Have you ever lost someone? Despite the years that past, do you have days where you badly miss them and have moments where you feel you've forgotten bits of them? What are ways that work for you in coping and still keeping that loved one's memory alive?
Though it's been close to 15 years that my mum has passed - I was 9, my brother was 13. There's days where I miss her terribly and feel that her memories are so distant. With covid restrictions not being fully lifted and cemeteries still closed as well as parks, my family and I haven't been able to visit her grave this past Mother's day or for her birthday, nor enjoy nature as she did before her passing. With being quarantined with just my old man since late March - 2 people plus a dog has felt so lonely and I can't help but wish my dad would find love again. With recently ending things with my boyfriend, not being able to see my girlfriends nor my sis in law has drove me in a puddle of emotions with not having a female at home to spew my emotions to. Work has been overly stressful and I've been more sensitive than usual towards conversations of death, it's been hard as a best friend of mine/coworker had recently lost her brother earlier this week to cancer and she's been confiding in me. I recently had my online commencement for receiving my certification in completing an onocological nursing program which is making me wish my mum could see how far I've come as I got into nursing and the program in honor of her. I have been going through photos, reading letters she wrote me, but it's not enough.
aicarg, I don't know what advice I could give to you. This is certainly not an area of strength for me.
I have been to about three funerals now, but they were not people close to me. I went to support my husband's family. He was not close to them either, it was a family duty. Most of the speeches were in another language and this made it all the more difficult to take in what really mattered. What matters is the memories, especially the fond ones, not the church architecture and the arrangements of flowers, or the light streaming in from the glass windows high above. I sat silently and tried not to break apart for them, but it is impossible for me, even when only understanding the occasional "Opa..." as the grandkids' voices broke loudly into the microphone.
And when the time came for the procession, the shaking of the hands, and the hugs, after the open-coffin viewings, all I could do was fight back the tears for these almost-strangers and their loss. Seeing all that pain is really just too much for me.
When my own grandparents' time came (three of them), I cried for all of them, though I was in another country each time (yet another missing link in a life marrying someone far away from your roots.) I wrote a speech for one, but was told it didn't pass approval, given all the others who were present, and wanted to speak, and because my one grandmother never cared for me. A harsh blow, given how heartfelt the intention was.
When I think of funerals, I shun the philosophical idea of making it celebratory (of their life, not their death), with upbeat music and raucous laughs. I understand this, but I couldn't possibly muster it, myself. I think of W. H. Auden and his 'Funeral Blues.' A breathtaking poem, remembering the dearest of loved ones... so personal, yet abstract enough to apply to the pain that so many feel.
How do I deal with loss? I don't. I'm an absolute disaster at it. I cry for the loss of my dear pets (Pandora, Cleo, Max, Charlie, Foxy, Clover, and all the many others...), for the great thinkers and humanitarians like Anthony Bourdain, and for all the goodbyes to the people of my past, or even my present but who live too far away to physically see or touch. And for others, like you, who struggles to find a way to carry on. I have no idea how one does this. But the others are right, I'm sure she is proud. She made you, and she will live on in your memory, an important person in the world, even if it is not entirely the world of today.
@AmandaYVR Thanks for taking the time to respond tough you mentioned this isn't an area of strength.
I'm sorry for all of your losses, especially that of your grandma's. I hope that eventhough she shared opposing feelings towards you and you didn't get to share as a part if her eulogy, that you don't have bitter feelings towards her.
And yeah, my mum's funeral was an emotional, yet memorable one celebrating her life - a lovely slide show was played to show snippets of how she loved life inspite of her failing body, she also left a touching video she recorded, and I vividly remember singing "You'll Be In My Heart" - Phil Collins, and trying my best to not choke up as I saw people get teary.
Thank you so much though for the reminder that I'm allowed to cry and not feel okay, as well as saying that I'm a living memory/product of my mum - I can't tell you how much those words really touched me.
Yep. I one of my friends to suicide back in September. It was, so traumatic I’ve been seeing a therapist on and off since. The way I coped with it, besides getting therapy, is just letting myself grieve.
What you have described above is all normal and part of the process. You have days when you’re great, and days when you’re not so great and that’s ok. Just be kind to yourself and don’t pressure on yourself to feel okay when you’re not. Another thing I find helpful is writing letters. If there’s something I want to tell my friend or a question I would have liked to ask her, I write it down and address it to her. I have a box filled with letters to her. It gives me great comfort in the sense it’s like keeping in contact with her.
I hope this helps and I’m so sorry for your loss x
@CapricornHoney thanks for leaving a thought out reply. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and hope that you've been able to carry their spirit with loving memories that you shared.
Thanks for the reminder that I'm allowed to have my rough days and not feel "okay". And yes, writing letters is a form of therapy I also do. ❤
Your sorrows pain me little one. i know you are older now but I do sympathize with the little girl inside of you. I lost my brother many years ago when he took his life. For the first 10 years I didn't mourn I just got into heavy drugs. It's been a long time since and sober for a long time. It was then is when I felt the pain still there. So I have figured out a way to let go and move on. I allowed myself to cry when I felt I needed to cry. I feel he is happier now and being loved. I know he deserves that and so does your beautiful mother. I believe in God as our Creator Lord in Heaven. His promise is to love us and to hold us. He also says all who believe in Him will be given the Holy Spirit to be assigned to us personally. I want to believe my brother is mine and your Mother is yours and this means she is with you right along your side RIGHT NOW holding you loving you protecting you.
Accept the loss as a fraction of time. I know it doesn't feel like that but your mother was right there celebrating with you and encouraging you throughout all your accomplishments and times of sorrow there to comfort you that you do not feel more pain than you already feel. You are distracted at times of sorrow by daily life and that is all on purpose. So know you mommy is still there right next to her talk to her ask her questions love her as you do as if she was in person. When you hug your pillow you are hugging her.
YOU ARE LOVED. I feel that come through me from her. Yeah you are most definatlty loved kiddo.
@standingUP thanks for taking the time to reply with your personal experience and such thoughtfulness in your words. Reading what you wrote, letting it marinate through, really got to me and was something I needed. So thank you, and you stay blessed too.
When I was twenty I lost my girlfriend to an accident we had we were hit by a truck while standing outside the car in the emergency lane on the freeway it was sudden and I didn't get to say goodbye I kicked my own ass on jowvi could have saved her and it took me a long time for it to be different I still think about her but in December I lost my wife I'm 47 years old she was 48 the day after her birthday in December we were together 20 years went out for 2 and 1/2 and we're married for 17 and a half wasn't part of our plan bird-b-gone people keep telling me to be strong I'm not that strong you can tell me if she's in a better place the fuck do you know? so she doesn't feel any pain how the fuck do you know? you know something i don't? Everywhere I go everything I do just a reminder of her can drive down the street without I still live in the same apartment but I need to move but I don't think I can how do I cope with this I'm not sure how I'm coping with this distracting myself as much as I can I have a philosophy that if you stay mad you can't be sad and I have a temper and I can get mad but I don't to think I can conjour enough mad to comat this kind of sad. They say people can die from a broken heart, now I think i get what they mean.
I can totally relate with you, this confinement has been really hard for me as well. I lost my mother at 19 years old, my sister was 17 years old. She past away suddenly. Coming from a broken family It was not easy. I had to get out from the little cocoon in which my mom grew me up and take care of my sister. It was not easy.. Depression, lost and fearful of what the future holds. We survived through it all and nearly 6 years later we learnt living again but that does not mean that we never forget her, just like you I wish she was present for my graduation, i wish I could share so many things with her, I wish she was just here because no one other than a mother has your best interest at heart. if my mother has the choice to stay or leave with her daughters, without a doubt she would have chose to stay but ultimately it was not in her hands.
This confinement has been hard for me too.. It reminded me so much of the moment when I underwent depression and made me sensitive as well.
I don't have a boyfriend yet but I think someone who comes from similar situation... will understand me better than any other person. Do visit your mother's grave after the confiment. You will feel good.
We never overcome the lost of a parent.. We simply learn to leave with it. Till this day I cry and I live with the regret that I just wish my mother told me 'I am going now, you be a good girl'
Your experience made you a strong woman. Keep going. I wish you the very best 💐 Take care
I can totally relate with you, this confinement has been really hard for me as well. I lost my mother at 19 years old, my sister was 17 years old. She passed away suddenly. Coming from a broken family, it was not easy. I had to get out from the little cocoon in which my mom grew me up and take care of my sister. Depression, lost and fearful of what the future holds hit us hard. We survived through it all and nearly 6 years later we learnt living again but that does not mean that we forgot her. Just like you, I wish she was present for my graduation, i wish I could share so many things with her, I wish she was just here because no one other than a mother has your best interest at heart. if my mother had the choice to stay with her daughters or leave , without a doubt she would have choose to stay but ultimately it was not in her hands.
This confinement has been really tough for me too.. It reminded me so much of the moment when I underwent depression and made me sensitive as well.
I don't have a boyfriend yet but I think someone who comes from similar situation... will understand me better than anyone. Do visit your mother's grave after the confiment. You will feel good.
We never overcome the lost of a parent.. We simply learn to leave with it. Till this day I cry and live with the regret that I just wish my mother told me 'I am going now, you be a good girl'. Your experience made you a strong woman. Keep going. I wish you the very best Take care💐 P. S your mom was a beautiful woman.. Do message me if u feel like talking. 🙂
First off, I’m sorry for you your loss. I can tell your mom was an angel and she loved you. I understand what you’re going through and it’s not easy. I guess my way of coping is to first accept the pain, which obviously you have since it’s been 15 years. After accepting the pain and that it will always be there, I cherish the memories and do all I can to make my loved one who passed away proud of me, and you have done that too with your background and how much you have achieved, especially in times like this. I like to keep my loved ones in my prayers and when I pray I feel close to them and that makes me feel better. Your mom might have passed away but her memory will love forever through you and your brother and you’re making her proud up there and she watches over you both. I don't know if my answer would give you any solace or peace of mind, but venting off what inside you is also important, whether it’s on GaG, with friends, family, etc.
@Marco10 thanks for taking the time to reply ❤ She indeed was a special soul. I do try my best in holding onto her memory and keep her in mind with and when making the more significant choices I make in my life. It's just been hard as through spirit I don't feel like strongly hear or feel her as I use to.
That’s okay, remember we’re all human after all and it’s okay to be weak every once in a while. What’s important though is to always know that you’re a survivor. You can message too if it makes you feel better when you’re weak!
Sorry for your loss. Yes it is rough and I'm not sure I have any answers. I lost my dad when I was 19 and my attitude at the time was that I had no choice but to cope with it. Now, decades later, my mom is very elderly and I wouldn't expect her to be around another year. So I'm wondering how I am going to deal with it.
Last summer I lost a close friend from cancer. He was a remarkable person and he was blind all his life but in spite of that, he was a lawyer and raised a family. I'm still struggling with that a bit. I was on jury duty last January and I had a tough time with it as he and I would have lunch in the cafeteria at the courthouse, and I went in the cafeteria to have lunch and the employees there recognized me. I had to leave as I couldn't handle it emotionally.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your mum was beautiful as are you and she is definitely proud of you ❤️
If you ever feel like talking, you can message me anytime.
I’ve been lucky enough to not lose someone close to me to death but it does scare me. I don’t get on with my mum and I don’t have really have a relationship with her, that’s something I’ll live with forever.
The only loss I’ve felt is of losing friends or boyfriends from my life because that’s just how life is. It’s not comparable to what you describe or losing someone to death.
It’s okay to not always okay, we wouldn’t be human otherwise, it’s alright to let yourself be sad and cry as long as you remember to pick yourself back up. Don’t feel like you’re alone, there’s people that care for you everywhere ❤️
Yeah I have lost someone, my best friend died beginning of this year and it wasn't easy, temporarily drove me to start drinking again, made me break down for a few days. It wasn't pretty.
But it got easier with time and I keep his memory alive by remember all the good times I had with him. And making sure I achieve my goals an have a good life because I know that's what he wanted for me.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend @Phoenix98 and I can relate with you on turning to unhealthy vices when feeling emotional. And thanks for the reminder in always keeping my goals aligned and living a fulfilling life in honor of her ❤
Girls from my bible group at school told me God comforted them and filled their hearts with HIs presence after their boyfriends left them so they were able to control their relationships and didn't jump to another guy to fill that void - I've told others on this site - God can cover your heart and help you cope with loneliness - God's love is even better than the love of the best mother in the world and God can unite. you two in heaven one day 80 years from now so don't feel guilty about feeling better
No I never experienced such loss si I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through. My mum is my rock I hope I never lose her😅🙊 It's really understandable that you are feeling that low. Maybe try online counselling if you can't go see a specialist directly because of the pandemic. You need to let it out. It's okay to feel sad sometimes and it's okay to cry. But remember that there will be better days:) Take care ^^
When I was younger I lost my grandfather.. And recently 4 years ago we lost my mother in law, and about a month ago I lost my father in law..
My wife asked me why I don't cry, and why I refused to see the bodies... I told her that I don't believe in being sad about death, and I refused to see the body because to me the body is not the person we lost any more it's, it's just an empty shell.
I just lay things in Gods hands and take it from there I lost my Mom Nov 10, 2003, and she was only age 58 she could still been here , I'm sorry for your loss -Hugs-
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I know the feeling. All of my grandparents have been gone for year and I lost my dad 20 years ago and my mom 8 years ago. It will stay with you for life, that's not something that ever leaves you.
Just know you're not alone. A video I'm posting here, it absolutely sucked all the wind out of my cells, yes it put me in tears.
I lost my best friend at the start of the covid-19 outbreak, and I find myself dissociating on a weekly basis thinking of him. I don’t think grief ever really gets easier.
@Aakash_Hangargi I frequently hear from a handful of people that I've grown to look and resemble my mum, I'm glad that I can somewhat embody her, but don't find myself close to being the person she once was.
The thing is you have defently adapted all charecteristics of your mom but you won't be able to see it, and others will who knew your mom and it will also take time to reflect some qualities by age the way i look at it is like you are her Mini version and by age you will be exactly like her 🙂👍🎉💐
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