If someone close to you says horrible things about you during arguments, is that what they truly think or are they just saying it out of anger?

Question

Rockstarrrrr · Accepted Answer

How you truly feel about someone comes out when you are angry at them... And if they say it, that means they thought about it... Simple as that

DavidRaul · Accepted Answer

Well they actually speak the truth when they are angry and thats what they think of you which is heartbreaking

Chelsdope0 · Answer

I’m actually dealing with this now… Some people have said some awful/hurtful things to me out of anger.

Last month, I admit that I was in the wrong on this but I felt like the response was mean. I was a bit hurt that my 2 friends weren’t coming to my grad party after acting excited about coming. One of them ignored me for hours the day before and I even asked if she was ignoring me bc she was active on social media. The days before we were all good and had a nice chat. So in the group text I said “I thought y’all were my good friends. Y’all are fake” and (I was wrong for saying that bc I name called first) but one friend blew up and said “I don’t want to go to your lame ass graduation party.. (I forgot the rest bc I really didn’t want to remember for the sake of my mental health) but she threw things back in my face. I struggle with anxiety, depression and bdd (major insecurity) I told her that I felt like one of the young professors was flirty and that I found him attractive… she said “be frfr… look in the mirror.. he doesn’t want you” she just said a whole page of things and I never knew she felt that way about me. It was awful.. some true.

I realized that I wasn’t a great friend. I didn’t make it to her bday party, I didn’t show up to a lot of the friend gatherings. I didn’t show up. I was dealing with a lot of mental health and trying to finish school. It was hard to tell them I was struggling.. mentally, financially, emotionally. I was just focusing on things for me. I understand their point of view. Why should they show up for me when I couldn’t do the same.

But always remember.. people will always say how they feel about you when they are upset.

AmandaYVR · Answer

It's like this - things do come out, get revealed, when people are angry. And although some do say things specifically to hurt the other person, either because they're nasty, or they have just felt hurt in that moment and want to retaliate... mostly what happens is that those thoughts are the most negative of what they sometimes think, believe.

Yes, it's an element in their minds, about you. But in the grander scheme of things, the entirety of the relationship, those negative thoughts, conclusions, are not always at the forefront of their mind. Sometimes they feel them, sometimes they don't. It's not so manipulated as to be rose-coloured glasses, but it's an acceptance, and general appreciation, of other traits, which makes them minimize the negative traits they sometimes are bothered by.

I find it almost impossible, emotionally, to forget or completely ignore those things said. Unfortunately they feel like the most raw truth, and that can be extremely depressing, demoralizing, you feel unloved.

But intellectually, which you have to work on prioritizing, you recognize why they said them, and that you, too, probably, have said similar things. (Although I'm very, very controlled and if I love that person, I know what is at stake, so I don't. I rarely regret the things I say in anger. And it does annoy me, that they don't have the same restraint.) Try to give that person a bit of leeway and acceptance that you know not everything they think about you is positive. But that the next day, or week or month, they may not feel that same thing. That also happens. You can ask them, weeks or months later... did you mean that, by the way, what you said then? (If you dare hear the answer. That answer can end relationships.)

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

It depends on the person, some people... will say things to hurt you, to win the argument at any cost. Without any regards for the repercussion and after effects. As once they've won, they will say it is your problem if there is still issues, not theirs.

Others, if they want to hurt you and do not care if the relationship continues, have no issues saying what they perceive as the truth because they plan on hurting and leaving.

Add into the mix that sometimes they might not be trying to say horrible hurtful things. I've been in that situation in a argument, where I get frustrated that he is a messy pig and I have to clean up after him all the time, so I ask him to stop being a slob and he gets all hurt that I called him a slob.

Honestly, what else would I call someone who turns everything in the house that he touches into a giant mess?

My intent was not to hurt him or attack him, but hoping he'd see what he is doing to me and start being cleaner, rather than use me as his personal maid.

CubsterShura · Answer

Depends. Sometimes people say what they mean, other times they may just say things out of jealousy or insecurity even when they know that deep down it's not true. For example you are arguing with someone who is a runway model, and you end up calling this person a whore saying she just makes money showing off her body in the runway what does she understand about you as you work a corporate job and your life is thus more in touch with the real world. You deep down know that's not true and a lot of hard work goes into modelling but you said that out of either being jealous that she is getting paid more or because you are jealous of her looks and deep down you wished you were like her.

And of course, other times you just say what's on your mind. You have a friend who is very frugal with money and refuses to spend it much, you can get mad and call this friend a cheapskate when you absolutely mean it, you just never said it aloud before.

Sun_Kim-Ai · Answer

I'd say it depends.

Self- confession - I've said horrible things to people during arguments for both the reasons you have listed.

In the first case, that either meant the relationship was over, or that I there was a serious grievance to address. I admit that during a bad argument with the woman that became my wife I brutally highlighted one of her major flaws (control freak) and while she took it badly at the time, she did work on herself to not try and control people like she used to do.

In the second case, eventually I had to admit with shame that I said those things just to spite the person, and beg for their forgiveness.

AdithyaR · Answer

Well it's be less about what they said and more of the fact that they said it.
It shows that they lack the maturity and restraint to be civil in an argument.
When I'm angry with someone I'm self aware enough to know that I'm angry and not in the mindset to discuss so I'll ask for some space to calm down before talking to them.
If someone instead says hurtful things in their anger it makes me feel they care more about winning the argument than they care about me. I don't need that in my life.

DevikaButts95 · Answer

Can be, can be they know what hurts you the most. What's more keen to pay attention to is how deep they were willing to cut when angry with you. That's how they really feel about you.

Guy13 · Answer

I wish I had never said…I’ll never be able to do enough to take back. Damn, I didn’t mean it…I should have talked with you about the underlying issues to avoid that…

“Sorry, hope you an Evan are well” is where a deceitfully wicked tongue lands us.

abc3643 · Answer

Considering that I just went through this with my wife...
From my perspective, it is really what I think. I am a male. Sometimes it is hurtful but that doesn't make it not the truth.
Females will say to be vindictive and hurtful even if what they say is not the truth - although, often it is the truth too.

OfMiceandMen · Answer

Often people exaggerate things in the heat of the moment, but, it may have been something minor they picked-up on.

Blueeyes81 · Answer

It could be both. Sometimes people just want to lash out and hurt so they say something they know will sting without it having anything behind it.

Sometimes people let something fester and out comes the gloves in a future fight. They may then just let loose with their true thoughts and feelings on you.

Crankor · Answer

It's both. They do really think that but are usually more dismissive about it. A better mood allows for more exceptions in a manner of speaking. Not to say that's a good thing either... ignoring things that bother you until you just flare out in a tantrum like moment...

CateM · Answer

If they just said it in the heat of the moment that one time, I'll let it slide. But if they keep saying it, then I'll think they mean it

Bricealan · Answer

Once it's said, you can't take it back. Do say it if you don't mean it. I think what is said in anger is their true feelings, just held back.

justFriend · Answer

we lived together with my best friend for 6 years. 6 the end of the year she had a lover. We had an argument about some things and he said some very bad things. I haven't spoken to him for 3 years.
He said I was right and he apologized, but I can't forgive him.

NathanDavis · Answer

I've been told quite a few things before... but then, was told they didn't really mean it, it was just the heat of the moment as for those who did not clarify... maybe they actually meant it, lol

dustybiker · Answer

Anger and alcohol bring out honesty in most people who usually keep it to themselves.

DaisyM23 · Answer

it's both, like usually it's something that would get the biggest rise out of you/hurt the most and other times it could be something they were already thinking/feeling

Guardian45 · Answer

Both. Often people reveal things they truly feel, or sometimes it is done in anger. Obviously, neither is good communication.

HaveNoName · Answer

I never get into arguments. NEVER. If at all, i do it to correct my kids when they are wrong. Well... They are not kids anymore.

Red_Arrow · Answer

Both! They probably think what they are saying, but they are mad enough to say it instead of calmly discussing it with you.

es20490446e · Answer

Probably they are speaking about themselves.

Summeroflove · Answer

It really says more about them then it does abour you. Many times when someone is losing a argument. They resort to personal insults.

sage2021 · Answer

With me, I just st keep shoving in down, let it add up, then when we're in an argument, I let them have it! I mean it too.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

Some truth there could be however most of the time it’s out of anger & you are fired up sometimes your tongue slips.

PraviteliNahuiValite · Answer

It depends on the person. For some people, they may mistreat their #1 best friend.

YourExLover69 · Answer

Very interesting question!! It means they thought about it at least once in their minds. 😕

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Anger makes people say things they don’t mean.

clampfan101 · Answer

It could definitely be either. Almost all my yelling at my parents is really just me yelling at myself… 😥

sirderpsalot123 · Answer

I never agreed with that. I think when people are angry, and they want to hurt someone's feelings, they will say the worst thing they can think of.

pizzalovershouse · Answer

Abit of both at times like if your a slogan they say it out loud then they feel it's TRUE

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

It's what they truly think. Jesus taught words come from the abundance of the heart.

Jennz6 · Answer

They don’t mean it

EaterPeter · Answer

My focus would be on it hurts.

PeterLegg91 · Answer

Sometimes the truth comes out during anger

exitseven · Answer

It is based in fact.

alcorriher · Answer

i think its both but also depends on person

LiamJHayden · Answer

Could be either.

AimeeKyle · Answer

Probably a mixture of both, truth and being mean.

In_Trance · Answer

Probably out of anger

Sabretooth · Answer

either or just in that moment.

Iron_Man · Answer

Out of anger

If someone close to you says horrible things about you during arguments, is that what they truly think or are they just saying it out of anger?

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