My family expect too much from me, what to do?

[Anonymous]

My adoptive parents expect me to be like their full time carer. My biological parents expect me to be the doting and loving child now that I’m grown up and they’ve finally sorted themselves out to have a relationship with me- like I owe them my attention because they are my biological parents or something. It’s all just having a really negative effect on my wellbeing (everyone thinking I owe them something and need to pay them back somehow), what should I do?

Updates

+1 y

When I try to set boundaries they get offended

[Oliverlogan263]

Girrrl, I feel you so hard on this one. Families can be so draining sometimes with their expectations! Here's what I would do:

- Set boundaries. Tell everyone you love them but need to focus on your own well-being and can't be everything to everyone.

- Compromise where you can, like visiting adopted parents 1-2x/week instead of 24/7 caregiving. Do what you can sustainably.

- Spend real quality time with your bio fam to build the relationship, but on YOUR terms - not as payback for the past.

- Remind people you appreciate all they've done, but you're your own person now and can't live your life solely for others. It's not fair to you.

- Consider family counseling so a therapist can help explain healthy boundaries to them. Sometimes an outsider gets through better.

- Make sure to schedule YOU time for self-care too. Go get your nails done, meet a friend - recharge so you have bandwidth to give where you choose.

- You gotta do you, babe! They'll adjust - might take time but remember you come first. They'll understand or they won't, but you stick to your guns, a'ight? 💪

[ProbablyClueless]

You could just set boundaries in what you are and are not willing to give each person? It sounds like a huge amount of tension could be resolved here by communication of healthy, reasonable expectations.

There's no need to cut anyone off or get rude about it, but just communicate and don't be afraid to say "no" when you don't have the ability to comfortably give someone something.

[ProbablyClueless]

It's not your job to make them feel good about your boundaries.

[slatyb]

You don't owe them anything. Do what you want.