When is Enough Enough when you Realize you need to Stop Enabling a Family Member who is AGAIN Homeless for the Second time?

Question

Family member Blew all of his Money, Acts Immature with every Decision and now Homeless in Another state with Another girlfriend. The enabling has Gone on for Years but Now I am Stopping it. Feeling Blue. What Would you Do? xx

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

We have a family member like this, though he has a few mental issues. Every single person has bent over backwards to get him to live with them, into a facility, into a home, given him money, gotten him jobs that were willing to work with his mental issues, and he just can't commit or stay put. So it's to the point where "we leave the light on," at his brothers house for him, and we let him know he can come back if he needs to, but the continual constant trying to find him and help him has stopped by all our family and extended family. From at least my families perspective, we had to stop feeling guilty because we didn't leave him out there, he's now choosing to be there outside of our reach and our help.  Some people don't want the help or to help themselves and in the case of those we help enable, that's on us, right, because we can say no but we often don't and wonder why we are so upset.

White_Widow · Accepted Answer

Sorry to hear this Paris.

If you ask me, I'd still help, but in other ways than handing out money or taking them into my home.

I'd seek counseling for him and organizations that could help him get back on his feet. If he would need any help in regards to that, I'd help out to get him there but other than that, he needs to learn to take care of himself and to get himself out of the mess he got himself into. I know it may sound harsh but it is what it is.

He needs to learn to stand on his own to feet. There will come a day that you or anyone else won't be there anymore, what then? So it's better if he learns now rather than later.

I wish you the best of luck Paris. Xxx

whosDmann · Accepted Answer

Well Paris, this could definitely sway in different ways... some people have a deep connection with their family member, siblings that had to grow up with only each other... there can be a sense of protection or knowing ur were the more... responsible one... u also might feel a little sorry for them knowing it would be hard.. Now , u dooo have the smart and able to to and provide for themselves take advantage of that!!🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️, sooo if ur feeling like you are just getting taking Advantage of... well then I think u know wut u have to do.. but if they are at least trying and nothing is working... then u might need to figure something out that hopefully benefits both of u guys..🤷‍♂️

Interstate · Accepted Answer

People can't change unless they help change themself. If they are repeating bad habits, it is time to step back and say to yourself that you did what you could. And the fact that despite the fact he went back to ruin himself a second time, he had no appreciation for your help in the first place.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

Ignore them honestly. I have an aunt who has done horrendous things to my grandparents (her mother) stolen, lied, pushed my grandma over, keyed their car. Then when everyone had finally had it with her she went and purposefully got herself pregnant. Managed to squeeze more and more money out of my grandparents, they gave her a car. Then again when they realized she was playing them she faked that she was homeless because a gang was after her and she had been put into witness protection. (Obviously a fat lie).

It's amazing how people can be manipulated over and over

Pj1981 · Answer

I'm always torn when it comes to this type of situation. I have been an enabler, and I have been enabled by others myself. I feel like there has to be a limit to how much or how far the enabling goes Paris. It's important to be there for a loved one but at the same time that very same loved one starts to expect your help while they are careless and they begin taking advantage of your kindness. That's when something needs to change. You know the person and you know if they are trying to do better or not. Don't feel bad. If you quit enabling they will figure it out on their own.

aquamarine321 · Answer

Sometimes we have struggles , some more than others , and it’s the human nature in use to feel tired and frustrated especially when make the same mistake repeatedly, some of us tend to learn fast from our mistakes while others don’t because of outside forces and internal struggles, but I also know that it most also come to a time when you have to let go of someone, not too much but a little because your health is also important. But when it is all said and done when they have finally learn and understand, it’s the person that help them the most and didn’t turn their backs on them they will be Thankful for, while for those who didn’t have anyone to love or look out for them tend to continue or even commit suicidal

menina · Answer

You should stop helping him. Sure it's hard because he's your family and you don't want to see him in a bad position. But that's exactly what he needs. I'm sure you have your own problems and bills to pay, you can't support him for the rest of his life. Besides maybe
This reminds me of one of my sisters, she puts herself in difficult situations when she knows she won't be able to solve her problems. She's always waiting for other people to solve it.

AmandaYVR · Answer

That's a tough situation. I've never had a family member like this.
Had a friend once who was really down on his luck, and things just seemed to pile on and get worse. He was homeless. He spent quite a long time crashing on peoples' couches.
It's not all just bad luck though. Decisions are made, often a series of them, that lead people to these situations. Not always, but often. Addicts will bleed a person dry. Ultimately you do have to stop the supply I guess.

RolandCuthbert · Answer

You do what you feel. If you want to help, help. If you want to cut him off, cut him off.

But stop torturing yourself for being a person with emotions and feelings. I lost two sisters this year. Maybe a family member who has issues is better than not having him around at all.

Desire-for-Greatness · Answer

You know the answer to this question more than any of us. Do you think he'll change? Can you change him? How can you change him?

You can use the push and pull method where you use softness and harshness to make him change for the better.

Set him up for success don't just give him money.

If you want to change something in him you have to change something in the way you treat him or what you do or say to him.

Don't give the same stimulus expecting a different result.

horatiohornblower · Answer

You can't just give money to help. You have to have strings attached to it. To compel them also work on themselves and provide proof. Any BS or arguments from them will end any help.

They have to want to and be willing to change. Otherwise you aren't helping.

purplepoppy · Answer

Enabling is the worst thing you can do because it stops people learning that actions have consequences.

t-8900 · Answer

Giving them anymore at this point would be like placing a needle in their hand. What you are doing is nudging them into rehab. I'm being figurative here but you get my meaning. You tried but of they won't try then you need to just keep your distance band encourage them to improve

Jamie05rhs · Answer

That's a really tough situation, Paris. Some people just don't know how to manage money, and they won't listen to you when you try to help them. Definitely don't ever give them money. They need to learn to manage the money that they have. If they can't do that -- if they refuse to do that -- sometimes you just have to let them suffer the consequences.

But find out if he has an addiction, and try to recommend resources and point him in the right direction to find help.

humanearth · Answer

Don't give in, hold your ground. Its time for them to live their life they chosen.

Its time to sink or swim.

I was once homeless in 1990. You have to learn on your own.

So in my book, stop being a Democrat and giving handouts. Time to be a Republican and make them earn their way

Massageman · Answer

What would I do?  For the feeling blue part? maybe play the piano or organ for a while - very cathartic. For the enabling part? Stop doing it! Just STOP IT!

Lliam · Answer

Stop enabling, Paris. You're a good person. You've done what you can do. But enough is enough.
In the end, it's impossible to help someone who won't help themself. Allowing them to suck you dry isn't beneficial to anyone.

FreyaRed · Answer

You waited for too long. The sooner they confront reality, the higher is their chance to become self-sufficient.
I would buy a random person something to eat if the person asks me, but I will never give a beggar money. It's against my codex.

jshm2 · Answer

You need your fucking head checked more than them, Paris. They clearly have multiple issues and here you are trying to score points from their sorrow. You're the real vampire in the relationship.

AviatorTom · Answer

Family is family... you can't abandon them. Don't enable them to become homeless again... Help them get the help they need, then step aside. What a person does with their life is their own responsibility.

MotorcycleMan · Answer

Sometimes helping isn't helping. Time for a little tough love. If you keep helping someone out of the situations they get into from bad decisions, why change?

Fireguy17 · Answer

you can only help so much.
If you keep helping, he will drag you down with him. Tough love, hopefully if no one keeps bailing him out he will/may learn to make better life choices since no one is there to keep helping him out.

Albino010 · Answer

I think by noe you are "authorized" to not care about it anymore. Unless he comes up with a really good explanation for it, you should let him fend for himself.

Wiredone · Answer

It's time for some tough love. He has to pay for his consequences. It's hard to say no to family members but if he can't take care of himself and be responsible now you will be helping him for the rest of his life.

Likes2drive · Answer

Yeah if they keep repeating the same thing and people keep helping them then they never learn but since it’s family you might have to give them a choice of them staying over out of the cold or going to a shelter

KieranByrne · Answer

Stop enabling, this is a lesson I have to learn and will learn with people who ask me for money! This is a lesson a friend of mine also needs to learn, even though we still talk!

Lynx122 · Answer

Don't help him and he'll learn. Stay strong Paris :)

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Remind yourself that tough love IS love and enabling is NOT a loving thing to do.

RebeccaBI2000 · Answer

I have learned, some people have to fall down, to actually learn.

Dchrls78104 · Answer

Enabling someone like this may affect you, too, as you find yourself becoming directly involved in his problems. At this point it is DEFINITELY the time to cut the cord.

exitseven · Answer

You are doing the right thing. Remember the three strikes rule. Three strikes and you're out.

zagor · Answer

My family is having a similar situation with a member who has repeatedly seemed to be getting their act together, only to fall back into addiction.

collie22 · Answer

i've been around that in our family. i was too young to do anything. Not enabling is the way but it must be heard

Anonymous · Answer

Just live in Van.
It's about 500 dollars a month.
Get you 18-24 inch tv.
20 planet fitness gym member ship to shows and work out.
Cooler and ice to keep food cold.
And you can pay for wifi from your phone providers

darkcloud1945 · Answer

He is a different type abused than the other types. Stick to the hard love otherwise he will keep doing it

EaterPeter · Answer

Two or three times is enough or may be even very first time. Depends on how much more of the liability one can carry or tolerate

Yourfriend2021 · Answer

Stop enabling and don't feel blue, you have friends :)

Iron_Man · Answer

I guess move him into your house set rules and restrictions

Wise4myage · Answer

Now is the time to stop Paris, because he's not gonna change.

Soleil7001 · Answer

Others are in in it too. You don't have to participate

noohair · Answer

It could be a mental illness, spending all the money might be bi-polar.

Manuel2 · Answer

If not their fault, but put the rules down. The three strike rule

Turbski · Answer

You're a dumbass, you're not benefitting from this at all and if the habits are constant then well use you're common sense.

Willoughby23 · Answer

He needs to find his own way. Enough is enough paris!!!

Anonymous · Answer

Fuck even homeless guys have girlfriends and I don’t haha

Anonymous · Answer

Lao Tsu said that if you give a hungry man a fish, you feed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

douride2 · Answer

It's hard to do but probably the best option.

worldscolide · Answer

I'd do the same in your shoes.

Swordnen · Answer

All we have is family, help her/him change

MrOracle · Answer

Tough love, Paris!

Cubus · Answer

It's a tough one.

Gwenhwyfar · Answer

Absolutely, Paris

Tim-loves-it · Answer

"you're on your own! sorry!"

jimmy2 · Answer

Thats where tough love comes in

When is Enough Enough when you Realize you need to Stop Enabling a Family Member who is AGAIN Homeless for the Second time?

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