Family & Friends

Is it ok to still feel trashy at times?

I'm already 25 years old but once in a while, I think about it. I was 13/14 at the time. She is my long-term friend but still, I can't believe that was me back then.

My story as a former mean girl:
I've judged her too soon. A couple friends and I were so mean to her, mainly me. At some point, she fought me back. I can't say it wasn't deserved. It was. We were at the principal's office and forced to settle our differences or be suspended. My initial apology and handshake was insincere and she really thought we were now friends. I just wanted to avoid trouble and if I had to fake a friendship so what. I still dreaded speaking to her.

To make matter worse, the girl's mother was my mother's friend and co-worker. I was practically forced to one day bring her homework home (she was sick that day). That's when I learned her full story. Her parents really thought I was her helpful friend and they shared the most saddest story every. First it was about her having Asperger syndrome (I never knew what that was), their hard life of new immigrants, her losing her oldest brother when he was just 20 (that couple's first child) to suicide, etc. Then the mother started crying because I was the only friend from school that visited them. It was too much for my young mind to handle without crying. I had trouble sleeping after that visit and everything her parents told me; I thought about it too much that I forgot about the intial fake friendship thing; it became real and permanent. I've changed my ways since.

It feels shitty though. Is it ok to at times still think about it?
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That day, I apologized again (the 2nd time was for real) and even though that's already been long forgiven, I can't help it but think of that one time I've been totally unfair.
Is it ok to still feel trashy at times?
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