Was not offered condolences?

[Anonymous]

I know this guy who is an acquaintance, when his wife passed away three years ago I offered him my sincerest condolences. When his father passed away last year, I wished my condolences to him again.

Recently, my sister passed away. He never offered condolences or anything, just went about his business and ignored me. Even on social media where he could have posted something, he never did. Needless to say, I blocked him from there.

It’s been over 3 weeks, if by any chance he does offer his condolences (which he won’t), should I tell him to go suck an egg?

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I doubt that your acquaintance has any idea that they've caused you the offence they've caused you.

I'm not saying it's not right to fell the way you do, I'm just trying to point out, that I don't think there was

anything malicious, or purposefully negligent in him failing to offer you condolences.

If he had any idea how he had made you feel, I'm sure he would feel terrible.

If he does reach out, I think its fair to tell him whatever you feel you need to. Just don't say anything you might regret saying when you aren't grieving as intensely. But if you do tell him to suck an egg. You should tell him why.

[Anonymous]

So when you have your condolences, was it out of the sincerity in your heart or with an expectation that one day if he doesn’t reciprocate then you’re done with him? Because while I can understand being a bit upset, I would never be so mad as to unfriend him let alone block him without bothering letting him know why I’m upset. I mean you guys are acquaintances, so much so that you don’t even want to bring this up in conversation and that says a lot about how inappropriate how you handled this was. I’d also say that unless he interacted with your posts by liking or something to indicate he’s heard the news, can you confirm he even knows about your sister?

[Asker]

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I can confirm that he was aware of my sister's passing; my friend had informed him. When he saw me, he actually turned and went the other way to avoid me, which I found quite disrespectful. That's why I decided to block him on social media.

[Opinion Owner]

No worries, and thanks for clarifying that he did in fact know about your sister.

At the end of the day what’s done is done, you’ve blocked the guy so you can only deal with whatever comes next. But in hindsight, I’d say you should’ve kept in mind that not everyone is going to respond to things how you do. Like if your first inclination when you hear about a passing in someone’s family would be to extend your sincere condolences then that’s wonderful — I would do the same. The difference between us though is that my apologies don’t come with expectations because I know that this topic is sensitive, it’s touchy and not everyone feelings comfortable addressing it. Like the guy in your situation had two very close individuals pass away and probably never properly dealt with the trauma, as a lot of men don’t because emotions=weak or whatever nonsense. Hearing about your sister could be a trigger, he may not know how to address this with you and maybe he would’ve if you had a one on one conversation.

Which brings me to my next point — communication and your lack of it. He doesn’t know that you’re feelings all of this, he may not even think you’d care about condolences from him, and tbh why would he? I mean you’ve equated your connection with him to that of an acquaintance, which is very simplistic and I wouldn’t expect someone who I have such a weak connection to, to be secretly hurt I didn’t do something.

Moral of the story here is, your feelings were valid, your actions were not. If someone actions garner enough hurt/rage/etc to block them, yet you still care about your connection to them afterwards, then they mean more to you than you know and it was worth explaining that they hurt your feelings. And if you can’t have that sort of conversation then I’m not sure why anything they do or don’t do should matter on a deeper level.

[Asker]

It's interesting how we often rush to conclusions without fully understanding the entire message. I don't express my sympathies with the expectation of receiving something in return. No one anticipates a compliment when they lose someone dear, if that's what you're implying.

If you take a moment to really read my message, you'll see that I mentioned feeling completely overlooked—like when someone walks past me without a word or sees me from afar and chooses to go the other way.

Let's try not to jump to conclusions about others' expectations during such difficult times. It's simply human to acknowledge someone who is grieving right in front of you.

[Opinion Owner]

Okay, after rereading what I said I can see where you took offense about expectations, but I do wish you would’ve approached this differently and just asked me to clarify rather than getting on the defense. My statement about expectations is directly in regards to this specific man in question, how you’re reacting to his lack of condolences, and why does it matter so much if you really were offering condolences without expecting one from him in return one day. I’m not talking about every person you give condolences to, which I also made mention of directly before the part you decided to hone in on and take offense to.

I mean surely you read where I said “if your first inclination when you hear about a passing is to extend your sincere condolences that’s wonderful — I would do the same”? This makes your comment about taking a moment to really read someone’s message look quite hypocritical. In fact your entire response implies you didn’t bother to read a single other thing I said, since you did not address anything else, and I said a lot.

Lastly (because we probably won’t be having a productive conversation going forward and that’s fine), my take on him overlooking you was meant to fall under the umbrella of when I previously said “hearing about your sister could be trigger, and he may not know how to address this with you”. My bad if that part was not clear.

[talka20]

Pls accept my condolences. I hope u get through this with patience.

I think yea u gotta let him go if condolences or little efforts are important to u specially when ure sad about something