Are they really your friends if they forget your birthday?

[Anonymous]

i spent fifty dollars each on my two best friends birthdays this year. And they're both like 3 economic statuses above me. Then my birthday rolls around. And the girl friend doesn't even wish me a happy birthday. And the guy does -after i mention it's my birthday- but that's it. I put a lot of thought into their gifts and money i didn't really have to spare. And neither of them reciprocated. Is it juvenile for me to feel hurt by this and not really want to be friends with them anymore? I'm always putting extra effort into both of them that isn't hardly reciprocated. The girl specifically. She'll blow me off for plans every time and if i message her it'll be a full couple days till she responds. I mentioned it once to her that it bothered me she wasn't reliable and she called me needy. I haven't had a lot of friends so it's hard to tell what's normal treatment.

[humpbackjack]

I’d say they’re not very good friends and possibly not very good people really more the girl than the guy. For me personally it’s hard for me to accept presents I don’t know how to act and honestly I’d prefer not to get any so for me if it’s a good buddy of mine I think it’s weird for a guy to buy another guy a gift but if it’s a girl friend of mine and she got me something for my birthday I’d try and set alarms in my phone so I remembered to get her something otherwise I’d probably forget until after the fact and then maybe feel lame getting something late and again if it’s a guy that got me something and it wasn’t during a party setting I definitely wouldn’t get him anything in return maybe if it was his bday party and it would be my wife getting it for him. Really the girl I’d say no doubt no good and the guy I’d ditch him to but possibly would accept an apology from the guy because a lot of guys are stupid about such things

[Asker]

I thought that but not much now. I asked him if he thought it made me crappy to not to talk to her because of it and he yelled at me about it. He told me if I'm not gonna buy her gifts anymore that i shouldn't do it for him either cuz it made me a bitch for expecting anything back. And they're not even friends. He just thinks she's hot. I saw him saving photos of her on his phone once. Everyone's mad at me because i told him i didn't think i wanted to give out Christmas presents this year.

[dudewithnoname]

Just drop em and move on they dont give a shit about you

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Yes you are friends but most people are self absorbed.. my birthday in 2020 my brother didn't even wish me happy birthday does that make him not my brother no.. he just got caught up in his own life.. with the added stress of covid cut people a break.. give them both a card next year.. I stopped buying gifts might send $20 etransfer but thats it..

Remember you dont give gifts to be recognized or what you could get in return.. we give gifts out of the kindness of our hearts. I only stopped giving them cause my income was drastically affected during covid and I struggle to afford to.. $20 use to be just $20 now I think wow thats a lot it all depends on your status of money

[Buttonss]

Ugh i hate how most female friends behave

[RiverUndertheSkY]

Yeah you should probably reconsider this friendship. I had a friend like that once were I was always putting in effort to try and reach out to them, make plans, meet up etc and they just didn’t show the same level of interest.

In my opinion there are two ways to handle the situation. One you can kind of lower the friendship to like an acquaintance thing or something, and just not put in all of that effort that they clearly don’t deserve. Or you can kind of let things naturally drift apart - I mean if the only way the relationship exists is by you making plans for them, and you reaching out to them, and you making the effort to talk to them - then it really, if you didn’t put in the effort there wouldn’t be a relationship all.

[sunshineglow]

You are very right, this is not reciprocating. It seems they just don't need you or want you as friend. As if they are with you from pity, and to have a "spare option" who'll run around with them and show up in front of others or go places, but only when no other friend of theirs is up for that. Of course the girl has no time for you. Until she hangs out with everyone whom she actually wants to hang out, there's no time for you.
No, you are not juvenile, there's absolutely nothing juvenile about this. If anything, they are the ones less mature. They don't even care they are hurting you. Clearly, to them, you are more like an acquaintance, who, accidentally, fell into belief you were friends. So now they have to "put up with you" from time to time, and you're not "such a bad" company, so they'll "survive" . I know exactly what I'm talking about, because I USED TO walk IN YOUR SHOES!

[sunshineglow]

But then my eyes opened and I let these people go. I grew so tired of just giving and never getting anything in return. People treat even a street dog better! I deserve respect too, which was barely there, as I was always ignored! Well, we're not going to play it that way, champs. In the beginning, as a teen, I started to let the existant thing to get dissolved into nothing, with less and less contact and no reaction or interest from my side. In my case they were gossipy and I had no nerves. No drama is necessary to cut the thing off. If someone DARES to ask what made you disappear later, just say you hang out and have fantastic fun with your new friends you met just... (name the time you started cutting the contact off, could be few weeks ago, so it would seem very believable). Be very convincing, like, calm, inner-happiness, composed, but enthusiastic and distant and cold to them as if they are just old old acquaintances who never were close (and judging from how you described them, and how they treat you, they weren't). They will see what they missed on. If they try acquiring you back, just... don't. You deserve real friends, not fake and uninterested in you. Friends are chosen, they are not God given burdain. You have power to choose who will have that privilege to see the real you and become part of your private life. Remember, whom you let in, into your private life, will have access to seeing and maybe even changing your thoughts pattern, beliefs or values. It's better that alike people, in this regard, hang out together. It's not a real problem they are wealthier than you, but it it seems they just don't value anything deeper in relationships. They seem spoiled and completely okay with themselves for it. Gosh, if I were richer than a friend who that caringly showered me with attention, I'd try to give expensive gift that I know they might need or want because I know that I can, and if I'm a friend, THAT'S what friend does - cares!

[sunshineglow]

I'm also of caregiver nature. I'm also an empath. During life there were many baits I bit. Nowadays I'm much more careful and reluctant. But I still keep being open to true friendships with the ones whom God directs in my life. It's much better than navigating with my hurt and caring hurt which wants to give love so it has compassion even to who don't deserve it. I decided it's better God decides for me, and that was best decision ever and nowadays I don't feel lonely in this regard, thanks be to God.
I would suggest you pray to God he safely removes those people out of your life with no drama, and opens place in your life for people who are going to be perfect friends who actually will be able to care, and whom He will choose for you. You know, otherwise it doesn't mean anything. When I was horribly depressed and on verge of suicidal thoughts, exactly 0 people out of 4! I emailed to, replied or showed any interest to support me (some were school or work friends and very "close" although indeed never that much reciprocating!!! Which now I know was all the time red flag I was ignoring forever) - and guess what, we were all close, in some case for years. I only left to another city for collage, and suddenly, I didn't even matter, as if I never existed. Well, fine! Then we indeed never were friends in the first place. And that was just one of many times I saw this kind of scenario.

[sunshineglow]

From then on, I grew to be capable to simply cut someone off out of once and for all, the moment when I see they don't care at all if I'm in pain. Dear, if you can see a HUMAN BEING in suffer, and be completely like, "yeeeahhhh whatever, crazy, ya" - let alone "friend" - then, sorry, there's no potentiality to be a friend. I grew to be better at scanning people in short time. Maybe I'm more disillusioned today but I have this quick and reliable tool. I scan their energy, I scan their emotions which I feel, I try to understand personality, I let my intuition tell me. Like I've said I'm still open to friendships, but now, when I meet someone, even if it's online, I ask God to clarify through their behaviour, if they are right people for me or not, so that I don't get hurt. If I know they are wrong, I ask Him that they disappear from my life. And my prayers and God's answers keep me protected from mistakes and wrong choices or acceptances.
You deserve far better than what you are getting right now. You have a capacity to be awesome and close, supportive and caring friend. You don't deserve anything less. Never compromise. And remember also that, it's better to be alone than in bad company. And bad is whatever makes you feel less than. It doesn't have to be abuse. But it's so obvious they neglect you. You are not as worthy of their attention in their eyes as much as they are to you. Just let them go. If it was deeper connection, they'd apologise, FGS! I have a feeling they wouldn't feel guilty even if you'd confront them with anything you'd bring up as issue, so just don't - they will again make you feel less than. Let it all just get dissolved into nothingness. And I wish you best friends, like what you deserve. Soonest possible, whenever God decides and gives, directing them your way, generously in his own ways and understanding. ❤️

[Daniela1982]

You apparently need better taste in friends. Some people see a gift as just that, a gift. Gifts are given because you want to give them and with not expecting anything in return. However, that said you would at least expect a "friend" to remember your birthday unless they were absent minded. By their actions I can't see them as seeing you as a good friend as they don't treat you like one. Your friendships seem one sided to me. You give and they receive and don't think of doing anything special for you. You might want to reconsider your friendships as they don't seem to be working for you.

[t-8900]

Most people here get offended but let me just say this. I would forget your birthday too. You know why? Because I forget my own damn birthday and every holiday unless someone tells me about it LOL. I literally always have my mind too preoccupied with my own studies and research and when that's not the case I'm talking to my SO or my dad who I'm the caretaker too and thinking of new ways to improve myself. Don't take it too hard. We live in a very fast paced culture and it's very easy to forget these things. I would say dont buy gifts in the future. I dont buy my dad gifts because we dont do that much. We usually saved gifts for kids and gfs on occasions. We usually just make each other our favorite meals. Mine are homemade but he loves crab and lobster so i buy that for him for his Bday every year and a huge bag of pistachios since he loves em so much.

[sunshineglow]

They could apologise, they didn't. Girl called her needy. You care how you make others feel, I saw that through communication with you. You just have terrible "radar" for people and their emotions, but it's okay you're not a bad person, you just need to work a bit on this. I also saw this based on that question you asked about wives leaving the husbands. It's okay, but don't give her this terrible advice. Could you really completely forget someone got you an expensive gift while you are aware they have far less then you? You're misguiding her. It's one thing to forget damn birthday, it's another not to care at all. Also, who cares, will set up damn alarm in advance on calendar. I also can't rely on my memory for numbers, for I'm not that good with numbers, but that's why you can confide on calendar app. And one can apologise, not call her "needy". That sounds like flat out gaslighting.

[t-8900]

@sunshineglow it probably was nothing personal, people do forget. I forget things all the time. You're right i do suck at reading what people want half the time lol. I'm ignorant on this I guess. also no one really celebrated birthdays for me so i guess i just can't relate to this. its harder to read people through communications then face to face.

[sunshineglow]

It's almost just as easy, you just have to get better at it. I mean I'm not ordering you that you do, just saying. :)
For example - If they DID care, it would be personal, but repairable. Of course this way wasn't personal. And judging from overall low vibe, social dynamics and no real connection, which she thoroughly described! - it's also unrepairable.

[Carolus]

With great expectations comes great disappointments, your approach to birthdays is wrong, it’s not everyone who believes in birthdays or anniversaries, understand that you can’t force others to believe in what you believe. Don’t expect people to remember your birthday or do a birthday party for you - unless it’s family or a family tradition, it’s the way it is and can’t blame nobody. You should celebrate your own birthdays by inviting family and friends, fully budgeting for it annually, that includes buying yourself a present too - example a new phone, car etc to without expecting gifts or that whoever you invited or gifted will invite you to their parties or gift you.

[sunshineglow]

You seriously wouldn't notice that someone with visibly less of an income, gave you quite expensive gift? It's not birthday itself, it's how they overall treat her like she doesn't matter to them.

[Carolus]

@sunshineglow It’s not a question of how it should be, you ain’t helping supporting same sentiments, we talking solutions and the solution ain’t controlling what people do or don’t, it’s protecting oneself from getting hurt or disappointed by lowering expectations on people/ changing his/her view on what to expect from people. It’s the way it is, if you gonna do something expecting some in return, you gonna live a very stressful life.

Do something genuinely from your heart, in hope that the goodness is passed instead of returned. Do it if it fulfills or makes you happy, not because you expect them to be nice people, but because you are a nice person. It’s very rare to me someone who reasons, feel or believe same as you.

[sunshineglow]

It's not helping her to realise these people don't care (!) if she reasons with that logic. Help her to realise they are NOT her friends like she started to believe at some moment. Obviously she craves friendships and true connection and there's nothing wrong with that. Humane is to feel like that. Same sentiment is Necessary to repeat over and over again until it's processed. She still didn't feel confident enough processing it the way she should so she asks the question. I rather want she processes her whole situation and those people's behaviours. If her nature is caregiving, she can't just stop being herself. Rather, she must decide she needs to become more picky with whom she will get to be giving. These people are not the right for her. They can go.

[avengers197197]

Forgetting birthday isn't so bad that u will leave ur friendship
I can tell you about my experience, until today there is not single friend who wished me birthday every year

Sometimes they did text to me and I go normally to them on my birthday and throw party if they remembered and if they forgot then it simply means that I will save all those money for myself and get what I want and when they realise that they feel guilty about that.

But did ur friends remembered ur birthday date if asked randomly on anyday they may forgot couple of times but if it happens again and again (when asking them randomly about ur birthday on any day of year) then they don't care about them, just leave them

[zaharuh]

Everyone is different and yes I'm that girl thats going to forget your birthday even if you tell me the date 10 times. I honestly don't find them that important but like if you got me a nice gift for me and yours was coming up maybe I'd write it down because I would feel wrong to not give something back.

[Arii783]

I have a terrible memory when it comes to birthdays. However, that's why I always try to mark a yearly reminder on my calander. And other than that, they seem pretty terrible. My feind used to date a girl who took forever to reply and would ignore him when he would tell her it bothered him. Ended up dumping her and been better ever since. If they are not willing to change, find better friends.

[Anonymous]

It's really important for relationships to have a give and take kind of relationship. If one friend does a lot for the other friend but the other friend reciprocates, you can't help but think if that friend doesn't care for you as much as you do. I think it's totally understandable for you to feel that way because it's not just about "forgetting your birthday" but also the way she ghosts you. Sorry you feel that way :/

[readyplayer001]

they aren't friends at all. real friend are people you know when you need them you can call, they remember your birthday etc

[kyleelyn199723]

Eh I forgot one of my friends birthdays this year and honestly I felt bad, but also I’ve been really busy in my life and I don’t really focus on peoples birthdays. She also forgot about mine so it’s pretty equal, but it happens

[Iron_Man]

I can understand exactly where you’re coming from this bothers me as well reading this question I’m sorry

[user1516]

I personally don’t get offended by it because they might have a whole ton of things going on in their lives. But it is a nice feeling knowing that they know your birthday.

[doopayo]

They don’t value the friendship as much as you do if they don’t even remember your birthday

[pleasestopthis]

They're clearly not that invested in this friendship. Stop reaching out for them, they can go f* themselves.

[EnglishEuropean]

I mean yeah because some people have a bad memory.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/29lAy8eSdpI

[Asianguy123]

I have a friend. he treats me for my birthday and I treat him his birthday. we both spend some money and thoughts. I don't think it's fair they treat you that way.

[jasco]

I mean its ok. People have lives outside of myself. If she/he forgets than it is what it is. Most of the time tho i tell people its my birth day

[MrJMM]

No, because they don't give a shit about you so... I mean nobody remembers my birthday except my family members and that's it.

[Fuentes]

I forget ppls birthdays especially if yours is a double digit the only way im reminded is through social media or snapchat if it announces it lol