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I have been friends with a guy friend for about a year now as we met in grad school. We got closer as time went along and he event told me how he wanted me to be a part of his journey. It was so nice as we got closer and genuinely getting to know him. He has a really sweet spot nobody gets to see and I loved getting to see that. However, he did certain things that really hurt me. For example, I got him so many gifts (because I wanted to), helped him move to a new city, I even defended him when people talked crap, was there for him when he crashed out after finding out something about his ex, and I even was there for him when he was sick. With me instead while he did bring me gifts from another country (which was so sweet and I still have) it was clear I cared more. Even the parents repeatedly thanked me and acknowledge me for being a good friend. However, he was not a very good friend to me and hurt me multiple times and even left me in the cold one time and did not check to see if I got home safely.
Then a incident happened where I feel it really became bad after a mistake i made. Basically what happened was I was very sick prior to visiting him and his family. I nearly went to the hospital and was also trying to plan some stuff and I had bad brain fog from everything. I was to only be there about a week and 3 days I think. Then plans changed and I accidentally overstayed. He said some stuff behind my back to her and let me tell you…. the pain I felt in my heart can’t be described. I owned up openly and apologized to all of them as none fo this was intentional. Parents forgave me but he has been acting weird since. He no longer hugs me, calls me, text me, or anything and I feel ignored but apparently he asked of me as graduation. I miss our close friendship from the summer time and I am not sure what to do. I feel like I messed up but all my friends hate him and want me to forget about him. They said he was never my friend and it was one sided. What should I do?
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
It sounds to me you were looking for relationship things and he saw you as much less than that.
I mean she, him leaving you out alone in the cold was some bullshit but whichever way you put it, one thing stands. He don't care about you, as much as you did for him. Thats not to say he hates you or used you or anything. He could very well see you as a friend, but what it sounds like to be is you're looking for a significant other. And he doesn't seem to be that person for you
As far as what to do. Either cut him off, or expect way less from him.
Sure* not she, in the beginning
Hi! So in the beginning I did have a crush on him so yes but then it was strictly platonic after. Especially after I learned about certain things from his past and his perception on certain things. Like I’d never date him after what I know and some treatment. But the remaining was platonic. So obviously I knew early he didn’t feel the same but I still decided to continue to be a good friend. The him leaving me in the cold was horrible. I still remember it! I literally had cold feet for months and when I finally got home they were still cold no matter how much heat I put on it. Then I even helped him move to a new city and I remember he was rude one night. When he’s tired he’s super cold so I learned to go away. He has brought me some gifts though which is nice. There were other incidents where he hurt me. When my friend died and I was sad and depressed everyone else noticed and all he did was I am the one who got gifts, paid for events, showed up when he didn’t have everyone, supported him since day one, helped with dishes, checked up when he was sick, was there when he crashed out over his ex, and made sure to be a good friend.
Meanwhile on my birthday recently he couldn’t even send a “!” Or emojis just normal happy birthday which is sad tbh. When I overheard him he said something when there He says I can’t obsess over somebody like that and something of outgrowing people and stuff. But yeah I heard a lot which is why I brought up the discussion. and how "she was fun and cool in the beginning but I just want to do my programming" so I guess I felt like a burden over his shoulder even though I came from another country just to see him. But overhearing those things hurt and I remember the mom saying something like "She thinks we are stupid taking advantage of our kindness" and that is not what it was. I know more than anyone what being taken advatage of is and it was sooo horrible! I felt betrayed and hurt especially because I'd never do that and also the amount of stuff I have done for him and I have been there for him since the beginning (even he openly admits this). it was horrible then when I talked to him and told him I knew how he felt about me being there he was like "where is this coming from" but I didn't let him know I heard him. He talked to me and said pressure but yeah. Me and the parents obviously talked and all is forgiven. He wants to be some nomad and create his apps. He doesn’t even know where he’s going and randomly chatgpt some countries but I still support his dreams. I guess for me maybe I take friendships more seriously and friends should be there not only during the good but rough times/bad as well.
Oh yeah I for sure cared about him more than he does of me. Even I told him that at some point. My thing is even if you shouldn’t treat a friend who has been there for you and been a good friend to you so badly. Like I’m pretty sure I have emotional trauma from some stuff he did. But after the mistake I made that I talked about he’s been weird. He no longer hugs me and it feels weird since we were close and he’s all cold and distant. At graduation last week though he greeted me and cheered me which is nice. Apparently he even asked my mom where I was at some point. But also he doesn’t even respond or read my messages. Which is weird since for me I owned up to everything and parents forgave me and we were good. He even texted me thanking me for being a good friend so just depends. But this new behavior is weird. He also seemed very sad and lonely when I saw him at graduation. It was nice being around people who cared about me and people got me sweet gifts but even they noticed him. My friends personally hate him but I feel bad or guilty because I feel I made him sound like this horrible guy when he isn’t. I still support him but the whole thing is very hurtful. I honestly just want to go back to our old friendship in summer where we were close, he was vulnerable to me, open with me, and actually showed care.
What do you mean to expect less from him? Like emotionally or friendship wise?
Yeah you're definitely putting way to much into this friendship. If the dude is talking bad about you and saying you're not enjoyable to be around that should be your cue to leave haha. You may be right about him not being a bad guy. But your friends can also be right about him being an ass to you either. I mean expect less from him in the friendship. Dont hope for him to be open. Don't hope for hugs, don't hope for him to ask you to hang out, don't expect him to message you a lot, don't expect him to do anything but the bare minimum. Although you accepted that you didn't want to be in a relationship with him still, in the back of your mind there's still that slight hope that you can get with the one you liked before you found out the bad stuff. And I know because it's happened to me. There's this girl that I liked, we were really good friends but for reasons we don't talk anymore, and probably never will. And I've accepted that. But even with that, I still do wish it could go back to the way it was. Even though I've accepted it will never happen. It's nice to be treated nicely and feel wanted by someone and then when it's gone there's still a piece of you that still holding on for something that will never happen. Which is what I think is happening to you. The way you treat the guy, most of it sounds like significant other treatment. Perhaps you're just not aware of it. The way you're thinking is how women, in particular, get trapped in emotionally abusive relationships. Even though there's all this bad they still hope and think about how it was when it was perfect. And how they hope that the other will change. So it can be like how it use to But it never happens. And it takes so long to reach their breaking point and leave and then and only then will they truly see how bad that person was for you.
You may not be in a relationship with him, but you definitely are emotionally attached. I agree with your friends. He's not good for you ma'am. And even after I say this too. There's a good chance you're going to brush it off. Because, " i dont know him", or you're the only one who truly knows everything about him and it sounds worse than what it really is". My question to you is how many people have to say he's bad for you until you see maybe he is the problem 🤔
He doesn't necessarily have to be a bad person. But he may not be a good friend for you. And sometimes that's okay. Sometimes you just have to move on from people, whether thats for a relationship or just friendships.
I treat all my friends like this usually in the sense that to me when I call somebody my friend it means something. Hahaha that’s true! To be fair at the time it was sudden and also he enjoyed me until that night. He said he was having pressure from parents but it’s ironic because he still wanted me to travel with him after he told me we’re stuck with each other. But the whole thing was truly traumatic for me. I am not even a cryer but the day after I ran into town to meet another friend and let it out for 2 minutes. They told me “it seems like you have a lot of suppressed sadness from this friendship” this was a mutual friend (who likes him as friend by the way) and even he said that he treats me like trash. They said I need to stand up for myself and not be okay with this toxic. They also asked me when I told them about how he yelled at me “I would never be friends with somebody who yelled at me”. The mom when she saw me at graduation was very happy to see me and was warm. I also wonder if it’s an age thing as he’s quite young but tbh I wasn’t like that at his age so depends. Even my guy friends hate him. I feel I make him sound like this horrible guy and he isn’t and can be a good guy. My friends hate him so much that even hearing his name genuinely causes some of them anxiety or pure rage in their face. I even had chest pain from the stress he caused me. He also said he would be happier in a different environment as he has ptsd associated with that place. He said something about we “compliment each other”. My friend think he treats me like complete trash and that he’s a horrible excuse of a friend to me.
They said “imagine if this is how he reacts to something small how he’d react to something actually big” and “if this is how he treats you as a friend I can’t imagine as a partner”. They said that he doesn’t deserve me. Both my female and male friends dislike him and even my male friends partners hate this guy. He also has some reputation at our Uni but that’s petty high school rumors so I ignore it. But a lot from our class don’t like him at all and apparently some try to avoid him. They said he’s an a-hole, misogynistic, and other things. I stood up for him while others were talking while he wasn’t there. Even a female friend of mine nearly told him off at graduation and her boyfriend wants to low key fight him for other reasons. She was especially bad when he kept giving the side eye to her boyfriend haha (he tried to flirt but failed I guess). He’s only paid for my food 3 times while I did everything as a friend. A lot think I was emotionally abused in this friendship and that the whole thing is toxic. They think not only that he doesn’t deserve me but I should use this to up my standards. When I asked him how I could be a better friend that night my friends were very offended. They told me “WTF? Why would you ask that? HEEEE should be the one asking you that” and that because he brought some random gifts an paid for some $20 sushi that’s it? That he does below bare minimum. They even thought inviting me to the house was bare minimum and him calling me one time. The fact that he wouldn’t be somebody I called in a emergency says another thing. Meanwhile he only has certain connections because of me and I even helped him with some other things. I don’t think he also liked a very close guy friend of mine who is a little brother to me (me and his partner as friends and we all hang out. She even cheered for me at graduation).
Meanwhile that friend has never made me cry (heck he wiped away my tears), supported me, cheered me on, invited me to talk when I was depressed or stressing about possibly not graduating, showed up for me, complimented me and my personality, was there for me, and made me know what it was like to actually be cared for. THAT is a great friend). Even he didn’t like this guy. He was disgusted at how I was treated even in the beginning. I’ve almost cried multiple times during the earlier of our friendship and I walked on egg-shelves for certain things like mood. He says he used to be way more temperamental when he was younger so I don't know. Do you think this is all my fault that he’s acting this way or was it destined to happen? I kept asking what if I left earlier we wouldn’t have this. My friend said “friends are there not only during the good and also this helps you show some things about him”. I see where you’re coming from! Yes and no. I guess with the nice version of him but also with not only the stuff I know/found out about him but other things became such a huge turn off. That I’m offended at the thought now of us being together. Really not even hugs? Ouch! That sucks. Even more bare minimum than the trash happy birthday wish that his mom probably reminded him of? Ouch! But I appreciate the honesty. You’re right! I just feel friendships shouldn’t be such a one sided thing. I’m tired of always being the friend to people and get treated like trash in return. Oh wow! Thank you so much for sharing that. Your story helped me understand. Haha I guess maybe I showed “gf treatment” without being that. It comes from me naturally being a loyal friend. You’re right I’m probably not aware of it. To me this is normal or how much friends should be cared for but I guess that’s not typical. Oh wow!!! Thanks for opening my eyes. I’d hate to get trapped in a emotionally abusive relationship in the future. I really don’t want to have to get to that point.
Yeah that’s fair! I guess I’m mostly emotionally attached to the friendship from when it was good and peak vulnerability. What makes you say he’s not good for me? Also, are you talking about in general like the overall friendship? Hahaha noooooo!!! I would say if this was right after the incident I’d for sure say that but after recent treatment I don't know. I guess for me there is so much guilt and also he made me feel like a horrible person, a burden, not good enough, bad friend, and other things. Could you please elaborate on what makes you say he’s the problem so I can truly understand? I think it’s the guilt in me talking but honestly you’re right. The pain that I felt after that incident was so profound and translucent that I remember vividly the state of pain I was in. By morning of the day before I was leaving I was crying still. Even in the bathroom of the train station (when me and him were going to see a friend. I broke down and cried in the bathroom and even the cleaning lady wanted to make sure I was okay and was concerned. It’s as if my soul ascended out my body, and it’s so tired of crying. The tears have turned to puddles floating in the air as it’s ascending. I NEVER wish that sort of pain in anyone even my worst enemy.
I think I needed just you to solidify and especially coming from a guy this helps so much. Thank you so much for everything!
Yeah he hasn’t been a good friend to me (though he had his moments). You’re right! Do you think me and him can ever be friends again? I should try and move on for sure. But in my mind I guess it feels wrong in a way (or fake if that makes sense) but also I think it’s something for sure necessary to happen.
What I'm about to tell you may sound harsh, but hear me out and I'm telling you this to help you out. And make you aware. You are 100 percent the type to be in an emotional and maybe even physically abusive relationship. Typically girls who stay in those relationships are just like you and also blame themselves and feel guilty even though THEYRE the victim. They think, "maybe it's me thats not doing enough and maybe he's acting this way because im the problem and I should be doing more. And then they start putting in, if we're going by percentages, they start putting in 150% effort in the relationship and then the guy put it's bare minimum at best. And here's how he keeps the girl blinded. Throw in a little bit of flashes to show the girl she's making progress, " oh wow he kissed me on the forehead head and said he loved me, that means all im doing is working!" And then you go back to be treated horribly. Then she thinks it's her faults and puts in more effort. For example, 160% now. And then you repeat the process all because of that hope of what once was. All these girls share two things in common. One, they all think theyd never be in a abusive, whether it's emotionally or physically, relationship. And two, are never aware they were in one until they leave
What im trying to say it's not your fault that friendship didn't end. But literally no one seems to be liking this guy. Even as a friend. Remember I asked you how many people have to not like him until you stop defending him? Perhaps it might be time to reflect and think about him as a person🤔. I think you should write down all the bad things he does to you and then look at it from a third point of view. If your friend came to you and asked you about a guy and said all these things happened. What would you tell her? What would your reaction be?
He's not good for you for a relationship or for a friendship. No one should ever make you cry because you're sad especially if theyre the reason
Girl, see look at you, you're already thinking about trying to be become friends with him before you've even cut him off!
You may not want to, but you need to cut him off and never look back. Delete everything and block him on everything. And then make it so even if you're tempted you couldn't message him again.
I'm not here to convince you to stay as his friend or not his friend. This won't affect me at all. But you do seem to be very vulnerable. Especially when it comes to be attached to someone. Im just trying to make you aware of things maybe you dont even know about yourself🤔
Lets say i was an emotionally abusive guy trying to find my next victim. Lets say i find you right. Easy target. Lets look at it this way. you're telling me I have to spend what. How much are flowers? At most 50? Spend 50 dollars every few months and throw in a few i love yous every now and then and i get to get taking advantage of this girl? Thats and easy trade off buddy plus this girl is damn near on her knees trying to please me.
In conclusion if you're going to take away only two things from this whole conversation.
1. Cut the dude off. And never look back. Even if he messages you asking what happened. Do not ever reply to him again. Even if and when you feel bad. Because let's be honest that sounds like something youd do buddy.
2. You need to be aware of you getting taken advantage and do not let anyone treat you like shit. You need to reflect every now and then and see if that friendship or relationship is good for you.
Here's a bonus tip on the house. When you're in a relationship. Every now and then. Reflect and ask yourself this one question." Am i happy with this person?" If it's not an easy no and there's debates. Then thats a huge red flag. Remember relationships are meant to be 50% for both parties. They're supposed to be the one person that makes you happy and your safe space. Settle for nothing less my friend
Wow!!! What you wrote was very profound and opened my eyes. I’m going to save that forever. It might be harsh but it’s something I for sure need to hear. Thing is you’re 100% correct. The saddest part is I understand those situations so much!!! Think the part is “leaving” now but I resonate so much with those scenarios. I would hate to be in such situations like that. I want to be loved for myself not abused or at least not continued to be treated so poorly. Thank you so much for that message!! Truly!
Shit I meant easy YES** for the bonus tip
And you're welcome. Goodluck my friend. If you ever need me again. You know how to find me😌
Thanks! I appreciate it! I’m still trying to get over the guilt thing. Oh yeah no everyone hates him so much. Every girl I know would never put up with even 0.02% of what I did. They would have told him off by the being left in the cold incident and maybe even before spending lol. My friends are excited for me to find another guy haha. Nobody wants me to even make eye contact let alone message him. They all hate him so much and see how much trauma he’s caused. One even hates him outside of me but even from other things others have said. Back when I used to like him I realized I was so infatuated with him that it blinded me to the giant red bell (screw a red flag lol). Of course I obviously woke up after that. I think also I usually give people the benefit of the doubt so that also might be a fault. I even heard something from a random one night stand girl who complained (basically about his performance and stuff which is tmi but yeah and then she went on and said after that he went ahead to go and look for her at her department building standing waiting). Other complaints are such I mentioned before. He also has a reputation in another department apparently. Even the playboy of that other department complained and said not only is he a player but very weird (in a bad way). Only one of my friends somewhat likes him because she also said I made him sound like this horrible guy but he’s nice. Everyone else would fight him if given the chance. Some want to personally curse him out. They genuinely get pissed hearing his name let alone describe anything he did.
Yes I remember! I tried that once but should try again. From what I remember the first time I made that list is was more bad but also the good were good things. Though the bad things he did I still remember a lot in detail. Horrible! Good things for example were like (is vulnerable, driven/ambitious, had goals, has given me nice gifts, could be a good friend (to be fair this was much later in the friendship), ask thoughtful questions, engages in deep conversations, showed moments of loyalty, told his family and friends about me, and has a sweet/sensitive side). The bad…. those ones I listed traumatic events (I still remember the cold feet stuff), has never once walked me home or offered (even at 3-5am I was on my own), the time he pissed off when my friend died and I was in a bad state I didn’t know if to walk home or take he bus then he’s like “well I’ve been awake 15 hours so I’m going to go home”, the rudeness, the not feeling like I can call him, questioning if he’s even show up to the hospital let alone call me if something happened, the times he made me sad, the times I felt less than, him being emotionally immature, lack of effort in friendship, is always open to criticize me, avoids accountability, has NEVER ONCE apologized to me for anything, would withdraw instead of communicating, sometimes feeling not appreciated, and being abandoned. Heck he didn’t even properly respond until after the fact so much later in the friendship I did so much for him. The first time he ever called me was to confirm move in plans for the different city.
When I first case him call I thought something happened because he’s never once called me. I remember one time I was at his place and he asked me when I came back from the phone talking to my friend over some stuff. I told him the run down (I think he could tell was about him or some of it). He asked me “Am I good to you? Am I kind to you?” That was mid way I’d say and I thought about good and bad at the time and was like “yeah” and the way my friend nearly jumped through the phone to tackle me because of that lol. But anyways the list is way longer but you get the gist.
To answer your question, if my friend ever told me and asked such things and described all of this I’d be pissed. I would probably tell both of them off for different reasons haha. My reaction would not only be tough love but genuine concern for allow it. I’d be like “excuse me? So…why are you friends with this person? Why did you ever like this guy? So what if he’s good looking? This guy treats you like trash! Where was he when you were depressed? Where was he when you were sick and almost went to the hospital? In fact you should have told him off back much earlier. So is that all you’re worth? Some bloody $20 sushi and some last minute gifts are the airport? Not even a phone call or a walk home? Not even comforting you when stressed? This guy is stringing you along and you’re just allowing it. Look what this guy did over something small…what if it was worst? What if y’all dated and he was aggressive with you? Your standards are below hell and also HE should be the one bending on his knees to even apologize and ask how HE can be the better friend. You should have cut him off back in February.”
“I’d tell him off as well if he was here idc. He’s not your friend and you deserve so much better. You deserve to be loved, cherished, appreciated, accepted, supported, and be loyal to. That love that you show your friends is what you deserve. This guy isn’t even doing the bare minimum and you’re celebrating? You need a system reset! Also, his silence and withdrawal are the answer even if it’s not the answer you want. Stop giving him such privileges or even girlfriend treatment. Your options are to tell him off to his face or block and remove him from your life. You’re not going to any bloody events with him nor will you travel with him next year. In fact, the thought of traveling shouldn’t cross your mind. You’re going to sit that butt down. In fact I’m deleting & blocking him from your phone and if I find out you go after all of this you did it to yourself and I’m letting the group know. I ought to make it to where there is a password to even retrieve his number lol (obviously jk). If he finally realizes what a great loss he had and finally realized how great you truly were oh well. It’s his problem now and he better sulk in that regret idc. Nobody should ever feel this kind of way or level of sadness ever.” Then for him if I found out a guy did this to my friend I’d tell him off myself idc if in public or phone lol. If I’m public and I saw he treated her badly I’d tell him off properly. I’d even be sure to mention that he is an a-hole, takes advantage of her kindness, doesn’t deserve her, treats her like crap, and tell him all the amazing things he’s done. Then I’d let him know about himself a bit then walk away or tell him to get out.”
The thing is with friends, family, or people I care very much about and are important to me I’m highly protective over. With me because of what I went through when I was younger I used to being treated horribly, bullied, like a burden, and other things. I’d never wish even on my worst enemy what happened to me. I am kind of used to it now (which is sad but still) so for me my reaction towards others is different. Though I’m way more confident in the sense of I like who I am and will stand up for myself at times. You’re so right about that! Wow! Thank you! Yeah the sadness and crying from him was a lot. I still stand by the description of the sadness where my soul ascending. It always made my cry and I could feel it all over again every time I thought of it. Hahaha you’re right! Yeah I know :/ I do want to be friends from when we were close but you’re right I haven’t even cut him off. I did however remove some pictures of us from favorites. I think it also has to do with clarity I never got (as in he never let me know why he’s acting this way recently). Preach it dude! Yeah I am tempted to block or at least distant. It’s not like he will care to reach out to me or if something happens to me anyways. I rather have my friends who have been there for me since the beginning. Will do! How do you suggest I go about in a way I won’t be tempted to message him? He hasn’t responded do anything recently but that’s the last he’s hearing from me. I don’t think he will even wish me Merry Christmas tbh.
Oh no that’s totally understandable! Thank you so so much for everything! Running to give a thank you hug via screen. Haha you’re right I probably am quite vulnerable currently but I seriously needed to hear all of this. Seeing it has truly opened up my eyes especially from a guys perspective. You absolutely have made me so aware! I didn’t even know about any of this nor has it occurred to me before.
Hi! Just saw you other comment as it didn’t show before. Hahaha your example is great. It made me realize how easy my kindness would be to take advantage of. Also makes me sound easy in a way emotionally haha.
The day he messages me period there would be a storm lol. Let alone messaging asking what happened. You’re very right haha I’d for sure respond knowing me and I absolutely I would feel bad haha. So I guess I have to go cold turkey in cutting him off.
I’ve been taken advantage of many times sadly. Do you think he took advantage of me? Yeah!!! Starting next year I for sure need to start allowing myself not to be treated like rubbish. Truth! I should have frequent check in and reflection times.
Hahaha yay!!! Bonus house tips. We love it!! Woot woot! That’s a great tip! Thank you! How would I know if to ask sincerely Vs infatuation? I’ll be sure to ask myself that for sure. That’s true! In fact I always thought relationships should be 100% each. True!! Especially huge emphasis on safe space. Will do!!! I need to remind myself not to settle. Thank you so much!! I’m making notes now even haha.
To answer your question about if he took advantage of you. I dont think so, I think is just his personality. Unless you guys are having sex. But it doesn't sound like you guys were
You'll know the difference between infatuation and really liking them by looking back on everything and seeing if he treats you right or if you're just putting all the effort in by yourself
Relationships should be 100 percent for each person but since there are 2 people it has to be half of the percentage to make that 100 percent haha. I'm not saying give only 50% effort. Forsure give 100 percent but the main point is both are both trying their best to make it work haha
Well since I've helped you out then I suppose my job here is done😌
All there's left is for you to do what's best for you. Whatever you choose, Goodluck buddy