I have bpd and I lost my favourite person?

I was diagnosed with bpd in march this year. Last year i had been going through the worst stage of my life. I was always so angry and sad at everybody. My bpd was really displaying a lot during these months due to family issues and i had no idea i had bpd.

My best friend of 5 years was my favourite person. Our friendship was always healthy and we had never had any arguments until December. In the new school year she was in a different class then me and had made new friends with girls who clearly did not like me. I kept my distance and she continued to hang with them more than me. I hated the fact that i hardly ever saw her and it felt like she didn’t care about me. My bpd was making me overthink a lot even though i did trust her.

When she was not with me i would get mad because i missed her but i would never tell her. She then tells my other friend that she’s planning to distance herself from me. I confront her about this going into it very angry. She tells me she never said that and it leads to a argument. She says i’m too controlling when all i asked was for her time & it’s not intentional.

I said mean stuff and she gaslighted me the entire convo. I blocked her and we never spoke. Weeks later i apologised to her and wished her well because i knew i needed to change and that she deserves better. Her new friends have brainwashed her to think i am a bad person which isn’t the case. We ended on good terms but when i reached out to her she completing ignored me. It hurt my ego a little.

It’s been 8 months and i’m still not over her. I still love her sm and seeing her happy makes me sad. I feel so empty and i thought that feeling would go but it hasn’t in months. Thinking about it makes me cry every time. She makes me be better. I want to speak to her but i’m scared of the embarrassment i’ll face if she ignores me or tells her mean friends. I want to be friends with her again now that i’ve changed but i’m scared if it’s too late.

What do i do?
I have bpd and I lost my favourite person?
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