How can I cope with being a loner who doesn’t have many people in my life?

[Anonymous]

I barely have any friends and I only have my father family wise. I have no bond with my siblings and we haven’t talked to each other for years. I have no bond with my mother and don’t know her well. I have a boyfriend but barely get any attention or affection from him. Everyday I never get messages from anyone or nobody ever calls me. I feel lonely everyday and I’ve been struggling a lot with it lately, got into depression again because of it. I also have social anxiety so the idea of going to places alone to meet others seems nerve wracking to me. How do I cope with it without feeling miserable everyday because of it?

[Jacobbbb]

Put yourself in more social situations and try to actively make connections. I used to be a bit of an introvert so I understand where you're coming from; it's really all about putting yourself out there and being confident. You'd be so surprised what that can do for you. I'll tell my personal story. For my entire first year of college, I was kinda like you. I felt happier being alone and spending time by myself. I was more comfortable with that. Into my sophomore year I was tired of that shit. So there was a guy out skating late at night on campus (I also skateboard so I decided to kinda trail behind him out of boredom). He sat down at a bench, I pulled up a little after he did. We sat, we talked, smoked. I asked for his snap. And guess what he's my best friend to this day, and he's also the guy that introduced me to lots of people that are all a part of the same circle. I'm a part of that group now and they're all the best guys I can ever be around, because I got bored that night, and decided to put myself out there in hopes of making a friend.

End of my story now tho, basically the message I'm trying to convey is that encounters with people and attempts to make connections can bring you a loooong way. It's just about doing it

[Asker]

I love this answer. You’re totally right actually! I realize that I maybe wouldn’t be this miserable if I was more open and confident in myself and towards people. I will start doing that and just put myself out there more.

[Jacobbbb]

Yep exactly. Best of luck 🙂

[joeldalton]

You have to get out there and start making connections with other people. Quit sitting back and waiting for people to contact you. Make the effort to contact others.

[Asker]

You’re right. And what if I’ve made the effort to contact someone first a few times, and yes they responded. But when I don’t text them I don’t really hear from them?

[joeldalton]

People are by and far occupied with their own bullshit. So it's fine to be the one to reach out. Expand your social circles. Find some hobbies where you can interact with other people.

[Asker]

Right, they are only worried about themselves. But what if that’s your longterm partner that you barely hear and you always feel like the one reaching out?

[joeldalton]

Have you tried talking to them about how you feel?

[Asker]

And I would love to expand my social circle but my social anxiety gets in the way of that. So making new friends seems scary to me or the idea of being in a room where you know nobody

[Asker]

And no I haven’t yet, I was going to try to wait and see first. If I don’t reach out for a couple of days if he would reach out, which sometimes he does. But it pretty much seems like he is in no way shape or form even occupied with paying attention to how much he hears me, he seems to be busy and worried with his own day to day life and it doesn’t bother him if he hears me one or twice a week or something, he’s fine with that it seems

[joeldalton]

So you need to get over that fear of not knowing anyone. Have you ever been in a room where you know people and a new person shows up? Do you shun that person and make them feel like shit? I doubt you do. So why would you think others would do that to you? For all you know the room of people are tired of each other and are looking forward to new people joining the group.

[joeldalton]

So you set a test for your boyfriend. He didn't know he was being tested. He didn't know the expected outcome and you're disappointed he failed? What a crappy way to treat someone. Tell people your expectations, and if they continually fail to meet them, then evaluate the relationship. Don't do this passive-aggressive BS.

[Asker]

You’re actually right now that I look at it that way, it is actually a childish and stupid way to evaluate people. I should actually just straight up say it and if it continues then it would make sense for me to judge it. Thanks for the reality check

[Asker]

I guess I overthink too much and “fear” too much. I tend to be careful with my words for some reason. So when i’m about to say something like “I don’t find hearing from each other once twice a week a nice or good thing in a relationship, i would appreciate communicating more” then my brain automatically jumps to the thought “No maybe if I say that I look too needy and as if I don’t have enough things to be busy with in my life, I shouldn’t show that this relationship is that needed in my life because that’s unattractive” or some stupid stuff like that. And then that makes me not say it.. Which I know is absolutely ridiculous

[joeldalton]

It's ok. We all have these fears. But at least you can acknowledge them. Say what you want then there's no wiggle room or misinterpretation.

[Asker]

Right, so correct me if i’m wrong. I should basically be more “blunt” and straight up with people? That way I can keep things simple and easier, and even though they may judge it or think negatively of it I shouldn’t care because at least i’m being real and direct and that will always be respected no matter if it seems positive or negative to them? Does that sound about right?

[joeldalton]

The delivery matters. If you call your boyfriend up and be like "you just never call me, you don't care about me, blah blah blah" he'll be defensive. If you call him and say "hey, I've been feeling a little down. I know you care about me, but I feel that I'm the one always reaching out. When people in my life reach out to me first it makes me feel loved and needed. Could you make an effort to be the one to initiate conversation more often? "

[Asker]

Yes that’s true, so basically yes i can be real and straight up with people as long as things are said in a mature, calm and reasonable way then that’ll always be respected?

[joeldalton]

If it's not, that's on them... not you.

[kylee2437]

You should join a hobby and start putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. I am just speaking from experience. Having social anxiety, you need to make yourself feel uncomfortable if you want to be more social. The issue is , is you are too comfortable with your comfort. Why not reach out to people first? Why not join a hobby and make new bonds? It is in your hands to make new connections and get out of your comfort zone

[Asker]

Yeah I should start trying to do that, i’m always afraid of being uncomfortable but maybe that’s what brought me to this point. I probably am way too comfortable in comfort, because sometimes when i see people or times change it makes me sad. And you’re right, maybe i’m putting myself up for failure because I constantly think “they have to reach out to me or call me first”. Thanks for the helpful response i’ll start doing these things

[Adam1978]

You are clearly not a loner, if you where you would have been fine. First step is to reflect on yourself because if all your relationship fails, it's going to be because one of your behavior patterns. Not because something always been wrong with them.

[Asker]

Well it’s not that all my relationships fail I never said that, the few people I do have, the relationship i have with them is great and healthy. But I just only have 1 close friend and my father, no other family bonds. I do have a partner as well but they’re not very good at showing me any love, attention or care. I don’t seem to be very important to that person even though we’ve been together 3 years which makes me feel bad about myself and even more lonely. I have social anxiety as well so making new friends isn’t my favourite thing, so even tho I have that one great close friend and my father at least, I still for some reason feel incredibly lonely. I also can’t really talk about how I really feel to them because I don’t want them to worry. So because of that I have nobody to talk to so i’m struggling in silence everyday

[Adam1978]

First of all you can't expect things from others that you don't deliver yourself. It doesn't sounds like you are good at showing love, care and attention either. If you do the odds you get it in return is drastically increased.

[Asker]

I guess i didn’t interpret my question on here well enough, towards my friend and father I don’t expect anything from them. I call and text them whenever and a lot, i don’t expect them to call or text me first at all. I always check up on them because they’re all I have. I simply didn’t grow up with my other family members and thus I don’t have a bond with them, my siblings and I stopped speaking years ago when I was really young and I didn’t understand why. My partner however, I’ve done nothing but support my partner and show him a lot of love and care, sometimes even too much. Lately he has been caring less and less about my existence it seems but I still reach out and call him first. He isn’t really good at showing love or affection, and I always show him those things but I barely get it in return. I always did things hoping i’d get it in return and sometimes I didn’t at all which made me stop trying at times, but then I tell myself well maybe I should try again and maybe then i’ll get some love in return too but then I get dissapointed. i’m an individual who cares too much, and always loves the other person more than they love me which has never done me justice

[Asker]

For example I haven’t heard him for 2 days so I decided to just call him myself and check up on him, but he responded to me in a very kind of boring, platonic way as if i’m just a friend. Asked him how he is and he didn’t even ask me back

[MaxRobespierre]

Stop being boring have something interesting about yourself. Go to a book club or a tea shop and talk about your favorite tea.

[Asker]

Sad thing is i’m quite interesting as a person I believe. I’m a graphic designer who’s starting up my own design agency soon, where i’ll probably be sitting in alone unfortunately… and i’m really kind to people, guess i’m just meant to be a loner in life

[MaxRobespierre]

That’s the life of an introvert. Most women I meet are extroverted. I never met one like you. Life is easy mode for most women they don’t have to worry about how they look to other. No one gets creeped out by women and they can wear mens clothes and women’s clothes. Why are you so shy. No one judges or looks at you like a rapist or serial killer. You’re loved by Society I don’t understand why you don’t have any girlfriends to hang with. It should be easy.

[Asker]

Don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing the “i never met one like you” hahah. That makes me think even more that i’m a strange individual.. but yes looks wise it’s easy but because i’m so introverted and have social anxiety, it’s hard for me to go hang out with people i don’t know well. I have 1 close girlfriend and that’s it. I just feel low about myself because i barely hear anything nice said about me or to me, even though i’m always kind and respectful to everyone.

[Asker]

I would like more girlfriends that just one, and sometimes girls wanna become friends but my introverted self and my social anxiety gets the best of me. And my partner then judges me for that which makes me feel even worse

[MaxRobespierre]

If you have 1 that’s all you need. Most people deceptive and fake. I’d rather have 1 or 2 good friends rather than 20 fake ones. And being introverted is good means you’re smarter the majority of the mindless drones. You’re starting a business and you’re going to be successful of people aren’t going to like. People don’t like it when they someone actually do something with their life and not just sit on the couch and be a lazy bum sitting on welfare. Look at how many people hate Donald trump. I am not a trump supporter, but I understand why people don’t like him. I make money and people like to spit in my face and call me names when I try to help them reach success. I don’t help others because I like them I help people because I have compassion for people and I like to see others succeed. If they want to be rude I’ll tell them to come back when they are ready to make money.

[MaxRobespierre]

They always come back and tell me how smart I am later on.

[Asker]

It’s actually really nice to read this. It makes me feel okay to be how I am and that it isn’t a bad thing to be introverted and alone. I guess then I don’t need to worry about finding more friends? And just worry about my career and stuff? I also have a quite toxic family relation and the dynamic makes me feel depressed a lot, therefore I barely have any gamily support or love except for my father. That’s it. My partner is okay he does support me career wise but not emotionally, and I don’t get much love or attention from him. All that combined makes me feel alone in this world, but maybe there’s better times awaiting me. I struggle with being patient and I fall into depression a lot because of all those things but things could be worse I guess, i’ll try to just keep my head up and keep going

[MaxRobespierre]

I use to be like that in my early 20s, but the I learnt trying win peoples approval is a waste of time. Imagine having a job where you put all your and soul into it for 40 years, you were friends with everyone and went out of your way to get the business to succeed and right before retirement they fire you and you have to find a new job. Compared it to a 19 year old guy who loses his job and says “fuck it. I’ll get a new job in 2 weeks” the secret to true happiness is you don’t give a shit. Never depend on others for external validation. Your wife or husband can always leave you, you friend can change or move away, you can lose your and then what do you have? You’re just empty shell. It’s better to have internal validation. External validation from people are things is a waste of time. And there’s nothing wrong with you. If people weren’t getting upset at you you’d be doing something wrong. When you make money and you are happy, miserable loser who don’t want to work and are lazy get jealous want what you have. They want to bring you down to their level. You just smile and leave them be it’ll make them more angry to know you don’t care. Misery loves company.

[Asker]

Thanks a whole lot for this inspiring text. Took a screenhot of it to keep reminding myself this everyday. It made me quite emotional because this is exactly the reason of my sadness everyday. I feel sad that I don’t have amazing supportive family around me and great bonds with my siblings like many other women do. That I don’t have friends who see me as their favourite person to talk to and hang out with. That I barely get any attention and love from my own “partner”. Maybe there’s more for me out there that I haven’t ran into so I just won’t give up. My partner already is successful and makes a lot of money for himself, and kind of sees me as a child because I haven’t fully established my career yet. I feel quite unseen by him and looked down at. But you’re right, depending on people for validation and happiness will make me miserable. I’ll just start focusing on myself only and forget about these people. I’ll just focus on my 1 friend, my father and myself and starting my business. These 2 people and my business at least don’t make me feel useless and bad about myself.

[FilmGuy93]

Start by taking ashwagandha and resolving your anxiety/depression. Then start going out in the world to interact with people.

[Asker]

What are the benefits of ashwaganda towards depression? I’ve heard it’s only mainly good for stress

[FilmGuy93]

It removes the stress, like you said and that makes life easier to live. The Ashwagandha filters the cortisol out of your blood, which helps balance out your hormones and eases the symptoms of depression.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3573577/

[Asker]

Oh that sounds amazing, I do have imbalanced hormones as well. Didn’t know that it’s that beneficial for your body, will definitely buy some and start taking it then thanks a lot. I hope it makes somewhat of a difference in how I feel day to day

[FilmGuy93]

Awesome! Just give it a few days to kick in. Best of luck!

[boggboss]

Is it possible nobody reaches out to you because u don't do the same

[Asker]

Well, maybe but this is something i’ve been trying to pay attention to. Like what if I just reach out to them more? I’ve been doing that but it still kind of stays the same unfortunately :( they just reply to my message and sometimes don’t even try to continue the convo, and still never call me themselves

[Asker]

They all seem to be focused on other people that are closer to them and focus more on themselves and i feel quite unimportant to them

[boggboss]

But thats what I mean if its been years of u not reaching out they may already have given up on trying also if u have a partner Nd your nit happy with them why are u still with them

[Asker]

Yeah family wise i don’t know, it’s a toxic situation and household that I just feel uncomfortable in. And yeah.. I honestly can’t even answer the last question, I don’t have the guts to leave pretty much

[Asker]

But maybe I should just reach out even more to everyone and maybe they’ll start doing the same back with time, I think ego gets in the way of that a lot which is bad. It’s that mindset of “i’ve reached out now once or twice, now they gotta reach out themselves”. But maybe I need to get rid of that mindset? Sometimes I have that with my partner, I then think oh I’ve sent him a text once or twice first, now he has to reach out to me if he wants to hear from me

[boggboss]

Which shows u are not prepared to fix the situation for yourself so not really sure what to say past that you are part of the issue in why u are unhappy

[Asker]

Oh.. and what would you suggest would make me prepared to fix the situation for myself? Because I do want to get myself out of that miserable day to day life

[Asker]

It just gets hard for me to not get depressed sometimes, the household that I live in is toxic and it’s depressing for me to live here everyday. I’m trying to save money to get my own place but sometimes I struggle with the patience. That combined with not having a lot of support or love around me makes me feel miserable

[boggboss]

First by ending a relationship I are clearly not happy in being in a shit relationship is worst then not being in one because u are reminded how alone u are when u should have support

[boggboss]

Also try joining some hobby or clubs where you can interact with people if not irl then at least online

[Asker]

You’re right! Thanks for the help