I know I ruined my relationship with my daughter, but it’s been three years. I don’t understand why she can’t forgive me?

[daniel]

I know I’m responsible for ruining my relationship with my daughter, but it’s been three years, and I don’t understand why she can’t forgive me. Three years ago, I married my current wife who is 22 years old, which caused a lot of backlash from my friends, family, and especially my daughter. She begged me not to marry her and even asked my wife to leave me. In a moment of anger, I said things I regret deeply, telling my daughter I wished she was never born and that she meant nothing to me. Since then, we haven’t spoken. I recently found out about her engagement through social media, which broke me. I’ve tried reaching out, but she’s blocked me. I miss her and don’t want to miss more of her life. I need advice on how to reconnect with her.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man that really sucks dude. Family stuff can get so messy and emotional. Three years is a long time, but I totally get why your daughter wouldn't want to talk to you after something that hurtful. If my dad said that to me I'd be messed up for a long time too.

I guess all you can do is keep trying to reach out in a really calm, caring way and hope she's willing to listen someday. Maybe write her a letter explaining everything you regret and how much you miss her, but don't pressure her or make it about you and your feelings. Just let her know you understand if she never wants contact again, but the door is open if she changes her mind. You still messed up big time, so it's up to her now.

Give her space, but find other ways to show your support from afar like sending a gift or card for her big life stuff just so she knows you're proud. Actions will hopefully mean more than words at this point. Counseling could help you too to make sure you never hurt her like that again if you do reconnect. All you can do is keep trying to make amends and hope eventually she's willing to talk. Just go slow and respect her boundaries no matter what. I hope things work out man.

[blueonblack22]

This might take a lot of time. Unless you were cheating on your daughters mother (were you ever married to her mother?) then your daughter was in the wrong on how she criticized your new marriage. But your daughter is young woman herself. We both know that when we are young we have much more idealistic view of the world. Time teaches us that not everybody is black and white.

Anyway you definitely screwed up by how you reacted to your daughter. I understand she pushed you to the brink but it sounds like you have a temper.

You need to seriously ask yourself the following: do you want to reconcile with your daughter because you can’t stand the crushing guilt OR do you legitimately want what is best for your daughter? I get that’s not an easy question to answer. It’s probably both. But truly question your primary motivation.

You also did the right thing owning up to being wrong on you reacted to her. Again that doesn’t mean she was in the right on how she criticized you. But two wrongs don’t make a right either. I think you have come to understand that.

[blueonblack22]

*not everything Is black and white.

[PeachyPie93]

Good luck with that.. You NEVER say that to your kid..
My dad cheated when I was 17, I caught him and he proceeded to pick the slut instead of me and my mom. I love my dad still but I hold a grudge against him, and only see him when he invites me over which isn't often. Like I haven't talked to him in almost a year and I don't make effort with it even though he came last year and gave me $300 for my birthday. I am now 35 and still pissed he is with her.. but if my dad said THAT to me I wouldn't be talking to him at all lol.

[blueonblack22]

He’s trying to own up to it. Not like he is self justifying what he said.

[PeachyPie93]

@blueonblack22 That is understandable.. but it is something that should of never came out of your mouth.. that is like the worst thing you could ever say to a child, especially over a woman.

[blueonblack22]

I’ve had similar things said to me by own mother in the heat of the moment. She has NEVER apologized for anything she said to me. Never. She doesn’t think she’s capable of doing wrong. Doesn’t help that’s the exact same attitude of her own mother. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Now I have a very distant and superficial relationship. Do I like her? Obviously not. Do respect her? Complicated question because I definitely don’t respect her “admitting fault = admitting defeat” attitude. But do I love her? Well she did bring me into this world and raise me. I will always love and respect her THAT fundamental. If it wasn’t for her I would never exist. Same for this guy’s daughter.

Point being this attitude of nursing a (justified at the moment) grudge is going to be just as destructive to this guy’s daughter’s mental health as has been for him. It might take her a very long time to come an around. But I hope she does not only for her dads sake but for her own.

Again he’s owning up to all of this. You have to respect that. It’s possible for his daughter to forgive him yet never forget it. Their relationship may never be the same again but at least she can acknowledge him as her dad.

[PeachyPie93]

@blueonblack22 Yes but considering you had similar shit said to you, you know how painful that can be and still said it to your own child. Your child you are supposed to love and protect. You are supposed to break the cycle and instead you chose to be the same as your mother. I would never put my child through what I went through as a kid. Like yes you can love and respect your parents and know they are sorry.. but that doesn't mean you need to keep someone that hurts you in your life. All you can do is keep trying so she knows you love her and she might come around.

[blueonblack22]

Oh I definitely up a very firm and clear boundary with my mother. Haven’t had a genuine conversation in 8 years. She’s knows she’s crossed a line with me. I’ve had several ignorant people chastise me over it too.

But forgivesness isn’t the same as enablement.

[PeachyPie93]

@blueonblack22 Well that is good so you should understand where his daughter is coming from though because what he said was super wrong..

[blueonblack22]

No one is arguing that what he said is okay. It was horrible. But there are two major points to consider:

1. He was provoked. Sure his daughter is going to be upset that her dad is marrying a much younger woman and no longer with her mother. I have no idea what happened with her mother and her dad either. But still her dad is an adult marrying another adult. She had no right to tell his young fiancé to not marry her dad. She crossed a HUGE LINE there. Big time. I can see how that would of infuriated him.

Now does mean he was justified to respond the way he did? Hell no. That was horrible. But there is context given he was provoked. He just didn’t say this to his daughter out of nowhere or was having a bad day.

2. He’s completely owning up to being wrong. This part is HUGE. I personally am more pissed off at my own mother’s ATTITUDE about the wrong things she had done vs. the actual incidents in themselves. That’s what is holding back to from me reconciling from her (forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation by the way).

But this guy flat out admitted what he said and how it was very wrong. There is a fundamental difference there.

Anyway his daughter is a grown woman and she can make an adult choice to either forgive her dad or spend the rest of her life holding a grudge against him. But really which choice is better or worse for her own mental health and well-being?

There is just too much unforgiveness in our culture today. It is not only destructive to the person who did wrong but it’s also very harmful for be person who was wronged.

And again it might take her a long time to come around and justifiably so. But I hope she does not only for her dad’s sake but also for her own.

[PeachyPie93]

@blueonblack22 1. His wife maybe an adult but is probably close to his daughters age considering he is at least 23 years older. Her telling someone not to marry him is not any reason to say he wishes she was never born and she means nothing to him. <-- My dad has said some mean shit to me but he would never say THAT to me and I was a bad ass kid.
2. Yes, but that is what you are not getting.. just because someone apologizes that doesn't take back what happened.. She does not need to forgive him. Personally I think it is fine she doesn't. He chose a woman over her, that to me is unforgivable by any parent.
He has to work for forgiveness and that is that, he doesn't deserve it just by whining about it. To be honest it probably doesn't effect her at all, considering a dad who would say that over a young stupid girlfriend he was probably a dick and a burden in her life anyways.

[blueonblack22]

You are not getting the bigger picture and you are projecting your own anger about your relationship into how you are judging this. You already have your mind completely made up about this guy.

You probably think I am arguing just on this guys behalf but I am not. I am saying what exactly is best for her daughter.

Her holding a lifelong grudge over him will extent more into her personal life and relationships with other people then you realize. I highly doubt she will be able to compartmentalize that effectively. It will impact her marriage and even her relationship with her own kids if she decides to a mother.

Believe what you want. But two wrongs don’t make a right. That doesn’t mean she owes her dad automatic forgiveness just because he had an epiphany. But again her holding a life long grudge against him (and not taking into account that she pushed him to the brink with she herself said to him/his fiancé) will only self sabotage her own mental health in the long run.

But ask yourself this. If this guy really is such a irredeemable scumbag father like you want to believe would he admitted the ugly details in this question (the age of his new wife, exactly what he said, etc). I don’t think so. If he thinks he’s the “victim” he would of talked in generalities vs. coming clean.

[PeachyPie93]

@blueonblack22 I might not get the bigger picture since I am very much for right now but my anger for my own dad has nothing to do with this guy. It has to do with what I personally would accept from a person, let alone my own father. I personally think what he did is unacceptable.

How is it best for his daughter? What if he gets mad at her again and says something just as awful as that again, what would be the point in forgiving? Anyone who could say that shit once is very capable of saying it again.

It won't affect anything if she doesn't feel anything about him or just totally forgets about him.. So no not really, you can just treat people as if they don't exist and move on with your life not to think or be bothered by him.

Yes two wrongs don't make a right but I very much believe in do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So if you fuck with me I will fuck with you, if you are good to me, I am good to you. That is one easy ass brink to tell your kid that, because if his wife was willing not to marry him just because she asked she didn't love him anyways. But she did marry him so there was no reason for the words.

Any person who marries someone the same or very close in age to his own child has issues.. just because someone can admit their wrong doings doesn't mean he isn't scumbag.. He also chose someone replaceable over his kid, if he can chose someone else first why should she think he wouldn't do it again. Why be bothered with someone like that? Losing a parent doesn't really effect you that much unless you hold onto it. Honestly I don't know why you are arguing with me, my mind was already made up when I wrote my opinion. He already told me everything I need to know so that I personally wouldn't want him as a father. I judge people harshly because I don't put up with people hurting me, since people have a tendency to do it more than once if you accept it.

[blueonblack22]

“ Any person who marries someone the same or very close in age to his own child has issues.. ”

Yeah that’s coloring your judgment too. You this guy didn’t have to admit that detail. He knows what kind of backlash he would get from people such as yourself.

Yet he did admit it.

[PeachyPie93]

@blueonblack22 Yeah and that seems like it is one of the reasons why you are empathizing with him.. Just because you empathize with this guy that doesn't mean he is a suitable father. So let it go.

[blueonblack22]

Well that doesn’t mean I am like him or even “like” what the choices he’s made.

But I understand how other men think. I also know what it’s like to hit a fundamental wall with a parent. And I truly believe my mother despised me since I was born. Reason being I was born with very light colored hair and both my parents have very dark colored hair. I got two recessive genes.

So this made my mother secretly paranoid that other people think my dad wasn’t my real biological father. And my mother was OBSESSED about her image and what other people. So she compensated by abusively controlling the living hell out of me (including beating me up starting at 4 years old) for any time she “thought” I was misbehaving. I am also highly suspicious my mom had an affair too despite her CONSTANTLY judging men for anything sexually immoral.

Point being I am very familiar with hurt his daughter feels. But DESPITE that I am trying very hard to forgive my mother. That doesn’t mean what she did and said was “okay”. Doesn’t mean I will go back go having a talking relationship with her again (and I know she wants that). But ignoring this wound isn’t going to make it heal either.

[blueonblack22]

I say this because I don’t believe in the “zero gain” society we are becoming nowadays. Being forgiving doesn’t mean you let people get away with their bs. But clinging on to grudges is very self destructive. I know because it’s very difficult to wall off my own mom for the last 8 years.

[SweetPi]

Time and effort!

Honestly you took a bat to the relationship! Destroyed it not just made her cry or hurt her feelings!

Are you still married to the young girl?

Just keep loving her from afar and keep trying to talk.

Might have to wait till she has a baby or huge life event to even have her put her defences down and want you near her!

Imagine if this was a son you hurt? Out of spite he would never talk with you again.

[rosemilk]

gee i wonder why she can't forgive you... you may have to accept the fact that even if you do try to reconnect with her, she likely will not reciprocate. and you cannot make her. you severed that cord as soon as you spoke those words.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Sounds like you burned that bridge pretty hard and fast. I don’t think a marriage can be rebuilt when you already made it clear to your child that you will always prioritize your own desires over the need to be a father. Whether you meant those words or not, the damage is done. I wouldn’t hope for a reconnection when she’s clearly very happily erased you from her life.

[JustinTheGreat]

My father said similar things to me when I was a teenager and I also stopped talking to him for years. We talk here and there now but the pain of his words and those feelings of being unwanted will never really go away. I don’t think I will ever have a close bond with him because of that. Regardless of how many times he’s apologized.

I’m sorry but I don’t blame your daughter for holding that grudge..

[Nikki1989]

There are obviously underlying issues or unresolved conflicts that are contributing to her continued resentment. You have to work on that together.

[Anonymous]

Dude--you really, REALLY shouldn't have said those things to your girl. Is she older than your current wife? How's things working out with your wife?

I'd like to think if I end up getting a divorce and marrying a much, MUCH younger woman that my daughter would be understanding. I guess that's the kind of relationship you've got to work on building!

[smashleyy]

Jesus Christ and I thought my dad was shitty. Good on her for taking the trash out

[Little_Bumblebee]

Yeah, I wouldn't forgive my dad either if he had done that and said those things after.

[NamerOfStars]

Hmm... is there a third-party mutual relative you could try reaching out through?

[Anonymous]

It’s disgusting that my father can marry a women of my age. It shows u were never a good human

[Jmmmfi4]

YOU SOUND LIKE A DB... YOU SOUND LIKE MY DAD.

IM GLAD SHE BLOCKED YOU

[avery58]

She's not ready to forgive you.