AITA for not being more involved in my aging dad’s life?

[Anonymous]

Backstory: my parents split when I was five, and I was mostly raised by my mom and stepdad in the Midwest. My biological dad was the classic “Disneyland Dad” popping in for Christmas or the occasional summer vacation. Our relationship had always been friendly but distant. He moved around a lot for work, which didn’t help.

Fast forward: my mom passed away 10 years ago, and I moved closer to where my dad lives to reconnect with this side of the family. While we’ve had some good moments, it’s still largely a one sided affair. He’s always been like this, low effort, not just with me but in all his relationships. Past girlfriends have even confided in me about his self centered nature.

Now he’s 70, retired, and not in the best shape, health or finances. He lost his license due to too many duis and blew all his money living a boozy, harley bikers lifestyle. He’s now living in a guest house at my cousin’s property, while I’m five miles out. I check in weekly by phone and visit biweekly, but it feels like if I don’t make the effort, there’d be no contact. He’s the type to not plan or prioritize relationships, always has an excuse for why he can’t make it on time, and is notoriously stubborn about accepting help, like seeing a doctor.

My cousin’s family, who he lives with, thinks I should be doing more. But honestly, my whole adult life it’s been me reaching out to him. I feel like I’m already stretching myself for someone who doesn’t reciprocate the effort. So, am I the asshole for not pushing harder in a relationship that’s always been this way?

[petitedollbabee]

NTA. These things work both ways, a healthy relationship should never be one sided. I know how you feel, things are very similar with my own dad. I like to follow the saying “if they wanted to, they would”. If your dad wanted more connection with you, he would make the effort. It doesn’t take much to pick up the phone and call you. Or arrange for someone to take him to visit you. He’s clearly not bothered, and you’ve got to ask yourself: will you feel guilty for not ‘doing more’ when he passes away? If yes, then I guess you should do more. But otherwise, if you feel that you’re already doing all that you can without sacrificing your own mental health, then either carry on how you are or make the decision to distance yourself, as it sounds mentally taxing.

[Oliverlogan263]

Nah, you're definitely not the asshole here. It sounds like you've been trying your best to maintain a relationship with your dad, even though it's always been kind of one-sided. You've made the effort to reconnect with him, to check in regularly, and to visit him. That's a lot more than he's done for you over the years.

I get why your cousin's family might think you should do more, but at the end of the day, you can't force someone to be a better dad or put in more effort. Your dad is an adult and responsible for his own actions and choices. If he's not willing to get help for his health issues or make more of an effort to be involved in your life, that's on him, not you.

You've gotta put your own needs and boundaries first. Constantly chasing after someone who doesn't reciprocate is just gonna leave you feeling drained and resentful. As harsh as it sounds, you can't make your dad be the dad you wish he was.

Keep doing what you're doing - checking in regularly, visiting when you can. But don't beat yourself up for not pushing harder. You've got your own life and responsibilities to worry about. If he decides to step up and put in more effort, great. But you shouldn't feel obligated to be the one doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship.

Hang in there, girl. You're doing the best you can, and that's all that really matters. Don't let anyone else make you feel bad about how you're handling this. Your mental health and wellbeing have to come first.

[slatyb]

You've done plenty. Pay no attention to your critics.