My husband doesn't know I'm not in love with him (never was)... is it ok to keep that a secret?

[Anonymous]

I love him as my life partner of 4 years and father our 3 year-old daughter. I'm willing to stay with him till old age even if I don't have passionate love for him, never did. I'm not lusting over him, not in love with him but happy. I'm ok with it and I do respect him.

Ok here is the reality; I got him for the obvious reason (then again he sounded just as pushy for kids as me during our early stage of dating); to form a family. Is it ok to continue keeping that a secret?

Updates

+1 y

I don't love him in a sexual or romantic way (in love thing) but love him as a person, as my life partner, as the father of our daughter.

[JamesDiaz11]

Regardless of how passionately lustful you are toward a person, there's going to come a time when you don't feel that way anymore. All that's left is the decision to be with that person, and appreciate them as your significant other.

I would take that thought you have and put it out of existence. You drawing a distinction on your love for him is absolutely toxic, and will invariably cause resentment on both sides. You're literally going to end your marriage with that thought.

If you let him know this, either verbally, or through some nonverbal communication he's going to feel emasculated, unappreciated, and unloved. A man who feels like that will pursue that feeling from others. You'll also be communicating that the men before him were in some way better than him, which will further emasculate him, and kill your sex life immediately.

I don't know what kind of feminist bs you had around you, possibly other toxic women, to develop this thought, but you need to get away from that immediately. If you're seeing single women "passionately in love" via your friend group, movies, or you're just hung up on the alpha that rocked your world years back you need to get these things away from you and out of your head.

[SteveSmith1985]

No. This is an ACTUAL nightmare/biggest fear of mine. I am not married.

I am going to keep this short, to avoid speaking my mind about this.

I think this is terrible. I feel so sorry for your husband. This is not ok. This is not anywhere close to ok. There is no excuse for getting married to someone by lying about being in love with them. There is even less excuse for pretending to be in love with him every single day for 4 years. You kept that a secret for 4 years, while deceiving someone into thinking you love them. That is awful. That is selfish. That is inexcusable.

Marrying a woman like you, is an actual "oh my god can you imagine how terrible it would be..." biggest fear. Thank you for showing me that there are, real life women... who ACTUALLY would do this, and not even understand how fucking NOT OK it is.

You're a goddamn nightmare. I don't know what else to tell you.

[Asker]

Well I do love him as my life companion and the father of our daughter. I love him in the caring, companionate manner. I'm still faithful and staying with him till the end. I'm just don't feel passionate love for him.

[Asker]

to be honest, passionate love (the infatuation period) ends anyways... that is not kept forever. Most older person don't have passionate love anymore. It gets replaced by companionate love and the decision to remain faithful by choice

[SteveSmith1985]

That's all just fine... as long as you're clear with him about all of that. It's the deception that's the problem. You can make all the excuses you want. But it's all bullshit unless you're honest with your husband about everything you just said.

[LazerBean]

I would say you should probably keep it a secret, since your relationship would likely be ruined if he found out you didn't actually love him and we're just using him for his sperm.

[Asker]

I do care for him and love him as a person... but yeah love him in a different manner. I never meant to go down the route of pretending to be in love with him but it's like I had no other option. It was either that and solved my issue or still be single and childless, with time against me.

[Adaeva]

Keep it a secret. Telling him will not do you, him, or the relationship any good.

[Asker]

yeah I ain't ever telling him that

[Anonymous]

It's called marriage. It was your choice, so deal with it.

[Asker]

yeah I won't tell him that. I chose him and do want to grow old with him even if I'm not in love.

[Opinion Owner]

There are only two ways to fix this problem. Either bail or come to an agreement.

[SnowedIn]

Tell no one. Especially not him. Just have your secret and keep on going.

[TrippyStarry]

YOU are not in love with him. YOU are not attracted to him. Do you see where the problem lies?

[Asker]

yeah I chose him to have kids. He was as pushy for kids and seemed like the one marriage-minded man available at that very moment. It was either him or remain childless and single at 38 (my current age). I got him and gave birth to our daughter at age 35.
But I still have compassionate love towards him. This is loving the person but in a different way. I still love his company and respect him as the father of our little girl.

[TrippyStarry]

Sounds like you're using his desire to have kids as some sort of excuse for how YOU feel about him? I think you need to look within yourself and see what you can do to improve your marriage. If you are only 4 years in your relationship and asking strangers on the internet whether or not you should break your husband's heart over how YOU feel, it doesn't seem like you're in a good spot mentally. If you truly care about having a loving, fulfilling marriage, you need to do something...

[Anonymous]

No you need to tell him the truth. Sounds as though you’re just w him now for the security of having something when he kicks the bucket. Amazed at all the women telling you to keep it a secret. But I guess I expected from women.

[Asker]

He equally as pushy as me about having kids and well it was either getting him or I would've been single and childless. I'm now 38 and gave birth for the first time at age 35 (a complicated pregnancy indeed) so I got him on time.

[Opinion Owner]

Still that is wrong. I could not stay w someone who didn’t love me the way she used to. So again I’m thinking it’s more for the security of it. Using him. I guess if you can live w that knowing you’re living a lie that’s on you. I feel bad for the dude.

[Asker]

I guess if it helps, I still want to grow old with him. Even if I'm not in love, I don't cheat and I'm staying with him till the end. Isn't that some credit at least?

[Opinion Owner]

No it’s not. Let me ask you this. If you came into a lot of money would you stay w him? I mean a lot that you were ok medically, financially, etc?

[Asker]

I chose him as my husband and therefore take my vows seriously to remain by his side till the end, even if I'm not in love. I love him in a different way though.

[Asker]

I still have compassionate love towards him. I would feel bad leaving him so out of compassion I'll still be with him.

[Opinion Owner]

I still think it’s wrong. You should let him go so he can meet someone who will love him for life. You’ve only been w him for 4 years and you’re not in love w him. I think he’s still got time to meet someone else. Just be honest. I think you’d want him to be honest w you if he felt this way. If he’s ok w it than so be it.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Ouch. Well it's good you respecting him at least. It's better you keep your mouth shut.

You can seriously end up hurting this guy's heart by telling him you don't love him.

[Asker]

yeah no point in telling. I already got what I wanted; our bundle of joy.

[LiamJHayden]

"In love" as you've defined it would be a poor basis for a long term relationship anyway.

[Asker]

I've heard this too. It's said the infatuation period is short-lived. Though I never developed any infatuation period with my husband.

[Anonymous]

You just think he doesn't know. Would it bother you to find out he minimally attracted to you as well now?

[Asker]

Then I guess it's only fair. In my case, it makes sense why I got him. I was obviously against time. But you guys don't have to worry about limited time to have kids. So if he isn't lusting over me either and he has all the time to have kids, why he go me? I would like to hear from the other side of coin if you care to explain it.

[Opinion Owner]

You're old as you gingerly put it. He's been with you for a while. It probably wasn't your looks that attracted him anyhow. Certainly there'll be more attractive women. But how agreeable are they? How practical are they? Men know typically the more attractive woman is generally the harder to deal with they are. Because women know if they're in high demand or not. Most likely you were just more tolerable then the other women.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but only because you have a daughter. But unless he's clueless, he probably knows.

[Asker]

Yes I'm 38 by now. It doesn't sound like he knows but if he does then he must be playing along. I just felt I had no option. It was either get with him even if I don't love him romantically or still remain single and childless. It sucks to be under pressure and in a rush.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, the pressure sucks, but your doing the right thing for your daughter. Maybe when she turns 18, you can end the marriage and still have time to meet other guys.

[Asker]

It's ok. I'll stay with him till the end. I don't mind having no romantic feelings towards him.

[Opinion Owner]

But what about your sex life?

[Asker]

It's ok. He did admitted to having a lower sex drive and we just do it 2-3 times a month. Then again, it must be due to his age. He's 50 years old. I'm ok with that though.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok, thanks for the replies.

[Opinion Owner]

And Merry Christmas

[Anonymous]

We'll that's what love is. It matures.

[Asker]

True