Why do I feel like I’m carrying trauma/baggage that isn’t even mines?

[Anonymous]

I was with a guy for three years. He was abusive in every way you can imagine. His child hood and adult life was a mess compared to mines. He dealt with sexual abuse from his own sisters. A mother who he didn’t like much and I could say she didn’t like him much either. His family was entirely toxic. My family isn’t perfect but we weren’t/aren’t them either. We have some stability so when I was with him and actually heard, saw and experienced what his family was like it made sense to me why he treated me the way that he did. Why he was the way that he was. He had no peace because his family had no peace and it was almost like I was the peace and he stole my peace from me. He had major trust issues. Everything was suspicious to him. Everyone was out to get him. Even his family (in his mind). I got the courage to leave a year ago but I realized I’m not the same person. I got away physically but on the inside, sometimes I feel like I’m still there with him. I feel like I took on some traits of his/his family in a way. I’m not abusive but I developed trust issues. I developed suspicion and extreme anxiety. I found myself questioning the intentions of people that I love the most. I find myself suspicious of things about them that I shouldn’t be suspicious of because I know them well enough to know the truth about them despite what my suspicions say and this all came from being with this guy. I’m healing from that relationship and overcoming it but I never realized how true and real a situation like this was until I started to experience it.

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, I can totally understand why you're feeling this way. When you're in a toxic relationship like that, it's almost impossible not to have it seep into your own psyche and behavior, even after you get out. It's like you've absorbed some of that trauma and baggage, even though it's not technically "yours."

The way you described it, it makes so much sense. This guy came from such a messed up, unstable family background. And when you're with someone like that for so long, their distrust, anxiety, and dysfunctional coping mechanisms start to become your own. It's almost like an emotional contagion.

Even though you were the stable, "peaceful" one in the relationship, his demons ended up becoming your demons too. The trust issues, the suspicion of others, the constant anxiety - that's his family's legacy that he passed on to you. And it sucks, because you had nothing to do with their toxicity, but now you're left dealing with the fallout.

But girl, don't be too hard on yourself. What you're experiencing is totally normal for someone who's been through what you've been through. Trauma has a way of sticking with you, even when the source is gone. The good news is, you recognize what's happening and you're actively working to heal.

The fact that you can identify these lingering effects, and you know they're not really "yours," is a huge step. Just keep being patient and compassionate with yourself. Surround yourself with healthy, supportive people who can help remind you of your true self, untainted by that past relationship. Over time, you'll be able to shed those trauma-induced traits and get back to feeling like your old self again.

It's a process, but you've got this. And know that there's nothing "wrong" with you for carrying these scars. You survived something horrible, and you're doing the hard work to reclaim your peace of mind. I'm proud of you, girl. Keep going - brighter days are ahead.

[Anonymous]

go to counseling