How do you maintain respect for someone who shows little self-respect?

[DizzyDesii]

I’m asking this in general but also here’s the situation. Like he’s so assertive and dominant with me (which somewhat bothers me because I normally go for submissive men). I’m used to men who are masculine/dominant around outsiders but submissive around me yet dominant in the bedroom. Sounds like a rollercoaster but yea. Sometimes I almost take his dominance for a joke because he has no backbone when it comes to the men he’s around. He won't standup for himself with them so it makes me feel like he won’t standup for his girl if need be.

I already told him that if he doesn’t standup for me when it comes to his disrespectful ass dad, that we’re going to have a problem. I’ve often had to defend my men when it comes to my fam, so its a no brainer for me. But who am I kidding? he's afraid to defend himself to his dad. Then i told him to standup to his friends and stop letting them pressure him into stupid shit. Plus they use him for transportation. He’s said he’ll standup but the last 2 weeks have shown that he still chooses to submit and impress these little ass college boys because his old ass wants to fit in. He even admitted it. Then I told him to step to his boss especially since he's the best worker there but gets hella underpaid. We’ll see how that goes over next month when he returns to work.

I really like this guy but sometimes I lose respect for him because he doesn't know how to stand up for himself. I thought it was hot when he told me he disarmed someone who had a gun but then damn you can’t even standup for yourself in these little ass situations? And then my mom tried to snap on me this weekend about making her feel like the child because I had to help her financially so much. But i reminded her that she can't even standup to her own mom who she still lets run her and that she has no business trying to pick on someone of lesser size because she hasn't got the guts to face her mom. Fck outta here with that. Left her speechless… #FeelFreeToList

Updates

6 mo

And okay I get that your dad has always been fcked up and scared the living shit out of you but you haven't even lived with him for 10 years so how is he still running shit? And then your boss, you’ve worked for him for the last 10 years so he's basically like your dad 2.0… break the pattern bro. And then his “friends”. He just met these mfs last school year. he's known them for less than a year and he's already giving them all this power? Like wtf is wrong with you. Must be childhood trauma

Updates

6 mo

Also, we agreed that if things progress, I’m going to meet his dad sometime next year, and I’ll even stay on campus with him for at least a month. I doubt I’d stay with him that long if he didn't have a backbone by like January. But lets say I did. I will say everything that he's too afraid to say to these bastards. Let his friends try to make him do something while I’m around. It won't be the 1st time I’ve had it out with dudes 👊😤👊 And if he doesn't have my back, he can get these hands to

[ShadezMcgee]

Ok, Dizzy, I will give you an honest answer, but bear with me here because this will include things I have talked about with you before, but it also involves a level of understanding on your part.

So, to start off with this whole thing, dominance. Like I told you before. The guys you want, ie dominant in bed but quiet and non dominant in everything else is rare. Men tend to be the dominant one in relationships, so that is why he tends to be so more with you. When it comes to other men it can be a sense of trauma or fear of confrontation. I think it is a mix of both with men, but I feel he wants to be dominant in the relationship with you because he doesn't want you pushing him around or adapting the same behaviors as his dad or his boss.

Your guy sounds like a people pleaser and it is a very difficult and nasty mentality to break, because the fear of confrontation and standing up to people will make them believe people will not like them or it will change their perception of them, and that includes you too. When someone has a perception of someone and you try to change the nature of yourself to what is new and what you feel is better and healthy for you and not known to them, they can take it poorly, which may be why he struggles to stand up to his dad and boss. Fear of his dad hating him and fear his boss may fire him for asking for more pay. His friends may be all that he has and he wants to retain the relationships with them, so he may go through with thebplans even if he might not want to. With you, if he becomes meek he may see it as you taking the opportunity to do what his dad and boss does.

You want him to be assertive and dominant to everyone else BUT you. And that is a problem because it has to stay consistent with everyone in order for it to stick. Like you said, you want him to stand up to these other people so you can respect him and feel safe, but what if you cross his boundaries and he stands up to you and tells you to pound sand? How will you take that? Can you bring okay with thay if he stands up to you too or is that an issue?

I am not saying to cut him slack, but address your concerns with him and make sure he understands how it makes you feel. But you also need to understand and empathize with him. If you want your relationship with the guy to grow, you need to stand by and face issues with him.

[DizzyDesii]

I agree about the trauma and confrontation. I also agree about the dominant with me so i dont turnout like his dad/boss but shit he knew i was dominant when he got with me. We stay fighting for the throne and usually just agree to share it because neither of us back down. And he hates losing (mainly to women). I just dont get why he lets these men slide. He is definitely a people pleaser but he's only known his “friends” for almost a year now. Yes he met them before me but they mainly just use him and talk him into shit he doesn't want to do. But he gives in because he admits he wants to be accepted by them and not feel “old”. But dude they’re 17-22. You’re 27. You’re old. he's already standing up to me when its not even called for so shit yea i wish he gave that same energy to these men. The thing is, its not a “me” thing. He just only stands up to women because he feels he can have some power over us that he can't with men. Its sad. I’ve addressed my concerns for about a month now. I’m going to see how next month goes. But every other day is “i should” but he never does. He choses to be weak. I fell for him because he came across as a lone wolf, an alpha type (not the silly alpha shit that frat boys talk about). But yea he is showing that that was just a front. I have been standing by him but he knows not to let me meet his friends because they’ll surely pick at him if i say something to them. I want to say everything he won't

[ShadezMcgee]

Okay, back to the dominance again. That doesn't solve the issue though. Him knowing you are dominant only proves why he can't and probably won't want to flip to submissive like you want him to. Just because you are dominant doesn't mean he can't be and I don't blame him for not wanting to drop it in front of you. I would agree to an extent that he hates losing to women because it would allow him to have a victory over someone that isn't another man, but at the same time, he may feel if he becomes submissive like you want you will do like I said in my posy by becoming like his dad and boss, but at the same time, women can't love a man they don't respect, much less one who cannot carry his masculinity in a way that makes her love and respect him. If he relinquished the dominance bit, he will probably lose any sense of control hee has and becoming what he wants to be.

I won't have much to say about his friends here. I will only say it is kind of odd he wants friends younger, but I get that he wants acceptance and his friends probably give him that, albeit in a way he has to give up time and cater to going out, but at the same time there is no restriction to who one can be friends with. A lot of my friends are older than me these days because I see them as my mentors and easier to get along with.

Well, you say you told him that you were dominant, but in all honesty, you are kind of at fault here too. It takes 80 days for someone's real personality to come out Dizzy. How long have you been with the guy? Did you date the exact same way you always do ie talk and text for a month before the actual date and going straight into a relationship afterward? If so, that is on you. That was why I told you dating in person is important so you can see how they behave and their mannerisms before making a final choice on whether to go further. At this rate, I don't see you guys lasting because this is really eating at you and driving you nuts.

[DizzyDesii]

In the case of him, i’m over him not being submissive because he still allows me to be dominant too. So i can compromise on that. But i need him to have that same energy for MEN. I do love him. Its only recently that i feel like im about to lose respect. He doesn't necessarily want younger friends. he's been working for his boss for a decade but had to go back to school for a certain certificate. So his friends are younger because theyre in school on time while he's gone late. I just dont like that he's older and letting them influence him. I told him several times that they all look up to him as the top aircraft mechanic. And that he should continue to set an example outside of a professional setting too. And yes i’m still doing my way of dating with him. We’re almost 90 days in and he's such a rollercoast I don't know if it’ll surpass that. Thats why i do the 3 month trial run because i get to see true colors before i fully lock in

[ShadezMcgee]

I will hold my tongue on you being over him not being submissive since I know that is a big thing for you and it is probably eating at you inside, but either way, I said what I needed around that bit for now. I do believe he needs to have that energy around men, but it can be hard too, especially with how men can be in terms of confrontation. Not all are calm, some escalate to aggression and anger very quick and it can be tough to do that. Being a guy, it can also get physical more easily too. A guy can swing at another guy easier than swing at another woman if provoked or irritated enough.

I would argue you have lost most of it if not all the respect you hold for him as is looking at some of the other comments you have given others here.

Going back to his friends, yes. Naturally they will be younger given the circumstances, but at the same time, the age difference is another big part of the lifestyle. Younger guys want to go out amd have fun with their boys and hook up if possible. They won't be settling down or want to do much other activities with someone his age. He would have to join a hobby or club to get new friends. Also, one thing to keep in mind here Dizzy, a guy needs to have male friends. He can't be a lone wolf, much less have a woman try to separate him from his friends. Because that doesn't look good on the woman, but at the same time, if shit hits the fan and you guys split, he needs a support group of friends to be there for him and cheer him up. You trying to call out his friends or tell them what is up from your point of view has two additional issues. The first is that your feelings towards them are YOUR feelings, not his. Second, you doing that would only undermine and call his masculinity into question. You see it as protective, but thatbis a double edge sword.

That gun story though. How did that happen? How did he disarm someone with a gun? I want to throw the challenge flag here.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea about the swinging thing, i was intend to ask him last night if he feels he can fight. That could be why he keeps quiet. I wouldn't be surprised if his dad used to hit him. I’ve lost some respect for him but not most. Im still happy being with him. I just get tired of him bringing up each day how he let someone take advantage again and he sees nothing wrong with it. I’m like wait so you’re just cool with that? And his answer is always “i guess” or “idk”. So I don't know he sounds scared of them to me 🤷‍♀️ or either just used to it. And i said the same that if i called them out, they’d question his masculinity but shit i’m already questioning it so i kinda wouldn't give af by then because if he doesn't back me up if/when i say something then i’d leave him anyways. For example, when one friend chose not to drink, that was his time to say “yes this is what I've been saying. I dont want to drink anymore.” But no he still sided with the drunkest one of the group and decided to drink too and was nearly hospitalized. I’ve told him before that he's too much of a leader to be acting like a follower. And speaking of hobbies, he's an aircraft engineer/mechanic so he goes to the shop a lot to fix planes but rn he's at school with them so they all have to share the same hobby.

[ShadezMcgee]

Men should be able to fight if it comes down to it, but honestly you are really starting to tread on thin ice here Desii. Almost comes off like you are trying to start an argument with him at this point. What he needs more than anything at this point is therapy. It is not your job to be his mother and therapist, because this is exactly what happens to women like you. You start to lose respect and resent your men when they don't adjust and keep you as their support system and they stagnant with everythinf. That is why it is important for men to have positive male role models and friends, purpose and confidence so it doesn't keep them down. You cannot and should not try to change him, because this comes off as controlling and molding him into what you want him to be.

I would suggest he goes to a therapist at this point. It will allow him a safe space to unload what he is feeling and allow the therapist to guide him with techniques to take control of his life and daily approach, but the crux of it is it is dependent on him. If he wants the change, he needs to be the one to do it. No amount of you pushing him or trying to control him to do it will work. He will have to learn about things the hard way if he keeps going down the road he is.

[ShadezMcgee]

(Continued)

Back to the respect bit here... below are the reasons why I would say your respect for him is gone.

"You see why he ain't fully got the pussy yet 🤣 "

"I get that he's just now having his college experience but like dude come on, have some backbone"

"I've been coaching him for over a month. Even i’m about to start seeing him as less than if he doesn't learn to believe in himself"

"I’ve been kind for nearly 3 months. I’m about to snap if he dont get his shit together"

"I know which is why i told him to let me know when his balls drop. I couldve said way worse but i know my limits and i know he can't handle my true savageness"

To me, that doesn't sound like a woman who is love or has respect for a man anymore. This is what women say when they have lost it all and are trying to get him to break up with her or vice-versa.

Siding with the head of the group is his way of still retaining a level of leadership in his eyes. Now you say his fixing planes is a hobby. Are you sure it is a hobby or is that a job? What are his real hobbies, Desii?

By the way, you never elaborated on the gun story.

[DizzyDesii]

Im not trying to change him. I just want him to standup for himself and realize when he's being used and abused. And i doubt i could talk him into therapy. I haven't even succeeded at helping him believe in God. He will pray from time to time but he still questions everything. If i knew he was so indecisive and lost from the start, i wouldve avoided getting with him. But he's admitted that he doesn't know who he is or what he technically wants in life. Like he knows what he wants but not when he wants it. And he was always a workaholic before he met me. His last girlfriend was in HS. He didn't even have any friends up until last semester of college. So i wasn't tryna make hima lonewolf. He claimed to have always been one. And he's the one that tells me that they pressure him into stuff so of course im gonna tell him to standup and not just let them keep doing it. But he does. (Continued)

[DizzyDesii]

(Continued) he's talking in circles and it irks me. Like when he got so drunk and puked up blood, i suggested he go to the doc. (He had a drinking issue before we met because his boss drove him to drink. he's been fighting it but it apparently started back when he met these guys. He lied and told me he stopped drinking until i figured it out about 2 weeks ago and called him out then he admitted it. I told him to not let them pressure into stuff he doesn't wanna do. He said he wants to get better for me. I said get better for yourself. I suggested he go to the hospital after puking blood. He got defensive and refused. Then one of the guys suggested he go and he gave in so easily. Im not mad that i dont have “power”. I’m just mad that they do and he doesn't standup for himself. As for the pussy comment, yes he would have been the first person in a long time that i’d be willing to have sex with but thats when i thought he was someone that now I’m not so sure he is. (he's a virgin by the way which is honestly a turnonfor me). As for the college experience, i say that because he said it himself. The coaching thing is true. He asks me for advice but doesn't take it. I have been kind. Even others i know say, what kind of hold does he have over you. You wouldve dumped anyone else like this in a matter of days/weeks. And yes he can't handle my savageness because he acts as if he sees women as weak. He even said last night he needs me to need him more than he needs me. Like what? And no im not self sabotaging. I do still love him but im just questioning how far we can make it. He considers planes his life. He does it as a job and hobby. I mean he fishes and bowls too but thats with the guys of course. And honestly i’d have to ask him for more deets on the gun story. Its just something he mentioned the first week we met

[ShadezMcgee]

Okay, a lot to unpack here. So let's start at the top.

"And i doubt i could talk him into therapy." Again, you can only encourage, not talk him into it as he needs to make that decision like I said, that phrasing comes across as manipulation.

Bear with me now Desii, because I am really going to hit you with some things going off what I have known about you here on the site from questions you have asked and your tastes.

I know you want a man who believes in God (he sounds agnostic). You have said you wanted a man that knows what he wants and is either on the verge of or getting close to that goal be it for family, job, etc (he has an idea but isn't close to figuring out how to get it). You don't like indecision (not consistent with his words). You want a man that can stand up to everyone else, but only submits to you (exact opposite). Good at sex (dude is a virgin). A lot of what I am seeing here is the exact opposite of what you want in the man you are dating, and this tells me that he wasn't vetted well before you made the decision to be in the relationship with him because a lot of what I listed were your dealbreakers at one point. I by no means am trying to dunk on you, but this is on you for picking a guy you are not compatible with. You seem to be more attached and in love with the idea of fixing a man more than finding one who is stable and embodies what you are looking for like you say.

[ShadezMcgee]

(Cont.)

This man of yours has a lot of insecurities and growing up to experience yet. Therapy will be imperative for him, albeit his decision. He has no identity and needs to figure out who he is on his own. You already have yourself figured out. This is a matter of maturity and you both are not on the same level. He needs to grow mentally, and that is not your job to fix it. You can lead and give him the advice but if he doesn't take it, it is on him, not you and you cannot let that get to you. Also, he wasn't a lone wolf by choice, it was a result from being a social outcast/social anxiety if he had no friends up until recently. Social conditioning is something he is getting exposed to now past a developmental stage and it is gonna cost him as he is a late bloomer.

"He even said last night he needs me to need him more than he needs me." He shouldn't NEED you. There is a difference between need and want. A man should want a woman, but he definitely shouldn't need one either. That screams codependent.

Ok, so fishing, bowling and planes. So he does have some semblance of hobbies that he does with these guys. However, he will either get burned by them or grow out of them once he starts to figure himself out.

You should listen to those who have wondered how he has a hold over you. I would say he doesn't. I think it isnyour stubbornness to fit a square peg into a round hole like I mentioned earlier.

Again, this wasn't me trying to be mean or ridicule you Desii, but more so of a friend being real with what he is seeing via relay from you. I understand if you do not wish to discuss this further, but if you do my DMs are open where this can be taken away from other eyes if you wish.

I wasn't asking you to defend yourself as to those quotes I gave in my last reply. I was merely saying my reason for why I believed your respect was gone for him.

I am going to call bullshit on the gun story. That sounds more like a grandiose ass pull as a means to impress you.

[DizzyDesii]

Im going to DM so i can keep up with character count. Plus i wanna mention something regarding the hold

[Anonymous]

Depends if the person has a fundamental problem or going through a phase. If it’s the former I will likely find a way to politely distance myself from them. Reason being I can’t “fix them” and I may find myself having urges to disrespect them myself. These people subconsciously want people to abuse them to validate a deep insecurity they have. It often has to do with childhood trauma they experienced growing up. I can have empathy for that (I had a very rough childhood) but I am not equipped to deal with that.

However if the person is going through a difficult phase that’s different. This requires me knowing the person before they ran into difficult times. It’s very possible that they had an external event traumatize them. For example I got a friend who is a recovering addict and he went way off on the deep end and got in big trouble. The guy is normally extremely smart, confident and talented. Very good communication and interpersonal skills. But he had a very real demon. And it really damaged him very bad but i knew him before this happened.

But he’s been clean for over 3 years now. He’s got a long way to go (he has criminal record). But I am supportive but also will give tough love in a carefully timed scenario.

[DizzyDesii]

I definitely feel the urge to disrespect but i love him to much to. And yea i think the childhood trauma that he rarely talks about is why he lets them do what they do. And now that you mentioned that, it could be the drinking. He started walking for his boss at 17. he's now 27 and I don't know what age he started drinking but he said his boss drove him to drink but that he quit cold turkey in January. That turned out to be a lie when i caught him drunk twice this month. Then he admitted he's been drinking on occasion when his friends pressure him. But then he admitted he drank in August and his friends werent even in the pic at the time. So I don't know maybe his drinking issue is deeper than expected. But he's hid it well to have supposedly done it only 2-3 days within the last 90 days

[Opinion Owner]

He needs to go to AA. The first step is admitting you have a problem TO YOURSELF. Not to someone else.

I’ve had people lose respect for me before including women in romantic scenarios. It wasn’t always fair but on occasion I brought it on myself. It’s a horrible feeling when someone you value changes their mind about you. Extremely horrible.

But I did have to work on somethings with myself.

[Opinion Owner]

Try to be patient as posible with him. When you feel an urge to snipe at him take a deep breath and calmly tell him how you feel. Don’t need to bottle it up but deliver the negative feeling cautiously and directly. But follow up with a resolution i. e. “I don’t like it when you do that. For your sake and mine please do this”.

[Opinion Owner]

Just FYI mean either get ignored or bullied when they are being disrespected. They rarely get tough love. Especially when its coming from a woman vs a man.

Reason being tough love takes mental effort for the other person to deliver. It has to be done privately, calmly along with constructive advice on how they can get their shit together.

[Opinion Owner]

*men either

[DizzyDesii]

I still respect him enough to not go the disrespectful route. And i’ve actually been delivering things to him just as you’ve stated but its becoming repetitive and it makes me want to go off. But we have plans coming up and i’d like to see those through so im trying to be patient. Its just hard because im now learning he's super indecisive and a liar. A bad one but still

[DizzyDesii]

He even said he wants to improve himself (drinking wise) for me. I told him to do it for himself. Then its like he lost motivation. He keeps saying he needs me to NEED him

[Opinion Owner]

This is tough. I think he’s got some deep childhood issues going on. That is especially hard for men to tackle. We don’t like openly admitting that kind of weakness. We tell ourselves we will rise above it. Some of us do but others don’t.

I was bullied viciously in grade school. It was a combination of having undiagnosed ADHD, a peacemaker outlook on life and a very controlling mother who overly care about her “image” and me not misbehaving (which made me hesitant to fight back in conflicts and “not make a scene”). As much as I hated her for that I’ve learned to forgive her.

But that runs deep. Men aren’t ever going to admit that to women they are just starting to date either. Reason being there is a good chance the woman will quickly reject him and not even give him a chance. That’s why we “front” more because dating is harder for us when all else is equal to begin with. So I see why he fronted with you.

[DizzyDesii]

Thing is, i’m the only person he's ever felt comfortable sharing as much as he has shared. So i try not to push for him to tell more. But his stories change a lot. he's a rollercoaster and its getting hard to believe a lot especially since he doesn't care to fix any of it. I wouldn't be surprised if he has undiagnosed adhd or tourettes. Once he told me drinks a certain tea to tune out thoughts that constantly go through his head so I don't know what he's referring to specifically. He also suffered from depression long before we met but I don't know how long ago. I just know that if he was still depressed, i couldnt be with him. All he mentioned was that his dad was super strict and that he got into aircraft stuff due to his parents encouraging it. Yet his dad failed at getting into that industry and i think he's bothered by his son succeeding in it. Then his boss constantly tells him he's not worth shit and underpays him. he's dealt with that for 9 years despite the clients telling him he's the best aircraft engineer/mechanic at the hangar. But he says he can't leave until he gets a certain license and a signature for his logbook. Something that could take another year or two ig. Bt he already has his private flying license. Then his friends (who he sees 3 months a year at trade school) pressure him into drinking and who knows what else. He tells me he didn't want to drink but that it feels good to drink and fit in. I don't know why he wants to fit in so badly. And believe it or not, he did admit a lot to me after just afew weeks of knowing me because of how similar we seemed day one. But now im seeing soooo many differences. He says he doesn't know who he is but that he knows what he wants just not when he wants it

[Opinion Owner]

I got a feeling he won’t be stuck in this predicament forever.

Anyway I don’t know what to say.

[Opinion Owner]

However I will say dealing with a abusive father is much easier for guys to overcome. Abusive mother is far far worse.

[DizzyDesii]

I have a verbally abusive mother and grandmother so i get it. But i also had a boyfriend who helped me to overcome their ways. Im trying to be there for this guy now and help
Him overcome his friends/dad/boss and he says he wants to but he doesn't try to. Its a circle of “i will.” Then “I didn't but should have.” If we SOMEHOW last then next fall i’m going to be visiting his campus (couldnt this year due to work) and i’ll help him gain a voice. They might talk shit in regards to it, I don't know but i just wanna have his back. Yet i have seen where i dont think he’d have mine so I don't know what to make of that

[Opinion Owner]

You might not be able to help him with this. It’s something he need to do on his own.

[DizzyDesii]

He’ll have nearly a year before he's back at school. If im still with him and nothings been done before then than i’ll speak for him

[DizzyDesii]

I recommended AA last night and he said he’d consider it but of course he said he wants to try to focus elsewhere (on me) to avoid alcohol. I mean i can't argue with that but sounds like a copout. He also went into detail about his parents and surprisingly his dad never hit him but his mom who he adores, he admit he fears her because she used to hit him and he’d end up in the hospital and have to lie about how he got hurt. That shit really shocked me

[NathanDavis]

personally... I'd first make it about understanding

as in, I would like to first understand why is this person acting like this, or why this person is like this (yes, there's a difference sometimes) and also, how come did the situation ended being like this or reached to this point

maybe they don't even fully understanding it themselves... so they're not ready to address this situation or they don't know how to approach it in the first place

especially when it comes to "dominance among males" which, can very possibly include different factors and levels of violence and intimidation, aggressiveness and what not and even more so when "women get in the way"

I know one thing very well though... you already mentioned a gun, and you've mentioned things that involve fear and insecurities and these two never mix well, not at all... I'd be extremely careful with this, lol

[DizzyDesii]

I tried to make it about understanding. I tried to understand for months why he's like this and his answer is always “idk”. The most he’ll say is that his dad was overly strict and that his mom often had to take up for him. And he’ll say his boss constantly tells him he isn't shit, but all the clients know he's the best worker at the hangar. So as far as i understand, the two men he's been around the longest take advantage and now he's letting his younger group of friends do so. Its weird to me that he sees the issue with his boss/dad but not his friends. They use him for transport and pressure him into stuff and he just lets it happen. As for the gun thing, it wasn't like a gang activity thing. More of a public rescue type thing

[Vikkrram]

Look for me personally if a guy did something wrong or let's say he did something which made him loose his self respect then you can say that ok it's first time anyone can face this situation.

But if it's on daily basis like he can't stand for himself, he always have the let it go kinda attitude, he doesn't want to get involved in any situation then for me it's a huge turn off.

(AND Don't listen to guys that they did this , guys brag sometimes a lot 🤣)

[DizzyDesii]

Guys brag about what?

[Vikkrram]

Like they have beaten a group of people they have done things like jump from effil tower , etc

[DizzyDesii]

Oh like the disarming someone with a gun 🤣

[Vikkrram]

Yes you got that 😜 , when a guy says something like this in front of guys we know that he is capable of and what he might have done.🤣

[RoseySarah]

What?

Honestly quickly lose respect for that person!

If it's just dad to son then sure but this sounds like he is weak around other men and whines his mommy will help not him?

Legs closed!

Can't stand guys who are rugs to fit in. Shows your the group rug they wipe their feet on!

[DizzyDesii]

Ahh you’re preaching 😭😩

[DizzyDesii]

You see why he ain't fully got the pussy yet 🤣

[RoseySarah]

Haha another guy on here needs a pussy so glad I helped my friend dodge that micro bullet.

She deserves better!

And so do you! Big hug 🤗

[Anemone978]

You usually will not find a dominant man in life that won't be dominant over you.. LOL that just seems like a rare trait.. My man is dominant in all ways, it is attractive for living but it sucks in a relationship because he always wants me to listen to him/do what he wants which I find very annoying since he doesn't listen to me.

[Anemone978]

Also people are hard to change so don't go into a relationship hoping to change them, just accept they are not right for you and move on..

[DizzyDesii]

I've dated lots of men who aren't that dominant witth me and i like that. However he is not standing up for himself when it comes to men doing him dirty and that bothers me. And im not intentionally trying to change him. I just want him to have a backbone

[iron_ninjs]

It's very hard to answer this question.
The problem is that every person has different criteria for giving respect to others.
One way to boost his self respect. But that will only work, if the person is willing to change. If he's not willing, your respect will diminish, if he continues the way he is now.
In my friend group, I'm usually the one to stand up against the "group leader", if I think I'm being peer pressured into something.

[DizzyDesii]

I think he's gotten used to shit for so long that he probably isn't willing to change. He says he wants to but hardly makes an effort to do so. He talks noise but won't back it up. he's also never had anyone to have his back until he met me. And then he can hardly handle it because he wants to fight his own battles (which he hardly fights and just lets mf slay him). He even said he's never loved himself before. That kinda scares me because i didn't think self love was important until an experience i had in 2019. So yea I don't know how to help him

[iron_ninjs]

Yeah. Self love is important, because it gives you the confidence to change.
This might sound harsh, but he seems like he's dependent on that group of friends. And doesn't want to lose their friendship, even if it means they would take advantage of him. He likes being in a group dynamic. Maybe, try to teach him how to not be dependent, to be more of a lone wolf. Although, I can't be sure if it will work.
That worked for me, so my friends don't do that to me.

[DizzyDesii]

Its crazy because he's such a lonewolf when he's back home. Thats what i liked about him. But when he goes off to school, he hangs with like 5 guys and just does whatever tf they say despite being the oldest of the bunch. I get that he's just now having his college experience but like dude come on, have some backbone. He also hasn't had a girlfriend since HS but he's not as dependent on me like he is on his friend group. I don't know why he looks up to men so much, specifically the ones who do him so dirty

[iron_ninjs]

Wait. Does he show backbone with you? If he does with you and not his friends, something doesn't add up.

[DizzyDesii]

Thats what i’m saying. He shows a backbone with me and any other woman. He doesn't even wanna listen to us. For example
When i told him to go to the doc after he threw up blood from drinking so much, he fought me on it and said he’d only go if his friends suggest it. I wouldn't consider him a misogynist but he makes it clear that the only opinions that he will really listen to is whatever the bullies (his dad, boss and friends) suggest. The mf is whipped

[iron_ninjs]

Besides talking to him about it, I don't know what else to do, that won't backfire.

[Joshydavid25]

Well you realize that they are human and have their flaws just like you do.. Trust me he wants to do all those things you mentioned but it takes time, he's still young, but at that age where his habits are kinda set.. I don't think you should nag him about it or make him feel bad.. Just continue to support and judge him in the right direction.. Don't make him feel like a chump because he'll definitely leave or lash out at some point..

[DizzyDesii]

I never said i wasn't flawed. And you say he wants to do the shit but he ain't even trying. And he ain't that young. I dont feel sorry for long for mfs who are 25+ and can't standup for themselves. I’ve tried not to make him feel bad but this weekend i started to snap because how you gone go disrespecting what we got going just because you can't standup to mfs who dont respect you. Mf got me fcked up

[Joshydavid25]

Yeah I never said you said that, I was just saying that we all got our sh! t that stinks.. His is that he has a hard time asserting himself to other man it seems.. But he probably does want to stand up for himself but just ain't have the balls to change.. That's exactly what I was saying, he's young but not that young so he's set in his ways and it'll be hard to break... I can see how it would be frustrating to see a man constantly get out down and he doesn't try to at least stand up for himself.. But, I don't know you gotta be patient and continue to nudge him in the right direction, and if that's something you can't do, then he ain't for you.

[DizzyDesii]

I wouldn't care if it wasn't interfering with what we got goin. He lettin them mfs get in the way of our plans. He lucky i ain't met them cause i’d go off

[Joshydavid25]

Well, you said it yourself the man has some childhood trauma.. It seems as though he never got the approval from his father that he wanted and that's why he lets his boss walk over him and likes approval from his friends.. Even if they are younger than him.. He's seeking male approval..

[DizzyDesii]

Okay thats the words i was looking for… “male approval”. I’ll throw that out there next argument

[Joshydavid25]

Lmao.. Don't argue with him about it Desii.. It's just something he gotta work through regardless.. He seems to have never had a man give him the maternal love he needs, and the fact that he has a father around who he probably feels didn't love him makes it worse..

[DizzyDesii]

He ain't never had a womans love either aside from his mothers. He better stop playin with me

[Joshydavid25]

He had his mother's love obviously.. Lmao.. Like I mentioned, I get the frustration, but there's little you can do about it.. It's up to him to wanna work through it.. Fussing ain't gonna help except make both of y'all more angry..

[DizzyDesii]

Fussing make me feel better tho lmao. I like to vent

[Sparkie460]

Knowing you like I do, I know you've already talked to him about this. Somehow you have to coach him to grow a backbone to be able to stand up for himself. He obviously has been like this for a long time, if not forever.
A guy should always stand up for his girl.

[DizzyDesii]

I've been coaching him for over a month. Even i’m about to start seeing him as less than if he doesn't learn to believe in himself

[Sparkie460]

It's not going to happen overnight. He's been this way for years. You might see him start changing in about 6 months

[DizzyDesii]

If he ain't got it together by or before January then ima have to bounce

[Jamie05rhs]

@DizzyDesii I think you need to listen to @Sparkie460. Sparkie is wise. He knows what he is talking about.

[Sparkie460]

@Jamie05rhs thanks buddy.

[Jamie05rhs]

You're welcome!

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

I used to work with my boyfriend

Our boss at that time, woman in her 50-60, used hand of my boyfriend as ashtray when she smoked...

And He let her doi it.

When i saw that and was disgusted and said :why do you let her do this to you? this is beyond embarrassing , wtf are you doing?

He got angry with Me... not Her🤷🏽‍♀️

[DizzyDesii]

Wtffff he just let her burn him. And the fact he got angry with you! Yea they must just tolerate abuse at this point

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

She wasn't burning him it was dry ashh and used cigarettes... but yeah

[DizzyDesii]

Thats still crazy

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

His ex broke his finger
And he still stayed with her
She cheated on him and went to have a dinner with him And the guy she was fucking. Later he discovered who that guy was, the one she was cheating with.
He left her and moved out... after some time she came back to him crying, he took her back in his new house.
And finally when he returned home with her and their daughter, becaude he kept saying it was Only to be closer to his daughter since his ex was a heroin addict, she sued him for domestic violence and abuse... he spent 11 mon th in jail based on lies.
He is not able to even step on a damn fly, let alone hit a woman.

[DizzyDesii]

I dont think he should ever hit a woman but he absolutely should have a voice and speak up

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

Well he didn't and payed huge price
Losing everything even his clothes car and documents
He came outta prison homeless

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

He didn't hit her, never touched her

[DizzyDesii]

I do hate that he went to prison and was falsely accused but where is she now

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

No idea
Somewhere stealing to sell stuff to get heroin i guess

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

Ah yes!!! after prison he was seeing her!! tried to get her off drugs... she was at his home
After everything she did to him
He took her back again
But she stole from him so he said no more at his house

This was 4 years ago. When we were dating 2 years ago
She appeard, saying she wants to give him his old stuff and wants to meet (stuff he lost before prison)
He said No and she said she will set all things on fire
He blocked her.

[Billlewis]

Oh my goodness... that is so incredibly exciting!

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

@Billlewis its bullshit lol its like mental asylum at this point

[Billlewis]

That is so unbelievably exciting ❤️

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

@Billlewis ok...

[RavVid]

Is it worth all this effort? If you have to stand up for him all the time...

[DizzyDesii]

Im hoping it won't be all the time. I’m hoping if i can have his back around them, he’ll back me up. But I don't know he seems to really be seeking male approval

[soe11]

• Be serious with the folk.
• Do not be submissive in any matter.
• Always play with level.

I hope you like my answers and advice.

Have a lovely day

[DizzyDesii]

I am serious. I’m rarely submissive. And i almost wish i was on a level playing field but i ain't

[soe11]

DizzyDesii
If you want to live in this planet must be stronger than others, otherwise will be depressed and hopeless life.

[DizzyDesii]

Did you even read above? Im not the one whose acting weak. He is

[DreamLife7]

He's right in his approach in my opinion by not saying anything to you dad. It's an odd situation bc it's your family.

[DizzyDesii]

Man fck that

[DreamLife7]

I'm confused are we talking your dad?

[DizzyDesii]

No i dont respect my dad. But his dad doesn't respect him and i want him to have a backbone. He wants me to meet them and claims that if his dad says something stupid, his mom will have my back. No mf you need to have my back

[DreamLife7]

Wait what 🤣🤣😭😭. His mom will have your back? He's the boyfriend he should have your back wtf 🤣🤣🤣. Omg okay I get what you mean now

[DreamLife7]

Ok I thought we were talking about your dad in the beginning

[DizzyDesii]

No im talkin bout my dude being weak when it come to the men in his life

[Abdulwahh]

Yeah it will make more sense if he's assertive in all areas especially when he's dad is wrong. Speak to him make him understand, tell him that standing up can be done in a respectful manner.

[DizzyDesii]

I’ve done that and he just backs down or gets defensive. I don't know how he can see the issue with his boss/dad but not his friends

[Jerre]

I don’t, I usually disassociate myself from that person.

[DizzyDesii]

Probably smart

[Jerre]

@DizzyDesii Thank you for the Like

[krin_m]

That is a tough one. On one hand, you want to respect people in general but how do you respect someone who does not respect themselves.

[DizzyDesii]

I’m only even trying to still respect him because i love him. If i didn't, i’d tell him about himself. But i dont want him falling into depression or some shit

[krin_m]

Makes sense.
I think the best thing you can do in this situation is to be kind and patient.
It still is tough.

[DizzyDesii]

I’ve been kind for nearly 3 months. I’m about to snap if he dont get his shit together

[Phoenix98]

I don't because respect in my book is earned not given and given that the amount of people I respect can be counted on two hands chances are that person ain't one of em.

[ohsheeT]

If people are loud or boisterous attention getting I just kind of stay away from them.

[Agape93]

I treat them how I think they deserve, now how they think they deserve

[Jamie05rhs]

The only real issue I see here is his friends. I think you need to focus on that one and give him some slack on the others.

[TallAnon]

Unfortunately, I instinctively don't.

[DizzyDesii]

Probably the right move

[SunnyRS]

Is this the same guy we talked about desi?

[DizzyDesii]

Yeap

[SunnyRS]

If that's the case You really do love him.
And I believe you will work things out with him and put him on the right track.

[DizzyDesii]

I do love him and i’m trying but im getting impatient

[SunnyRS]

I understand that desi and trust me when I say this, it is not going to get easy soon but if you loose your head now your relationship won't get any better.
What you said to him is fine cause you need to be stern and tell him how you feel but don't snap on him more then it he could handle.
The situation here is like a rubber band, you need to pull on it to make it tight but if you pull too much it would break.

[DizzyDesii]

I know which is why i told him to let me know when his balls drop. I couldve said way worse but i know my limits and i know he can't handle my true savageness

[SunnyRS]

I know and you did the correct thing.
Be stern with him and for anything else, you can talk to me.

[DizzyDesii]

Alright i’ll try but i really wanna dropkick this dude lmao

[SunnyRS]

Hey if you wanna do that put him in scissor lock that way you can have some fun too

[DizzyDesii]

That actually turns him on 😂

[SunnyRS]

Oh I thought the vice versa.
But if that's the case then don't

[SunnyRS]

Wow it's raining likes today, thanks for that.
Well since you are up voting, do share and subscribe to the channel.

[DizzyDesii]

😂😂😂