Do you cope with losses/deaths well? How do you cope?

Question

Ah…I know this question is out of the ordinary for me, but this one will be kinda a rant.
I usually keep my composure with deaths and bounce back fairly quick, but I really hate falling into a deep depression after losses. I try to cope by distracting myself and do things that keep my mind busy.

As some of you know, I am a caregiver for elderly and special needs clients. When working with elderly, you see clients slowly deteriorate. It hurts your soul because your main purpose is to help them live life a bit easier as they age.
I had a client I was close with who I formed a “great granddaughter-great grandmother” relationship with. We got along well and I saw her almost daily for long hours a day. I just got informed that she passed away, and I haven’t stopped crying. The last text message she sent to me was, “And I love you too great grand daughter.”

I just want to know, do you cope with losses/deaths well? And what are some ways that helped you cope with losses/deaths?

*Serious answers only would be appreciated...*

VinnyMac · Accepted Answer

This is a tough question to answer. When I was younger I didn't really think much or know how to manage death because I hadn't really been through that much loss.

I went away to School after I graduated for a one year program and when I came back I turned 19 that summer. I had a good Birthday and that was the last time I saw my Dad. He lived a couple hours from the town that I was living in. Near the end of the month following my Birthday he was was traveling to come visit my brother and I on his his motorcycle and died in an accident. I was raised in Foster Care and my Foster Parents were away on vacation. I didn't find out what had happened till 4 days after. I got a call from My Foster Parent's Daughter-in-Law who didn't know that I didn't know, so that was away to find out about things. They felt that I should come stay with them for a while until my Foster Parent's returned from their trip. Not long after that I got a call from a classmate that I went to College with and he told me that my former roommate and his Dad had past away in a truck accident. It's really hard when you lose someone for any reason.

I've found closure from grief may be the only way to cope and heal. I wasn't able to make it to either funeral and that was one of the things that made things tough. My friend lived far far away and my Grandma had my Dad's in another Province where she lived. I lived alone at the time and had not talked to biological Mom in years and my brother and I were distant.

I did not cope with either death very well. I guess I didn't mention that I had gone to school at Bible School. That was kind of the point that really tested my faith and had me question why things happen the way they do and doubt God. It was a pretty depressing time. I had quit my job and life was just kind of mess. I don't think that the way people cope is different for everybody and the hardest part is that we never forget.

I think what got me through those times was finding people I trusted and was close to and trying to talk about my emotions, feelings and good memories that I had. Things will be hard for a long time, but having others to surround ourselves with makes it easier to move on.

HighlyVolatile · Accepted Answer

What I find is that I deceptively appear to most people as though I cope extremely well. I can resume my daily life and activities as though nothing happened within days. If I get upset, I bounce back from it at an alarming speed with a smile on my face trying to find the silver lining in the clouds.

That latter strategy actually works perfectly well for most daily stresses in life. I'm quite resilient to such stresses and generally don't stay down for long periods of time by reframing my negative thoughts towards the positive and productive. In those cases, I think I'm actually succeeding at putting a positive spin on things even as far as my subconscious by consciously reframing my thought patterns.

Yet for traumatic things like the loss of a loved one, I think I'm not doing it right. It's like something is wrong that I'm able to smile so soon after and go on as though nothing happened, and there is something wrong that I can't quite place. It affects my behavior in sporadic ways like extreme impatience over something very small that usually doesn't get to me or intoxicated outbursts that come out of the blue where I can't even recognize myself at that moment.

So I think my attempts to reframe towards the positive aren't quite working at the subconscious level in those cases. I become broken but in sporadic ways for a good period of time even if I don't seem to go through the ordinary five stages of grief.

AmericanxIdiot05 · Accepted Answer

I've lost 3 people this year and ironically 2 last year already and I gotta say, my way of coping is terrible.
Usually I will bottle my emotions up or feel I'm not worthy enough to cry about the person so I just end up making myself way more depressed than need to be. For instance we had close friend die and I was in denial, of course another way of coping for me is jokes, and I had to go to school the next day, so I was fine up until I actually admitted it outloud to the teacher, and then I actually realized I won't ever be able to see that person again and it just hit hard for me so it was really hard keeping composer up until I had to ask a lady I knew, if she has a good way of coping. Same goes for when my mom was in the hospital last year. I felt downright depressed but i really tried to mask it with happiness and so I constantly made jokes, thankfully my friends knew the situation so they helped me the best they could. But needless to say, don't bottle your emotions about it and whether you knew that person an hour or a couple years, they had an impact on your life and so you shouldn't invalidate your emotions because someone has a closer relationship or knew them longer than you have.
I hope all of this makes sense

SueShe · Accepted Answer

I feel for you and I do feel sorry for you, even though this person was not a close family member.

You don't have to have a close family member to feel the sorrow and sadness. Your story is the best proof. As soon as you are close to a person, the loss leaves you in the same state of helplessness, like a big hole opening at your feet and dragging you down.

I did lose someone close and it took me a long time to eventually get over the loss. That does not mean that I forgot the person but life took over.

What you need to do is to talk with someone that has the capability to listen, someone that is empathic and understanding to other people's sorrow. But you can also try to get your mind off negative thoughts by taking up a hobby or joining a club where you can meet people that will eventually absorb so much of your energy that your thoughts will be diverted progressively.

It will not happen tomorrow or the day after but life will resume slowly where you left it before this dreadful news caught up with you. Good luck.

Lliam · Answer

When my mom died, I bawled when I was alone until I was cried out. For many days or weeks afterwards, my guts ached as if they had been kicked out. When alone, there were times when I doubled over and cried. In public, I maintained my composure and tried to act like I was fine. Keeping busy with work helped me to keep going.
I put a memento in her coffin with her. I custom designed her headstone.
Time ran its course and the unbearable anguish faded. I still miss her, but I treasure the memories of my life with her.

I had a cat that I had rescued moments from certain death from the center of a busy highway. She was only 5 weeks old. My wife and I had only been married for a couple of months. Rosie turned out to be the best girl. We moved three times with her. Once she reached her late teens, we dreaded losing her because we loved her so much. She finally passed away peacefully on the sofa as I kept her company at almost exactly 22 years old. I cried so hard. I found a nice box, made a bed in it with one of her small blankets, and settled her in it as she was sleeping. We had two rose bushes in our yard but it was December. One bush was bare. The other was in a far area of our yard. I walked out to check, and there was one flower on it - a perfect red and yellow rose for our girl. The universe and that bush had given Rosie a gift. I placed in in the box with her. When my wife got home, we closed the box and held a small ceremony when we buried Rosie in a corner of our yard. I put a beautiful pink quartz stone on it as a marker. I still ache when I think of her, but the memories of that dear, funny girl are so dear. And we have some wonderful photos of her growing up.

Anonymous · Answer

I don’t know… I have lost a fair amount of people in my life but honestly…people would question what would give me the courage to say it but my grandfather died and I was soo sad and hurt but at the funeral two things made me laugh. Some women who cared for my Grandad, her reaction when it was her time to see him in the open casket, she skipped onto the casket making it lean. She was shaking like she caught the Holy Ghost and seriously the confusion on my face, I couldn’t be more expressing than in that moment. It was like an insult but then I’m only saying it because I know her better and I’ve heard stuff about her within the family but anyway that’s besides the point. Then when it came to our time to see our grandad I was so scared but when we peeped him laying there my sister looked at me confused. We both had the same look and ofc he did not look the same. Ofc it’s obvious but like it’s not normal seeing dead relatives in a casket… he looked soo unrecognisable and we almost laughed. We just held it until we left up outta there and I felt ashamed but I couldn’t help it

Emogirl999 · Answer

When my father died I locked myself in my room and isolated myself from everyone, I'd avoid talking about it or thinking about it and just tried to keep myself distracted as much as possible, if I ever thought about him I'd just break down and not be able to put myself back together for a long time. It wasn't healthy for me to handle it that way because since I was suppressing my feelings they started popping up in different ways, for years I suffered from horrific nightmares that just broke me more and more. It's been almost 5 years now since he died, the nightmares stopped about a year and a half ago but I still can't think about him or talk about him without crying, whenever I hear a song or watch a movie that has someone losing a loved one I still break down, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to but i dont think it will ever stop hurting. Back to the question, I tend to cope with most things by keeping myself in a semi state of denial, it's not healthy but I can't function any other way.

DonkeyDan · Answer

The first few deaths of close family and freinds are the hardest, my grandfather died when I was 17, and that hit me really hard, especially as I was becoming increasingly estranged with ny immediate family at that point.

I came to realise over time that I was grieving for me and not them, they were the ones out of pain now and in a better place. I was sad because I'd never see them again and I was the one left behind, but I realised that they were always in my heart and I could speak to them anytime I wanted.

Death is never easy to deal with and making yourself busy to keep you occupied is good, but you have to allow yourself that time to grieve.

Only 2 years ago I lost a close friend just before the pandemic hit, and I honestly was a bit of a mess for a couple of days, because it was just so unfair, those are the hardest deaths to deal if they are unexpected.

I've found that writing a letter to the person helps, say everything you'd want to say to the person and let it flow on to the page, I find hand writing this is far more effective than typing it. It allows you to process you thoughts and feelings as it flows from your hand.

The only other thing I can say is that death becones easier the older you get and the more you are exposed to it, but every now and then one will come up that will sideswipe you ♥️

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Answer

I don’t think so…

My lovely grandpa passed away in November after fighting with Covid and it was so unexpected for me, I was crying almost everyday for two months to the points where my eyes got swollen and each tear hurt a lot.

I did some crazy things as well, went out on balcony naked at midnight in December m, just so I could feel the coldness my grandpa was surrounded with.

I felt guilty for each night I was in a warm bed, so I would get up and lay on the floor instead, the feeling of cold gave me the feeling of relief.

I talked to him every night before sleeping and when I visited his grave, I was kissing the ground so that I could feel the closeness to him again.
I even sang to him the song we used to sing together.

It was hard… It was hard to the point that my mom, daughter if my grandpa, worried a lot about my mental state. But I recovered.
It’s not like it’s not painful anymore… It is…

Sometimes the realization that he’s gone hits me again and I get shocked again and again, I open my phone and kiss his pictures.

The world is an empty place without him. I just try to find him within myself, I try to sing a song when I think of him, think of a good memory with him and most importantly, remember his words, he said life is so cruel sometimes, we lose so many loved ones throughout life that if we grieve too much, we will die young with heart attack. So he gave advice to my mom, eon’t grieve too much. I try to follow his advice now. He has a sacred place in my heart and he didn’t pass away, he just turned into the state of existing forever, within me…

I start loving myself more these days, because I think there’s some part of him in me and I don’t have a right to not respect or love myself, cause I am a continuation of him in a sense… And the best way I can respect his life is love myself and fight for happiness.

DaveToo · Answer

My life has seen far too many deaths, both in my family and from outside the family. I lost two classmates early in the school I attended. I lost my dad when I was seventeen. I've lost 3 of my close cousins. When in the service I lost as many as I saved. Each death hurts me to the core. We lost our middle child, and I lost my wife in 1988. You speak of tending to the elderly, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm classified as elderly at 76. I don't plan on kicking the bucket anytime soon, but with a heart condition and diabetes, even under control, they pose a daily threat. How do I deal with death? Having BEEN dead three times in my lifetime, I understand what that process is. It doesn't scare me. It's the process of actually getting to that point that I'm not a fan of. I see death as a part of life, and while you may not LIKE your life, it's the only one you've been given, so there's no use in fretting over it. Just know that when one dies, whether it's endorphins or an act of some God, they really ARE in a better place. The body is merely a vessel to haul around our essence. Once it dies it eventually turns to dust.

SaoirseS · Answer

I'm a funeral home operator, I deal with those going through the immediate aftermath of a loved one's death, but I claim no expertise. As I've learned, however, how we grieve is sometimes as unique to us as our fingerprints or DNA. We memorialize, start a tradition in their memory, or we do things that remind us of those we lost (hopefully those things that put a smile on our face). This might help for the near term:
Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: The Least You Need to Know - GirlsAskGuys

Anonymous · Answer

I lost my dad about 6 months ago. He died of a sickness, not naturally, he was sick for nearly 2 years and he deteriorated and it was hard watching him get worse. It is an entirely different thing to just hear that a person died one day and watching the person die step by step of a sickness, seeing the suffering in their eyes. He eventually died while seeking treatment and I had to attend the burial, had to rush back for my exams as soon as the burial was over and learned to deal with it I guess, but somehow, the pain never really left, it was more like I was just trapped in a cycle of pain and I couldn’t get out.

I remember the day it happened, my heart broke in a thousand pieces and I just remember clutching my chest. Back to your question, dealing with it? I wrote, I wrote poetry about how I felt. I wrote them to myself and majorly discarded them, but at some point, I left it open I remember my hands shaking as I typed, I felt way too vulnerable. But when I did, I felt this huge wave of freedom. I as recommend bye bye by Mariah Carey. Surround yourself with friends loved ones but set out time for yourself too. If you practice any religion, pray. Write letters to her and keep them or burn them. 6 months now since he died and I’m doing great, I’m in that hopeful place.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Mostly. I lost mother 2 years back and a cat recently. Everyone has to process the way they can according to how their heart and mind works.

Focusing on the good of their life be the loss helps. Living fully in the moment helps to prepare for that day. Faith in god Christ helps … that’s one of the main purposes of religion to deal with the unknown. The rest is tears and time processing reality and turning the loss into more love.
I was amazed how caregivers did what they did… that’s a special calling to care for people facing life’s end… have their heart in it to comfort but not be ruined by the daily grind of life.

TrueConfection · Answer

I usually cope well. I accept it as part of life. I lost my brother when we were teens and it was never easy to live without him. Last year I lost 4 people and two of them were in the same week. I thought I was coping, but my body couldn't keep up. I collapsed and ended up in the E. R. I kept that a secret from everyone but my husband. I barely made it through the funerals. I can't think about it much or my sides start splitting. Anyway, my head seems to be able to cope, but my body calls bs so I find ways to distract myself.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Yeah I do, the first death is always the worst.

after you hit double figures you sort of become numb.

I tend to put them all in one place and lock it up.

every new year I find some place quiet and raise a glass to them.

during lockdown one of the lads I served with and worked with for years, died in his sleep.

not getting to his funeral was a bitch.

we did have a ‘burial’ for him after lockdown

we all brought something that was linked to him and buried them at a place he liked.

DarkWinterNights · Answer

I used to think I had hardened myself against being too affected by death. But it has been a very long time since I lost someone close to me. The recent passing of my cat really broke me. I never imagined I could love an animal so much. My dad’s health has been deteriorating lately too and I’m struggling to come to grips with mortality.

AndrésC64 · Answer

I don't deal with them well at all. Actually, I don't really deal with them, that's my problem. I just ignore them and stuff everything down inside, so that I never grieve. I think the reason I do this is that I don't want to feel that way and I'm afraid if I do allow myself to feel those feelings that I will breakdown and not really be in control. I just don't want I feel like that. So I keep ignoring it and stuffing it down inside until it starts to bubble up again. It sounds like you're dealing with it better than I am, in that you're actually allowing yourself to feel. I was just talking with my therapist about this today.

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

I wish I knew, I'm not very good at it. I had a first nations Uncle stuck in Canada when Covid hit and he got sick, they put him on a waiting list, with their so called socialized health care and he died while waiting for treatment.

Had the border not been closed he would most likely still be alive, as he was trying to get to the states down here for what he called better healthcare. He often came to the states in the past for healthcare rather than be on waiting lists in Canada.

Never got to attend his funeral either, most of his children didn't either. I miss him, as we got a long pretty good.

Mostly here to see what others say about how to deal with it.

Ian69 · Answer

I found this out when I lost my parents. My dad passed away first, but he was ill with vascular dementia, so it was expected. So I was able to start my grieving process then knowing full well he wouldn’t get any better. When the dementia increase’s you lose the person you knew as your dad, but I still loved him to the day he passed away. But my mom went very suddenly, Just a few months later, I think she died of a broken heart, and that was the hardest to face. You are then left with a big hole/void you just can’t fill. It wasn’t till after the funeral, I was reading a letter from my auntie (my late dad’s sister) it hit home. And I don’t mind admitting, I sobbed my heart out. But I think it did me good, because I’m left with all my memories of them both. So basically you just learn to live with it, I still have my off days, but they say time is a great healer.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

It is rough. I just lost my mom in January and she was very elderly. You have to be a special person for doing what you do. It is hard to see them slowly decline over the years. Thank you for your service to the elderly!! I mean that!

exitseven · Answer

My father died unexpectedly. I never thought of him as old. I was in graduate school and I was really struggling with it. He died right before mid term exams. I did not know how I was going to deal with his passing and also mid term exams.
I just tried to channel him and knew how he would be telling me not to be a pussy and pass the damn tests. I passed the tests and went om to graduate. I sort of did it for him.

sirderpsalot123 · Answer

I have lost enough people to know that you never really get over it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, or what I'm talking about; these people are always in the back of my mind. I cope by reminding myself that I was lucky enough to know them and have them in my life for as long as I did. Not everyone had that privilege.

Squiggles88 · Answer

As someone who has lost an aunt, two friends and an ex the last year I can tell you I just keep myself busy. Spend more time with the people I love, make the most of every second and work on leaving a legacy for myself. It's a cold reminder of how fragile life is and to live it to the fullest. Travel, support the people you care about, live healthily and love endlessly. Take self care days. You never know what will happen so live every day as if it's your last

talka20 · Answer

First of all my condolences... hope u get back to all fine soon... so i personally dont get depressed on such situations but i do cry more or less depending on how close that person was or how important... if possible for me, i do go to their grave often on first few days after they are no more... n get back to normal too but for long term id say i do remember them randomly some day i miss them for little while and maybe get a tear or two n pray for them in that moment n then back to normal like nothing happened. I dont do anything to cope w it purposely it just happens by itself for me.

Do you cope with losses/deaths well? How do you cope?

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