The dead beat dad returns part 2: what is the best thing to say after my deadbeat dad said this?

[Anonymous]

I am very disappointed and don't want to to him ever again to be honest. He got upset with me for not wishing him a happy fathers day when he hasn't been in my life since him ans my mother divorced when I was in 3rd grade. He didn't take ownership when I expressed my disappointment he said ," If you feel that way don't call me no more. Me and your mom divorced because of your evil grandma and that's why your grandma is dead now because she was a evil woman ". My grandma encouraged my mom to leave because dead beat was on drugs then and was abusing my mom. And based on what he said to me recently it proved my grandma and mom right. He apologized via text several times I said I forgive you. He called I talked to him but due to my disappointment I wasn't engaged in the conversation. I had nothing left to say.

Dont say anything else to him. Let him eat his words block him and not speak to him again. His words were verbally abusive

He apologized give him a chance

Sent him a letter about how you feel

Updates

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@livin_hi_808 comment deleted next time read🤡

[Vietnemin]

Wow that’s you! You look amazing!

I don’t think you should give your dad a chance at least not this easily. He can say he’s sorry but what has he actually shown about his change? If he cares about you he’d go an extra length to change your attitude about him.

I didn’t want to wish my dad a Father’s Day either. He’s nowhere as bad as yours but he just shows no interest in my life and doesn’t get me at all. I’m already 31 and he makes stupid assumptions about what I like and dislike that reveal we’re almost complete strangers. I’d feel like I’d be wishing a random person happy Father’s Day. So I just said happy birthday instead since it was his birthday recently.

[Asker]

Thank you, I agree the last thing I said was I forgive you and love you too via text. Then he called and apologize. I thought I'd feel better about him but I don't I'm done with him. He was rude , disrespectful, and his verbiage was abusive. I want nothing to do with him and wish I never responded to his text. That day I was just in a good mood and Hanging out with my friend is why I was a bit nicer. But once I talked to him I had nothing to say. I just blocked him today. I dont want to speak to him again. He's pointless.

I get how you feel. Dead beat makes assumptions about me based on when I was 6 years old because that's all he remembers but I'm in my late 20s now.

What assumptions does your dad make about you? Was he always there for you?

[Vietnemin]

I'm so glad for you to find the courage to protect yourself. It is unfortunate but not your responsibility to fix.

My dad it's just whenever we talk he just wants to cosmetically alter my life so it would reflect well on him to his online followers (He's an internet celebrity in China). I sometimes like to drink and be a loner so whenever we talk he'll just say "don't drink" "don't be a loner". It's never "how was your day?" "how's your job search?" "what's new in life?" just "try to be more interesting in my eyes so you I can mention you to my fans" (subtext added).

Anyways I don't really want to talk about myself. He was there for me as a kid but once I became more of an adult he just never showed interest in my more adult struggles and thoughts. But I guess there's definitely much worse dads out there so I'm still lucky I guess.

[Asker]

So it's all about an image for him you feel?

Yeah at least he was there as a child. Maybe he feels you're an adult now so you don't need his guidance.

Mine is coming back now trying to play dad and coming off as a victim. I dont need him now and he has a lot of crap to say about my mom's side of the family who helped raise me as if he's better. I dont like it. I'm just sick of him all together. I'm happy but when I talk to him or when he calls I'm unhappy

[Vietnemin]

Yeah it's all about image to him. My internal struggles and difficulty doesn't matter just matters that I reflect well on him. I had a tough time after college trying to find a good job and getting rejections. I got quite depressed but he never seemed to care. I guess it was just how he was raised in China or whatever.

Maybe if it helps you you can write a last text to him how you feel and then block him for good?

[Asker]

I thought about that but then again if I say I don't want to speak to him again he will flip it on me. I like keeping the ball in his court. He made the statement so I'll dissappear despite him apologizing. It's just irritating telling him over and over what he's doing wrong when he should know better.

[Asker]

He knows exactly what he said and did

[Vietnemin]

Wow that's a good way to put it too! I don't disagree with anything you did. It all seems sensible to me. Hopefully you can not be bothered by it much longer.

[she_asks_and_answers]

Ahh you sound like the older version of my daughter. This is currently her situation she is 13 and did not feel to wish her father Happy Father's Day... because he hasn't been there for her. And I feel your situation could be her situation in the near future. I will be honest with you... It was wrong what he said to you. Even if there was any truth to what he said that is not how you have a discussion and speak to your daughter... and he was very very wrong for how he spoke to you. Furthermore... he doesn't get to downplay your feelings... he is supposed to listen, see you are hurt... man up and be there for you. He is deflecting his shortcomings and wants to take it out on someone... you aren't the one. And whatever transpired between your mother, grandmother and him should not affect his duty to be a good father to you. In my opinion... I think you need to take some time to heal from his words and set boundaries. We all benefit from healthy boundaries.
I can tell you shared with him the reason why you didn't feel up to saying happy father's day... and quite frankly he needs to stop having a man tantrum and look at it as "I must have really hurt her for her to not want to wish me happy fathers day..." and then he should look at it as "I really better step up"... but... to blow up like that... to not try to see what may have caused you to feel that way... wrong... on so many levels... and come on man... he's grown enough to not get in his feelings too much over Father's Day...

I am so sorry you had to endure that. It is not your fault in any way shape or form.
To answer your question... I think the best thing to say to him is
"What you said to me the other day hurt me very much. You have to understand from my point of view as your daughter I have expectations of a father, some of which you did not live up to... whatever you and my mom and my grandma went through that is between adults... as your child you be there for me... when I am happy, when I am sad... when I need protection... when I am accomplishing something... when I need comfort. That is what you are supposed to do for me... just be there. I would like for you to be a part of me life because one day you may need to walk me down the isle, or be a grandfather to my first born... It would be a shame for you to miss out on that because of your pride. Throw it away and look at the bigger picture here. If you want to be a part of my life I will not accept you talking bad about my mother or my grandma or you and I will not have a discussion. So you decide if its worth wasting the rest of our years on the past or build a better future... but I will not tolerate your words... I will not.. you don't get to say those things to me"

[Asker]

♥️♥️♥️ thank you im so Glad you understand and honestly I'm done with him. I blocked him he's a user, abusive and like to blame everyone else for his problems. I dread his phone calls, he's pretty pointless, doesn't make me happy to talk to him

[she_asks_and_answers]

*Big hugs* always remember my words "Protect your peace" ... if anyone family, friend, coworker, whomever does not make you feel good/happy keep them at a distance. Not everyone needs access to you and your wellbeing. So my dear I am proud of you for protecting your peace. If he has lost access to you then he has to do the work and make himself worthy of your attention in the near future. Just because they are our parents doesn't mean we have to tolerate everything. You deserve to be happy. This is your time now, he is a grown man... bringing pain and sadness to you won't help you thrive or grow. So keep on keeping on, you are doing great, your feelings are valid and if anyone tries to guilt you or make you feel bad for choosing to not connect with your father you just simply say "I am protecting my peace". If ever you feel like you need a big sister to shed some light down your path you can follow me. I get you, I got you *big hugs*