Should authoritative parenting be the right name instead of gentle parenting?

[Vesuvius87]

Ever since having my baby boy, I've been more focused on my further parenting approaches and skills I'll need to apply for him. My strategy will be parenting without spanking or spoiling. I view physical punishment and doing nothing at all as two extremes. I don't like neither authoritarian (too much focus on strict obedience, forced compliance and punishment), nor helicopter (too overprotective that they can't even have a private moment nor a social life; I actually hated when my parents were constantly checking my backpack and notebooks) nor permissive where they can do whatever they want and there are no rules at all.

So far I've seen two inconsistencies with gentle parenting. First, there was an image on FB where it displayed a toddler trying to touch a hot stove and that with an explanation about not touching it, they will back away. I disagreed right there. While I won't hit, I can still physically remove the toddler from the kitchen, questioned myself why I didn't have a baby gate installed in the first place and place him back to the playpen or at a safer location... then do the explanation.

Second, they were showing images of how to replace the word ''NO'' by using other explanations. For instance instead of saying no running, to replace it with why you should walk instead and a bit more explanation. That's where I disagreed too. Sometimes in life, the word no is important. What if they kid is much older, there is a classmate offering alcohol and they haven't learned how to say no or when to say no? In the job place, if you come late then your boss isn't going to take their time explaining the advantages of coming earlier. They are simply going to tell you not to come late again or else the natural consequence of getting fired happens. Sometimes in life, no means no. It sets boundaries.

I was ok with the gentle parenting approach but didn't realize there were certain inconsistencies too. Shouldn't the right term be called authoritative parenting instead?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

It’s not about authority, if anything your approach is more authoritative. You’re allowed to disagree with any parenting method you feel isn’t good for your kids, however gentle parenting is about informing the kid why the rules are the way they are. Don’t run because if you trip and fall it’ll hurt way more than if you fall while walking. Kids are smarter than a lot of adults give them credit for, just because a toddler can only speak in gibberish doesn’t mean they don’t understand what you’re saying. It’s informative and explains why these rules are in place to humans who have yet to fully understand what it means to stop themselves from feeling pain.

[Vesuvius87]

I understand the explanation and it's good but there are times the word no can't be sugarcoated. I like the explanation on don't run. What had me disagreeing was when the examples given were indicating about eliminating the word no, eliminating the ''don't run'' part and substituting that for an explanation on why it's better to walk instead.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Gentle parenting isn’t saying “no” and anyone who says it is bought into some insecure wannabe child psychologist’s idea of discipline. Gentle parenting can involve not only “no” but also “fuck” and “shit” and “bastard” as long as you get the message across.

[beenherebefore]

I think balance is important. Parents need to know when to be gentle with their kid and when to be strict, assertive and authoritarian. Kids need to learn rules and boundaries, some kids only learn after being grounded. Different kids have different personalities you rarely can apply the same style to two different kids. I'd say don't be gentle to the point your kid doesn't respect and takes advantage of you but also do not be controlling to the point your kid feels suffocated.

[Vesuvius87]

I do agree with balance but authoritarian is different than authoritative. One is about being in total control, having absolute power, demanding strict obedience without questions and focusing on just punishment. Meanwhile being authoritative is about disciplining (not physical punishment) by providing the child opportunities for growth and learning, applying fair/logical consequences for wrong decisions made, setting order, rules and expectations but also good communication and understanding.

[beenherebefore]

I meant it in a discipline point of view not controlling.

[Vesuvius87]

Authoritative style comes with discipline too. For instance, a 12-13 year-old that really overdoes it with backtalking (to the point of insults), well they can get their privileges removed and work themselves to earn them back. If it happens in December, well they will sadly miss out on a Christmas hang-out with friends.

[Nikki1989]

Authoritative parenting is the clinically effective framework. Gentle parenting is the method of delivery. That is the only real difference.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you for pointing that out. I really love the authoritative style. There is communication, empathy, healthy discipline (not the punitive, physical one) and guidance but there are also rules, expectations and logical consequences for wrong behaviors the child makes.

[eagle1951]

why does it need to change?

[Vesuvius87]

I just though authoritative sounds better. That also has both communication, empathy and guidance as well as boundaries, expectations, healthy discipline (nothing to do with hitting), rules and logical consequences for unwanted behaviors.