We caused my great-grandmother's death, how to overcome the guilt?

[Sonyaxoxo]

My 91 year-old great-grandmother just passed away on the 23rd and we still haven't finished processing her death. She was a healthy lady, full of life.

We feel guilty and regret ever informing her about my maternal grandma's (her oldest child and only daughter, among 4 children) passing as a result of cancer. A couple of us were thinking about withholding her the news for a couple months or weeks at least (so she would have more time to process it and not be told right away) but most demanded we tell her immediately, how she deserved to know it.

Then just 4 days later she passed away. She was healthy for her age (had no pre-existing conditions at all) and could've lived a couple years more. Now all of us really feel guilt, as if we caused her death. She died in emotional agony. I can't get over the guilt.

Updates

1 y

Just to think she would still be alive right now if we didn't tell her about grandma's passing makes me feel so guilty. She couldn't handle her death and died shortly afterwards. I feel so horrible. We caused her death.

[Lynx122]

Were you the one who asked a question before if you should tell her? I'm sorry to hear that it turned out this way. If I remember correctly you were leaning towards not telling her. Life can be cruel but the real tragedy is that her daughter died before her, the decision your family made she would have found out sooner or later anyway so I don't know how impactful it was. It is sad what happened but you clearly didn't have control over the whole family so you couldn't prevent it.

I would say just try and grieve both their deaths and forget the circumstances. It will just cause you additional pain but you can't change anything now. And we will never know what the alternative would have looked like. I wish you all the best

[Sonyaxoxo]

What question? This is my first time posting here but thank you for the reply. I have to say me and two other members tried to advice the others to wait a bit longer but the majority ruled that she needed to be told right away.
It's not easy assimiliating two deaths now. I do agree that I'll never know how the alternative would've turned out, part of me believes she would've still be alive, would've live a bit longer.

[Lynx122]

Oh someone asked a similar question a few months ago. I hope you can beclose with the rest of your family still. My condolences

[Goahead76]

I think it's tragic, I think we have such a misunderstanding of death. Think of it like this. Every parent even in old age was once a child, and even though we will miss them, they deserve to be reunited with their parents. It's a beautiful thing really, obviously not the getting old or suffering part, but the natural order of every child reuniting with their parents.
So the idea that we should feel such anguish or sadness over this natural thing, this beautiful process of rejoining your parents is what's really tragic. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty though.

Try reading some books on near death experiences, I think it will change your mind on this pretty radically.

[SaoirseS]

Bad news isn't like wine, it doesn't get better with age. If you were in your great-grandmother's shoes, would YOU want people withholding information from you?

You didn't cause your great-grandmother's death, nor were you a contributor to it.

[Sonyaxoxo]

I would definitely want to be told immediately so I understand my great-grandma's point.
What also gets me sad is that there is a part of me that believes if the information would've been withheld for a bit, maybe, just maybe she would've still be here with us today (maybe live a bit longer), depressed but alive. Or maybe not. Maybe she would've still died of a broken heart like it happened.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

No need to feel guilty. Living into the 90's is great long life.

[Sonyaxoxo]

You're right. I shouldn't continue blaming myself. It's just that just to think that she would've still be here with us right now (since she was healthy) makes me so sad. Her death was so suddenly.

[Avicenna]

It may not have been the cause of death

[Sonyaxoxo]

But she would've still been here if not for the bad news delivered too soon. She would be alive. It's too much coincidence that she was in good health without any pre-existing condition but when informing her about grandma's deaht, she dies 4 days later, suddenly.

[Staximus]

Did she know her daughter had cancer?

[Sonyaxoxo]

Yes she did but she thought it would be cured. Some of us thought it would be better if we gave her some hope that she would recover. My own grandma is the one that didn't want us to tell her that it was terminal. She didn't know it was terminal cancer till we had no option but to inform her the cause of her death after telling her the bad news.

[Sonyaxoxo]

I really think the news about her death could've waited a bit.

[Staximus]

So your grandma and great grandma didn't see each other often or something?

[Sonyaxoxo]

They were very close. It's just that my grandma didn't want to make my great-grandma suffer if she had told her from the beginning that it was terminal cancer. She was trying to protect her feelings, make her feel better.

[Staximus]

Your great grandma would have been even more upset if she found out you guys hid the fact that your grandma died. Times like these are tough, don't beat yourself up about all this.

[Anonymous]

People need to know

[Sonyaxoxo]

I know but I feel it was too soon for her to know. Now she's dead as a result of it. She coulnd't handle the news. She died in emotional agony.

[Opinion Owner]

What makes you think that she’s dead because of it how do you know she wouldn’t have died no matter what

[Sonyaxoxo]

She had no pre-existing condition, was healthy for her age. It's a coincidence that just 4 days after informing her of the terrible news, she dies.

[Opinion Owner]

That’s not good for you to blame yourself