Is it normal to feel hurt knowing my dad wanted a son instead of me?

[Anonymous]

I've always wondered what's up with this high preference for boys and the honor to have a boy. Why? Aren't girls just as valuable too? Is having a baby girl not an honor too? When my husband and I were going to be parents for the first time, neither of us care about the gender. We wanted a healthy baby. We have a healthy son.

This is the song my father dedicated to me when he became a father for the first time (translated to English) and found out the gender at the last moment after mom gave birth:

I think for all men
It must be the same,
That when they are going to be fathers,
They would like to have a boy.
Then a girl is born to you,
You suffer a disappointment,
And afterwards you love her so much,
That you even change your mind.
She is my pretty girl
With her rosy face.
She is my pretty girl,
More precious every day.
Oh! She is my pretty girl
Made of tuberose and carnation.
She is my pretty girl,
She is my pretty girl,
How much I came to love her.
If one day my girl gets married
Dressed in white ermine,
I will remember that I dreamed
That at birth she was a boy.
That is why I pray and ask
The Lord of Great Power,
That the man who takes her away
Always knows how to love her.
She is my pretty girl.

I think that's an overgeneralization. No, not all men are all focused on a boy. My husband had no preference. In the beginning when we didn't know the gender, he thought about names for both genders. Unlike my father, during my mom's pregnant all he ever talked about is how he'll carry his same name, all focused on me being a boy. It makes me feel bad sometimes, as if I was just his resignation, unwanted. The song doesn't really makes me feel praised. You're just resigning because your first option didn't came true.

Updates

14 d

No doubt he loves me, yes but the idea that I wasn't thought about nor given into consideration can hurts. He didn't think about giving me a name until after my mom gave birth.

Updates

14 d

It would make sense that I would prefer a girl in my 2nd pregnancy since we already have a son (and it's cool having the pair, having both experience of being parents of both genders) but unlike my father... at least I would still select names for both genders. I would still put that into consideration.

[BCRanger10]

I think it is. HOWEVER...

I've read through the song you posted here a handful of times. I have two main thoughts on it.

The first is that it's a very beautiful and vulnerable expression of his love for you. He deeply loves you, as you yourself noted in one of the updates. You are NOT a "resignation", and even if that's how it started out, that's most certainly NOT where he is today. If he did not love and cherish you as he does, if his disappointment continued to the present day, I think he would have been indifferent as to whether a good man married you or a creepy and perverted slob. It seems clear to me at least that he was deeply invested in seeing that you have a happy life. I'm just speculating here, but part of me wonders, as also the father of twin daughters myself, whether he was putting himself inside the mind of your mother's father, what he was thinking when she was born. He probably understood then better than ever that a daughter is still a key part to a man's legacy and wanted to honor it.

The second is that with all this established - and please, I beg of you, think carefully about this - I think you're taking the wrong message from this. I realize it's easy for me to say, coming from an American perspective (I'm gathering that you are not). In Paul's letter to the Romans, chapter 5, he says that where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. In chapter 6, he says that even with that in mind, we should NOT continue sinning, let alone greatly. You ought to think about this along that same premise! In this case, something I take from it is that while he originally wanted a son, in a way, he has more joy with you than he would have otherwise.

Ultimately, you do have to understand that men and women think about legacy differently. Easier said than done, I know. Men think about having an heir. If he has done well, then he wants to see that continue, and that's a perfectly normal and GOOD thing for a man to be concerned with. It provides a sense of meaning and mission. Men like to pass things on; when recruits for the United States Marine Corps show up at boot camp, for example, as they stand in those yellow footprints, some of them are thinking "wow, my father may have stood here... my grandfather... my uncle... a Medal of Honor... if they made it, then so can I! LET'S DO THIS!" There's something about taking up what has been handed down that is very, if you will, sacred to a man. And if and when the man he's handing it down to is his very own flesh and blood...it's hard to put into words, really. Something about getting the old man's approval, hearing him say "I'm proud of you, son"... I dunno, there's simply something very profound about that, something that resonates deep within a man's heart and his soul to receive that approval.

Anyway, this could possibly provide material for a whole MyTake on the subject. The ultimate point here is that your father loves you and cherishes you and in deeper ways than you can possibly imagine. Don't let his original hope for an heir be cause for hurt of despair. And especially don't let it cloud how you see other fathers raising their sons.

You are doing well. Do not allow yourself to be discouraged.

[OneViewpoint]

I had 2 sons. But it was the luck of the draw like everyone else. I sorta wanted to experience raising a daughter too but it just didn't happen. I honestly only cared about them being born healthy. Girl or boy did not matter to me other than experiencing both. Most of the guys I know or have known feel the same way I do. Boy or girl doesn't matter. I don't know what is up with the guys who get butthurt over a healthy baby girl. That is screwed up. My ex wife really wanted a girl. I get that. But she was in no way unhappy with two healthy baby boys.

[Asker]

Yeah genders can't be chosen. I used to be able to overlook this as a kid and during my early teen years but now just reading the song hurts. It hurts to know he didn't even think about a girl name during my mom's entire pregnancy.
My husband and I will conceive again by May (when our son turns 2) and it would be cool having a girl this time to have both experience of having both genders. However, I would still come up with names for both genders, give that into consideration (what my father didn't do) and still be happy if we end up having another baby boy.

[tiredpanda]

It is absolutely normal that you feel that way. About men and their preference for having a son, I think in some cultures it's still like that. Men there can still tend to prefer having a son. Sons being seen as the “heirs to the lineage” and the ones who carry it on. I'd say a big part of men genuinely don't have a preference at all and I think wanting a healthy baby regardless of gender is the nicest way to look at it. I also don't think your father's preference before you were born necessarily means that you were unwanted. People can have an expectation or preference and still be completely overwhelmed with love once their child is actually born. The fact that he dedicated that song to you and apparently came to love you so deeply could have been his way of expressing that. I completely understand why the wording of the song doesn't make you feel praised or special, especially knowing how much he talked about wanting a boy before you were born. Your feelings about it are completely valid but the truth is your father loves you

[Asker]

Yeah all this "having a heir" carrying your name and legacy is getting old by now. They should be focusing on having a healthy child. I love my husband's perspective of having no gender preference.
We plan on conceiving again by May. I admit it would be cool having a girl on my 2nd time since we already have our son. It would be great being parents of both genders, having both experience but whatever. I'll still come up with names for both genders if we conceive again. If we end up with another boy, I'll still be just as happy too. No disappointment at all.

[tiredpanda]

That's healthy thinking from both of you :) I wish you the best of luck when you decide to try again! Hopefully you'll get your little girl this time, but either way I hope everything goes well and you have a happy, healthy baby

[blshbnz]

What a weirdo was he in the military or something? I’m sorry you had to go through that. That’s terrible

[Asker]

He was born in 1954 and still carried outdated concepts about having the honor/privilege of a first born male child, having a heir, a legacy passing your family male, the boy carrying the father's name and generalization of men. No, all men don't experience disappointment upon having a baby girl nor share his outdated concepts. My husband didn't care about the gender.

[TonyMetal___1986]

I have always wanted a son and a daughter but sadly i only had a son, my marriage didn't last to have the opportunity to have a baby daughter...

My son's ex girlfriend, i loved her like a daughter and sometimes she called me dad but sadly they broke up and now his new girlfriend sucks!

Only a retard would feel disappointed if he had a girl or a boy...

[Asker]

It must be cool being parents of both genders. Now that I'm a mother and wife that analyzes things better, I really don't understand my father's preference. What hurts is he didn't bother to come up with girl names in case it's not a boy. Only thinking about your preferred gender when you don't know what's it going to be can be selfish.
Meanwhile even though I would like a baby girl on my 2nd pregnancy (we're going to conceive again by May) so we can have the experience of being parents of both genders, I would still come up with names for both genders. I would still be just as happy if we end up with another boy.

[TonyMetal___1986]

I wish you the best 😊👍🏻

[Lynx122]

I think that's just like an old fashioned thing. I don't think he was actually disappointed. I think it was just poorly expressed. I wouldn't take it too personally.

[Stevepro68]

It says a lot of things about a father that would ever let his daughter know that he wished she was a boy.

[Asker]

And yet this is the irony to the story. My father always would've wanted mixed martial arts and any combat sports (never had the chance to) and he enrolled my younger brother into Taekwondo, pressuring him. He never liked it and showed zero interest in combat sports. He kept pressuring the wrong child into martial arts while ignoring the fact that he already had a child sharing his same interest in martial arts, boxing and wrestling that expressed that interest as a kid but got ignored... ME.

[Asker]

He was so concerned at the time that his pretty girl would get hurt. Though he did recently expressed he would've hesitantly enrolled me if he would go back in time and let me know what I liked. Well too late. I did enrolled later on as an adult in Judo for a year. It's a cool sport.

[jahaims]

Just know your dad's perspective comes from a unhealthy place because he lacks emotional intelligence. You can't carry your parents short comings on your back or it will weigh you down for life.

[Asker]

Yeah I'm trying not to think about it but the song hurts too.
What hurts the most is he didn't even think about girl names during my mom's entire pregnancy, only about a boy carrying his same name.

[strateguy632]

it is not normal but you feel your feelings.

[exitseven]

I was happy to have a daughter. I also have two sons but ironically my daughter is the most like me.

[Asker]

The ending to this story is my father did ended up having his son 15 years later but my brother ended up giving him nothing but trouble, lol. My brother doesn't even share his common interests, lol. So much for wishing a boy, lol.

[exitseven]

God has a sense of humor

[canamlusciouslad73]

I 'd be if my parents wanted daughters only.(I loved my now-deceased two sisters.)

[Dargil]

He should never have let that be known.

[Asker]

Yes he lacks common sense. There are things in life that are best remained untold and this is one of them.
Not thinking of even one girl name until my mom gave birth sucks. Common sense would be to consider names for both genders if you're unsure about what's it going to be instead of assuming it's going to be your preferred gender.

[BubblyJoyBaby]

Yea, you being hurt is understandable.

[Asker]

As a kid and during my early teens I would overlook it but now as an adult, mother and wife that analyzes things deeper, yeah it can suck. It hurts that my father didn't even consider a name for me unlike the last moment.
I think it makes more sense that it would be cool if my 2nd pregnancy (we're going to conceive again after our son's 2nd b-day in May) ended up a girl because we already have our son. So it can be cool being parents of both genders, having that experience of a boy and girl. But at least I would still come up with names for both genders. I would give that into consideration, what my father didn't do.

[BubblyJoyBaby]

Yea, I get that.

Have you talked to your father about it, now that you are older?🤔

[Asker]

It would be pointless. He is so embedded with old concepts. He really thinks that's how most men think.

[Asker]

His concepts are so outdated.

[BubblyJoyBaby]

Then just know there is no changing him. That doesn’t mean you don’t matter, tho. So, love yourself!

[Agape93]

Probably. Yo @BCRanger10

[Anonymous]

Yes. He should not have said that.

[Asker]

Indeed and that song hurts me more.