Should parents prioritize their partner over their children?

Question

It may sound weird, but I've read that sometimes prioritizing your partner over your children (within reason naturally) can help in keeping a healthy relationship and as a result be better and more active parents.

We personally do our best to have some moments just for us, when we can.

SoftCliff · Accepted Answer

Great question

The relationship between parents is the emotional house that the kids have to live in. So it should come first. Not like "go on dates and let your kids starve" first, but "keep the foundation strong" first.

If the parents aren't happy, the kids will be affected. If you truly love your children and want them to have the best life possible, the parents have to be waking up every day wanting to be there mentally and emotionally. That means sometimes mom or dad or both need some time and space away from the kids to recharge. That's also healthy for the kids, because having only mom and dad as an influential adult figure is giving them a very narrow world view and not encouraging their independence.

Just like a relationship without kids is healthier if each partner has their own personal space and friends, families need to have activities they do on their own. Of course this doesn't apply when the kids are infants, but as they get older, they need to see mommy and daddy have their own lives too, things that they are passionate about that don't require an entire family. It encourages them to find their own private passions that don't need mom and dad, and teaches them that as they get older they should continue to have things in their life that don't require a partner. If you're only showing them that fun activities 'require' a family, you're teaching them the only way they can be happy when they're adults is to get married and have kids instead of encouraging them to explore the world and be independent before settling down and planning kids.

suzzieQ · Accepted Answer

Just because you prioritize one thing, doesn't mean that you neglect another. If you want your children to grow up in a healthy household with two loving parents, you need to prioritize the relationship with your spouse. That doesn't mean neglecting your children, that just means creatin a solid foundation for your kids.

SnowedIn · Accepted Answer

Should? Not necessarily. But at the same time, the kids cannot/should not be in charge or be number 1. But just because you're tending to a child's needs or even filling their love tank doesn't meant that the partner isn't a priority. The thing is that they're not the same things; they're not comparable. That said, children want stability. They want to see that their parents love each other and that their connection is solid. They also want to know their place in the family. That place isn't as number 1. But back to prioritize. The trick is that resources are finite. And, so sometimes you make compromises. But a healthy parenting relationship acknowledges that sometimes a child has to be prioritized -- but that's not a measure of love or value about the partner. It's just the reality of the family dynamic. If you always prioritize the partner, you will inevitably shortchange the child and vice versa. So there isn't a "should" -- it's a constant balancing and ballasting effort.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Very young kids have to come first, but as they get older (past toddler stage), you can balance things out a little better, and that should slowly favor your partner more as they grow older and become more independent.

Of course they will have times when they need you, but that's more the exception than the rule once they are in school. Most of the time, they just want to know that their parents are around and able to help if something comes up. And it's not like your partner is going to take up every minute of your free time anyway. It's just that, during infancy, kids DO need almost all of your free time, which is rough on your partner. It's just something you have to accept and navigate.

Haha456 · Answer

All this talk about being able to prioritize both spouse and children equally is BS. Because reality is, you don't have enough time in a day to prioritize both your spouse and your kids equally. Especially when the kids are very young, they demand most of your attention. If you are paying half your attention to your spouse, it likely means you're neglecting your young child. Parents already have each other. Kids have nobody. If you don't put them as first priority, nobody will. This is the difference people do not realize.

Childhood is when a child's sense of self worth develops. If you are not willing to prove to your child that they are worth being your first priority, they will grow up with low self worth. This explains why so many young people nowadays are soo uncomfortable being single alone. They constantly need to be in a relationship for someone to love them or someone to remind them that they are worth it.

Whenever I see something like that, I immediately can tell this person was not loved enough as a child. The role of a parent is more than just providing your children food, clothing and bed. It is also to help your child develop a decent sense of self worth and self esteem. The only way to do this is to show your child that they are worth being your first priority. Not the 3rd priority. Because at the end of the day, if you won't love your child, NOBODY WILL

AmandaYVR · Answer

Yes, I've heard this too. You need to nurture the primary relationship, or what will be left of it won't be valuable to the kids anyway. That's not very well said, but you get the idea.

I think kids are coddled and put on a pedestal a bit too often lately. There is so much emphasis and focus and attention put on them. They can actually have some quiet time, alone time, and different experiences in the world, and not be damaged or neglected. So I'd say the key is probably not prioritizing one or the other, but not letting the kids rule the house, and dictate the energy, and all activities and time spent. As @snowedin said. What he said. Sometimes it's more valuable to teach kids independence, and the value of boredom, and time alone. Helicopter parents make for anxious kids. Or kids who grow up to be adults and loathe any feeling of anyone exerting any influence on them. Trust me on that one.

Guy13 · Answer

If you were a Christian, your answer would be the spousal relationship is most important as the following would be your guiding principles: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loved his wife loves himself.”

Wives submit yourself to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker vessel and heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.

tenor55 · Answer

This is not an either or question in my mind. We made many sacrifices for our kids, but still found a way to get away together without them several times a year to keep our relationship strong. Our grown kids are fine, we have a great relationship with them, and our marriage and love life are still going strong. We celebrated our 50th this year.

I have heard it said, the best thing you can do for your children is love their mother. I have known couples that put everything into their kids only to divorce after they left because they drifted apart. You have your kids for 18 years. You have your spouse (hopefully) for life.

Smc08 · Answer

Its true and you should within reason. Otherwise that’s how you get entitled kids. Like if you and your partner are talking and the child interrupts your conversation, the child should wait their turn. If you value what your child says more they developed a since of entitlement just from that and feel “special”. That’s just an example but we’ve all seen it.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

You must always set aside some time when you can make your marriage your highest priority. But while your partner wants you (and vice versa,) your children NEED you and absolutely depend on you and their needs may trump whatever plans you have with your spouse.

wingattebaby16 · Answer

I agree 100%.

too many moms put their kids first, and when the last one leaves home, she no longer has a home with a loving husband.

A neglected husband, first is sad, the vengeful, and then he finds another woman that WILL take care of his needs, not just sex, but showing him he has value to SOMEONE.

My own real dad was on business travel 25 days out of the month. It cost him his wife and later his kids were put into Foster Care..

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

Not anymore. Infant mortality is down compared to bearer mortality. I’d argue that we could allow both to increase with almost no compensible consequences. People criticize China’s efforts to control population, but they’re winning in every conceivable way once you remove propaganda without meaningful context.

sassy_receptor · Answer

no when i have a child or children, they will always come first. that’s just a mother’s intuition to put her offspring before anything or anyone else. that doesn’t mean i would totally alienate my husband and no longer pay attention to him. but if i had to save one person out of my child and husband in a dangerous situation, it would be my baby. and i would pray my husband were to save my baby if he had to pick between me and our child.

MendaciousMarxist · Answer

In my opinion, I'd say yes and it was one of the biggest mistakes I made in my relationships. I focused on everything except my partner and we ended up splitting.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

It's complicated. Because, technically, yes. However, while your children are living in the home, they are your first priority as a couple.  But I know different people can see this different ways.

dustybiker · Answer

There needs to be a healthy balance. Even if it comes in blips for parents. A little show of genuine appreciation here and there goes a very long way. Happy parents make happier children. They feel tension.

Apple1996 · Answer

Nah I always put my kids first. Even put them before myself. People that prioritize themselves/partner first are just selfish and should not be having kids if they just gonna put them last.

Lucy68 · Answer

I'm not a mommy, but if I was my children will ALWAYS come first no matter what. My husband (if I marry) would be a grown man he can take care of himself.

NathanDavis · Answer

what we should not do is to rule one way of action towards all circumstances and certainly not ahead of them either

Akam93 · Answer

Yes I would. I would love my kid also but I want my relationship to last.

DizzyDesii · Answer

You’re supposed to but i prob won't until the kids are 18

Anonymous · Answer

If you don't maintain a strong adult partner relationship, it may fail under the weight of supporting the children and then you are not a team. Which is bad for everyone.
Some people cannot understand this. No idea why.

Candyterry · Answer

I never been a mother but I see women having kid they give all love and attention to the little one foe many years and forget about their husbands. I feel cringe everytime I see a couple like this.

Sailormoon95 · Answer

I think you should put being a mom and a dad first because you can be a parent but also be there for your partner at the same time.

Charliefretz329 · Answer

The partner that you made those kids with? Yea within reason! You made a life long commitment with your spouse!

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Yes. The husband and wife comes first. Children eventually grow up and leave the house.

ZenJen444 · Answer

The whole family prioritized. Unfortunately men are selfish and feel they should be first

tfan1 · Answer

No kids come first then wife then myself.

Anonymous · Answer

In my opinion, this should be split 50-50.

LiamJHayden · Answer

All other things equal, yes.

RandomGuy1030 · Answer

No. Prioritize no one.

Ninania · Answer

No, never.

Should parents prioritize their partner over their children?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Should parents prioritize their partner over their children?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.