Should I lie to my boyfriend about being a virgin?

[catharsisss]

my boyfriend and i have been together almost 2 years now, it’s a long distance relationship. we met online and have never met in person. in the beginning of our relationship we had the whole talk about our pasts, and he asked me if i was a virgin, to which i told him the truth and said i wasn’t. well, turns out that he is a virgin and the fact that i’m not a virgin absolutely tears him apart emotionally.

i’ve only slept with one person, a guy i was with for 5 years, and my now boyfriend compares himself to him and makes comments about how he’s the second and will never get to be my first everything. he now says that he’s disgusted by the fact that i’ve been with someone else sexually and doesn’t think he ever wants to be with me intimately or touch me because he believes he will just think of my ex. he tells me he loves me and doesn’t want to break up, and i see that through all his other words and actions. we are talking about meeting in person and me buying a plane ticket to see him, and just seeing if that changes anything about his feelings. it hurts me so much that he is so hurt, i’m considering just telling him that i am actually a virgin and making up a reason why i said i wasn’t, to save him the unnecessary heart ache and overthinking. but i don’t know if that would just cause major trust issues and we would have new problems. should i just wait it out until we meet in person and see if anything changes or should i lie about being a virgin to protect his feelings since he does still want to be in a relationship with me either way?

[ChiTown33]

Nope.

If it makes you feel any better, I would've felt the same way at his age. I probably would not have said it though. Very few guys will meet a virgin, fall in love with her, marry her, and live happily ever after. It's best he get real with that, the sooner, the better. You said you've been with one other guy, not 100 other guys. And it's not like it was a one night stand. You were with him for 5 years. That speaks to your character. And that's most of what matters in a partner.

I don't know you. Or his age. But if it's close to his I think you need to tell him if you think the amount of women he meets from this point on are going to be largely virgins then he's in for a rude awakening. In a PERFECT world a woman and a man WOULD be virgins when they meet. But we don't live in a perfect world. Some people have to learn from their mistakes. What matters is the person not repeating the same mistakes and not learning from it. And the person you meet ONLY wanting to be with you from then on. I could understand if he wanted to WAIT to sleep with you to ensure you are true to your word with him. And if you are serious about him you should be WILLING to wait. But he needs to get over you not being a virgin. Because the reality of that isn't changing. Nor does it ruin you for life. It's just not ideal. It's best he learn now life isn't perfect, love isn't perfect. But if you got someone who's honest with you and willing to stick by you through good times and bad. Then you're doing better than most.

Hope it works out for you two.👍

[catharsisss]

i don’t mind not having sex with him, or waiting at all. the thing that bothers me is how upset he is over it, it hurts me that it hurts him so much. and i worry that he may never get over it or it will continue to get worse, despite the rest of our relationship being great in my opinion.

[ChiTown33]

Yeah, and I CAN'T tell you for certain he will get over it. But if he couldn't would you really want to be with him anyways? And all I mean by that is he'd be throwing away happiness for something that you acknowledge was a mistake. To me that says if he can't get over it then he'd always hold you to an 8mpossible standard anyways. Because I promise you you will disappoint him again at some point in life. Ya know what I'm saying.
To me it's really simple. As I said, he was me 30 years. ago.🤣 life and love ain't perfect. If he thinks it is he's going to throw this away along with many other unperfect relationships till he learns this lesson. And by then it's going to be too late.
Again, if he's worth it, if this is the ONLY issue I'd tell him what I said. Hopefully he'll get passed it. If not, maybe it's best that you move on and he learns this lesson the hard way. God has a plan for us all. Maybe he's not yours. Or maybe he's got some maturing to do first.

[ChiTown33]

We're all imperfect in the eyes of God. You acknowledge you wished he had been your first, that should be good enough for him.

[Summeroflove]

No lying is wrong and at some point or another people will figure it out. If something like that is a dealbreaker. Be honest…. And move on.

There are lots of people who have slept with someone else and regretted it then walked away from doing that. Especially people who aren’t perfect themselves such as men who have slept with tons of women. But want a virgin…

[catharsisss]

he doesn’t want to break up, so it isn’t necessarily a “deal breaker” it’s just that he’s really devastated by it, and i don’t want him to feel that way or feel worse over more time

[Summeroflove]

Well lying will kill trust.

[catharsisss]

lying to him will kill trust or him thinking i’ve lied to him this whole time about NOT being a virgin will kill trust?

[Summeroflove]

If you lie yes. If you haven’t lied good. But if you are lying you need to be honest

[catharsisss]

i haven’t lied. i’ve been honest with him for the last 2 years. i’m asking if i should lie NOW and tell him that i am actually a virgin even though i’m not, since he’s been so upset the last 2 years over me not being a virgin.

[Summeroflove]

Do NOT lie

[Summeroflove]

Worst case. Break it off. Don’t lie

[Flower7]

Don’t lie to him. Best to break up since he doesn’t see you the way he wants to see you. But that’s his own problem. Just find a guy who has more realistic expectations. Don’t even bother meeting this guy in person. It would only be a waste of time for both of you.

[catharsisss]

it just sucks because i really don’t want to break up, and he’s said that he doesn’t want to break up either. i just wanna make him feel better and telling him i’m actually a virgin might make him feel better. but then, i don’t know what other problems a lie might cause or if that’s even worth it

[Flower7]

He places too much emphasis on that issue. This is not something that you want to be involved in, in my opinion.

[jennifer_bloom]

My boyfriend already suspects I might not be a virgin and he does not care. He still likes me.

[catharsisss]

i’m happy that’s your experience! :)

[AI Opinion]

Ah, sweetheart, navigating the world of relationships isn't always easy, right? 🚀 My aim here is to help you find clarity amidst the mess of it all. Honesty is key, even if it stings a little. Lying? Yikes, a slippery slope for trust — especially when you're building something special. Meeting in person might change perspectives and be a big heart-opener! No one should feel like a consolation prize, and it's essential he gets that. The depth of love isn't measured by the past but by what you build together. 💕

[AviatorTom]

A lie will eventually come back to bite you.

You goal is to convince him that he is the one, and that your ex is meaningless.

[catharsisss]

i have been trying to do that for the last 2 years. it seems that it bothers him too much, and he’s just heartbroken over it. he knows i’m over my ex and that i love him, but he says that doesn’t change the past. i honestly don’t know what to do. should i just wait it out and hope things change when we see each other in person?

[ChicoFromThe305]

Nah don't lie, I'm sure it's hard to see now but you being truthful is far more important than his feelings and he might be hurt now but in the long term I'm sure he will prefer honesty even if it hurts than to be decietful, it's best to not be a liar that to lie to spare feelings, the truth is what it is and just tell him how you feel if you truly love him and what he decides will be up to him.

[catharsisss]

i’ve told him the truth since the beginning and he says he still wants to be with me, but over time he’s just felt worse and worse about it.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Well he will more than likely keep getting worse unless he lets go of it, until he does y'all are incompatible, a lot of the times when someone sees you in a different light, it becomes almost irriversable

[catharsisss]

do you think lying could save the relationship if everything else is great between us? or would that only cause him to have trust issues that we don’t have now?

[ChicoFromThe305]

The second one, also if he ever finds out you lied, he will not just be angry but he will hate you, mostly if he values who he wants the first person to be for him, I think the best decision you can make it remain with honesty, if he comes around, it will be accepting you for what you are now and not what deceptive illusion you've created of yourself.

[catharsisss]

what if he doesn’t find out i lied? is it just morally wrong?

[ChicoFromThe305]

Obviously so or you wouldn't be questioning it, I'm sure it will also always be on your mind that he never truly chose you, you had to lie to keep him and might more than likely lose him if he finds out

[ChicoFromThe305]

Also as long as the person you slept with is walking the earth, that lie can always fall apart

[catharsisss]

he wants to be with me either way, at least so far. he’s just really hurt that i’m not a virgin.

[exitseven]

It is unfortunate that he feels this way. You did the right thing telling him the truth and in todays world a virgin is pretty unusual. You had sex with a person you were in a relationship with and not a series of one night stands. He should also relaize it is much easier for girls for find somebody to have sex with than it is for guys.

[catharsisss]

it’s just eating away at him, and even though he understands the circumstances and still wants to be with me, he finds himself disgusted at the thought of kissing me when i’ve kissed someone before him or touching me in any way at all. he’s so devastated, although he doesn’t want to break up so far. would lying cause more issues or make the situation better? should i just keep telling the truth and see if anything changes when we meet in person?

[exitseven]

lying will not help because eventually the truth always comes out. All you can do is be reassuring. II suppose havng a LDR does not help/

[catharsisss]

i’ve tried being reassuring for the last 2 years almost, and it only gets worse. i just want things to get better.

[exitseven]

maybe he will never get over it.

[catharsisss]

which is exactly why i feel like if everything else is great, maybe i should just lie? or do you think it would only make things worse if i lied?

[exitseven]

Maybe this is a relationship that cannot get past this. I had a thing about drug use. If somebody used drugs i would not date them anymore. I figure that they will never really give it up and I did not want it in my life.

[smashleyy]

You shouldn’t have to hide parts of yourself or bend the truth from a significant other. making you feel like shit for not being a virgin is such weirdo behaviour and makes it clear why he’s still a virgin, living in his own fantasy.

[catharsisss]

i don’t think his intention is to make me feel bad at all, just that he wants to be honest with how he feels. i don’t even mind lying if it will make him feel better at all, but i just worry that if i do lie it would cause entirely different problems like major trust issues. i don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Break up with him. If he can't accept your past and has a problem with you being with only 1 guy then that's on him. Your past isn't and shouldn't be his concern. He's with you now and he should focus on the present instead of acting like an immature little bitch. You can't change your past and certainly not for a "guy" aka BOY like that he's not worth it. Listen meeting him won't make things any better you'll only end up with an empty wallet and a broken heart. He has issues he needs to work on issues that you can't help him with issues he needs to fix himself. You're better off saving your money and a broken heart and break up with him because this what you got going on with him it won't last especially long term not with his childish attitude dump him and move on

[Opinion Owner]

Muslim? Oh Jesus christ leave his ass NOW!!! this guy is a nutcase leave him get rid off his ass now before you end up hurt by this psycho

[Opinion Owner]

The moment you said Muslim it explained everything why this guy is a nutcase

[Paige90]

How old is he and why has he never had sex? That would be a BIG red flag for me.

[catharsisss]

he’s 21, and the main reason is because he’s religious.

[Paige90]

I know many religious people and they have had sex when they were in their teens. He must masturbate a lot.

[catharsisss]

he’s muslim, they tend to take sex before marriage more seriously lol

[Paige90]

Follow me and we will talk in private

[catharsisss]

unfortunately i can’t send messages yet because this is a brand new account

[Paige90]

You can follow me and then I can send you msgs

[Lliam]

Could there be a bigger red flag? Why would you even consider a relationship with such an idiot?

[catharsisss]

i guess because i have feelings for him regardless. do you think it would be wrong or even cause more issues in our relationship if i just lie and tell him that i actually am a virgin?

[Lliam]

I think lying would be a bad idea. He's the one who needs to grow up.

[slatyb]

No, you shouldn't, and why have you spent two years on a long-distance relationship. Are you planning to get together? When?

[catharsisss]

we’re planning on seeing each other in person, hopefully over the summer.

[slatyb]

Is it possible for either of you to move to be with the other?

[catharsisss]

we live in different countries, but i guess it would be possible for me to move to the UK or him to move to the US, either one of us on a work visa. as of right now we are finishing up university. i’m getting a degree in neo-natal neurosonography and he’s getting a degree in computer engineering. we both have a year left of college.

[slatyb]

Sounds like a plan. Best wishes.

[Nikki1989]

A long-distance relationship is not a real relationship. While honestly is always best, you can tell him anything at this point.

[catharsisss]

do you think it would make it worse though? if i lied, and then he thought i had been lying the entire time (even though i haven’t) about not being a virgin, knowing how he felt?

[bddddd]

Your boyfriend is an immature, abusive, controlling a-hole. Run, don't walk, away,

[Ironic_Method]

Lying isn't a good way to fix problems.

[SarahP080106]

Nothing Good comes from a Lie

[shortster]

The truth is the best option.

[catharsisss]

i’ve been telling him the truth for the last 2 years. it isn’t working out the best and i feel really bad that he feels the way he does.

[shortster]

He is still with you because you were honest with him.

[catharsisss]

okay. thank you