Do I Have to Tell my Boyfriend I'm Abstinent?

Question

So for my own personal reasons I am waiting until I am married to have sex (this includes oral sex). I understand that most guys don't like this, I understand that this is very uncommon and unrealistic but this is something, for my own reasons I want to do.

I generally do not tell people other than my super close friends (my parents do not even know) because this is a personal choice and not really anyone's business beside my own. But I am not the stupid virgin, I know about sex, and contraception, and STI's and the whole nine yards. I am actually the one to drive my friends to Planned Parenthood or buy them condoms when they are too scared because you know safety first.

To get to the real meet of my question I have been going out with a guy since the beginning of September he is my first boyfriend but I am his fifth girlfriend. He knows that I want to take things kinda slow (we have barely gone to second base over my shirt) and he respects that given the little experience that I have had. What he does not know is that no matter how slow we go we are not having sex (or oral sex).

He is a great guy and he cares and respects me but I still have that fear in the back of my mind that he might break up with me knowing that we will never have sex. I have heard of guys that even though they said they would not date a girl knowing that she was abstinent got to know the girl and then stayed anyone (the situation with my older cousin and her husband). So I hoping that maybe that would be the situation so I want to avoid telling him because maybe he will become more invested in the relationship and build stronger feelings and not want to break up.

Two of my close friends are saying I should tell him because he might break up anyway and it is better to get it over with now, and I should not go out with a guy who can't respect my choices, and I could be keeping him from happiness with someone else.

What should I do should I tell him (even though I never really tell anyone) or should not say anything? And If I do tell how soon should I tell him?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Tell him now. Be prepared to deal with the potential consequences, but tell him right away.

I get that this is your first relationship, and though you "know about sex", you don't seem to understand relationships very well, which isn't unusual at all, especially given your age. We do a really lousy job of teaching teens about relationships.

When you get into a relationship, or even before you're actually in one, one of the most important things you need to do is figure out if the two of you are compatible. There's a big long list of things that you need to talk about with any partner, and you'll have to figure out what those things are for you, because everyone has their own values and needs, but common ones include:

- Relationship or FWB? (Many guys in particular don't want relationships.)

- Career plans.

- Marriage (Do you both want it, not want it, or disagree about it?)

- Children (Do you want 8, and he wants 1? Or none? Or vice versa?)

- Religion

- Sex

- Finances

- Location (where you plan to live; one of you may have plans to move, or have a job or family issue that will require it)

- Values (how you live/behave, how you plan to raise your kids, etc.)

- Politics

- Medical/mental issues

Again, you may not care about some of these, but you might have others you want to add, and so might the guy. The point is that you owe it to each other to talk about this stuff before you even agree to be in a relationship with each other, and you owe it to each other and yourself to be HONEST about your answers. You want to know if there are any red flags before you get attached to the other person, because it's MUCH easier to go your separate ways early on than after you've been together 6 months or a year or more and are deeply attached.

Sex is a big issue, and while being under 18, many guys are going to be understanding and willing to wait a while, but "a while" is NOT forever. Even at your age, more than a year is rare. And as you get older, guys are going to be less and less willing to wait, so either you need to plan on getting married SOON (which also means finding a guy who is ready to get married in the near future), remain single for the foreseeable future, , have short-term relationships that end badly, or realize that you've limited yourself to a TINY pool of men willing to forego sex until marriage. The path you've chosen is NOT going to be an easy one, but that's your decision to make.

TouchTheSky · Accepted Answer

You're a great girl and you're under 18, a guy should be happy to love you to have you in his arms that should be enough happiness, because you're really innocent and a nice girl. Many girls in your age should learn a lot from you.

peace-love-couture · Accepted Answer

Yes, he deserves to know

He deserves to know so that he can make a decision on whether he wants to remain in a relationship with you. He deserves someone who shares his values and views about sex. Keeping him around and telling him months for now won't change whether he'll dump you now or then. If he doesn't believe in abstinence, no amount of him waiting for sex will change that

And you deserve someone who feels the same as you. So it's best to get it out of the way.

It's not about respecting choices, it's about both of you deciding whether or not y'all are compatible. YOU need someone who feels the same as you.

You could very well be lucky and he may not find this to be a deal breaker. It's worth a shot. Tell him

kdizzleforizzle91 · Accepted Answer

If it were me, I'd tell him as soon as the topic of sex naturally comes up in conversation between you two. Otherwise, it might freak him out that you chose to bring it up out of nowhere. But you should tell him. Just be honest - say you don't have any experience, that you want to wait until you're married, and that it's important to you.

LexiNinja · Accepted Answer

It would make more sense to. Just to see where his head is at on the situation and if you guys are on the same terms.

WhiteSteve · Answer

you have to tell him. honestly, that's something you should put out there real early. sex is a major part of a healthy relationship. if that's not going to be included you need to be up front about that. at your age it's not uncommon to be abstinent (both on purpose and by accident, haha), but the older you get, the more sex will be expected, not in a disrespectful way, but just as standard practice. I won't lie, most guys aren't going to be into that...and that doesn't necessarily mean they're bad guys either. they might "respect your choice" just fine, but that doesn't mean they'll want to date you. I only say that so you don't go around shunning people who simply weren't OK with dating an abstinent girl. obviously it's your decision and it should be respected, but you need to know that this will be a deal-breaker with most guys.

i don't expect you to change your mind based on what some idiot on the internet said, but I'd recommend sleeping with a guy before you get married. obviously I don't mean going and sleeping around, but if you're in a committed long-term relationship later on down the line you should consider it. sexual compatibility is extremely important for a successful marriage. you have to be into the same stuff, sex isn't black and white, there are lots of different ways to go about it. one girl I briefly dated wanted to be slapped in the face and strangled, and that is not up my alley at all. I think that's repulsive, personally. I don't want to have to do that to satisfy her. she shouldn't have to be with a guy who won't do what she wants. she was a great girl, and neither one of us is wrong, but we're just not compatible. if you wait, and then on wedding night you're looking for soft music and candlelight, and he's breaking out the whips and chains, where are you then? just something to think about.

but at the end of the day, it's whatever works for you. I hope you find a similar situation as your cousin did...but you MUST be up front about that early in any relationship. otherwise it'd be like if you wanted kids and the guy never tells you he doesn't until after you're married, y'know? everyone deserves honesty in a relationship.

worzt · Answer

he'll eventually find it out, but I guess "we can't have sex" should be said soon, otherwise when will you tell him? when he is all heated up? that'll be like pumping the brakes on a car too hard, at the very least it'll be uncomfortable, better tell him since the begining that way he won't get his hopes high and then won't be left down either, perhaps he won't accept your choice, but then it's better for both of you if he knows it now and decides now not weeks or moths later, about how soon, you already have touched, so in his mind sex is an open door now, so you can tell him now, I mean, it'll be weird if a boy kisses you for the frist time and you are like "ohhh we are not having sex", but now is a good time, before he gets more speedy

TheDigitalSaint · Answer

You should tell him now. One of a couple things will happen.

1. He'll be fine with your choice and continue to date you.

2. He won't be fine with your choice and you two will break up.

Either way, it is the most respectful and practical thing to speak up regarding your opinion on this matter. If he's fine having a girlfriend without sex, that's great for both of you. That being said, if sex is something that is vitally important to him, staying with you is only going to make him miserable in the long run, not to mention you'll have to keep fighting him off when he makes advances.

You need to state your intentions, sooner rather than later, that way if he sticks around, he wasn't being led on by your lack of communication. If he decides to leave, that's for the best for him and for you, as both of you can then date people who are better suited to your personal moral outlook on sexual matters.

TheGodEmperorLeto · Answer

Yes, and asap.

And it's fine you are. I'll say waiting for marriage is a bit silly tbh cause it's only going to make you or the guy (or both) want to rush into marriage and that's a bad idea, but it's your choice. I personally prefer just waiting a good long while until we're both sure of the relationship. Once it's strong and good, then sex can come into the picture.

Still, it's best you let a boyfriend know as soon as you become official or maybe before if it's becoming serious. It's only fair to them and to you. Cause then if they do keep trying to pressure or push you for it you'll know they aren't TRULY into you and want to just have sex with you.

And why would your parents mind you being abstinent? :P I'll bet your father would be damn happy hah.

Scoopie · Answer

My opinion is it's only fair to tell him. It's about your future together and he should know what he's getting into. If you want to be in an honest relationship, you have to tell him. If he's going to leave you because of it, he better do it now then you waste another couple of years.

kheserthorpe · Answer

You're manipulating him. What you are doing is similar to a guy who lies saying he is in love to get sex. He is dating you under false pretenses. You are pretending that you are moving slowly towards sex, when that's a lie.

If he's had sex before, he will break up. If he hasnt, he might wait , miserably.

Does sex include handjobs? I suppose there's a chance that satisfies him.

Moloch · Answer

Of course, tell him now. That's like a woman dating a guy for a year and then learning that he never wants to get married. These are things that should be shared beforehand, so both parties are in mutual agreement, and are not in a relationship based on differing understandings of where you two are headed.

Dionysos · Answer

Tell him now.  Waiting to drop a potential deal breaker isn't nice.  The longer you wait, the more likely he'll jet when you do tell him.

SmartArst · Answer

Enjoy single life. When a teenage guy hears this he will leave. Either date older or wait.

mobiusforniner · Answer

If he truly loves you he can't wait friggin forever...

Jayded1 · Answer

You should most certainly tell him. I am curious though. why no oral?

danik23 · Answer

You MUST tell him, cause if he does not agree with that he will immediately avoid wasting time..

baliguy11 · Answer

I think he will figure it out on his own.

Anonymous · Answer

let him know sometime soon but let him know why

Do I Have to Tell my Boyfriend I'm Abstinent?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Do I Have to Tell my Boyfriend I'm Abstinent?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.