No good husband? or slacking wife?

[Anonymous]

let me start off by saying my husband works very hard and I am a stay at home mother and I do agree that while I am home its MY job to raise the children cook and clean BUT I also think he should do some help. when he gets home he takes off his clothes BY THE DOOR and leaves them there. now theses aren't his work clothes these are his day clothes but nonetheless, still b.s.he doesn't do the dishes he hasn't cooked since heaven only knows he doesn't do laundry unless I nag for help. I have been slacking I agree, but I have two kids both under the age of 5 and they are barely sleeping through the night so needless to say I don't get much sleep, sometimes my husband will stay up with our daughter, BUT only for a little bit because if she doesn't go to bed right away or chill out right away (she has night terrors sometimes) he freaks out and yells at her. wtf! don't yell at her! so I stay up with the kids..anyway my questions are, am I in the wrong for expecting him to help me? (in my defense I DO need help because raising the kids and trying to keep up on chores while cooking and trying to find time to wash my face, is a lot of work...they don't nap so I don't have time and I am only on this site right NOW because I'm pissed and have no one else to talk to) should I sit him down with a list of divided chores? wtf do I do? how do you do it?

obviously I'm desperate and need help or ideas..

im finally overwhelmed and depressed and so stressed I'm actually breaking out! I haven't had zits like this since high school!

help please

[tex151]

Wait a second now, you making him seem like the bad guy here, it's not like he's just sitting at home doing nothing while your doing everything, he works, work is no picnic, hints the word work. If you come up to him and give him a list of chores to do, that will not go well, he will probably say what the hell I work all day and you want me to come home from work and do more work are you kidding me. If he can't be there to help you out which obviously he can't, then you need to get someone else to help you with everything, hire a maid for cleaning, get a friend, or relative, or a nanny to help you take care of the kids.

I am sure he does other things around the house like mow the yard, fix stuff when it breaks, and of course bringing home money to support his family. You can get your kids to help you out, by teaching them hey if you scatter all your toys around then put them back where they go, or say hey lets learn how to do the dishes, you rise them off and I will put them in the dishwasher. Your kids are under five so they can at least comprehend a little bit of work. I am not saying tell them to vacuum the floor or anything, but simple tasks they can help you with.

If you really want your husband to do some stuff, then simply say hey can you at least put your clothes in the hamper or maybe tell him can you help me out with some of the simple things around here like doing the dishes sometimes when they need to be done.

Bottom line is men don't want to do housework because we suck at it, women always have a certain way of doing things and if we do it wrong well hell it's world war 3, so we go well not doing that shit again, if every time I do it she comes along and corrects my mistake. But if you bring him a list don't be surprised if he rips it up in your face.

[good-looking-geek]

The house keeping duties should be divided such that you do more than he does, but they should not be distributed 100% to 0%. He doesn't expect you to wipe his ass does he? But child raising should be divided 50-50, because children should divide their time evenly between both parents.

Ask him to show some consideration by at least cleaning up after himself. He should put forth some effort such that he doesn't deliberately increase your burden by leaving his clothes anywhere he pleases. If he doesn't put his clothes in the hamper, then try leaving them exactly where he left them and see what happens. Say you will only wash clothes that end up in the hamper.

A loving husband would care about the burden he creates for his wife, and he would want his wife not to be stressed out. You need to speak with him and ask him to show some consideration and appreciation.

[kobayashim]

Hey,

No offense, but, I think you're the one whose mainly at fault here. He is working to support the family, and you're the stay-at-home-parent. The two of you should have talked about this before having children (or while you were pregnant) and it should have been clear who handles what. That being said, maybe you and your husband can talk about getting someone to come clean once or twice a week, or maybe getting take-out one night a week to give you a break.

The only thing I think he's at fault for is yelling at your daughter. Even though he's working all day, he should be able to be "dad" once he comes home and should definitely help nurture your kids.

You decided to become a "housewife" that means you take care of the domestic things...the house, the kids, the cooking...you can't complain or nag him, especially if you admit that you've been slacking lately. I would definitely suggest you take a time management course, or invest in a good date book to help balance out your day. Try pre-planning the weeks meal. Not only will it help you budget, but you can figure out what you can prep ahead of time to cut down on the total cooking time of that night's meal.

Also, even though your kids are under 5, try getting them involved in "clean up" when it comes to their rooms. This will help instill in them a sense of chores and responsibility, which will definitely help when they get a bit older. All in all, it sounds like you and your husband need to communicate a bit more, and that you should definitely work on managing your time and daily schedule.

Wish you the best~

~m

[udolipixie]

No good husband? or slacking wife?
In my opinion slacking wife as he's working to provide the finances so your contribution would be working to ensure a clean home. To me you got yourself the short end as his job has set hours and he can come home to unwind/relax while your job doesn't really ever end and home is your workplace.

am I in the wrong for expecting him to help me?
I don't do right/wrong unless it pertains to harming children/animals. I think you're right for expecting him to help you in regards to raising the children. Chores/housework in my opinion is suited for you to handle.

should I sit him down with a list of divided chores? wtf do I do? how do you do it?
I don't think it's suited to sit him down with a list of divided chores. I think it's more suited for you to sit him down with a list of divided parenting duties and childcare work. The way I would do it is to get myself a job with a daycare facility or a job then hire a nanny. That way I don't get myself in what I see as the stay at home mom never endless chores trap as then it would be more reasonable for him to do his share of chores.

", sometimes my husband will stay up with our daughter, BUT only for a little bit because if she doesn't go to bed right away or chill out right away (she has night terrors sometimes) he freaks out and yells at her"
In my opinion this is less of a no good husband scenario and more of a no good dad scenario.

[fantasygirl21]

Oh course you need help to raise kids. Your not the one slacking off he's just not a good husband. He needs to help you around the house especially if your stressing like that. Try getting time for yourself you obviously need it, and set rules in your house tell him he HAS to help to around the house because you seriously need it. Try to get couples counseling it might help your relationship alot. And put things clear for him sit him down and make him understand that your both raising a family not just you and he need to be more patient with his daughter I mean come on she's still a baby. Set down the rules and divide the chores he has to help out too.

[Asker]

Thanks for understanding! men and women view these situations so differently its insaine!

[Jarett]

You need to sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel. And you should listen to him and see how he feels. Obviously you both have expectations that aren't be met, and that is causing problems. You need better communication. But making a laundry list of chores is only going to make it worse, ESPECIALLY when you say you've been slacking. How can you blame him for something, when you're doing the same thing?

[kobayashim]

I agree....I know I want to be a"housewife" one day, and as the stay-at-home-parent it will be my job to take care of all the domestic things. If you know you're slacking, there's nothing else to say - learn time management!