Help being less avoidant?

[woothewoo]

so a friend of mine is really struggling with changing. i won’t go into detail but he wants to be less avoidant and able to form secure relationships with people. what advice would you give him?

Updates

+1 y

edit: so there’s been so great reply’s, but here’s a little more about him. he can talk to people but eventually he’ll shut down and become mean basically self sabotaging everything. he hates anyone getting too close and he uses the fact that people say he’s like his dad to justify the way he acts.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

That's quite an extensive topic to my understanding. I generally dislike just suggesting therapy but that might be the absolute best solution.

Short of that, I'm very much a believer in exposure therapy: overcome our deepest fears by confronting them.

For example, if someone is afraid of being rejected, go out and ask a bunch of people out and get exposed to being rejected and realize it's not so bad. If someone is afraid of being criticized even constructively, go into an environment that invites a lot of constructive criticism (ex: art critiques). If someone is shy, go out and talk to a bunch of people at a social event. If someone is afraid to open up about their thoughts and feelings, practice doing it with close people and then work up to doing it with complete strangers.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

In response to the update, maybe he needs to catch himself in that moment when he's about to shut down and push people away. If he can just pause for a second and think rationally about what he really wants, he might be able to make a better, wiser choice instead of an emotional and impulsive one.

[woothewoo]

yea that definitely sounds like a good plan. now it’s all about if he’s actually gonna attempt it or continue to be terrified of the thought of change.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

My main psychological struggle was anger issues when I was younger. I don't know if it's similar to avoidance but the toughest part for me was just learning to hit the virtual pause button when I was getting angry thoughts, like angry thoughts that my girlfriend was being unfair to me that made me want to get defensive and yell and escalate the conflict.

Once I started to get the hang of just pausing when that started though, it was easy for me to ask if shouting at her and making things worse is that I really want or if I want to make things better and hug it out and talk calmly. Then it was a no-brainer what I really wanted and the anger quickly subsided and I started to choose the much wiser options.

The hardest part was just learning to pause for a sec in those moments. That's the hardest part.

[Cutegirl06]

I would have him start out slowly and let him gain confidence. If he starts slow he can build up his confidence whereas if he tried doing it all at once he and doesn't make it he'll think he failed. You're a nice friend for helping him.