to truly know if he wants to be with you.

[draconia11]

Oh, thank you. I did almost feel like I was wrong for feeling clingy. But, now I know that what you say is probably right. I just need someone who is more attentive and knows how I feel. I need someone who gives out as much as I do I guess. =)

[Archangel29]

Hey! In all honesty it seems the whole situation is definitely not in your favor. He has broken up with you and he doesn't want to be the bad guy. There is still a minute chance (say10%) that he may be regreting it, but don't count on that. If this relationship is that important to, you could cut off all contact. This way not only do you give him the time and distance he is asking you, but you also give him enough time to miss you! In addition it also allows your head to clear up from all the needy clingy emotions, and when you two talk again, you will be in a better position. I'd say give it about a 3 weeks to a month (it seems to be the magic number). It's hard but it ussually is the best path to follow. Still be very careful. Make sure you know what you are doing by pursuing this. I don't know much about your situation but I have a feeling that it might turn ugly for you if you let it. P.S. friendship with a person you are in love with sucks, especially after a break up with that person.

[draconia11]

Hey thanks. Yea. It does sound like I should let him contact me and try to just give him whatever space he needs. I also know that being friends could potentially be very painful for me, but I would rather have that than nothing I guess. =]

[Littletad]

It sounds like some major drama. He's really unsure of what he wants to do with his future and whether or not that involves you or not. Whatever you do, don't give him sex. If he's man enough to admit that he just wants to be friends, then he should be man enough to realize your not going to give him anything unless your his girlfriend. Don't let him manipulate you into being a closet hanger.

As for you, I'd suggest reevaluating your relationship with him and whether or not you could be using your time pursuing something new. Perhaps a new man in your life who is actually closer, more goal oriented, and less of a hassle.

[draconia11]

I agree. Even though I have feelings for him still, I will never give him sex without a relationship. This doesn't seem to bother him though. He said something about just wanting something without stress involved. This makes me think I am almost just a crutch to him and therefore he probably really doesn't care for me anymore. But, he did say he worried about losing friendship due to trying a relationship again. That was one of his major concerns. I already think it is lost though but I'm trying.

[Moremegan]

I get the feeling that because he's so quiet and you're so quiet he feels a lack of communication. I've had this issue before in dating someone I adore who adores me, but they simply weren't outgoing enough for me to feel like I could talk to them and have anything other than a physical connection.

Maybe he just feels that you don't connect, but then his attraction to you is guiding him back towards you like when you were cuddling. He's attracted to you, but he just doesn't have enough in the relationship you had.

This is just a theory.

[draconia11]

Yea, well I am shy, but once I feel I know someone, I am not afraid to communicate. It just seems that he is, and maybe that was why he felt pressured?

[wado_123]

Let me tell you this since he said its not working anymore that means ... sure he looked for someone els “truth hurts” but that is the wrong with us “MEN” in an African wisdom an old man said “even the sand can't fell an eye of a man”

Don’t feel bad about yourself just try to move on and if you love him and you find it so hard to move on just do one thing delete anything related with him throw away his photos or anything remind you with him and everything will be ok soon and believe me you will find someone who will show you real love

[forever]

He likes your company, but he doesn't see you to be in his future (meaning to be his wife). His feelings for you has changed. He still care about you but he doesn't love you. It's better for you to cut all ties with him until you are ready to be friends with him. Being friends mean doesn't have any feelings anymore. Until then you can't. Tell him that you still have feelings for him and can't be his friends for now. Don't contact him anymore nor talk to him in any way. If he contact you, make it a brief conversation, if you feel weak, don't even take his call. You need to move on and that's your goal for now. Nothing you can do can bring his feelings back unless he feels it. So, do your part to heal from this heartache.

[parisa]

when a guys confused don't read into what he says and try to find out what he means because he probably doesn't know what he means either! ley him figure things out and go out and have fun! not the kind of fun other people expect you to have but the little things that give you pleasure and make you feel good about yourself. you don't have to go out dress up and get p*ssed and take photos and post them on Facebook so he knows how great you're doing. I feel good after anything when I have a night in with some lame dvds pizza and a lot of crass talk. if you surround yourself with people who have a really positive and relaxed attitude it will rub off!

[somechick]

I've experienced this before. This sounds like my ex. Although we never had a long distance relationship. Basically one day he decided that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He wants to be friends and do the same thing together but don't want a title/commitment. I made a mistake of agreeing to this. It was messed up. It messed me up for a good while. Then I snapped out of it and ended it completely. We're not friends, I've deleted him from my life. He tried to contact me a few times, but I ignored him.

If I were you, you need to move on and find someone else that appreciates you. Because he certain doesn't. And the whole being friends thing will only mess with your head and you'll never get over him. That will prevent you from meeting someone else.

[Anonymous]

I've been in your place before and if you want to get over him and let this all go or get him back to the way it use to be...the best thing to do is go no contact. You can't let guys walk all over you like this, you WILL get hurt, and your getting hurt. You need to tell him, listen I don't know what your confused about or what's going through your head, but I can't be stuck in limbo here with you while your trying to figure it out..so when you know what you want THAN contact me ...and just end it right there...you will eventaully recieve some sort of IM/email/text explaining everything...its the best thing for you and I think you should consider it.

[draconia11]

That is actually really good advice. I like how it is direct. I would do that if I didn't see him around all the time because he is in the same dorm, one floor above me. I have seen him every day since I have been here, just walking around. it makes it even harder to do the "no contact" approach. ><

[Opinion Owner]

Yea the college living thing makes it even harder I know EXACTLY where your coming from but if it be the case that you see him, just keep it short, and just try to avoid seeing him, don't go out of your way to walk down his hall, or go where he is...its the same idea as no contact because then he will see what your doing and it should be a wake up call to him

[TexPlayboy]

It sounds like he is being honest about how he feels about you, and so the question is why do you want to try to fix something with someone who is not in love with you? Take his offer for his friendship and move on with your love life. There is someone out there who is going to rock your world, I don't think it is ever going to be this guy.

The sooner you can let him go the sooner you can begin the next exciting chapter of your life.

Good Luck,

James

[Reeses-pieces777]

yeah...my friends and I were discussing this and I believe when a guy says let's take a break, it pretty much means it's over. idk. I think when a guy says that, he doesn't feel attracted anymore. it' sucks. I've been in a similar situation. I would just move on...

[foster777]

Parisa says it well, Tell him how you feel and let him be. No more IM's, no phone, no nothing. Let him be and focus on you for a change. He probably has a gay lover.

[draconia11]

Haha you know what's funny is he probably is lol. Other people have told me this too when I described him and his actions XP

[musicfreakzjh]

i've seen this happen a lot to my friends. either he's saying things like that to try to make you feel less sad about the breakup or he really means them. both mean that he doesn't want to hurt you

[aaron420247]

He is just playing now luv. He might have had feeling in the beginning but it sounds like to much distance between you guys and he has moved on. So don't be chasing him across States anymore. In your pic your a pretty girl it shouldn't be to hard for you to find someone who really like and cares for you closer to home

[wraite]

6 months you say ? sounds like a lifetime you,re 18 and it sounds like he,s not that into you get over it! MOVE ON!

[jojodoggs]

Sounds like a douche, breaking up with a hot thing like you. Not sure about his Intelligence Quotient. Kisses to you.

[Archangel29]

how Did he mean it? His love was not good enough for you (it was your fault) or he was not worthy of your love (it's his fault)?

[draconia11]

I am not really sure how he meant it, which is why it really confused me. He almost sounded sorry when he said it though...

[davyjones]

his loss. good luck.