Rejected my best guy friend and feel horrible.

[Anonymous]

We've been through many ups and downs together and he put so much effort in making me happy. I wanted to be with him too, but it's not a good time due to many other obligations I have in life. We talked daily, sharing stories with each other and met up once a week either alone or with friends. It seemed like things were going well, but he actually wasn't happy, and I couldn't see it. When he finally wanted definition of what we are, I wasn't sure of my feelings before. I did like him too, but not enough yet to commit to a relationship. My view is if I can't give it my all, I'd rather wait for a better time when I have other areas of life sorted out first. That way I can concentrate more on him. It wouldn't be fair to make him wait, which I mentioned. But now he isn't sure how we can still be friends. I never meant to hurt him, and I hate how things turned out. I worry he's unhappy and won't talk to someone. If he bottles it up, it'll be hard for him to get better. I want to help him through the bad times but I'm not in the proper position to do that in this situation. What's the best I cam do for him besides leaving him alone?

[RationalNAC]

Hmmm... I want to point out a few things before discussing a good course of action...

"I wanted to be with him too, but it's not a good time due to many other obligations I have in life."

If you let it be understood that your life is not exactly in order, that shouldn't be a big enough problem... but you did then state "My view is if I can't give it my all, I'd rather wait for a better time when I have other areas of life sorted out first." Which makes sense, and could have been enough if you told him that... and that alone... but then you said "It wouldn't be fair to make him wait, which I mentioned." The mere fact that you mentioned that to him, hurt him more than you probably know. Here's why.

When someone has feelings for someone they generally don't say anything immediately. Reasons may vary but the fact is that not telling your crush you like them invokes 2 emotions. Fear, and hope. Fear obviously of being rejected, but the failure to move on is due to the hope. You aren't yet sure there won't be anything turning your way, but hope lets you think there's a chance. Then when you say something along the lines, "It wouldn't be fair to make you wait," is heart breaking because it is a manner of telling them to move on.

Hope is lost.

It is always a mistake to tell someone what isn't fair to them. If he wanted to wait, you should have left that option. It's his choice, not yours, but you saying what you did made it seem that if he made that choice, it would be troubling you. I am not sure if he thought things through like this, but it's all possible.

As for your course of action... be selfish. If you want to help him, then do so. Don't think about how you may not be in a good position or not. If you don't do anything, one of 2 things will happen, one he'll get over you and all will be fine, or 2 (the more common one, he'll feel like you are no longer there for him, get over you and stop being your friend. I don't know the guy, I don't know what will happen.

But it doesn't hurt to be a little selfish when it comes to being selfless. "I want to help him through the bad times but I'm not in the proper position to do that in this situation. What's the best I cam do for him besides leaving him alone?" The best thing? Be there for him. It's what both of you want, even if he's questioning that now. He simply feels hurt.

This is just a suggestion. I don't know you or him or your exact situation, so I'm basing this on what I would like if I were in his situation. Which I was once.

[Yiccups]

I think you deserve a lot of credit for telling him and being honest. I once had a massive crush on my female best friend, and she never told me. She was in the exact same position of you, she missed me that much when we were away that she kissed me when we got back, but a week later she just treated me like a best friend again. It messed my mind up not knowing what we were, but alteast you have been honest with him! He will be upset at first, but after a while he will settle down and start thinking. He will be thankfull for you telling him, whether he admits it or not.

[M_A_X]

Like people said. Do what you do, but keep in mind he's going to do what he does too.

If you feel like prioritizing your relationship with him isn't important (at a point in his life where he feels like connecting with you is) than don't be upset if your timelines don't meet up later when he moves on to a girl who meets what he wants right now. It's what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

If he was the one for you, the time and obligations in your life wouldn't matter.

You're just looking for excuses. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. And it's possible you think you should because he's a good match on paper.

You're already doing the best thing - leave him alone. But if you really really really want to do the right thing? Tell him the truth - it will never happen. He should find someone else.

Don't leave him pining for a day that will never come.

[Anonymous]

You might want to wait for a "better time", but keep in mind that he might have moved on by then.