Why do I often feel very triggered by my Father?

Question

His constant unsolicited opinions and questioning drive me crazy.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It is not just merely abstract pent up anger, like some other opinion suggests. I would also wager that it is not just about his current words but additionally what he did in the past so there is something "pent up", but primal screaming and punching bags will not free you.

Just look at Elliott Hulse who taught tens of millions of people about bioenergetics and "angry pressing" the barbell and rage fighting and deep chanting and whetever zen technique and philosophy else made him popular in early 2010s. And? He became a MAGA catholic fundie who teaches to repress overspilling emotions with religious self shaming mantras.

Or how about Jan Irvin who was breathing dimethyltryptamine for a living, said to have done DMT over a thousand times and shared hits with Joe Rogan. Also ended up as a christian fundie... you know it was obvious that both of these and many more millions-followers people have daddy issues and actually are ultra successful because of the issues, but i can tell they have daddy issues because of their humor alone, their thought patterns, even before they flop back from e. g. emotional coaching and mocking religious inconsistencies like JP Sears into the fundamentalism. Or Connor Murphy overdoing ayahuasca and inventing yoga techniques and Osho thumping was not even necessary to scream "daddy issues" because his fitness content already proved it. I really mean it is obvious that their drive to disprove religion was equally a strong proof of daddy issues as the drive to pursue it. And the spontaneous humor was obviously just channeling intrusive thoughts. No amount of mystical experiences do the work for you: you must use your heart. Feel pain in your heart so that fear goes away, not just rationalize the fear away using philosophy.

And the truth is that virtually everyone has these issues unless you already did the work to reverse them which is unlikely unless you are a deeply-trauma-informed therapist. Yes you have repressed emotions, I guarantee it, but no, rage rooms do not cure that. Objective morality does. Everything, absolutely everything your father did to suppress your feelings was evil. Doesn't matter if his intentions were good or if it was an accident. Your body knows it was evil and the only way to stop the intrusive thoughts and compulsive actions and inner torment is to feel the pain and label it "immoral". Yes, telling a child "don't cry" is immoral and evil. So is leaving you home alone while they go shopping and then grounding you because you listened to the wrong music while they were gone. Use your own personal examples that might have resulted in suppressing emotions. Admit it. Taking your toys away so that you do more homework is evil and immoral. If you do not acknowledge that it is so then your subconscious will keep the trauma no matter how much "emotional release" you do. You will reinflict the trauma onto your children, you will accidentally force your child to be annoying and needing a spanking, as long as internally you are subconsciously excusing your father for doing that to you. Regardless of the circumstances. Do not use the intellect to justify inflicting pain. Feel the pain.

To me, my mind used to flood with "disgusting piece of shit" when thinking of my father and yes anger when talking to my mother because #1 she too did pretty horrible things out of religiosity (and religion was a neat coverup her nervous system clung to, for forced purity because she was paranoid of male sexuality since her father divorced for a hotter woman when she was little) #2 forbade me to be angry about it. Having grown up it naturally just flows out as if she is an enemy. And then i did "box breathing" and other techniques to "fix" my shit... and? It made me emotionally numb, and my body became chronically contracted, and i started growing more mentally ill (like a male version of Jennifer bloom) so please, please do not try to "fix" your behavior. That would be a violation of your god-given protection against evil --- your parents did evil. Yes they did. Intentions do not matter. Your body treats him as an evil person because you haven't grieved the evil he did. And still does. He really truly is reinflicting his trauma on you, offloading the pain he feels when he sees someone untraumatized and it reminds him of how healthy he could have been. He doesn't even know that this process is taking place.

Note that i do not mean "daddy issues" as a derogatory word for fatherless children. Quite the opposite. Usually toxic men who have repressive daddy issues use the word on women with abandonment issues. My mother grew up not religious and became very religious in adulthood to cope with daddy issues (married a religious repressed loser who was guaranteed not to leave, he did so many awful things that it is easier to magically hope forgiveness cures it all) growing up, she was left with a younger sister whom she mothered/fathered, and her younger sister turned out non religious, but not anti religious, just overall not repressive, because she was cared for and protected by her sister... i am saying this to clear up any misunderstanding if you remember the popular notion about what daddy issues are. It's not that we strictly need to be commanded in order to have self control. We absolutely do not. An older sibling can act like a father figure so you grow up healthy. But this parentization often causes repression issues in the older sibling.

I mean of course you are a different person than i am, your solution might look different. But if you want to help him, one could relay this information i just wrote to him because it is guaranteed that HE was given unsolicited annoying and abusive intrusive bullshit advice by his parents, and he swallowed it, he used some sort of religion to cope with needing to swallow abuse and intrusion.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Well I don't know him so I can't really give you the best answer

When I think is that you are still his baby girl and what I think is he loves you very much and he wants to protect you and he's probably been stuck in his world for a long time because he probably doesn't do much anymore and how we have gone forward and it just is still back in the world did he grew up in and he just doesn't know how to go about it maybe you have to take it with a grain of salt I know it's probably hard to do because of one thing as he's talking to you his tone of voice his body language and his facial expressions are probably hard to ignore LOL

When one of my parents did this to me and I would just watch their eyes they're facial expressions their tone their body language and I would mirror it right back to them and then I would start laughing because they would look at me like what the fuck are you doing well I'm acting just like you and that kind of changes things up a little bit but yes remember one thing the man is your father he loves you he will die for you he doesn't mean you any harm

Kvass · Accepted Answer

Maybe you have pent up anger, we can't really know the dynamic between you and your dad

Tarifa · Answer

All parents want the best for their child or children. It never stops, but it should ideally become less pronounced. At your age, you can tell your father he's wrong about something or that you will not accept his opinion on a certain subject.

OneViewpoint · Answer

Why does daddy trigger you? Because you're 36 years old and you've never set any boundaries with pops. He feels completely empowered to keep right on judging you.

slatyb · Answer

You are an adult. You don't have to listen to his opinions or answer his questions. Set some boundaries and his behavior will change. If it doesn't, spend less time with him.

NathanDavis · Answer

two possible reasons... because they're always wrong, or they're always right... but can be a bother sometimes, lol

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know your dad or what he says. So I can't answer that.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

That because its years of bullshit and now your at your breaking point

MasterKS · Answer

Some old fathers are too boring, not change with time.

TonyMetal___1986 · Answer

He's your father, it's okay...

Anonymous · Answer

Maybe he says hurtful things

wkhan_87 · Answer

Because you are extreme emotional

Why do I often feel very triggered by my Father?

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Why do I often feel very triggered by my Father?

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