Overly dependent family, what can I do?

[Anonymous]

Me and my long distance girlfriend have been together for 2 years and we talk every single day with a bit of communication here and there throughout the day. Some things that have prevented us from closing the distance is the fact that I didn't get vacation days at my current job of which I work 55 hours per week for the past 3 years until finally I got 2 weeks to use this year.

Her parents are divorced and she lives with her mom and 3 little brothers. Her mom is too crazy as well as being physically and mentally handicapped, she's been afraid that if she tells her mom, she'll kick her out. My girlfriend helps her work but gets very little and she drives her 3 little brothers to and from school as well as her mom to and from work every day.

Then she cooks, cleans the dishes, puts them away, goes grocery shopping, does the laundry and folds it, vacuums, takes her brothers to and from their sports games at night every day, takes them to and from church and her dad's house, and she also goes to college full time.

In between each of those things, we talk. She also pays her student loans by herself since her mom won't pay and her dad won't either but I help her as best I can with the money I have to keep her afloat. I'm pursuing a career soon but I want to see her first with my vacation days as it'll likely be at least a year before I get vacation time in my career but she's very scared of being caught although one of her good cousins knows and is supportive of us.

I love her with all of my heart and I understand why she doesn't want her mom to know but I'm tired of her family members holding her and us back. I live at home, too but that's due to the recent rent spike in which rent literally tripled and now I can't afford my own place until i start my career. My family members have drained me and I disconnected with them. She and I intend to have her move in with me in 2 years but her family needs to stop leaning on her, what should I do?

Tell her to leave her family

Do something else

[shaysh87]

things will look very bad for her if she ever breaks up with you and decides to go back to her family. There is a good chance they will reject her forever.

I'd say for right now, get your career established before you move out and decide to rent an expensive apartment. Its very difficult to do so , even if you combine your income with a college student who doesn't have a decent paying job. All that rent money could've been saved for emergency savings. Americans simply do not know how to save money that is why you are all broke, living paycheck to paycheck.

[Alexisjj]

Same but I would have a little less to do with them but still make them feel loved

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

Wow complicated. Need more info. How old is each of you?
Why does she feel her mom will kick her out if she is such a vital part of the family? That part does not make sense to me. It tosses a red flag that it might be a way to excuse keeping things hidden about you. Are there other reasons you both feel the need to keep a normal decent relationship hidden?

The choices offered in the vote to tell her to leave her family seems wrong on several levels.
Have to say patiently find a solution. I can't see her just quitting her family when things are not ideal is going to make for a better life where quitting things that don't seem ideal becomes the solution.
To me this sacrifice and determination makes this a high quality woman. I hope its rubbing off on you as well (if you need it to)
Family is important. And if you want a life with someone and make your own family the best indicator is how they treat their parents and their family now.

[Asker]

We're both 22, and it is rubbing off on me but it's difficult to enjoy more of it when she's always so busy because others lean on her

[Alexisjj]

I would wait for a while than see if she really likes you, before you leave her. Coming from me girls sometimes pretend to like you for other your money or your looks.

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

I know quite a few people like this woman. They feel deeply connected and secure where they are. And they are needed. They will never abandon the people they love, support, and who depend on them. If she is anything like them then I doubt your wanting to "save" her and take her away is going to be a positive thing for either of you. Because you are not doing that at all. All you can do is chip in, much like you are doing. But don't expect any of that to be an investment that you should expect a return on. Just do it to help. Any man that is not there for that will most likely get petted like a puppy, a nice cuddly "awe how cute" then left in the store.
Your love for her must be absolutely genuine and it will be tested to prove to both of you that it is. And I can say you will need to shore up the real man that is inside you, have some strength, determination, endurance, patience, and self sacrifice. You have to have something of real value to offer. Or you will just be someone else who takes up her time... but in this case it will be waster her time.

So you sound like you got a keeper who is entrenched. You best be ready to pay the price or look for something cheaper.

[Alexisjj]

See this is what I was doing trying to give you the conference you had in your self for this question to betruthful I had no idea

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

@Alexisjj Is that directed at me or the Asker? The comment above you posted seems quite pertinent and sound.
My follow up comment was directed directly to the asker. As he responded to the questions I asked for clarification.
But I will answer if its directed to me.

[Alexisjj]

Kinda both

[Wsx2wsx2ws]

@Alexisjj For me I see it this way. People have a life. They are gears that are spinning in the interwoven machine of their life. Some people are vital gears that keep their family, their carrier, the world they live in moving. Some are just there on special moments, very conditional.
If we don't spin with them, at the same speed what do we do? Make the whole machine change? or do we change to keep pace. If we cannot adapt to that position, then it likely is better we find another place to fit in.

Relationships don't just happen. And then just work out. This is the main reason I say over and over to people. Find who you want to be. Hang around people who are like that already. And the rest will follow.

So I agree with your confidence comment. Have confidence in your ability to adapt, contribute real meaning, and to sacrifice. If your life is going to change there are always sacrifices count and to make.

[maximumpower]

blood is thicker than water.
this isn't going away.
commit or break contact.
remember - there are more fish in the sea.

[Asker]

I don't want anyone but her

[DaisyM23]

there's not much you can do to make her get over her need to look after her family, she can be tired of them and may resent them at times but i bet she feels like she has familial duty towards them - plus, how old are her brothers, because in cases like this where the parents don't really do much, the older sibling steps up so if she leaves, the oldest brother would have to have all the pressure you know?
it's definitely a conversation to have, to ask her what her plans are for the future including her family

[TransAm85]

I can relate to your girlfriend. That's how it was for me when I was growing up, cept I had no dad and only 1 brother. My mom put everything on me! Tell your girlfriend not to feel bad and let them manipulate her into thinking she's responsible for helping them. She's an adult now? She needs to establish and live her own life. To this day, my mother still believes I owe her for raising me. lol Nobody asks to be brought into this world.

[boggboss]

U can't do anything its down for her to do something

[Anonymous]

You're being selfish. "Family First." She cares a lot about them.

[Asker]

I am her family now and I give back to her, all her family does is take, take, take and shout when she wants to take 10 minutes to breathe

[LilyoftheLake]

That sounds like a Get Her the Heck Out situation.

[Jamie05rhs]

I think she's scamming you, bro.

[baserunner611]

Soon, or later, you must have with or depressions